Dating Tips from someone who farts themselves awake once a week

Every day that I wake up and look over to see a sleeping, snoring angel of a man next to me I always wonder how I got so lucky, but I really should be asking myself how did he get so lucky to have me. I’ll tell you how he got lucky to have me, I am a flipping catch. I decided to share with you lucky ducks my secrets to wrangling in a man, or woman, or whatever the genital situation is of the one you desire. Possibly an Old Gregg downstairs mix up? I’m not here to judge.

1.Try to be as disgusting as possible all in one shot to get it out of the way

This photo of me eating a burrito stuffed into a cheeseburger doesn’t even crack the Top 10 grossest things I’ve done. TAKE NOTE

You know that saying “if you love something, let it go, and if it comes back it was meant to be?” well this saying is more “if you love someone, fart in their presence before date 5  and if they laugh, it was meant to be” Seriously. I know girls that have NEVER farted in front of their boyfriends. That seems very stressful on both psyche and colon.  I really dislike the whole “eww girls farts are gross” It is extremely true, but they are also very hilarious.

This theory extends way beyond the realm of just farting. This also includes the always poopular (typo, and I am leaving it!!) “seductive sloppy drunk” When Matt and I first started dating I once got so corked that I stepped in mud on the way back to his house and decided to hose my shoes off in the shower, while I was still wearing them. As I struggled to keep myself upright by leaning against the shower I looked over at him and said “hey..hey…wanna do it?” He most certainly did not want to do it and closed the bathroom door on me Godfather style. He didn’t dump me however, and I feel I really got a relationship milestone out-of-the-way. That’s another problem with society (mannnn) they are demanding we celebrate all the wrong milestones in relationships.

You should celebrate the first time you drunk vom while crying in front of your significant other, the first time you have a gross cold and lay on the couch watching Ren and Stimpy on Netflix for 5 days, and the first time you both bond over laughing at a stranger getting injured. These are all very important dates and should be celebrated as such!

2. Get your own life

Haha! jokes are hard to write sometimes.

I understand there is a window of time when you’re first dating someone and want to spend every waking moment with them because “aww I love the way they cut the crusts off their sandwich” hasn’t turned to “why can’t you eat a sandwich like a normal human being??” yet.  I get that. There was once a time when I was like that. Then 2 years passed. Then 7. And here we are. I firmly believe the secret to our success is completely ignoring each other for huge chunks of time.

I highly recommend this. I mean, still hang out with your main bitch, but make time for your other bitches. And by that I mean your friends (or enemies if you’re doing that keep your enemies close thing) It’s a good way to be your own person and not just become someones boyfriend or girlfriend. Plus if things go south you will still have tons of drinking buddies left. So unless you and your partner are pulling a Pierre and Marie Curie and trying to discover various elements, go hang out with someone else. It’s much healthier for your relationship and you probably won’t get radiation poisoning that way. (ITS A WIN WIN!)

3.  Pick your battles

The tragic battle of “What do you mean you’re not coming to my cousins wedding?!”

Seriously. My mom gave me this advice and she’s been married for almost 30 years, so it must carry some weight. Don’t lose your shit over every little thing. Pick one thing and flip out over that and forget the rest. There are several annoying things that Matt does, namely leave the toenail clippers in the shower so they get all rusty. I let that slide. But if he comes home at 430 in the morning covered in a strangers blood, I will probably voice my concern. The point is, if you lose it over every little annoyance then you will start feeling like a real asshole and your significant other will also think you’re a dickhead. Chances are if they’re doing something that annoys you, you’re doing something that annoys them.

4. Embrace each others flaws

Except you Beyonce, you are flawless.

Matt has to listen to me discuss the following things on an almost weekly basis:

-X Files

-Stupid people I had to deal with that day

-Whatever actor I am currently having a passionate love affair with (including, but not limited to, Viggofest 2012, Rennerthon 2013, and most recently Reeduspalooza)

-Whatever videogame I’m currently playing

-His personal favorite: “Rigby trying to describe a Gif she saw on Tumblr”

He does not care about any of these things. He listens though, and one time when he was really drunk he got super mad when I told him that Jeremy Renner was on a list of the years ugliest men  (“He’s not a fucking monster! he looks good and he has a great haircut!!”) I appreciate that he only slightly rolls his eyes when I start crying laughing at a picture of a cat looking excited at a piece of ravioli. In appreciation of this act, I watch hours upon hours of mountain biking videos despite having a very loose grasp on the sport itself. I also go to mountain bike movie premieres but usually only for the drinks.

The cat in question

5. Find a straight man to your wildcard, or vice versa.

WILD CARD BITCHES

I honestly think this is the key to a successful relationship. Are you a jackass who constantly does jackassery things and insists on building a pillow fort despite being an adult? congrats, you are the wildcard. Do you make sure your significant other doesn’t  leave the keys in the door and insist on paying the bills on time? congrats, you are the straightman. The perfect relationship is when a straight man and a wildcard find each other.

You know what you get with two Wildcards? Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty. You’re both insane, constantly fight, break up and get back together on a monthly basis, and everyone hates being around you.

You know what you get with two straight men? Gap models/White people in general. You’re both boring as hell, never do anything fun, and everyone hates being around you.

The key is a healthy mix between the two. Think about it. All great relationships have this. Scully and Mulder, C3P0 and R2-D2, Thor and Natalie Portman, My mom and dad (my dad disapprovingly shook his head while my mom and I smoked a J on the patio at her 60th birthday party)

So I hope these tips are helpful to you! and the most important tip of all is this: if they can’t take a joke, fuck ‘em.

This post is an excuse to talk about the Walking Dead (I apologize for nothing!)

I, much like the rest of the world, am currently having a passionate love affair with The Walking Dead. If you aren’t watching this show what is wrong with you? I will admit that season 2 really dragged with that never ending search for Sophie. I was over it like 20 minutes after she went missing because I refuse to feel sad that she died as a result of being an idiot, if a giant horde of zombies walks by wait a few minutes before you reveal your hiding spot! kids these days with their short attention spans.

Anyways the season finale is upon us, and according to the internet at least one major character is going to bite the bullet. So I’ve compiled a list of the current characters and I’m going to determine the survival odds. I’m basing this entirely on the TV show and not the comics, because they’ve really strayed from the comics.So don’t be that guy who is all “ughh she hasn’t even READ the comics” because I have! so you and your hypothetical question can eff right off. 

Obviously this post contains spoilers, so don’t read it if you aren’t caught up on the show ya dingus!

First up is our main man, Rick Grimes:

BABE. Also, last Halloween I almost rear ended someone because I was staring at a guy dressed as Rick walking by.

Pros:

• is handsome
• can shoot a gun very well
• has a healthy interest in stuff and things
• Coined the term “Ricktatorship”
• Hot Cop

Cons:

• Possibly insane(??)
• Was in Love Actually and I hate that movie. I don’t get the hype at all, and his plot was the worst. Ok cool so Kiera Knightly just has to live with the fact that her husbands best friend is in love with her? way to put that on her. You should have kept your mouth shut Rick you stupid idiot.
• has the most unintentionally hilarious reaction to his wifes death (this might actually be a pro because it really brought the laughs)

Rick is the main character of this thing, and I really doubt he will die. That would be a huge shocker and would make zero sense since he’s the glue that holds these grimy survivors together. He’s a little craycray, but really who isn’t?

Survival odds: 100%

 

Next up is my flawless greasy prince, Daryl Dixon:

BING BONG. Fun fact: Norman Reedus was once a Prada model. Unfun fact: he cruelly named his child MINGUS. MINGUS REEDUS.

Pros:

• has a cool leather jacket!!!
• is a greasy superstar
• one time he wore a poncho and it was FABULOUS
• everyone loves him
• is a great shot with a crossbow
• his name is an alliteration (I love those!)

Cons:

• has only one shirt
• I feel like he might not know how to read
• he rides a motorcycle (cool in theory, but its super loud and I feel like a zombie could just grab him right off of it)
• somehow finds Carol attractive(????)
• one time he fell down a ravine and hit his head and then made a necklace out of zombie ears. that was super weird Daryl.
• looks like he brushes his hair with a pork chop

Daryl is EVERYONES favorite character. There is no way they’re going to kill him off. He was supposed to just be a guest shot but since the entire world fell in love with his squinty rat face they decided to make him a cast regular. I am hoping that he doesn’t die but I’m also praying to the various gods that he doesn’t hook up with Carol. THEIR COUPLE NAME WOULD BE DAROL…OR CARYL. NO.

Survival Odds: 100%

And then a new addition to the team, Michonne:

SO COOL

Pros:

• is super hot
• has a great poker face
• knows her way around a sword
• looks great in a cape
• has excellent taste in papermache cats
• told Carl he was being a little dingus

Cons:

• seems to have a soft spot for Andrea and her constant jackassery
• not a great conversationalist

 

I love Michonne. I’m super bummed that the writers have kind of squandered her character and relegated her to standing off the side looking angry. She did stab the governor in the eye which I LOVED. The governor is still pretty pressed about that whole thing despite that eyepatch shooting his attractiveness level through the roof. So he wants Rick to hand over Michonne so I guess he can poke out her eye? I doubt Rick will do it though, but you never know. She has been getting more lines lately which can either mean she’s about to die or that she’s going to be crucial to the finale.

Survival odds: 80%

The worst one now that Lori is dead, Carol

CLOSE ENOUGH.

Pros:

• makes everyone look better by comparison
• ????

Cons:

• all around sucks
• is like 100 years old
• wtf is up with that haircut
• oh snap
• She gave up looking for her kid super quickly and made everyone else do it
• You’ve got a kid, you’ve got to think you’ve got a responsibility  You don’t look for an hour and give up and sit on the porch like a goon. You get your ass out there, and you find that fucking kid!

I cannot stand Carol. She brings absolutely nothing to the table except fretting. She’s dead weight. I guess shes kind of OK with a gun? but other than that, she’s terrible. She tries to be sassy but I’m not buying it!!! I am not here for Carol and her antics! The only good thing that might come out of her, is a sex scene between her and Daryl, but then I’ll have to tape a picture of myself to the screen over Carol so my lady boner isn’t totally killed by her and her stupid haircut. You guys can do that too if you want, I’ll supply the photo. 

Survival odds: 70% (though I wish it were 0%)

The hugest pain in everyones ass, Andrea

For the last time Andrea, you are not pulling off that cowboy hat. TAKE IT OFF.

Pros:

• actually pretty bad ass when she’s not being an idiot
• is a good shot
• once killed a zombie with a pocket knife
• that’s pretty cool

Cons:

• got dickmatized
• not a great judge of character
• slept with Shane
• god I hated Shane
• for some reason told the governor that not only did Rick have a baby, but that the baby might not be his
• Seriously Andrea, shut up for like 2 seconds

In Andrea’s defense, you know if you were on the run from zombies for the better part of a year and then some dude let you stay in his sweet mansion in his safe neighbourhood AND let you hit it, you would stay. I know you all would and I know I would. So I’m going to let that slide. But the governor is clearly evil and one would think you would cut and run as soon as you found out your boyfriend had a room full of heads in tanks. That shit aint cute!! I have a feeling she might die in some sort of last ditch valiant effort to redeem her character, because right now she is just the worst.

Survival odds: 50%

Americas sweetheart, Glenn

Aww Glen ya little cutie, I’m even going to resist making a Shortround joke. Love ya!

Pros:

• is adorable
• Everyone loves him!
• extremely useful
• stepped in as leader when Rick went bonkers
• once killed a zombie with a chair leg
• good at math ???
• that’s racist
• Sorry

Cons:

• has a girlfriend
• kinda short??
• shouts a lot
• keep it down, Glen!

Glen is pretty solid. He’s a pretty important part of the group, and helps go for supply runs and fortify the jail. Because of this, I’m worried they might kill him just to have a shocking season finale. That would blow. Glen is adorable. I hope he lives, because there are a bajillion people who should die instead of him. I’m looking in your direction Carol.

Survival odds: 75%

Glens better half, Maggie

HOLY SHIT! I think I’m in love

Pros:

• actually pretty great
• let the governor feel her up so he wouldn’t kill her boyfriend (good looking out)
• is a great shot
• cool as a cucumber

Cons:

• used to be Bela on Supernatural and I’m still holding a grudge
• Bela was the WORST
• that’s about it, Maggie’s pretty great

Maggie’s alright, I’ve got nothing against her. though if she died it would give Glen a chance to yell NOOOOO to the sky while holding her dead body. Can the writers resist such a great opportunity?

Survival odds: 60%

…and the rest.

Hershel

Merry Christmas!

Pros:

• is Santa?
• has a little ponytail
• has medical training

Cons:

• Old as heck!
• missing a leg

Hershel is super expendable. He’s old, he’s disabled, and if he died everyone would be like awww that sucks, but then get over it quickly. I would be alright with him dying.

Survival odds:10%

Beth

Oh boy, I bet this was a riveting scene.

Pros:

• ????
• looks after the baby I guess?

Cons:

• trying too hard to be Luna Lovegood
• boring
• Always ends episodes by singing depressing songs
• I thought her name was Becky for the majority of this season

I had to Google what this characters name is if that gives you any indication of her popularity. She could die off screen and it would probably take a few episodes for anyone to notice

Survival odds: 5%

Judith

You all know what a baby looks like, here’s that poncho I was talking about earlier

Pros:

• come back to me

Cons:

• is a baby
• noisy
• brings nothing to the table
• has a terrible name

If I was in this situation, I would have thrown that baby over the fence weeks ago. But TV shows shy away from killing infants, so survival odds are high.

Survival odds: 90%

Carl

duhhhhhhhh

Pros:

• umm
• knows how to shoot
• killed Lori
• she was BRUTAL
• Lady MacBeth of the zombie apocalpyse

Cons:

• is a little shit
• somehow his head is the same size of a grown mans head
• how is Ricks sheriff hat not falling off?
• we should keep an eye on this head size situation

I could take or leave this little brat but Rick seems to have some sort of attachment to him so whatever I guess. I doubt they’ll kill him, but I’d be alright either way

Survival odds: 85%

Merle

GROSS

Pros:

• has a sweet knife arm

Cons:

• racist
• ugly
• ripped his brothers only shirt(!!!)
• I guess used to beat Daryl? or just didn’t do anything when their parents beat him
• what a great big brother
• wow.

Merle is awful. Cut this turd loose. 

Survival odds: 20%

I’m not even going to bother rating The Governor and that little Dilbert looking loser Milton (seriously writers, you named a wormy character Milton? come on!) because one or both of them are clearly going to die. 

So hopefully my predications are right! though I guess the writers could really throw us for a loop and have the whole thing be the figment of someones imagination, or even worse go the Sopranos route and just end midsc

Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters, or; what happens when screenwriters do blow off a book of childrens fables.

So this obviously happened. I don’t feel I need to explain myself. I love bad movies, I love stupid movies and I’ve been on a real Jeremy Renner kick, so it made sense. My friend Rachel was on board because she also loves bad movies, and she is in love with grumpy cat, so Renner being Grumpy Cat personified really sealed the deal for her. So we went to see it and we loved every minute of it. It was super fun, it didn’t take itself too seriously and it wasn’t 14 days long like the majority of movies being released lately.

Y’all (I’m so sorry for saying that) know the Hansel and Gretel story right? Parents abandon kids in the woods (good for them) and they get kidnapped by the witch in the candy house and then escape by kicking her into the oven. But what happened AFTER??? Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters is here to tell you. SPOILER ALERT: The answer is wear leather and shoot witches in the face. Also, Hansels gun looks a lot like a weiner.

Seriously. Were the veins really necessary?

So the movie begins when they’re all grown up, Hansel is looking approximately 25 years older than his sister but whatever, we’ll overlook that. The siblings roll up on a town where some dicks are about to burn a witch because they think she’s responsible for a bunch of children going missing. Hansel jabs his fingers in the chicks various head holes and declares she’s not a witch but they are here to find the witch responsible. The sheriff is of course suspicious of them because we need one of those characters in this movie.

Later that day Hansel and Gretel beat the shit out of a witch they find in the woods, but also get the shit kicked out of them. Seriously, they are not very good witch hunters. roughly 80% of this movies dialogue is Jeremy Renner oofing and groaning after getting kicked in the face. At least they’re spending time together,  I always like seeing siblings getting along together.

 

BONDING!

The only advantage they have going for them is that witches magic doesn’t work on them. They didn’t apparently think to look more into this, but obviously this comes up later.  They go to a local pub where the very first documented case of a fanboy might have occured when this kid runs over and starts jizzing himself over how great they are and how he wants to be a witch hunter too.

After killing that witch they find a bunch of scrolls in her shack with lunar cycles and references to the 12th moon on them. Hansel declares that he thinks the kids missing and the 12th moon deal are related somehow. YOU FUCKING THINK HANSEL?? Hansel is hands-down the dumbest character in the entire movie. Gretel is clearly the brains of this operation. Oh and while they’re discussing this with the mayor a weird steampunk wristwatch Hansel is wearing dings and he injects himself in the leg with a syringe. Turns out that after stuffing his face with candy in that witches house, Hansel developed diabetes and needs to inject himself with insulin. I’m 600% serious. This is an actual subplot in the movie. I’m not entirely sure that’s how diabetes works but sure why not.

The doohickey in question. Disregard the MSPaint heart, that was for umm research.

The following scene I’m going to describe didn’t really push the plot forward but I feel I need to include it. Later that night, Gretel is sleeping and she has a nightmare about their parents abandoning them. She rolls over and the camera pans down to reveal that Hansel is sleeping on the floor. No blanket, and using a boot as a pillow. She wakes him up to tell him about the nightmare and he’s all “guhh I’m tired, I’m not sleeping well because I’m using a goddamn boot for a pillow. I don’t want to talk about our deadbeat (literally) parents, go to sleep” He then ROLLS UNDER THE BED and falls asleep. This scene is notable for several reasons. Why is Hansel sleeping on the floor? Is there only 1 extra bed available in this entire town? If he just likes sleeping on the floor, why didn’t someone give him a blanket and a pillow? If you’re going to make a bed that’s tall enough so a man can sleep under it, why not just go for the gusto and make that shit into a bunkbed? GOD. Also Gretel, you couldn’t help  a brother out and sleep head to toe or do the old over under? You bitch.

Anyways after what I’m sure was a great sleep, Hansel is buying various shit at the market when that girl they saved from being burned shows up and she’s all “You’re handsome, what up” and he’s like “hold my pumpkin” (seriously) because his watch dinged and he needs to inject himself with insulin or he will have a diabetes attack. He literally falls down on some steps, then injects himself and he’s instantly better. I am almost postive that’s not how diabetes works. The chick, Mina, is all oh bro, you got the beetus. He takes his pumpkin and the scene ends.

BEETUS ATTACK

Meanwhile a witch with a haircut that looks suspiciously like it’s from 1992 hears a kid crying in the woods and comes across a very obvious dummy sitting on a log. oooh Hansel totally made a decoy kid out of that pumpkin and a vitrola nearby is playing a recording of a crying kid (question: where did they get that recording from) They all fight and after Hansel gets smashed in the face with a rock and a huge stick, and Gretel gets kicked several times in the ribs, they somehow capture the witch.The two of them interrogate her back in the town, and Hansel asks approximately 2 questions and then gives up. He’s seriously super shitty at everything he does.

A for Effort Hansel!

Gretel doesn’t give up so easily because someone needs to move this plot along, and she manages to discover the witches are planning a ceremony that would require 12 children and the end result is that fire wouldn’t burn the witches, and that would make Hansel and Gretels job a bajillion times harder so they decide to stop it. Hansel goes to save the last kid they need for the ritual, while his sister stays behind to guard the witch. Hansel arrives too late (you loser) and sees the kid getting towed away in a cart by a troll. Hansel yells “HEY!” at the troll and then stares at it for a few seconds before getting kicked in the side by a witch and falling over. Hansel. Get your shit together guy. Hansel fights with the witch for awhile and then stupidly grabs onto its broomstick as it flies away and takes him with it.

Meanwhile, Gretel is tusslin’ with the main witch who you might remember as Jean Grey from the X Men movies. According to Wiki, her characters name is Muriel so uhh there’s that. Muriel is all “I’m not going to kill you because there’s something I need from you” but then  she got shot by a minor character and Gretel fell out a window and into the creepy arms of that fanboy from earlier. The next day, Gretel and the fanboy, Ben, shoot the shit about witches for awhile until Gretels like well fuck, I better go find that jackass brother of mine .

Smashcut to: Hansel hanging upside down in a tree because COMEDY!!! but he falls out because HE’S TERRIBLE!!! and Mina just happens to be there and she’s all I’ll clean your wound wink wink. She somehow convinces him to take his shirt off so she can “clean his wounds so he doesn’t get the fever” but he had like a minor cut above his eyebrow and zero injuries on his chest. That chick has game, I will give her that. They then bang in a pond after Hansel tells a RIVETING story about a frog.

While Hansel is plowing this random, Gretel is wandering around looking for him. Instead she finds the sheriff and his merry band of goons who proceed to kick the crap out of her. But that troll from earlier is watching from the woods and he’s PISSED OFF ABOUT IT! So he stomps in all their heads and carries Gretel into the woods. I chose this time to go pee because I was concerned I might miss a Renner sex scene. When I returned, Rachel said all I missed was that the troll said he didn’t hurt Gretel because “Troll don’t hurt Witches” she originally thought he said “Bitches” and we actually weren’t sure of which one it was until the end. Also, the Trolls name is Edward. This movie was seriously so fucking amazing you guys.

which is it Ed? Witches? Bitches? better keep your story straight.

Meanwhile, Hansel is wandering around and stumbles upon a cabin. He opens the door and immediately gets tackled by someone, and falls through the floor into a cave under the cabin. Hansel, seriously. Sweep the room. SWEEP. It turns out to be Gretel and they’re both super stoked to see each other and then touch each others faces for an uncomfortably long time for siblings to touch each others faces. Hansel also busts out AN AMAZING GRUMP FACE when his sister tells him about how she got the shit kicked out of her. They crawl out of the hole and Hansel is all Oh shit! this is our old house! here’s my old bed! (They don’t discuss whether or not he slept under it, but I assume he did) after remincing for awhile, Muriel busts in and she’s all “Hey jerks, guess what? your mom was a white witch! Let’s roll the tape on that”

A flashback reveals that their mom was indeed a white witch and Muriel needs the heart of white witch to complete this spell on the blood moon. She spread a rumour that their mom was a witch and the townsfolk burned her while their dad was hiding them in the woods, and then they hung him when he got back, so he never got a chance to come back and save them. So now Muriel needs Gretels heart to complete the spell because she’s a white witch. I have no idea what the fuck Hansel is. I guess a warlock? I don’t know and no one asked. Muriel then shanks the shit out of Hansel and kidnaps Gretel. Good looking out Hansel.

 

Hansel wakes up sometime later in the cabin being cared for by Mina. His shankwound has healed completely and he has a mini freakout when Mina explains that she’s a white witch. He seriously cannot wrap his head around the existence of a white witch, despite the fact it was revealed to him earlier that both his mother and sister are white witches. Good lord Hansel. As a side note: I think Jeremy Renner was at least mildly intoxicated throughout the filming of this movie.

Hansel, Mina and Ben team up and Mina blesses their arensel of weapons so that they’ll destroy the witches. Sure, why not. They head to where the ceremony is taking place and Hansel shoots the shit out of a fuckload of witches while Mina uses a gatlin gun (I’m serious) to help. He cuts Gretel loose, and sets all the kids free. Muriels pissed because they screwed up her ritual and she flies away on her broomstick. But despite that, solid job guys.

The gang finds Muriel and wouldn’t you know it! it’s at the same delicious candy house from when they were kids! What are the odds. Talk about a case of the Mondays. After  TWO TIME ACADEMY AWARD NOMINEE Jeremy Renner delivers the line “Don’t eat the fucking candy” and part of his soul dies, they start fighting with Muriel and Mina gets stabbed and dies in Hansels arms. He then SOMERSAULTS IN GRIEF into the candy house and gets smashed in the face by Muriel. Gretel runs in and they start fighting with her and have her hanging by a chain but just as Hansel is choking the shit out of her, his wristwatch starts beeping. What a bad time for a subplot illness to pop up! Jeez! He starts getting all whoozy and realizes the witch kicked his insulin out of arms reach. He then faints (pussy) but his sister injects him with his insulin (yay!) and he’s instantly fine (wha?) then they cut the witches head off with a shovel and  blow up the house. THE END.

FUCK YEAH EXPLOSIONS

In the epilogue, the siblings have now teamed up with Ben and Edward the troll and they all go around killing witches. I feel like with the inclusion of a gigantic troll, Hansel is no longer required because the troll is probably 100% stronger than Hansel, and at least 20% smarter. Rachel also mentioned that if anything Hansel was worth negative points because of his diabetes. Sorry bro.

I’m watching the new Spiderman movie and live blogging it (for some reason)

PROLOGUE:

I wrote this quite awhile ago and debated releasing it or not because I was EXTREMELY drunk when I wrote it. Not like ha ha drunk but like oh my god drunk. I re read it and felt a mixture of pride and shame. It was a real scene but it made me laugh a few times. This article is like my secret attic family, and I decided to let you guys in on it. Please don’t judge too harshly, and keep in mind I drank 2 bottles of wine while writing it.

Oh boy.

 

Now, for your consideration:

Whats up nerds? So I feel like I should explain myself and the choices that brought me here. I decided (at the suggestion of my lifemate Jenna) to live blog a movie for you guys. So essentially I just watch the movie and write about it as it goes. Solid idea right? Right. I figured I should watch a movie I’ve never seen before, but that was fairly recent/well known so people would get what it was about without me rehashing the plot.

I chose the new Spiderman movie. May God have mercy on us all. You guys, I assume, know the basics of the Spiderman canon, so let’s get this show on the road!

I was going to put the movie poster but this is clearly much better

Ok it’s really hard to balance a glass of wine on your laptop while you’re writing

Opening credits are made of web. Shocking.

Ok this is interesting because it’s showing Peter Parkers dad and he apparently loved bugs/was some sort of bug…professor? He had a chalkboard with some important looking evidence on it. He has some secret and he’s flipping out because someone trashed his office

Peters dad is dropping Peter off with Aunt May and Uncle Ben

WHAT THE FUCK SALLY FIELD IS AUNT MAY?? SHES LIKE 50?

fuck spilled my wine

Now Peter is a scruffy teen and no one likes him. He skateboards. He’s ALTERNATIVE AND QUIRKY. He’s like the Zooey Deschanel of this school. I think I spelled her last name right without looking it up and that’s upsetting.

Oh fuck I forgot they put the whole Gwen Stacy plotline in this instead of Mary Jane. Gwen Stacy gets chucked off a bridge and dies in the comics just fyi.

A SHEEN IS UNCLE BEN. Martin?Is he the one married to Catherine Zeta Jones?

 

Wait, he’s the president too?

He found a mysterious briefcase that made Uncle Ben and Aunt May shut the fuck up for two seconds when he brought it to them. His dad apparently worked for Oscorp. I’m guessing this is important because of the expository flashbacks happening.

SECREEEEEET BRIEFCASE COMPARTMENT YOU CAN PUT YOUR WEED IN!!!

Or top secret files as seems to be the case.

Peter’s researching and there’s a lot of different headlines coming up on the screen. I’m confused, did his dad die or just abandon him with Sally and the Sheen? I hope they explain it. Anyways, Peter lied his way into an internship or something into Oscorp?

 

Gwen Stacy is there too. What are the odds?? two movie characters in a building at the same time!! She’s wearing fucking knee high socks to her interning job. You idiot!

Oh fuck! Lizard is the villian of this thing I’m guessing since they just introduced that one armed professor. I wish I was watching the Spiderman cartoon instead. Remember Kraven? Fuck yeah!

Science Jargon.

There is  A LOT of dramatic stings and sneaking around. I’m sure I would be more stressed out if I gave a shit.

Ok what? I looked away (to get wine) and Peter must have gotten bit by the spider. He’s doing awkward Spiderman schtick on a train, so I guess this is what I’m doing with my life. ha ha ha. He ripped a girls shirt off with his sticky hands. Oh boy! is this a movie! What the fuck was so wrong with Tobey Maguire? Spiderman  1 and 2 were really good you guys. This movie wasn’t meant to be. But it was made and now here I am, watching it at 1130 at night on a sunday, alone, with a bottle of wine. The last 20 minutes of the movie have been dedicated to bits where Peter gets stuff stuck to his hands. I DONT WANT TO LIVE.

BING. NO ONE USES BING. STOP BINGING PETER. BING. BINNNNNNNNNNNNG.

The only Bing my heart has room for

Sidenote: I just said “Bing is a great search engine…FOR ME TO POOP ON” out loud. I’m also alone in my house. SEnd help.

Ha ha ha! he got the keyboards stuck to his hands because he’s a spider you see. I wrote keyboards and not keyboard keys. I’m not well. This wine is great though.

Ol’ One arm used to work with Peters dad, and something something spiders. They were spider guys who did spider experiments.

When the hell is Uncle Ben going to die? get this shit over with already! we all know it’s coming, just pull the trigger!

Oh thank god that’s over. See you in hell whatever Sheen you are!

Full Disclosure: I cried in the first Spiderman when Uncle Ben died.

I KNOW THAT FEEL TOBEY!

I always wondered how superheros make their suit. In both this one and the OG Spiderman movie it showed them sketching out suit ideas, but never how they made it. Did they commission someone on Etsy?

DENIS LEARY IS IN THIS? Where the fuck is J Jonah Jamieson and his amazing haircut? fuck The Amazing Spiderman! more like The Terrible Spiderman amiright?? wine.

If there’s an underlining plot developing I either missed it completely or just do not give a single shit about it.

This Spiderman is way too smug for my taste. Smugness is awful.

FUCK HE JUST SAID “WATCH IT, I’M SWINGIN HERE!” A LA PACINO. I AM 2000% DONE.

I spilled wine EVERYWHERE.

Peter has a million angst count and Gwen Stacy finds it irresistible. She wants the D.

If you had a choice between no arm, a lizard arm or a baby arm which would you choose? I think lizard arm is a bad choice because it seems to be making this dude cray cray. There’s a girl who used to work at the McDonalds by my house with a baby arm and it was always super awkward when she was working the drive thru and you had to like, lean at a complete right angle to get you within reach of her tiny creepy arm. It was like that creepy baby thing that was in that dudes stomach in Total Recall, like its arm on a full grown woman.Anyways, this movie is DRAGGING.

“Quaid would you like fries with that? also, open your mind”

Whoa what? Matt just got home from drinking at a friends and he won’t stop talking about this curry he bought earlier and how good it is, and now Peter and Gwen are making out on a roof and she knows he’s Spiderman. That did not take long.

Lizard tried to kill some people on a bridge with his power of shoddy looking CGI. But it did give Spiderman the chance to save a child from a burning car. AMERICA.

Matt’s demanding I try this curry.

The curry was pretty good.

Dr Connors (Lizard) keeps talking to Peter for some reason and I feel like there’s something going on between the two that I’m missing, or as I mentioned earlier simply do not care about. Maybe it’s sexual tension? Peter thinks he’s evil, but I think he just misses his arm and he’s like “an arm that turns me into a crazy lizard is better than no arm at all” I feel him. Keep fighting that fight dawg ( I don’t know why I typed that sentence)

ok what.  Spiderman is staking out Lizards little underground lair and now  they’re fighting. But Lizard looks janky as fuck. Like CW show levels of janky.

From the “Rejected Resident Evil final boss files”

 

Anyways, Lizard knows Spiderman is Peter now because Peter accidently left his camera at the scene of the crime and he put a fucking label on it that says PROPERTY OF PETER PARKER. First of all, who the fuck uses label makers still? especially if you’re going to be carrying it around while dressed as a costumed vigilante?? Has he learned nothing from that episode of the Simpsons when Bart pretended he was stuck down that well? Bullshit.

oh my god there is still 40 minutes left in this thing.

Lizard is chucking Peter around the school. I’ll be honest with you guys, I have no idea how they got to this scene because I’ve been browsing Twitter in another tab. This movie has no momentum, it’s just one scene and then another. There’s no definable 1st, 2nd and 3rd acts. I could be in the 3rd act and I have no way of knowing.

Everyone on the fucking Internet was jizzing themselves over this! This movie is tres estupido and I realize I just mixed France (French?) and Spanish but thats just how angry I am! this movie is dumb in three different languages!!

I do not give a single fuck about anything or anyone in this movie. Lizard is gassing people with weird lizard gas and I do not care at all. However: Spidermans bum looks great. He got arrested, for having a butt that should be illegal!! (ha ha ha! I’m drunk gyou guys)

I want the booty. Give me the booty.

NM! he escaped! oh wait, officer Leary is on the case and he’s like WHAAAAA PARKER???? but he let him go because that’s how Leary rolls AND YOU WILL DEAL. I hope this is still funny when I’m sober tomorrow and proofread this mess.

I hate this movie and everyone involved in the making of it.

Lizard kidnapped Gwen Stacy because as a female in a superhero movie, this plot device needed to happen.

END. END. END. WHY WONT YOU END.

spiderman is either trying to blow up something or stop something from blowing up.

Denis Leary is dead. Just like my hopes and dreams.

I fell asleep and the movies over. No idea how it ended but it did, that’s the important thing.

 

So there we have it. This blog was a real wake up call for me. It was horribly misspelled, made little to no sense and was a rambling mess fuelled by wine. I need to rethink some major principles in my life.

Twilight: Breaking Dawn part 2: Electric Boogaloo: Search for Skull Island: Legend of Curlys Gold

So it’s finally here. The end of an era. I’ve had some good drunken times with this awful franchise, and I’ve also learned a lot. I’ve been trying to be more useless and bland in my relationships, but my personality keeps getting in the way. Maybe someday I can be as desirable as Bella. I’ve also been trying to get my boyfriend to act more protective of me and treat me like a toddler, but he keeps respecting my decisions and not resisting when I leave the house. GRRR!!

Now that this movie series is complete I am 100% certain that every single person in this story would be better off if Bella was either dead or just didn’t exist to begin with. Think about it.

When we last saw our valiant heroes, Bella was transformed into a vampire, Jacob was creeping on her baby and Edward was looking vaguely like he had to fart. At the opening of this movie, a newly transformed Bella is hunting with Edward in the woods. It’s all going pretty swell until Bella almost eats a hiker. Bloodlust is fun!

Once they get back to their house, Jacob comes out and he’s all “sup bro, I’m in love with your baby” This is weird for several reasons and I need to explain further. Jacob has “imprinted” on her baby thus becoming hopelessly in love with her, they try really hard to explain that because it’s just a baby it’s not a romantic thing, it’s just like a friends thing. It’s still awful. And another thing, does this poorly named child, Renesmee, have any say in it? what if she doesn’t want to date this obviously gay werewolf? As a woman in the Twilight universe her opinion doesn’t matter as every single female character in this thing is just a placeholder for whoever is reading/watching it to pretend it’s themselves in order for them to live out some weird gay werewolf fantasy.

Also, the baby is oddly completely digital. Why is this? there’s millions of babies! I saw 4 of them today already. Just grab a baby off the street for god sake. It’s very distracting.

I hope one day I can give birth to a bundle of pixels.

Anyways, Bella is not too keen on her baby being oogled by Jacob but she has no say in the matter because she’s a girl, and she just kinda gets over it within a few scenes.  Edward and Bella move into a little cottage that is disgustingly twee, and of course it has already been decorated entirely without Bella having any input because ovaries.

Things are horribly boring for awhile until a delightful scene where Jacob tries to show Mustache Dad (who is the real star of this thing, let’s be real) that he’s a werewolf and he does so by getting naked in the woods before turning into a wolf. Sidenote: after turning into the wolf he kinda snarls at Mustache Dad for awhile, which seems counterproductive if you just turned into a gigantic dog and are trying to calm someone. Mustache Dad demands to go see Bella (for some reason) and the vampires give her some pep talks to act like a human that include blinking every few seconds, slouching and pretending to breathe. I assume these are the same notes Kristen Stewarts acting coach gave her. ZING!!

A few drinks later (because clearly I was wasted at this thing) actual events started to occur when the super fruity vampires in Italy think that Bella and Edward’s digital child is a kid they turned into a vampire, which is apparently not cool. Seems pretty cool to me but whatever.

Edwards sister has one of her conveniently timed premonitions that tells her the fruity vampire army is coming to kill everyone. I’m game. So they start going to various parts of the country to round up vampires to fight the other vampires. Again, I’m game! Also, because there’s so many new vampires kickin’ around, it’s apparently activating the dormant werewolf gene that all Native Americans possess (It’s called science) thus causing kids to become werewolfs. So thanks for that Bella, now a bunch of 12 year olds are transformed into monsters who have to fight vampires so your stupid kid doesn’t get her head kicked off or whatever. Bella is the worst.

First on the docket of vampires who get rounded up is my main man Lee Pace, who is looking unfortunate as some sort of smarmy vampire who dresses like Stevie Nicks. It’s not great, but as I have said before: you can’t blame a bitch for trying to make a buck. He instantly wins the affections of the audience by killing a passerby while Edwards no necked brother and his sister with the bad wig look on.

Just like the white winged dove sings a song sounds like she’s singing oooh oooh oooh

More importantly though, my other main man Janderson is in this thing! unfortunately he is looking extra sleepy and decided to go with the line reading choice of using his normal British accent but then putting marbles in his mouth and mumbling around them in a vaguely Southern accent. I didn’t understand half of the things that were coming out of his mouth and I’m only blaming it 40% on the fact that I had poured a mickey into a thing of Sprite. He mumbled incoherantly about something and then went and hung out in their attic for the rest of the movie. Get that cheque Janderson!

JOSEPH YOU NEED TO LOOK AT YOUR LIFE AND LOOK AT YOUR CHOICES

There’s also some super aryan looking fucks, and a couple of Irish vampires thrown in for good measure. They seriously throw about 14 new characters into the movie in rapid, confusing succession. But the creme de le creme is a couple of vampires that look like they are the love child of Edgar Winter and Yakov Smirnoff. I think one was named Vladamir but I can’t be certain. Oh and please be aware that this movie featured this creepy looking dude.

oh my god. look at that creepy little mouth with it’s little smile. It’s so offputting.

After several somehow boring training montages, I was starting to check out because I felt like it was in hour 4 and nothing had really happened. Edwards sister Alice and her boyfriend who inexplicably had an Ellen Degeneres circa 1998 haircut disappeared to do things and after some topnotch investigating by Bella, she discovered that Alice had set up some passports through a man named J. Jenks (I’m serious) for her digital baby and Jacob in case the rest of them get slaughtered. I don’t think that having these fake passports will really stop the redflags that will pop up when an Indian teenager is traveling with a white baby. That’s just the reality in this post 9/11 world.

Ummm what else. oh Mustache dad has a new girlfriend, and he either thinks Renesemee is Edward and Bellas kid, or Edwards niece that they adopted. He also knows Jacobs a werewolf, and might know that the rest of them are vampires? I have no idea. He is not a great cop, let’s be real.

So anyways, the vampires find out that Bella has a super vampire power that is being a shield. She then says “what is that” I then rolled my eyes so hard they almost ejected from my face. They explain to her and anyone who doesn’t understand the meaning of the word shield that her special power allows her to SHIELD herself from other peoples powers, much like a SHIELD.

What is this? some kind of long..metal…plate?

Finally the fruity vampires come on the scene and they’re all wearing Highschool band uniforms. They kinda shoot the shit for a bit in an icy field and this happens:

Ya. I think everyone involved in this franchise is in on a joke that most of the audience is missing. Anyways, after the greatest scene in history ends, a whole bunch of killing happens AND IT WAS FUCKING AWESOME. People were getting their fucking heads ripped off left right and center.

YES

Bella uses her extremely important SHIELD powers for a few seconds and then it’s never mentioned again. More importantly though, Edwards smarmy dad gets his head ripped off and a bunch of wolves get killed. Also, under that crack in the above picture is just straight up molten lava. Twilight never stops teaching us about what true love means and also that the center of the earth is only a few feet under the earths crust. Edward almost falls in the pit of lava and I was so excited that they might actually end this thing in an exciting, fuck you  to the entire fanbase. I was laughing and sloshing booze all over the place. It was a very exciting time to be alive.

Unfortunately, much like my budding rap career, It was not meant to be. Turns out the whole thing was a goddamn vision from Alice and she was showing the head fruity vampire that he would die if they fought. I’m serious. So the last 25 minutes of the movie is the worst, most overused trope in all of film and television history: IT WAS ALL A DREAM. Alice came back into the movie to not only spit in the face of the audience, but to show the fruity vampires that she found a kid just like Renesmee who is the bastard love child of a vampire and a human. They apparently stop aging when they reach the “Age” of 16. I put that in quotations because they just look 16, but they’ve actually only been alive for a few years. Jackpot for Jacob! He gets to bone a chick who looks 16 but actually has the mentality of a 6 year old. Stephanie Meyer, you should seriously seek help.

After the head vampire realizes he’s going to die, he calls off the attack and I assume moves to New York, changes his name to Wesley Snipes and tries to date Liz Lemon.

The rest of the 290 extra characters disperse, Edward and Bella gaze blankly at each other and Renesmee resigns herself to a lifetime of dating Jacob with no say at all in the matter. TRUE LOVE PREVAILS.

That it. The movie ends. And I bet you can clearly see why the last book was broken up into two movies! It didn’t at all have to do with milking the last ounce of cash out of the franchise before the core audience moves on. Not at all!

Well I’m a bit sad that my journey of getting blasted and watching these movies is coming to a close. These things were like a gift from the god of unintentional comedy. I am glad you guys could share this rambling, poorly written adventure with me. I’ll always hold mustache dad in my heart.

God I don’t know what turns me on more: That tall can of Rainier beer, that mustache or that wolf painting. YOU ARE MY EVERYTHING CHARLIE SWAN

Last minute Christmas gift guide

Hey ya hosers, Christmas is right around the corner! If you are anything like me, you bought all your presents a month ago so you can fully enjoy December the way it should be: half drunk and with a cinnamon bun in each hand. In case you weren’t as well prepared as me, I have compiled a list of great (???) gifts for those hard to buy for jerks in your life.

5 Dollar a Day Automated Bank

If you try to put in any currency that isn’t American it self destructs and an American Eagle dies.

Perfect gift for: Abraham Lincoln fetishists, Scrooge McDuck, Someone who doesn’t have a bank account because they’re suspicious of “The Man”

At first I thought this was a bank that was loaded with 5 dollar bills and would give you one every day, that would be pretty sweet. But no, it’s the exact opposite. You’re supposed to put 5 bucks a day in this thing and then I guess smash it with a hammer at the end of the year and get out your 1825 bucks? There are so many things wrong with this. Namely that this is 60 dollars. Think about that for a second. Here’s a better gift idea: a shoe box with 60 bucks inside of it. Good God. The reviews are really great too. This one’s my favorite.

Ummm. Bitch you are completely missing the point of the FIVE DOLLAR A DAY BANK. This bitch has no respect for the rules! just putting random bills in all willy nilly. Anarchists will be the downfall of our society. The second best review is someone complaining that it broke after 27 days. How so? It’s a piece of wood that is hollowed out that you put money in. Unless it caught on fire or disappeared into a wormhole, it’s still able to hold your money.

This horrifying mousepad

I don’t know about you guys, but I think this mousepad is hitting on me.

Perfect gift for: 4Chan users, creeps, people who are really into liking things ironically, registered sex offenders

Obviously this is from Japan. Japan has zero fucks left to give on the weird pervert front. The Prime Minister probably has this thing on his desk. This little ditty is from my favorite weird as hell Japanese website, JList. I’ve written about it before but I can’t look away. It’s like one stop shopping for Hello Kitty shirts, Strawberry Pocky and Buttplugs. I should also mention this thing is 55 bucks, maybe it comes alive at night and gives you weird handjobs? That would change everything. Also, let’s talk about how sad-looking this thing is. There’s also this one

Which is 7 dollars more for some reason? maybe because this one looks more ok with the fact you’re putting your wrist between her legs and your gross mouse on her face. Her eyes say “It’s ok that you haven’t cleaned the gunk off the bottom of your mouse for 9 months. I like it” Also she needs to get her blue ribbon situation under control, what is even going on there?!

Don’t Break the Bottle game

Perfect gift for: Recovering alcoholics, The Jigsaw killer, idiots

What we have here is this stupid contraption you put your booze into and then you have to solve the puzzle before you can get the bottle open. It’s supposed to be a party starter but the only thing this will start is a domestic dispute. If you brought this thing over to my family christmas it would end with everyone screaming at each other and then someone driving to the booze store to get another bottle and we would boo and shun whoever brought that fucking thing in the first place. Drinking is serious business. MOTHAFUCKER YOU THINK THIS IS A GAME??

This creepy dragon earring

“There, now I’m ready for that job interview!”

Perfect gift for: hippies, people who celebrate Summer solstice, Teenaged Goths who mutter “fuck you” to their parents when they pass them in the hallway, a hobbit? 

I’m not even sure of how this thing  straps onto your frigging ear, but it’s a real winner isn’t it? I’m a little disappointed that there’s not a jewel in the dragons eye or that it’s not clutching onto a bitchin’ crystal ball or something.  Actually now that I’m looking at it, this thing doesn’t even have any arms. Is it a snake then? Also, now that I’m staring at it, this girls earhole looks weird.

Anyways, this is a guaranteed conversation starter. The waitress at Denny’s will be super impressed by it as she pours your 9th cup of coffee at 5 in the morning while you discuss Invader Zim with your goth friend Zephyr.

This FOOTSTOOL HAHA!!!

Perfect gift for: Serial killers, people who love puns, someone with a foot fetish, people who wish they lived in The Beasts enchanted castle

Oh boy this is a real eye roller. It’s like a pun you can keep in your living room forever! they should also include muscle cream with this thing since you’re going to throw out your shoulder pretty quickly from frantically elbowing people and then pointing to it while saying GET IT??

I would almost buy one of these just to see the look on the persons face when they open it. Just like how my favorite thing to do is expose people to Sleepaway Camp and just stare at them during the last few minutes to perfectly capture their look of horror. Maybe giving everyone these footstools can be my new thing!

I am glad they put shoes on this because it would somehow be a million times worse if it wasn’t wearing any.

Well there you have it! I hope I was able to help out with your last-minute shopping needs! I’m sure these gifts will be well received and there’s probably only a 42% chance the gift receiver will chase you out of their homes and vow never to speak to you again. Feliz Navidad Y’all!

I’m watching Liz & Dick and liveblogging it (for some reason)

First off: I know nothing about Elizabeth Taylor. Here is what I know about her:

• She was friends with Michael Jackson
• She has her own perfume
• She used to be an actress
• People fucking love her for some reason, though I don’t get the appeal
• Same with Marilyn Monroe. She was not that great you guys!
• I’m getting off track
• I always picture Lucille 2 from Arrested Development whenever someone says her name

That’s it. I do, however, know a lot about Lindsay Lohan. Namely that she’s a mess who deserves to fall into a pit of perpetual unemployment for horrendously fucking up her entire career before the age of 27 and taking absolutely no responsibility for it. So when I heard they were making a Lifetime movie about Elizabeth Taylor that Lindsay was starring in, I felt the same kind of joy I imagine expectant mothers feel.

Especially after I saw this screencap! It’s…so beautiful.

I love a good train wreck, so I thought this movie would both educate me in all things Liz Taylor, and I could laugh at Lindsay Lohan. So I have my pajama pants on and a bottle of wine, so here we go!

Apparently she married some dude named Richard, I’m guessing that’s the titular Dick.

Liz and Dick are wearing all black and getting interviewed in an all black room, so I’m guessing that they’re filming from the afterlife since they’re both young-looking and that’s a really stupid plot device in a really stupid movie.  The music in this is also really generic  sounding background music that would be used in a 90′s movie about an estranged couple whose kid is trying to get them back together with various hijinks.

Richards brother is either named Igor, Eyore, or Ivor.

These two dickheads met on set of Cleopatra, which I know is a movie that exists in time and space. That is the extent of my knowledge.

In the most ironic scene of art imitating life, Liz and Dick are drinking on set. Lindsay cannot act at all. She has fucking lost it and she is looking beat.

anyways, now Liz and Dick are cheating on their respective spouses with each other. Boy is she an icon!

It keeps going back to them talking in this weird all black room. Are they in hell? am I in hell? It keeps flitting back and forth between scenes and I’m not sure where they take place in a timeline. Was this over the course of a month? a year? 2 years? 12 minutes? there’s no way to know. I might have more of an idea if I knew anything about any of these people but I don’t so you will deal.

Liz apparently cheated on her 4th husband and she’s only 29. Why the fuck do people like this woman? she seems like a mess and if she was 29 right now she would be made fun of probably as much as a Kardashian or, ironically enough, Lindsay Lohan. People really need to stop glamourizing old Hollywood because everyone then is just as horrible as everyone now, they just didn’t have Twitter to tell us how awful they were.

Chris, seriously, just go fall down a well or something. The entire world hates you. I want all the bad things in life to happen to you and only you.

Anyways, She told her husband she loved Dick (Hiyo!) and not him while they were in a room full of people, which included Dick. So yea, she’s a top-notch person.

Did you know Italy is 80% green screen? because according to this movie it is. This is some Mac photobooth bullshit.

BOY! AM I IN PARIS!

Ok what? apparently Dicks ex-wife tried to kill herself and he found out via a paparazzi with a terrible French (?) accent who said “Suicide yes? what happened?” I also love to get life shattering news from passerby.

OH WHAT Now Liz is pounding back pills and vodka because Dick called off the affair? maybe?

“Alright Lindsay, we’re ready for you on set”

Now she’s in the hospital

Oh wait, now she’s already out of the hospital?

THEY’RE STILL FILMING CLEOPATRA? WHAT IS HAPPENING. So the start of the affair, Liz’s divorce, Dick’s wife’s attempted suicide, the end of the affair, and Liz’s attempted suicide all happened during the course of a movie being filmed? It’s not like they were filming Lord of the Rings and it took 3 fucking years. Good god! and do you know what happened during the course of the Lord of the Rings filming? Viggo Mortenson adopted 2 horses and everyone got matching tattoos. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER ELIZABETH.

What the fuck is happening? Did they just cobble together a movie with whatever scenes they had with Lindsay acting somewhat coherent? I have been less confused during a Tool music video.

wait…..so Kevin Spacey was Keyzer Soze?

Holy Fuck! Mr. Sheffield is in this!!!

I just spilled wine EVERYWHERE. I’m going full Liz!

Liz and Dick are having an affair again. These people are the worst. She loves the D.

Seriously though, is Dick’s brothers name Igor or Eeyore? or Ivor? I’m going to have to Google it. It’s Ivor. Who names one kid Richard and the other one Ivor? That’s like how the Mulders named one kid Samantha and the other one Fox. What the fuck, either pick two normal names or two crazy names.

Liz is now a full-fledged drunken mess and it’s like 40 minutes in.  They’re getting blasted at like 8 in the morning.

Liz just used the term “shagging him senseless”  oh boy!

Sidenote: I can’t stop eating Stone Wheat Thins.

Shockingly, people don’t want to hang out with these selfish insufferable assholes.

This bellboy is really padding his scene. Kudos to you my good man!

hahahaahah! people are protesting Liz and Dick’s affair and some woman is holding a sign that says “Slut on a hot tin roof” That is solid!

I would love if I had a singular IMDB credit that said “slut protestor- Liz & Dick (2012)”

But they’re married now so I’m picturing that woman sadly folding up that sign while a single tear rolls down her cheek.

The guy playing Dick looks like an off brand Sean Bean. Also: this 9 dollar wine is delicious.

Ok so he pulled Liz on stage with him at his curtain call for the play he was in and everyones losing their mind. I would be pissed off if I was in that play, like what the fuck dude, I didn’t get to pull my basic ass wife on stage so why do you?

So now they hate each other? she keeps whipping bottles at his head and/or various walls. The only thing she loves more than drinking from bottles is throwing bottles.

Oh wait, now they’re making up? this is exhausting. Couples that are always either fighting or making up always try to claim they’re “passionate” but they’re really just psychos who shouldn’t be together.

He’s pissed off that Liz won an Academy Award and he didn’t. Wow, what a supportive husband. He sure is mature and confident! nothing is more attractive than when you boo and hiss your spouses accomplishments.

Eeyore is there to soothe his wounds. Eeyore also has an accent but Dick doesn’t.

Whoa! They have a stable of children, where the fuck did these kids come from?

These clowns are now living on a boat. Captain Ron style.

Sidenote: all my friends are fucking obsessed with Captain Ron for some reason.

She just FREAKED OUT because Dick told her she had pudgy fingers. I feel her pain. I have tiny little pudgy fingers. I can’t play the clarinet because my fingers can’t reach the bottom hole. It’s my burden, and I have learned to accept it.

hahaah oh my god he just bought her the most ridiculous diamond ring ever. If you took a ring pop and dipped it in gold and rolled it in diamonds it would still be less gaudy than this thing.

Ok now they’re in Switzerland for Christmas. They are going to pull an MC Hammer and go broke!

OH NO! Eeyore ate shit and fell down the stairs!

OH BOY! he’s paralyzed now. That escalated quickly.

Ok now they’re back on the boat. This movie is giving me fucking whiplash.

Lindsay keeps lapping in and out of a British accent. It’s really bad.

I’m laughing uncontrollably at this scene of them yelling at each other on a boat. I mean hahahah, good lord. Everyone who made this should feel bad.

This could also be a still from a movie about Natalie Wood. Too soon?

Oh no! bad news again for Eeyore!

hahah what? he died! how? just by being paralyzed? hopefully they will explain.

They didn’t explain.

Dick is pretty sad Igor is dead.

He is expressing this sadness by cheating on Liz. Seems legit.

Now they’re divorced.

Oh no! Liz has colon cancer.

Oh wait, Nevermind. She doesn’t.

Aaaaand they’re married again.

WHO EDITED THIS? I’ve seen Frosted Flakes commercials more tightly edited than this.

WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING??!?

Ok now they’re old and Dick just died.

HAHA oh my god, Lindsay just did the fakest faint ever when she found out Dick died.

HER WIG! I AM DYING!

ahahahahhaha!

I’m sad MJ wasn’t in this.

Oh and umm it just ended super abruptly. So I guess that’s that.

I have no idea what I just watched. This movie, much like this blog, was a damn mess. One thing is for sure though: Lindsay Lohan is not bouncing back from this trainwreck, but at least she can be proud in knowing she helped create a movie that gay dudes will add to their campy movie night right after they watch Showgirls.

In closing, I feel the following Gif sums up my experience watching this abomination.