House of the Dead: A very, very drunken review

Hello my loves! I didn’t forget about my promise to drunkenly review the three worst movies you could imagine for me. (assholes) I already got Last house on the left in the can, so we’re going to move right along to the next piece of cinematic trash: House of the Dead

If that Trailer alone didn’t prove to you how goddamn awful this movie is going to be, maybe this will put it in perspective:  the Director, Uwe Boll, often challenges critics of his films to boxing matches and there is an online petition urging him to stop making films.  I’m not making either of those up.

see! I told you I didn't make it up!

So are his movies really all that bad? Yes. YES THEY ARE. This movie got a 4% on rottentomatoes.com. FOUR PERCENT. I’m pretty sure Hitler has more fans than this guy. I’m hoping he doesn’t read this and try to punch me to death so if I don’t update for a while then I’m probably lying dead in a boxing ring somewhere. But enough formalities, let’s get to the meat of this thing. The rotten, rotten meat. You know the drill: I drink, watch and write and spellcheck fixes all of my drunken errors. I love you spellcheck.

The plot of house of the dead is as follows:

“This film is a prequel to all the The House of the Dead video games. Set on an island off the coast, a techno rave party attracts a diverse group of college coeds and a Coast Guard officer. Soon, they discover that their X-laced escapades are to be interrupted by zombies and monsters that attack them on the ground, from the air, and in the sea, ruled by an evil entity in the House of the Dead”

Ugh. So we’ve got Ravers, Zombies and Techno music. Hurrah. Let’s get this going I suppose. God I hate you guys for making me do this.

A totally unlikable group of assholes are heading to an Island off of Seattle called Isle de le Morte (Island of Death) First of all, could this movie being any more hacky? Second of all, what the fuck is an Island with a Spanish name doing next to Seattle. ARGGHHH

home of the first Starbucks

They’re heading to this amazingly safe sounding Island and an ominous voice over tells us that if they never went to the Island rave, they would still be alive today. Cool thanks for letting us know every single character you just introduced us to will be dying in the next 90 minutes. I was already rooting for their savage deaths so this is actually good news for me.

OH FUCK ARE YOU SERIOUS WITH THIS HOUSE OF THE DEAD???  They just introduced a comic relief fisherman with a goddamn hook for a hand. Is this for real? Oh and if that wasn’t enough to make you want to just stop watching altogether, the fisherman is played by this man:

where is your god now?

That’s right. It’s Ron Howard’s somehow even worse looking brother Clint Howard. This guy is in so many movies as either a bumbling sidekick or a creepy as all hell dude. Jesus Christ I need a drink bottle. So anyways, Clint and his for some reason Russian boat captain are all “we aren’t taking you to the Island it’s haunted!” but then after a sweet bribe, they decide to anyways. Oh shit you guys! I actually found a clip of it so you can understand a little bit of the pain I’m feeling right now.

THERE. ARE YOU HAPPY? I’M GOING TO DRINK MYSELF TO DEATH BECAUSE OF THIS.

Meanwhile on the S.S Asshole, Clint Howard is trying to give one of the whores (who is making soup topless I might add) a medallion to keep her and her friends safe. He makes no mention of her topless cooking antics. I feel like this is a David Lynch movie gone horribly awry. I also am going to mention that at random intervals during this movie it cuts to clips of the game this movie is based on. It’s really quite bizarre. There isn’t any voice over to explain what’s happening, it’s just boom! here’s a clip of a video game from 1995.

After arriving at the Rave they find out that everyone is missing, all the shit is torn down and there’s no music. Only one of them finds this to be suspicious and the rest of them start drinking. I know this is a dumb horror movie but I mean, Jesus Christ, at least give the characters some sort of common sense.

"this looks like a perfect place to camp! Look there's a helpful ghoulish figure waiting for us! HELLO FRIEND!"

But they make the best of things. Most of them head off to the woods to drink and two of them decide to bang in a tent while shitty techno music plays in the background. I’m only 30 minutes into this thing and I’ve had to stop several times just to get ahold of myself. How did someone look at this final product and think this was a good idea. I would imagine that movie screenings of this ended like the  92 L.A. riots: everyone rushing into the streets ready to destroy anything, setting fires and chanting WHY WAS CLINT HOWARD IN THIS over and over while the police try in vain to hold things together. Ahh the cinema, so magical.

"WHY WAS THE RAVE ON AN ISLAND?? IT MAKES NO SENSE!!" *cue flipping a cop car*

Well I really have to speed this along for my sanity’s sake. I’m actually leaving quite a bit out because to be honest, I just don’t give a shit. Three of the original Five assholes stumbled upon a cemetery and they’re all “WHAT IS IT??” Fuck I hate my life right now. Uh they just met some survivors of the original rave massacre and one of them is an Asian woman in an American flag sort of jumpsuit. It’s really quite remarkable.

GOD BLESS AMERICA

Alright, I didn’t pause the movie while I googled for that picture but I’m pretty sure I can piece together whats going on – somehow . Oh and I can’t remember if I mentioned this or not, but through almost all the scenes there is shitty techno music playing. I’m really pissed at you guys.

aww Internet..I can't stay mad at you! Let's go get Ice Cream!!

So to catch you up to speed the Zombies are now just randomly killing everyone and in an especially ludicrous scene a zombie holds a girl’s head underwater and tries to drown her. Since when do Zombies do shit like this? I thought the whole concept behind a Zombie was it’s just a primal animal that only wants to hunt and eat. There is nothing in the rule book that says they can vindictively murder people. I’m surprised they didn’t throw in a scene of a Zombie smothering someone with a pillow.

"I'll put a little bit of this in my victims soup every day until she inevitably dies months later! Mwahaha..I mean..BRAINNSS"

The Russian boat captain who is  still alive for some reason explains that some Spanish guy named Castillo was on a boat back in the day being sent to some prison or some shit and murdered everyone on board and decided to hang out on the Island and murder/perform experiments on the locals. Why on Earth a Spanish prisoner would be sent to an Island near Seattle is beyond me but to be honest I just don’t care anymore and I am extremely jealous of Helen Keller right now.

she doesn't have to watch House of the Dead AND she gets to touch water all day? JEALOUS.

The remaining survivors venture into the woods and find a house that they decide to hang out in. Could this be the titular House of the Dead? Of course it is you idiot. FIFTY GODDAMN MINUTES IN AND THEY’RE FINALLY AT A HOUSE. So they find guns somehow and decide to fight back against the hordes of the undead.

I am about to show you a clip of the scene I just watched and you need to watch it to fully understand just how much pain I’m in. You don’t even have to watch the whole thing, just watch the first two minutes of it and you will have the sudden urge to just lay down on the street and die.

What you just saw was real and was actually put in a feature film that was shown in theaters around the world. It’s ok to cry.

After that cinematic masterpiece and another scene I missed because I went to the kitchen to get pizza,  there is only 2 survivors and they discover that the Spanish guy made a wacky serum that keeps him alive forever but he still looks like a hideous ghoul. I could make so many jokes about Joan Rivers right now but that sort of obvious humor is so far below me.

I need one of these after Chili night! oooh boy!

Castillo is gross as all hell and decides that he wants to take their skin so he can, I assume, go to Seattle and catch a Mariners game. They escape by throwing a grenade that came out of nowhere, thus blowing any semblance of interest the viewer had left as well as their entire budget. The girl got stabbed and died in the process and the dude is pretty bummed about it. All of a sudden a helicopter shows up and saves them and the girls alive again,  leading the viewer to believe he gave her the serum even though the entire house was blown up moments before and I assume that’s where Castillo kept his eternal life serum.

The voiceover declares “Is this the end? Or only the beginning?” I pray to god it’s the end because it’s not like they would make a sequel after this goddamn mess.

pictured: the reason to end your life.

In conclusion this was hands down the worst movie I’ve ever seen and I really feel bad for my sober self who will have to go over this tomorrow and fix the blatant errors and portions where I just wrote FUCKFUCKFUCK over and over again. I also think I suffered a minor stroke during this so I should probably get that checked out. Oh and here’s that online petition to get Uwe Boll to stop making movies: http://www.petitiononline.com/RRH53888/petition.html

Oh and Uwe Boll if you’re reading this, please don’t come to my house and punch me in the throat. Thanks in advance.

Dear Lindsay Lohan: It’s time for you to go back to your tomb

Was the afterlife not good enough for you? We made you a beautiful sarcophagus and lined it with the finest silks, we buried you with your belongings and your precious jewels. We made you a fine tomb Lindsay, why did you decide to raise from the dead and curse us all with your constant withering sideboob and your frequent redbull and vodka fueled rages? The gods must be angry with us.

The Mummy 4: Macys shopping spree

Seriously though Lindsay  looks about 100 years old. What the fuck is that about? She’s only 23 and she looks worse than Phylis Diller. That is a situation that needs to be taken care of. And by “taken care of” I mean she should probably kill herself.

This chick is actually the same age as me and I personally think I am better than her even though I am nowhere near as rich as her and the highlight of my day yesterday was eating an entire tube of sour cream and onion Pringles. No matter how shitty things in my life get I can at least say to myself:  “at least my face doesn’t  look like a catchers mitt from 1925″

"I remember when Babe Ruth used to play...oh those were the days, you could see a game for a nickel"

Seriously. Lindsay was goddamn gorgeous in Mean Girls.

Now lets fastforward to 3 weeks ago

she looks like a coked out slutty Gollum. Keep in mind these are professional photos and judging by the look on her face I’m  guessing the makeup was kicked onto her by a cranky donkey. My word. This chick has fallen from grace faster than Icarus.

"ahhhhhh even though I'm plunging to my death at least I didn't star in Herbie Fully Loaded ahhhhh"

I don’t know how she spiraled into madness so quickly but I just want her to die already or go into Porn. Those are really the only two options left. She is clearly no longer a movie star seeing as how her only movie in the past 2 years went directly to TV. I sort of feel like an asshole even writing about her because she is so goddamn irrelevant in every sense of the word.  So how is Lindsay making money these days? Well guess what guys, she is a fashion designer! more specifically, a leggings designer.

How much would you pay for these leggings? 20 bucks? yea me too. But check it out, they are GODDAMN 88 DOLLARS. Anyone who pays more than 30 bucks for leggings is a fucking moron or an American Apparel shopper. Or both.

the only one I don't want to hit is that kid with the fake mustache. Keep on rockin' in the free world mustache kid

Those are actually the least expensive leggings she offers in her fabulous line. The most expensive are 120 bucks. I don’t even want to bother downloading a picture of them because they are just fucking leggings that have snakeskin on them. Is this real life? Who has that sort of money to throw away on something like that. Coked out lunatics apparently.

But Internet rumor (the best kind of rumor) has it that Lindsay now has a sextape somewhere out there to add to her amazing resume. Im a little shocked for two reasons:

1. That she already hasn’t taken the plunge into porn

2. That people would still want to see her have sex

If this was Lindsay Lohan circa 1999 sign me up because I am all aboard, but if this sex tape is Lindsay circa 6 weeks ago I have a feeling this is going to be delegated to the same corner of the Internet that contains 2girls1cup and that creepy pterodactyl porn (Mom do not look up either of those things)

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

So yes, I am putting a Lindsay Lohan sex tape in the same category as some bizarre 1980’s porn about I’m guessing time traveling dinosaurs who like to rape? Either way Lindsay, if you’re reading this, this is not a category you want to be in as a 23 year old woman. A friend of mine actually calls grilled cheese with ham a “Lohan” and I’m going to let you use your imagination to figure out why (hint: her vagina is gross)

But at least she’s staying busy these days what with her constant breakdowns, missing court, being caught on film doing blow, and of course being the gatekeeper to the doors of hell.

There is no Lindsay, there is only Zuul.

But seriously Lindsay, it’s been a fun ride and I really think it’s time for you to either stop being insane and going back to being a semi good actress, or it’s time for you to die so people will remember you as you were back in the day, and totally forget about any sort of freaky crazy as hell situations you have most recently gotten yourself into.

"worked for me!"

5 of the weirdest places on Earth

The world is a terrible terrible place. If it isn’t crazy ass lobsters out to get you or a Cape Buffalo trying to gore you, then its the Earth itself being a huge creeper. So lets check out some crazy as all hell places!

1. The door to Hell in Uzbekistan

the title for this picture was "super_hell.jpg" I really couldn't put it better myself.

What you are looking at is not Mordor or the Hellpit underneath Sunnydale, It is a gigantic crater that has been burning for the past 35 years. (hey Al Gore maybe do something about this instead of making me feel guilty for getting a plastic bag at the grocery store)

During the time of the Soviet Union (here we go) some Soviet minors decided to drill the shit out of this area until a gas buildup stopped any further work. Using their Soviet smarts, they decided to light the whole goddamn thing on fire and come back when all the gases were burned off.  What a bunch of assholes.

I assume they wanted to get home to play this

So instead of that working out, it ended up causing a huge fireball which formed a 100 feet wide crater and engulfed all of their equipment and camps. I’m guessing around this time they said “fuck it!” and went home to get messed up on Vodka and hit their wives.

Here we are 35 years later and this shit is still burning and I assume evidence is routinely destroyed in it. The tourism department should probably look into changing the name from “The door to Hell” to something a bit less terrifying. Just an idea.

2. The Aokigahara forest in Japan

Looks pretty nice hey? Well guess again asshole. This forest is also dubbed “The suicide forest” for well, obvious reasons. Every year dozens of people travel here specifically to off themselves. The forest was featured in a famous Japanese novel where the two main characters decide to commit suicide a la Romeo and Juliet and they just happen to choose this place as their (dare I say it?) Final Destination. (I’m a hack) But seriously, this places is right out of Silent Hill. Give me some health drinks, a handgun and a lead pipe and I might consider visiting.

NO NO CHANGED MY MIND

People do sweeps of the place every so often for bodies and the police have even put up signs begging people to reconsider. Some signs say “think of your family” and others say “life is a beautiful thing to have, please reconsider!”

one of their less popular signs

Yet despite hilarious 80’s references, people still kill themselves here every year. So wow uhh sorry to depress you guys! Um would it help if I told you that around 500 people have died there since the 50’s and looters often head there hoping to steal some dead guys wallet? Oh. uh. Yea I guess that wouldn’t really help cheer you up would it. I blew it. Well I promise you the next place I talk about doesn’t have dead people involved….

3. Snake Island in Brazil

what am I looking at here? some freaky snake orgy?

….Just snakes. Thousands, and thousands of snakes. This was actually brought to my attention by one of you guys (http://sniffits.wordpress.com/) and I must say it looks just horrible. Basically what you have here is your run of the mill Island populated pretty much solely by snakes.

The Discovery Channel did a documentary on it and they said there is on average 1 snake per 1 square metre. And they’re not the channel with all the shows about midgets doing things so you know it’s legit. People that have visited the Island have also said they see a snake around every 10 minutes. So this is  pretty much Indiana Jones’ worst nightmare.

If I may dust off an old chesnut: "SNAKES! WHY'D IT HAVE TO BE SNAKES?"

But it’s not enough to just have an entire Island filled with these legless jerkoffs, Ohhh noo  God had to go ahead and throw in a crazy as all hell viper that will mess your shit up. It’s called the fer-de-lance which I believe is french for “dickhead” because if this thing bites you its venom can cause your flesh to just sort of rot off. oh! and plus the venom has an anti-coagulant so on top of your fingers falling off you will probably bleed to death too. Thanks alot fer-de-lance!

Luckily this places is an Island and as far as I know snakes don’t know how to construct and then properly pilot either a boat or a plane so I think we’re in the clear.

FOR NOW.

oh shit.

4. The Winchester mystery house

no, no thank you.

The name Winchester is not just good for producing sweet guns and handsome men anymore. It’s now a triple threat because Its also responsible for this spooky as shit house we’re about to talk about.

It used to belong to Sarah Winchester, the widow of the second president of the Winchester Arms company. After her only daughter and husband died she went loco and a total dick of a physic told her the Winchester family was cursed by the spirits of all those people who died from being shot by a one of their guns. She had the choice of either building a house for the spirits to live in or do a 5 season stint on the WB. She chose the former.

probably should have gone with the Tv show you dumb bitch

Construction began and never stopped so there are stairways that go into walls and doors that open up to nothing, basically its an M.C Escher painting. but haunted. This was all done in order to somehow confuse the ghosts even though those bitches can totally go through walls. But I mean, there’s really no way this house couldn’t be haunted. Did you see that sepia toned photo?

a slinkys dream! or a self loathing slinkys nightmare

This house is seriously massive. It has 160 rooms, 2 goddamn BALLROOMS and 3 frigging elevators. It makes the Beasts huge ass castle look like a shack. But seriously, check out these pictures of this place

Think of all the ways Macaulay Culkin could fuck with robbers in that house! OH my god it would be amazing!

You can actually go visit this place, It’s in Southern California…so are you guys thinking what I’m thinking???? ROADTRIP! I’ll bring my first ever burnt CD from 1998 (spoiler alert- it contains a lot of Backstreet Boys)

5. Lake Nyos in Cameroon

Doesn’t look too messed up right? Well sucker, you are wrong yet again. This lake has straight up murdered people. The story is a pocket of magma is hanging out under the lake and it releases carbon dioxide into the water. Pretty weird right? well in ‘86 the lake suddenly emitted a huge cloud of carbon dioxide and quickly suffocated 1700 people and around 3000 animals. Did I mention the locals call it “The lake that kills” ?

and the lakes lesser counterpart "the bed that eats"

People couldn’t even live around the area because everything is so messed up from the gassy lake, but recently efforts have been made to get people back in the surrounding areas. So I guess things will really work out for them in the end!

Oh wait, it turns out the natural wall of the lake is extremely close to breaking and if this happens it will flood everything within range with its smelly fart water. Fuck.

Well looks like everyone there should probably take a little jaunt over to Japan and see a wonderful forest I know of.

Daybreakers: apparently there is such a thing as too many vampires

Well Vampires, you had a good run but it turns out Hollywood has tapped you dry of your ghoulish, sexually ambiguous charm. Daybreakers was, without a doubt, the worst vampire movie I have ever seen and I have seen both Twilight 1 and 2.

If you aren’t familiar with the movie it’s about a world full of vampires who harvest humans for their blood and there is a vampire scientist who is trying to find a cure/blood substitute so the human hunting will stop. Sounds pretty alright(ish) but it was seriously just the worst. So where did this movie go wrong? let me count the ways.

1. The main vampires name was Edward

vampire scientist? eh, talk to me when its a marine biologist Frankensteins monster

If this movie was made a year ago and Twilight wasn’t all over the fucking place then I could let this slide but I mean, the people involved in this movie had to have known this was going to cause people to at least say “huh?” Even my boyfriend thought it was retarded and until recently he thought Edward Cullens last name was Cuthbert so you can see what I’m working with here.
My point is that already this movie had the feeling that a bunch of film executives got in a room and had a meeting that essentially consisted of:

“you know what the kids love these days? VAMPIRES! what if every single person in a movie was a vampire? ITS MOVIE GOLD!”

why can't they just make Blackula Vs. Black Dracula and call it a day?

Yet they decided to give the main character the exact same name of a vampire in a gigantic franchise. Plus Ethan Hawke is terrible looking these days so there is only room enough in my heart for one undead boyfriend:

God vampires are so erotic and mysterious! I LOVE YOUUUU

But this was only the tip of the shitty iceberg. The worst was yet to come in several goddamn straight up baffling forms.

2. The humans on the run from vampires exclusively did their running away in the night

This seems like the perfect time to do our daily errands!

I know what you’re thinking “hey at least the humans have a solid like 15 hours of daylight to move around or even break into the vampire suburbs and smash all their windows!” But no! the humans in this movie decided to I guess hang out and sleep all day and do all of their top-secret missions in the middle of the fucking night. I’m talking like driving around at night, speaking at full volume at night,  and I assume shooting guns and clanging pots just to really hammer the point home to any vampires hanging around that there is a whole shitload of humans hanging out.

FUCK! I seriously hated every single character in this movie and I didn’t learn anyone’s names aside from Edward so I really did not give a fuck about any of the humans. Luckily almost all of them got killed so small victory for me I suppose.

3. When vampires don’t get enough human blood, they turn into weird bats…for some reason.

pictured: Courtney Love

Now I’ve seen Vampires that sparkle in the sun and I’ve seen vampires that are actually Eddie Murphy in a terrible comedy but I have never seen Vampires that turn into bats as a side effect from not eating blood. I always assumed turning into a sweet bat was an awesome privilege of being a Vampire. Think about it! You want to spy on that hot girl next door? Turn into a bat and hang out in a tree by her window. BOOM problem solved. You want to murder someones dog? Turn into a bat, carry a Jerry can of gas in your claws, dump the gas on the dog and somehow strike a match with your claws…uhh well I guess that last one would be easier if you were a person but you get the point.

I'M GOING TO MURDER YOU!!!!!

These murderous batty things in the movie are called “sub-siders” for some reason and they are really causing havoc what with the breaking into vampires house and scaring them with their gross faces so the pressure is really on to invent a cure or a blood substitute. Plus they are extremely fast and strong which makes no sense because they are the result of a vampire almost starving to death so you would think they would be as threatening as a malnourished baby.  Luckily for everyone, Willem Dafoe shows up with a bad ass beard and a cure for Vampirism. Are you ready for it? I don’t think you are because its goddamn ridiculous.

4. The cure for Vampirism is… THE SUN!

NAAAA SAYY BENNN YAAA

I’m not even kidding about this you guys. Willem Dafoe tells Edward a delightful tale of him when he used to be a vampire. It seems he was doing some daytime driving (screens block the windows and they use a video camera to see the road) when he somehow got distracted, drove into a fence, flung out the windshield thus catching on fire from being in the sun and then landed in some water. Upon surfacing he discovered he wasn’t a vampire anymore.

Makes sense right?

..Oh wait a minute NO!  it absolutely does not make any sense.

At this point in the movie I was more interested at looking in my box of Reese’s Pieces so you can imagine how goddamn enraged I was once the cure for being a Vampire was revealed to be the fucking sun. I mean, MY GOD, how could anyone think this was a good idea?? I want to go back to sparkly vampires and/or Eddie Murphy vampires.

Oh Eddie Murphy! What wont you do? (for coke)

But believe it or not people, this movie gets somehow even worse. How you ask?

5. WHAT IS THIS? I DON’T EVEN….

Have you ever been watching something and been able to pin point the exact moment the writers completely went hay wire and just said “fuck it!”? I have pretty much made a semi popular internet writing career based on writers having nervous breakdowns and deciding they’re dead inside but I must say Daybreakers really takes the cake on this one.

if you don't get this reference you should probably wikipedia "jump the shark" YOU LOSER.

So here we are with a cure for Vampirism so Ethan Hawke and his friends try to convince the evil head vampire guy that it’s a good thing and he’s all “get fucked! I love being a vampire you boners!” But I guess Ethan Hawke discovered that if a newly turned into human gets bitten by a vampire, then the vampire turns human. I am not making that up.

So this leads to by far the most insane, retarded scene in film history and I’m counting What’s eating Gilbert Grape which had a goddamn actual retard in every scene.

Ethan Hawkes newly human brother gets eaten by a bunch of vampire soldiers. Other vampire soldiers witness this, but don’t get a chance to eat him because there are so many people eating him already. These first vampires that are chomping on him quickly turn into humans. The other vampires HAVING JUST WITNESSED VAMPIRES TURNING INTO HUMANS FROM EATING ANOTHER VAMPIRE DECIDE TO EAT THESE SOLDIERS THUS TURNING TO HUMANS THEMSELVES. This goes on for like 2 more rounds until there are only 3 vampires turned humans alive and they are all confused as to what happened. ARE YOU SERIOUS???

That’s like you witnessing your friend eat a hamburger, then watching them become violently ill from it, then eating that burger and becoming violently ill yourself and not knowing why. MY GOD.

So after I must have blacked out or something because before I knew it Ethan Hawke and his merry band of idiots are driving off into the sunrise with a voiceover saying “we have a cure if you want it” Wow good ending guys. So they really didn’t solve anything because all around the world vampires are still starving and turning into ugly batpeople. FUCK. OH my god I’m getting so enraged just thinking about it again. I’ve got to go blow off some steam, time to get my Jerry can and set some dogs on fire.

4 Deadliest animals in the world (Eff you God)

Guess what? everything wants to kill you everywhere you go. It’s sad but, it’s true. The sooner you understand that the sooner you will secretly start resenting your cat now that you know he will eat your eyeballs if you die.

the face of a killer. IM ON TO YOU!

But it’s not just things in your own backyard that would love to see you dead, its animals all over the goddamn place so let’s see what places to avoid and why

1. The Box Jellyfish of Australia

OH shit! It's a box jellyfish! GET IN THE SUBMARINE!

I could have really just made this “Any animal or thing in Australia” because I’m pretty sure 80% of that place is deadly. In fact 1 out of 5 children born in Australia is born on fire. It’s a fact but maybe don’t look too hard into it.

This jellyfish will fuck your shit up. It’s nicknamed the “sea wasp” which is awful because I hate the sea and I hate wasps so right away I don’t have high hopes for me and this jellyfish getting along too well. They are also known as “the sucker punch of the sea” which is something I can get on board with. Haha sucker punch of the sea, oh box jellyfish you so crazy! haha. But seriously, It will Fuck your shit up.

ARGH

So basically these assholes will sting the shit out of you and you will probably die. They’re pretty much transparent so you don’t notice until its TOO LATE. There are several varieties of box jellyfish but the most fucked up of all has to be this little guy:

pictured: the devil.

This jellyfish, Carukia barnesi, is only the size of a thumbnail, but it is seriously the devil. The sting leads to the usual gambit of symptoms like nausea, vomiting and muscle pain but you can also suffer from something called Irukandji syndrome which gives you a sense of impending doom. I’m serious.  It’s been reported people that have been stricken with this have begged doctors to kill them because they are so certain they are going to die.

Are you serious with this Carukia barnesi? Why are you such an asshole? It’s not bad enough you sting the shit out of unsuspecting Australians but you have to give them a total mindfuck on top of it? You are a cruel bastard.

Thank god I know your weakness: A debilitating fear of old women hands

Luckily there has been only 2 reported deaths from that little guy, So we’ll take our chances with big poppa Box Jellyfish that has only been responsible for….5 thousand deaths since the 50’s. FUCK. FUCK YOU OCEAN!

2. The Cape Buffalo of Africa

"is there mud on my face? I feel like theres mud on my face"

Fun Fact: when I was little I thought Cape Buffalo actually had capes and I was pretty disappointed when I found out they were basically cows with huge horns. So I already had a bit of a beef with them but then I found out they kill around 400 people A YEAR in Africa which made me throw them off the Christmas card list for good.

hey Cape Buffalo, take a long look because it's the last card you will ever see from me.

These things don’t really look all that deadly what with the constant drooling and staring at nothing for hours but apparently if you piss them off they will knock you on your ass faster than a fat chick falling on you on the dance floor. They are known around Africa as “Black Death” which is horrifying and a great name for my metal band that only sings songs about Buffalo.

ha! look what I got when I googled Black death. God I love the internet

Bizarre drawings of medieval teachers having heart attacks aside, These hilarious looking killing machines are no joke. They don’t out-and-out run after humans for no reason, But If you shoot a gun  or make an inappropriate joke near one they will straight up murder your ass.

"what did you just say? My wife is jewish! That joke is offensive!!"

So your best bet here would be to avoid these guys if you were in Africa. But actually, maybe just avoid Africa as a whole. I think that would be best.

3. The Grizzly bear of Canada

so cool!

Oh bears! whenever I go to the zoo they are the only animals that don’t look like they want to kill themselves, they’re always just hanging out on the grass looking dumb. They are the hungover college students of the nature world.

But unlike hungover college students their deadly arsenal doesn’t solely contain puking in their bed, it also contains a giant ass mouth and gigantic feet that could and likely will rip your goddamn head off.

shit.

As a Canadian I actually have seen shit tons of bears but usually they’re just black bears hanging out in trees eating plums. Grizzly’s are horrifying and luckily I haven’t ever seen one. They’re goddamn gigantic and not only can they run surprisingly fast they can also climb trees and swim really well so unless you’re wearing a jet pack when you stumble upon one you are probably going to die a terrible, terrible death.

I guess unless you're this guy?

The main reason most people get eaten by bears is because they think they’re so cute and cuddly and not that harmful,  I blame the creation of the Teddy bear and that British bastard Paddington Bear.

this is pretty accurate...right?

Another reason bears are such a problem is because dumbass campers constantly leave out delicious meats and the bears can’t resist (dare I say it?) stealing those pic-a-nic baskets. (comedy gold!)

As terrible as Bears are, they did bring us this youtube video:

ahahah that is never not funny. Oh good god that is comedy! wooo. Where was I? Oh yea, Bears are the devil and they will eat you.

4. This goddamn thing from AUSTRALIA

an undersea vagina? what the hell am I looking at here?

Goddamn it Australia! what is your problem??

That, my friends, is the deadly cone snail. It will mess up your world. These have actually only killed around 15 people but the fact that it’s a frigging snail makes that very impressive. How embarrassing would that be to explain to James Dean in heaven?

“Oh you died in such a cool, bad ass way! I uhhh…I picked up a snail and I died. I  understand if you want to punch me in the gut”

If you pick these things up and hold them for too long they can sting the shit out of you with a weird harpoon thing they have. It can even pierce through gloves and wetsuits so I guess you should just scrap that Kevlar snail handling glove you were trying to patent.

This snail is making me uncomfortable.

If you get stung by this erotic looking stinger you will suffer from muscle paralysis, swelling, intense pain and it can lead to respiratory failure and then death. But its ok guys! because I’m totally sure there is an antivenom available.

Turns out that’s not true. So if you get stung by one of these you should probably start calling everyone you know and tell them how much you love them or alternatively, telling them what you really hate about them. Either one is bound to leave an impression.

So in conclusion what have we learned here? I learned to never leave my house for fear of  basically every creature on Earth. Well that really puts a damper on things. I should probably look into getting a Mumu.

please let it come with the eyeglass chain!!!

My favorite couples (besides myself and vodka)

Some people are lucky in love (those assholes) and some people aren’t, but we aren’t here to talk about you (see what I did there?) We’re here to talk about those jerks that find love and rub it in everyone elses face. Jerks.

1. Buttercup and Wesley

seen here at their highschool prom

OH man when I was little all I wanted was a grimy blonde farmboy to call my very own! I love the Princess Bride for two things: a young Fred Savage and to witness the love between these two. They are a great couple because they go through the same trials and tribulations that most modern couple experience, such as dealing with murderous pirates and rejecting sexual advances by a guy  named Humperdink.

look at this fucking potential rapist

But seriously, whose heart didn’t melt when Buttercup found out Wesley really meant “I love you” when he said “as you wish” I know my icy heart did. Though Buttercup was a huge bitch to him at first so I would imagine a few of those “as you wish” really meant “get fucked” well that sort of put a damper on things.

Fuck.

Nevertheless! Wesley is a great boyfriend because that motherfucker learned how to become immune to poison, fought gigantic rats AND took on the identity of a murderous pirate all for his lady. Plus when he was the Dread Pirate Roberts he had a sweet black outfit and a stellar moustache

LOOK AT THAT THING. GOD DAMN.

2. C-3Po and R2-D2

you know they totally get freaky with R2's front foot thing

These two have everything I aspire to have in a relationship: one part saucy dandy and one part robotic midget with gadgets…or something like that. Anyways, could you imagine their wedding? C-3Po all moving his arms up and down saying “Oh my” alot while R2-D2 whistles and sort of shakes from side to side. hahah oh so much like us!

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “hey jerk, they aren’t even a couple!”

Arent they?

Think back to every scene with these two in it. So loving, am I right? They are a better couple then Han and Leia. They are totally gay for each other, just like how Chewie is gay for Han. And just like how pretty much everyone ever is gay for Han.

Cantina Band? You guessed it! Gay for Han.

But this isn’t about a gushingly handsome smuggler, this is about the beautiful union of two robots. Sure, they’ve had some rough times like when R2 had to go to the swamp with Luke or when C-3PO had to spend the majority of Return of the Jedi in a goddamn backpack strapped to a Wookie, but despite all of that they still find time to enjoy the simple things together. Things like uhh projecting things? and …being..robots? I’m not really sure about the ins and outs of a gay robots relationship. I imagine there is a lot of looking for robot antiques and watching robot the L word.

3. Fry and Leela

He loves her despite her obvious flaw: the scrunchie.

While not technically a couple, they damn well should be. It is quite clear that Fry would do anything for her and its also pretty clear that eventually she will just weigh her options, give up and start dating him because it’s easy and he’s there. Just like how the rest of us fell in love. OH COME ON YOU KNOW ITS TRUE.

"...and Romeo proclaimed unto his love Juliet: "Meh, I guess we can see where this goes"

Fry has done some great things to prove his love, including making a deal with the devil, becoming infected with worms, buying her a bird, and literally moving the stars for her to spell out that he loved her. SO ROMANTIC.

at lease my boyfriend takes out the trash for me?

Apparently they actually do get together at the end of one of those direct to DVD movies they just released but I’m going to be honest with you, they were fucking awful and I never saw the last one. I’m just going to have to take Google image search’s word for it with that one picture they had of them kissing. Oh and don’t ever Google  “Fry and Leela” with the safe search off. Yeesh. MY EYES.

I've never loved a black rectangle more

So even though I was inadvertently exposed to terrible MS Paint paintings of them doinkin’ they are still one of my favorite couples.

4. Bert and Ernie

TRU LUV 4EVA

God they really live the domestic life don’t they? I would imagine their house is very harmonious, Ernie gets up and irons Berts stripped sweaters while Bert trains his pigeons to drop rose petals on Ernie. They have everything I want in a relationship.

When I was little I thought they slept in the same bedroom because they were brothers but then sometime around the age of 11 I figured out that it was actually because they were fucking on a regular basis.

push those two beds together and BING BONG

They are on this list because they have been trailblazers in the right for gay marriage since the 70’s. Back when everything was crazy with the Apollo 13 and the Bellbottoms and what nots,  Bert and Ernie stood up and proclaimed “We are here, we’re queer and we love rubber duckies” Their love is so true:

I wish my boyfriend would sing this song to me every night instead of just turning his back and farting. Maybe someday…

5. Jack Nicholson, whores and liquor

HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN???

Fuck I love this man. He can do no wrong in my eyes. Have you guys seen him lately?

JEALOUS

This guy is like 80 years old and he is still partying with random whores in yellow dresses. He is living the life. He smokes like a chimney, gets drunk and does interviews, bangs women half his age and the public still love him. He’s like that one horribly racist Grandpa everyone has that they just sort of roll their eyes at because he lived a hard life and worked hard so it’s OK that he calls every Chinese person he meets “Hong”

Anyways, the more I look the more amazing photos of this man appear. Check this one out:

So majestic, like a manatee or a fat man in the ocean..oh wait.

How the hell did he manage to continue smoking a cigarette out in the middle of the Ocean? How did he get it out there without it getting wet? How did he light it? The answer is simple my friends: Jack Nicholson is the greatest man alive.

And who is it that keeps him so awesome? His lifetime companions: Liquor and whores. It’s the menagie-trois that just seems to work for him. Keep on rockin’ in the free world Jack.

God bless you sweet prince, God bless you

Last House on the Left: A drunken review

Hey kids, remember when I asked you guys to pick out shitty movies for me to get drunk and review? well here is the first of three. Me and my good friend Fireball will be reviewing this little ditty. So let’s get crackin’ I guess.

you are the yin to my yang

Right off the bat I thought Josh Brolin was in this but I was sorely mistaken. It was just an off brand Brolin. DAMN IT.  Actually on closer inspection he looks nothing at all like Josh Brolin. DAMN ME.

Ok so whats going on here. A generic looking blonde girl is out in the woods with her family and they’re talking about how her much better looking, more talented brother died somehow and the girl is wearing a necklace that he gave her. They zoomed in on the necklace several times so I’m guessing it’s important. All they needed was a few neon arrows pointing at it to really hammer the point home.

Anyways she asked if she could go into town to hang out with her townie friend. This is all just boring development which I feel is uncalled for in most horror movies since on the back on the DVD case they usually show at least one character dying so you know you can just mentally shut off as soon as they come on the scene. That and if they’re black. Yea, I said it.

pictured: The only black man to never die in horror movies.

Luckily for this girl she has no black friends but unluckily for her she does have a slutty friend who agrees to go smoke some “primo weed” with some shady fucking kid they busted shoplifting in the store she works at just moments before. Kids these days.

I bet this guy has some primo weed too! in the back of his 1994 Chevy Astrovan

Of course it goes horribly awry when this kids dad (non Brolin) and his henchmen show up and decide the most reasonable course of action is to show the two girls the newspaper that says they are wanted by the police, then rough them and drive them out to the woods to murder them. Pretty solid game plan, I’d say.

it's all here in this book, pages 17-28

ahh I started dicking around with my cat (poor choice of words?) and I sort of wasn’t paying attention but as far as I can tell the girls are clearly about to get murdered out in the woods. Also the evil woman henchmen is wearing awful overalls. good lord. Hang on I’ll try to find a picture.

notice non-Brolin lurking in the back

Now, as a backstory, my friend Darcy watched this movie before me and all he really had to say about it was there is was an awkwardly long rape scene in it. And let me tell you, this rape scene is so uncomfortably long it’s almost comical. It went on for so long I actually got bored. I’m possibly going to Hell for admitting that. I just sat and watched while sipping my bottle of Whiskey. I think the cops might show up at any moment saying they got a report of a girl drinking whiskey with an afghan blanket around her shoulders watching a brutal rape scene on her computer.

perfect for snuggling up in and watching violent rapes

Ok I’m really getting off the rails here. Where was I? Oh ok the raping is over and one girl got shanked in the gut for trying to run for help. But it was bound to happen because SNITCHES GET STITCHES. The kid they smoked weed with originally is objecting to all of this but since he’s a bitch no one is listening and Non-Brolin gave him that girls necklace. OK WAIT. Non-Brolins character name is KRUG. Jesus Christ. with a name like that how could he not be a murderous rapist? ..or a Caveman. Or a rapist caveman but to be honest,  I think all cavemen were rapists to a certain extent.

I think I know where this is going

Anyways, they shot the remaining chick in the back as she tried to swim to safety and she somehow survived the ordeal without drowning or becoming paralyzed. She is possibly Batman, I will look into this further.

Ok now its back to the parents and they’re all “shit wheres our daughter/our car?” and the evil henchmen got into a car accident and somehow wandered onto their property and now they’re asking if they can spend the night. They have possibly the most awkward small talk ever since the time I yelled at a girl for trying to pass off an urban legend as a real story. YOUR FRIEND DIDNT FIND SEMEN IN HER CHINESE FOOD YOU DUMB BITCH. Woo sorry that was the cinnamon whiskey talking.

Ok so the kid with the “primo weed” is all “fuck the chick we shot totally lives here ahhh I better leave this incriminating evidence that pins her recent disappearance on us” and promptly leaves her necklace as a clue. Her dumb-ass mom finds it and now I assume the killings will start. As a quick side note, I have seen the original of this film and in that one there is an amazing scene where the mom tricks one of her daughters killers into a BJ and she totally bites his dink off. It is hilarious! If you can find the original I highly recommend watching it or at least fast forwarding to that scene. I would imagine it was probably a lot more offensive in the 70’s but they also thought the Brady Bunch was funny so nuts to them. Alright turns out I missed quite a bit by not pausing it as a I went on my dink biting rant.

like this only instead of a delicious twinkie, it was a penis.

Uhh apparently that girl somehow drug her ass home and collapsed on the porch a filthy mess. Ho ho, I have been there sister! Her dad is like “hey instead of calling the cops, lets torture and murder these people to keep the movie going for another 30 minutes” and the wife is all “ok”

So now there is just some killing and no dink biting on the horizon that I can see so I’m pretty disappointed thus far. Uhhh the kid with the primo weed is all “I’ve had enough of your constant killings and rapings Dad! I want to go live with Mom!” good for him, finally sticking up for himself.

Well his Dad just shot him. That panned out well. They are probably the most dysfunctional family I’ve ever seen

......... nevermind

Alright the kid that just got shot is OK! and the family is taking him away on a speedboat (so cool!) along with their dying daughter. THE END. Oh wait there’s a bonus scene. Krug is still alive apparently and the Dad has somehow paralyzed him except for his head and he is putting his head in a microwave and turning it on. Annnndd now Krugs head is exploding. What the fuck? That felt extremely tacked on. Jesus Christ. There is no way that would have ever worked.  They decided to cut out the dink biting scene but added in a bizarre, nonsensical scene of a mans head exploding in a microwave? Worst. Ever. I mean, at least you can believe someone biting a penis off but microwave head exploding? Oh brother!

"the only upside to my head exploding in this microwave is at least I'll leave a popcorn scented corpse"

Ugh. Are you happy? I just got wasted alone and watched one of the shittiest movies ever. I have to go rethink some major life choices I have made. But remember! I still have two other movies that you assholes chose for me to review. Pee Wees big adventure and House of the Dead. Fuck Love you guys!

Presents of Christmas past, or: Are my childhood gifts still kickass?

Well guys the holidays are upon us and I don’t know about you but I have clearly been drinking a lot and watching Christmas Vacation. Oh you Griswolds, when will you learn?

Christmas time electrocutions are the most hilarious of all the electrocutions. FACT.

After drunkenly shaking all my presents under the tree I thought now would be a good time to reflect on my past  Christmas gifts and see if I would still be as stoked to get them. So lets take a trip down memory lane and see what my childhood has to offer this time (hint: it will probably be nerdy as all hell.)

1.Pogs

POGS!!!! also, you can put your weed in there.

FUCK YES I LOVED POGS. I don’t really know why though, to be honest I never actually played the game because even at a tender age I knew it was retarded. For those of you that don’t know how to play, you essentially stack up a bunch of these things and then hit them with a metal Pog and whichever ones land face down you get to keep. Is it just me or does this have the feeling that someone made it up on the fly to get Pogs from that one fat kid everyone knows that would do anything to be popular? Either way I never played because I didn’t want to part with my beloved Pogs. In my mind, every game of Pog played had the potential to become a Sophie’s choice situation in a real hurry.

how could I ever part with any of you??

I did, however, still love Pogs and my OCD became rampant when I decided I NEEDED TO COLLECT ALL OF THEM EVER. I had all of the Simpson Pogs and I also had all of the Lion King pogs. In other words, I was super cool and all the boys loved me.

But do I still want them?

Fuck no. My boyfriend and I actually came across some of his Pogs that his mom found in a closet and they were actually pretty goddamn lame. I think about 80% of them had a goddamn skull on them so I had a hard time getting excited about them. Really, if anything, the sight of those Pogs brought back a terrible memory from my childhood where I saved up a whole shit ton of Kool-aid points and sent away for the OFFICIAL Pog Game and I got a letter weeks later saying they ran out of Pogs games and sent me back all my points in a little envelope. My childhood ended that day.

DREAM KILLER

So in conclusion: Pogs are gay as hell and not even cool in an ironic way and Kool-aid can go fuck itself.

2. Tamagotchi

Mans best friend. Also, how goddamn depressed does that thing look?

Oh man did I ever love my Tamagotchi. I had a purple one I remember distinctly and it would only ever change into one type of monster and It pissed me off to no end. It looked like a retarded duck.

Fuck yes I'm a good artist.

Anyways, these things were a huge time waster and they would constantly beep in the middle of the night and I would lose my shit and throw it out into the hallway. Hopefully any babies I have wont scream in the middle of the night or It could really end badly. Shortly after these came out some other company was like “Fuck that noise, we can make them better” and then they did. Out came Nano Babies which I loved with all my heart. I got one and named it Fox Mulder because I’m a goddamn sicko apparently. We had some good times together, Fox and I. He would beep, I would press the left button to feed him. It was just like raising a real child. Until the unspeakable happened and Fox suddenly DIED.Well not so much died as the machine froze and then broke possibly from all those nights spent whipping it against a doorframe for beeping too loudly. R.I.P. Little guy

But do I still want one?

What am I? an idiot? Of course I still want one. My god. This thing would have so many uses. How goddamn sweet would it be to pull one of these out at a party “oh, excuse me, I just have to feed my TAMAGOTCHI!!” Boom! instant popularity. On the other hand I enjoy sleeping in even more now so I would probably get a sore shoulder from throwing this thing out my window at 4 in the morning. I also don’t think I could go through another emotional loss of a digital child, my little heart just can’t take it. WHY DIDNT YOU TAKE ME INSTEAD OF NANO BABY FOX MULDER???

3.Lite Brite

these assholes sure look like they're having fun

Obviously these things are fucking amazing. It comes with sweet templates so you can make a rocket ship or a frog and stuff. Every kid looks at this and is always “fuck that! I can make my own sweet Lite Brite art!” but then moments into creation they realize they have no idea what their doing so they just end up making it say Poo or something like that. Or maybe that was just my childhood.

I also used it to recreate Rush album covers

These toys have been around for frigging ever and I loved mine until I forgot about it and abandoned it in the garage and accidentally ran over part of it with my car several years later. But all presents eventually suffer that fate. Even puppies.

But do I still want it?

Hell yes I still want one. Are you kidding me? I want to get one and spell out hateful messages, then plug it in and leave it by the front door so it’s the first thing someone sees when they come home. A delightful childlike message that says “You’re dead to me” haha oh the hilarity! But it also has lots of other great uses:

making portaits of David Bowie

making statements about your marijuana addled brain

and of course: the square tits

I feel like the case for Lite Brites is pretty frigging strong, especially with that Square tit closure. Fuck yes Lite Brites rule.

4.  Super Nintendo

Obviously the greatest present of all time. We had the original Nintendo and my brother and I played that all the time so it only made sense for our parents to get us the SNES. After we basically told them outright to get it for us or we would be pissed right off, they really had no choice but to relent. AND OH MAN how goddamn sweet was this thing? I remember when we got it Donkey Kong Country came out right away and they bought us that too and those graphics blew our funkin’ minds.

I've seen the future and it is vultures throwing coconuts

We played this literally all Christmas day and It was a scene that would be replayed years later when I got my PS2 and played Grand theft auto all day until my dad barreled down the stairs and yelled at me to go outside. Ah memories.

But do I still want one?

Guess what assholes? I still have this badboy. I played it yesterday afternoon and it was everything I ever wanted and more. My super nintendo has been really the only constant in my life, I have gone through friends, jobs, and boyfriends but through it all my SNES has always been there for me. Is that sad or heartwarming? I’m going to go with heartwarming so I don’t end up killing myself.

ALL MY LIFE I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR SOMEONE LIKE YOU

I still have my original controllers complete with bite marks that I put in them when MARIO JUST WOULDN’T FUCKING JUMP ONTO THAT LEDGE. Actually one of them got broken recently when my friends had a drunken street fighter championship and my brother lost so he threw it against a wall, flipped over the coffee table and then left. Ah memories!

GODDAMN IT CHUN LI GET OUT OF THE WAY! *cue smashed lamp*

So in conclusion I got some pretty effing sweet Christmas presents over the years. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to go challenge my brother to a Street Fighter tournament after I move all the furniture out of the way. Merry Christmas!

Ghost hunting shows: either show ghosts or just stop.

I love creepy ghost shows and I spent the majority of my youth reading urban legends and watching FBI agents shoot aliens in the face. If I was still 13 years old i might legitimately be entertained by these ghost hunting shows. But I’m not 13 years old and these fucking shows are just terrible. Notice how I said “shows” thats because there are like 14 of these things. Check it out we’ve got Ghost Hunters, Ghost Hunters International, Most haunted, Paranormal State, Ghost Adventures, Ghost Lab. AND IT GOES ON LIKE THIS.

COMING THIS FALL TO ABC

I’m going to pitch a show to TLC called “Ghost Cake challenge” and if they don’t like that, I have another one called “Ghost and Ghost plus eight Ghosts” they would be fools to not buy that one!

"this fondant is to DIE for! get it? I'm a ghost...also a baker"

The one thing these shows all have in common besides having at least cast member with a dumpy looking beard is that they never actually see any ghosts. EVER. Oh they see tons of orbs, which is the scariest shape since the rapist trapezoid, but they never ever see any actual ghosts. These shows are just people clumsily banging around haunted barns for 45 minutes while they occasionally shout “DID YOU HEAR THAT??” it is just the fucking worst.

A GHOST!!! RUN BITCH, GET HELP!

But out of all of these shows Paranormal State is the one that fills me with the most rage. I’m hanging out enjoying some quality programing on A&E, whether it be hoarders finding dead cats in their houses, crack addicts spitting on themselves or Steven Seagal crackin’ skulls, when I am suddenly bombarded by this goddamn mess.

now this is entertainment!

The main guy, Ryan,  always goes off about how when he was little he had some traumatic experience with ghosts so I was all “shit ya!” but then it turned out that he was just scared of ghosts when he was little. WTF. That is barely being haunted. I got terrorized and scared for the majority of my youth by my father who would routinely grab my legs as I ran up the stairs and I don’t have a goddamn show on A&E. That being said, I am strangely attracted to this guy and It sickens me to my very core.

So people always call them and get them to come check out their haunted piano (yes that was actually in an episode) or whatever and then Ryan explains about how the ghost is actually following him and ruining his life. What a pompous son of a bitch. So let’s take a look at some of this hard evidence that Paranormal State has to offer us.

THRILL! …as someones elbow is bumped

SCREAM! …as someone wakes up and all the lights are turned off

SHRIEK! ….as someone thinks he hears a box being moved around

GASP! ….as a man in a peacoat walks around a basement alone

Jesus Christ. The thing that pisses me off is that this could probably be a good show if they marketed it as a scripted horror show instead of a reality show. It could be about this goon and his friends helping people out while trying to track down the demon that has haunted him his entire life. But instead they try to pass it off as reality which is just an insult to everyone. Hey, Paranormal State: Do I look like an asshole? because that’s what you are saying to me when you insult my intelligence like this. Go to Hell. And maybe take your shirt of Ryan so I can see what I’m working with.

Ghost Hunters is the grand daddy of awful ghost shows and their “proof” is always just shadows or someone dropping a coffee mug or messing up sheets on a bed. I guess what really enrages me about these shows is that the ghosts could just be some intern running around in the shadows.

"hmm I think I hear a ghost being...ghostly behind this wall. Paycheque please"

If I was a ghost I wouldn’t be haunting these jerks, I would be hanging out on David Duchovny’s ceiling waiting for him to change into his Pajamas (so hot) But that is neither here nor there….anyways, let’s see what photographic evidence these assholes have to bring to the table

SPOOOOOKY

So what the hell is this? This would only impress me if that entire fence was a ghost but I don’t really know if ghost fences exist. That would really open a floodgate of possible ghost objects and I don’t know if I can sleep at night knowing there might be a ghost peach hanging out in the corner of my bedroom. I think the ghost in the photo is possibly the blurry cloud infront of the fence. THE HORROR.

Let’s see if youtube has anything to offer us, and I hope it isn’t all in nightvision because it will give me flashbacks of the Paris Hilton sex tape.

What the fuck. To be honest, I have no fucking clue what just happened in that clip. If you haven’t ever watched Ghost Hunters that clip is a pretty good example. picture watching that for an hour. HOW ARE THESE SHOWS STILL ON.  It’s the same fucking thing every time. Everyone involved in them must be just dead inside because their career is essentially working in a carnival funhouse that is televised. I bet they have people on staff with the job position  “official spooky groan maker” and “chain shaker” my god. so so terrible.I’ve been more scared at episodes of Scooby-Doo

WHOA! IS THIS AN ACTUAL THING? HOLY SHIT

Wow. I totally just lost my train of thought now that I know a movie called “Scooby Doo meets Batman” exists. I…I really have to go try and find that. Where was I? Oh yea, Ghost hunting shows are fucking dumb and A&E should stick to what it knows: Videotaping girls who are addicting to huffing duster

Help fuel my drinking!

Hey guys, you know how I review shitty movies? of course you do. Well I want you guys to pick your favorite un intentionally bad movie  and I’ll pick my favorite choice and get wasted and review it. It’s really a win-win situation because I will suffer through a bad movie for your internet enjoyment and my liver gets to do what it does best: die slowly. So put on your thinking caps and leave me your choice in the comments!

HEY HEY WE HAVE A WEINER

Well after careful consideration I decided to totally M.Night you guys and choose THREE winners! Yes thats right. What a twist! You guys had some great suggestions except for those assholes who suggested the new xfiles movie because they clearly do not understand my rampant love for it. Also someone suggested Titanic which would be good but I get extreme Irish guilt for laughing at all the poor people drowning. Anyways the winners are:

Last House on the Left (remake obviously)

PeeWees Big Adventure

and…

House of the Dead by Uwe Boll. Technically “anything by Uwe Boll” was nominated but this is the only movie by that crazy asshole I can stomach what with the zombies and all.

I tried to get my hands on that amazing sounding Raptor Island movie that was nominated if only to be buried with it like a Pharaoh, but I couldn’t find it anywhere. Help a brother lady out if you have a torrent or whatnot.

Anyways now that I am home for the holidays I’ll get crackin on this ASAP as long as I don’t die from a bizarre rum and eggnog overdose (so cool) Thanks for all your suggestions!