whats up bitches?

hey jerks, as you may have noticed i re-did my blog. I think it looks pretty nifty if i do say so myself. plus see that search bar in the corner? you can type shit in there and whenever i mentioned it in a blog it will come up, which is cool and apparently i used the word “fuck” and “xfiles” alot which is honestly not all that surprising. I also put a list of blogs and websites i go to all the damn time so check those out but DONT YOU DARE leave me for those blogs. If you do i’m taking the dog.

are my childhood crushes still relevant?

As I am almost in my autumn years (25) i decided to take some time to reflect on my innocent youth spent pining over various boyband members and in one case a man in his 30’s named David. So do i still want to make out with these boys? Lets find out!

ps- I clearly still want to make out with David so i didn’t even bother putting him on this list. (call me!)

Val Kilmer

Then:

my inner 14 year old is screaming in joy.

man, I was a messed up kid. Why did i think Val kilmer was handsome when I was probably 14 years old? Dont get me wrong, he was pretty handsome and also Batman so he has that working for him. But I probably should have been digging on Hanson or some shit.  I used to watch The Saint all the goddamn time despite having a very weak grasp on the plot. I think it had something to do with the cold war? All I know is he took his shirt off at least once. I also loved him in Willow because I have a weird thing for dirty medieval men. I’m not even joking about that, it is 100% true.

Schwing!

My love for Val started waning around the time The Island of Dr. Moreau came out possibly because that movie was so fucking awful, or possibly because I spent most of that movie looking at this:

isn't it always so embarrassing when someone comes to a party in the same outfit you're wearing?

My love for him sort of went away once I became obsessed with i think Mel Gibson? Jesus Christ i need help.

Now:

 

Well it could be worse. Do I want to bang him? No. Would I make out with him if I had the chance? Probably but just for novelty sake. Apparently his ego is really writing checks his body can’t cash, and by the looks of things those checks bounced at the local gym.

My boyfriend just saw him in some movie called Felon where he played a prison inmate who either got raped or did the raping…hang on a sec i’ll ask. Well after staring at me for several awkward seconds Matt told me there was no raping at all and that I’m a sicko. Anyways apparently the movie was really good but it’s still not enough to let him touch my breasts.

Jonathan Brandis

Then:

 

well this is going straight into my locker i can tell you that much.

 

Oh man i had the hots for this kid in a big way. Remember the never-ending story part 2? not only a million times better than the original, it also had this total babe in it as the main character. My god he was cute. He was very non-threatening looking so i felt like he would just want to hold my hand and not take things too fast.

He was also in SeaQuest DSV which was a Star Trek type deal but in the ocean? I cant remember but i used to watch it religiously mainly because of this kid and they also had a super smart dolphin in it that i think might have been able to talk. Sweet.

 

or maybe it just wore backpacks? either way: Sweet

 

 

Now:

Well uhhh he’s dead. Wow that really puts a damper on things. I was sort of wondering where he has been and by “sort of” i mean “never” but wow, that sucks. Not only because he probably would have aged like a fine wine but because this total eliminates any chance for a seaquest reunion. well lets see what he looked like before he died

 

wait...what?

 

 

Good god! I take back what I said about him aging like a fine wine.what the hell man? When did he magically transform into a fratboy named Doug? Turns out this guy hung himself which is actually pretty sad. especially when he had fans like this:

http://members.tripod.com/Jacie_Lynn/JonBrandis.html

haha that website was so amazing! did you read the story about how she got an autographed 1995 calendar from him after he was unable to take her to prom? hahaha i seriously cant stop laughing. But it gets pretty sad at the end with the little blurb about how he killed himself. Maybe if he had stumbled upon this poorly designed eyesore of a website he never would have done it. We will never know.

But anyways, would i bang him? No. Would i bang his ghost? umm maybe. But to be honest, probably not. I only thought he was good looking when he was like 17 so that would make a me rapist…a ghost rapist. A person who rapes ghosts. And quite frankly I don’t need that on my plate.

The Motherfuckin’ Red Ranger

Then:

 

 

Thats right bitches. I used to love the Power Rangers. My friend Jess and I had all the toys between us and once i accidently snapped the friggin wings off her Goldar toy and I know she still holds a grudge about it to this day (Sorry Jess) But she also kicked me in the nose once when we were kung fu fighting on the trampoline so I say we’re even.

Anyways, Jason the Red Ranger was my jam back then. He was the leader AND his robot was a goddamn T-Rex. I rest my case.  He actually wasn’t all that good looking and to be honest, I think I knew that even then. But I guess I just needed someone to love and it sure as hell wasn’t going to be that goddamn annoying robot. WE GET IT JUST SHUT UP.

 

Even at a young age i wanted to smack your goddamn head off.

 

 

Ugh. So since even then I was apparently more attracted to his leadership powers and sweet robot dinosaur, the odds are not looking good that I would let him make out with me today. lets find out though!

Now:

 

 

ARGHHH

 

 

AH! when I saw this I started laughing so hard I started wheezing. hahah what the hell man? Didn’t he know martial arts and whatnot? good god. And the bluetooth? Fuck. Anyways he doesn’t act anymore at all and apparently is a paramedic now which is a career that commands a lot more respect then being a power ranger. Well i guess he’s doing better than the yellow ranger (Spoiler alert – She’s dead)

So no, I would never ever let this guy even brush up against me in an elevator. Wow…This article is really destroying my precious childhood memories.

Just for fun, lets take a look and see what Jess’ favorite ranger (Tommy the green ranger)  is looking like these day:

 

OH WHAT THE FUCK. THIS IS BULLSHIT.

 

Goddamn it. So Jason got all bloated and Tommy is a fucking MMA fighter. YOU BLEW IT YOUNG RIGBY.

 

Cary Elwes

Then:

 

his eyes are saying to me "get off your laptop, out of your terry cloth shorts and into my bed"

 

 

Can we please talk about how great The Princess Bride was? It had Fred Savage. Andre the Giant and giant mutant rats.That movie is a goddamn classic and Cary Elwes is friggin breathtaking in it. First off, he was super cute as the farmboy

 

my ovaries!

 

 

but then once he got kidnapped by pirates he started wearing all black, grew a mustache and learned how to swordfight. FUCK YES. That is literally everything I want in a man. Seriously.

When I was younger I used to watch this movie all the time and I will probably watch it as soon as I’m done writing this because that’s just how lame I am. I actually totally forgot about Cary Elwes and so did the rest of the world until a little ditty called Saw came out..

Now:

 

umm you're busy, I'll come back later.

 

 

Well as you can see he is currently sawing his goddamn foot off in a desperate attempt to escape a diabolical murder device. When I first saw, umm..Saw. (awkward) I was all “Holy shit! the dead guy in the middle of the room was alive the whole time!” then shortly after I was all “HOLY SHIT THATS WESLEY FROM THE PRINCESS BRIDE” clearly the latter was more shocking to me since I put it in capslock. Lets see if theres a better angle

 

well I saw this going a lot worse. A LOT.

 

 

Well not too bad actually. Probably the best out of all the other candidates on this list, which isn’t too much of an accomplishment since one is a skeleton. But either way he is actually pretty handsome. So would I make out with him? Why yes, yes I would.

Success! We found one dude that I would still be seen in public with! So I guess this stroll down memory lane has been worth it in the long run. We had some laughs, found out some people we haven’t thought about since 1994 were dead. All in all I’m pretty pleased.

I watched Transformers 2. I no longer fear death.

 

 

pretend theres some explosions and giant robots around her. There, you just saved yourself 5 bucks.

 

 

 

 

Ugh. you guys. I watched Transformers 2. In my defense, I saw the first one when it came out and i thought it was sort of OK and I have made my boyfriend watch numerous terrible movies and a lot of Xfiles and The Mighty Boosh, so I figured I would let him pick the movie. NEVER AGAIN.

 

My god i love this show

 

 

This movie is so beyond terrible it is laughable. It is almost in the “so bad it’s funny” category of movies but not quite, since it takes itself way too seriously. It’s…It’s just awful. It is 2 and a half hours too long and there is a lot of fucking terrible shit that I am going to talk about so strap yourself in for the long haul.  To make it fun, see if you can count how many times I curse out Michael Bay for allowing this abomination to assault my senses.

 

you sick fuck.

 

 

The movie starts with – I shit you not -  a 15 minute fight scene with so many explosions neither one of us had any idea which robots were good and which were bad.  I honestly just wanted all of them to explode.

After tons of NON STOP ACTION!!!!! The “plot” started to develop. Apparently in the sequel the Decepticons are still huge dicks and want to either destroy earth or live on it, they either never really made their intentions clear or I don’t give a shit. Probably the latter.

So  Shia LeBeef is hanging out at home reflecting on his time with the alien robots and what it was like on the set of Even Stevens when he somehow finds a weird metal sliver which promptly melts through the floor and turns all of the kitchen appliances into weird evil robots. Which are then destroyed by the robot living in his garage. ROBOTS!

 

ROBOTS! also how amazing would it be if Transformers looked like this? haha the 50's

 

 

After this weird plotpoint, Megan Fox rolls over on her sweet motorcycle (that she poses sexily on no less than twice I might add) and is pissed he’s leaving for college or something?  So he goes off to College and there is a really odd scene in which his Mom buys a pot brownie from a college kid and then eats it which causes her to act super drunk and fall all over the place. I was sort of hoping the movie would start following her around, but no. Also his dad says “That brownie has REEFER in it!” which was well, quite frankly amazing.

 

Transformers 2: Moms high and talking to the mailman about time travel again

 

 

Anyways I guess this metal sliver that he touched somehow unlocked all the secrets of the universe and I think the Deceptions need him to show them something they can use to destroy Earth? I’m going to level with you guys:  I am really unsure of the plot and at no point does it become clear to me. In fact directly before writing this I read the Wikipedia plot synopsis and I’m still not sure what the fuck is going on.

 

You never let me down! except when you told me Sea Otters were the most racist animals in the Ocean.

 

 

So he starts seeing weird symbols and has these amazing stroke/seizures which are just hilarious. Despite this, he decides to go to a frat party and starts spelling out these symbols things in icing and some slutty girl is all into it and tries to give him a lap dance. He later gives her a ride in his Car/Autobot, Bumblebee.  This is where is gets weird.

Bumblebee is apparently pissed that he has another broad with him so he starts fucking around and straight up moves the passenger seat so violently forward that the slut launches herself straight into the windshield. This scene is the highlight of the entire film. Re-Read that. In a movie about intergalactic robots beating the shit out of each other, a random girl smoking her face off of a car windshield is the best part. I’m sure you can see how good this movie is going to be.

 

you should probably just rent this if you're into murderous cars

 

 

After giving her a mild concussion, he then sprays what I can only assume is windshield wiper fluid all over her. I have no idea why this is even in the movie. I mentally checked out 15 minutes in.

Meanwhile Megan Fox is in possession of that metal sliver and a toy robot truck has been following her around trying to get it to the Decepticons. She finds this robot trying to steal  her shit, burns its eye out and then throws it in a lunchpail. She then brings this robot to Shia for no real reason that I can see. She somehow brings a murderous evil robot onto a plane yet I can’t bring a goddamn bottle of Ice Tea. GODDAMN IT MICHAEL BAY.

Back at College, Shia starts going crazy as all hell and writes symbols all over his walls, more importantly all over his Bad Boys 2 poster THEREBY COMPLETELY RUINING IT.

Slutty girl shows up and is all “I don’t care that your car went all Christine on my ass, lets do this!” and starts getting all up on him. Cue Megan Fox walking in. Oh what a hilarious misunderstanding! But wait..the slutty chick turns out to be an evil robot…somehow. What?

 

Exactly.

 

 

Ok wait a minute. If Decepticons could turn into humans, why the fuck would they choose to turn into a slutty Co-Ed, why wouldn’t they just turn into the president or someone with a huge amount of power? And if she was a robot then why didn’t she crush him when she sat on him? Is she T-1000? Can all of the robots turn into people? If so, why don’t they?  GODDAMN IT MICHAEL BAY!

Ugh. I honestly don’t know if i can go on. Could you imagine watching everything I just described? Jesus Christ. Somehow they escape from this super special robot which they kill by running it over with a Honda civic. I…I.. want to to die.

Then they get kidnapped by a Decepticon but later rescued by two robots. Alright, this is very important. What I am about to explain to you is not made up, this was seriously in a feature film made past  the 1940’s. These two robots are twins named Mudflap and Skids. They speak in gangster slang and one has a gold tooth. They used the term “slap you in your bitch face” and said Yo constantly. One actually says “don’t make me bust a cap in your ass” Later on in the film it is revealed that neither one can read. I AM DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT THIS.

They must have hired the guy that came up with those crows in the Dumbo movie.

"Oooh lordy them robots sure are hilarious!"

for some reason we decided to keep watching, maybe to see if a robot popped up named LeeWoo that used its gigantic teeth and chopsticks for a weapon.

GODDAMMIT MICHAEL BAY.

Anyways somewhere along the line Optimus Prime died like a bitch and that little robot Megan Fox had told them that he knew a robot that could help them bring him back to life. So they try to do that I guess. I really tried to block most of this part out because that little robot started humping Megan Fox’s leg and I think part of my soul flew out of my body.

 

"Jesus..is that you? Whoa! is Santa there too?? kick ass!"

 

 

Later when i recovered from my blackout they were magically transported to Egypt because I guess Autobots can do that. This is the last 40 minutes of the film and over 30 of it is devoted to explosions. I actually left the room several times and when I came back and asked what I missed the answer was “Explosions”

 

WOOOOO!!! EXPLOSIONS! I LOVE AMERICA! U.S.A! U.S.A!

 

 

Shia tries to bring some magical robot glitter to  Optimus which will bring him back to life as well as making him ready for all the hottest dance clubs. On his way there an explosion goes off behind him causing him to do several backflips and then die. Thank god right? WRONG. His soul is sent to Heaven where Robots tell him to go back to Earth and fulfill his destiny. He then is alive again. Tell me what was wrong with that last sentence. ROBOT HEAVEN. He either got sent to Robot Heaven or there are Robots hanging out in our Heaven. I do not want Robots hanging out in our Heaven because if that is the case then 60% of Heaven is going to be taken up with abandoned Furbies.

GOD DAMN SHUT UP. IM PUTTING A TOWEL OVER YOUR FOREHEAD SENSOR SO YOU THINK ITS TIME TO SLEEP. FUCK I HATE YOU.

Shia finally sprinkles glitter on Optimus and he wakes up and destroys the Decepticons along with several pyramids and an entire Egyptian shantytown because hey, they didn’t have shitty enough lives.

 

You know what this slum needs? EXPLOSIONS!

 

 

After saving the world, they decide to leave Egypt in ruins and leave on a gigantic US Aircraft Carrier. (Social Commentary?)  and Optimus says some gay speech about how the world is safe or something. I think I blacked out so there could be several key plotpoints I’m missing. But somehow I dont think so.

In conclusion, I fucking hate you Michael Bay.

October Special…Who’s the best..Vampire Edition

Vampires have been around forever in popular culture and it seems like every 10 years there’s a resurgence in popularity, once everyone remembers that chicks get total boners for them. Vampires come in all shapes and forms, so lets take a look at some and I will pass judgment down upon them…viscous, viscous internet judgment. Oh and before you get down the list and wonder why I didn’t include Dracula it’s because Dracula is soooo 1476.

1. Lestat

Lestat and his "life partner"

Total Homo. There, I said it. When Lestat isn’t swishing around in European back alleys, he’s at home in lavishly decorated castles wearing something puffy and lacy. Oh and he’s probably doing his hair.

"No Homo"

I fucking hate Interview with a Vampire and pretty much anything Anne Rice related because I cannot stand the rampant homosexual undertones. I have no problems with homosexuals, but i do have a problem with characters who are so blatantly gay yet do not come out of the closet. girlfriend, we know you are gay just come out already.

Here is a short list of totally gay things Lestat does:

• Bites (aka Vampire make out) Brad Pitt
• adopts a girl to be his daughter (why not just knock up a sexy vampire lestat?)
• Bites (aka Vampire make out) Christian Slater
• Pretty much everything else he does/says

So for being so gay it hurts yet not accepting of himself, Lestat gets a poor grade.

Final Grade: F

2. The Count

never change

When I was little at some gas station they had little Sesame Street toys you could buy and one was of the Count chilling out with some pumpkins and my goddamn mom wouldn’t get it for me because she thought it was too scary. fast forward to when I was 12 and it was totally cool for me to watch this guy eat a sanitation worker on the XFiles:

really mom? REALLY?

Luckily when I went to bed the night after watching that episode all I could think of was being in love with Fox Mulder, which is a bit more troubling in retrospect because he was probably 34 years old at the time.

But we aren’t here to discuss that, we’re here to talk about how goddamn cool the count is. He was one of my favorite characters because he had that sweet silk cape and that infectious laugh. AH HA HA. I LOVE YOU!

He gets extra cool points for being a horrible ghoul that sustains himself on the blood of innocent victims, yet taking the time to teach pre-schoolers about numbers. Keep on truckin’! Also, do you guys remember this little ditty?

So am I the only one who started clapping in excitement halfway through that video? Goddamn it I used to love this song when I was little. I know whats going on my iPod in T-Minus 4 minutes.

Final Grade: OH MY GOD I LOVE THE COUNT

3. Edward Cullen

"Oh this? It's me and my bouffant chillin out with my pet owl."

yes of course he is on this list. Do not lie to yourselves: You would totally bang this guy if you got the chance. I know i would. The rest of the internet would too, I just typed in “Ed” into google and I got the following suggestions: Edward Cullen, Edward Twilight and Edward Fucking Cullen. Oh I also got Ed McMahon who now that I think about it might actually be a Vampire as well.

"Come live with me for all eternity and be my Queen of the night. You may already be a winner"

Edward has already won points over Lestat because his hair isn’t in a ponytail and he doesn’t wear lacy velvet numbers.  Plus homeboy is like a hundred years old so he is probably extremely good at doing the Charleston,  and I bet he has gotten 100% in Final Fantasy 7.

destroyer of freetime

He does have his downsides though. What with the fact that he has straight up murdered people before, and he also will watch you sleep which is upsetting because I know i make terrible, terrible noises in my sleep (the farting kind)

Who Doesnt?

He is slightly less homoerotic than Lestat, but there’s still a bit of a “will he or wont he bang a dude if it came down to it” element to him. He loses badassery points for being such a huge Vagina and spending most of his time whining instead of hiding behind a silk cape only to emerge and yell “BLAA!!” at the person closest to him. Still pretty bangable though.

Final Grade: B

4.Eric Northman and Bill Compton

I was too lazy to cut Sam out of the background so he's there too. DEAL WITH IT.

I lumped these two jerks in together because they’re on the same show and I’m a lazy S.O.B.

If you haven’t seen True Blood, you probably should probably start because it is extremely cheesy yet addicting. plus there is tits and horrible southern accents.

Bill and Eric are the main Vampires in it and they are both pretty badass in their own way. Bill was a confederate soldier and he knows how to play ragtime music. And he recycles:

reducing his carbon footprint. what a prince.

On the downside, he has a terrible haircut and constantly bitches and moans. plus he is totally unable to pronounce his girlfriend’s name

ITS SOO-KEY YOU DUMB SHIT.

Eric is also pretty BA and he is super old, he used to be a Viking and I’m going to be honest here guys, the concept of a Vampire Viking is pretty much blowing my mind right now. On the con side of Eric he has terrible bleached hair and I am 78% sure that his tanktops were purchased in the womans department.

So.....Manly (?????)

But I’m going to give this win to Eric based solely on this:

"Earth to Meekus, I knew it was a joke i just didn't get it right away"

FUCK YES ERIC IS MEEKUS FROM ZOOLANDER. If you are not familiar with his work maybe this will refresh your memory:

OH. MY.GOD. I love Zoolander. So apparently after dying in a freak gasoline fight accident he was resurrected as a crazy as hell vampire on an HBO series, and for that he wins.

Final Grade: ORANGE MOCHA FRAPPICINO

So there you have it chumps! Clearly a childrens show vampire character beat out all these losers and they should think long and hard as to how that can improve themselves. shame on them.

October Special…Who’s best? Zombie Edition

I’m not going to lie to you guys: Zombies creep me the fuck out and I am actually genuinely terrified of them. Yet, I cannot resist Zombie movies or anything Zombie related, its like their my abusive boyfriend. well my second abusive boyfriend because well…

So lets skirt away from the issue of spousal abuse for a few minutes here and discuss my favorite Zombies.

1. Classic Shuffling Zombies

this photo really needs a word bubble that says "Say whaaa?" in it

I pray to God that if Zombies ever actually attack, they will be shuffling nincompoops like these jerks. If they are able to run and jump I will just straight up chuck myself off a cliff. Anywho these badboys are pretty par for the course in earlier Zombie movies, like the classic Romero films,  but then somewhere along the line someone decided they weren’t extreme enough and shambling clumsily towards your evening meal is something better left to an inebriated David Hasselhoff.

"GRRR ARBYS BEEF AND CHEDDAR!!!"

Despite them being “lame” I still prefer them over their speedy counterparts, mainly because I’m pretty sure I could boogie past one at a brisk walking pace.

Final Grade: A

2.Thriller Zombies

Is it just me or is that jacket still pretty goddamn awesome?

I fucking love this song. It has it all: Vincent Price reading a poem, goddamn Zombies dancing, Micheal Jackson before he went wrong, and the whole music video is just a friggin masterpiece. When I was younger I should have put some effort into learning this dance but I went on the opposite end of the spectrum and learned the dance to Backstreets Back.

say what you will: I would totally bang Brian still.

These Zombies are alright in my books because if they ever attacked you in real life I think you would probably have a good chance of escaping while they do their 5 minute choreographed dance routine. That is if you could peel yourself away from the magic unfolding in front of you. What a conundrum. They play this video non stop in October but I listen to this song and the monster mash at any time during the year because im just that cool. These Zombies get extra marks for making me try and do the dance in my car while people stare in horror at red lights. In fact, lets take a minute and watch this because I know I want to see it and I assume you do too.

Wow wasn’t that fun? I was dancing in my chair and I hope you were too. I think we just had a bonding moment you guys.

Final Grade: A++

3.Bub the Zombie (Day of the Dead)

"Hey honey I'm going to be late. Long story short, I'm chained to a wall"

If you are not familiar with Bubs work let me give you a brief rundown:

• He lives in a lab with a scientist who trains him
• He learns how to use a phone
• He FUCKING SHOOTS A GUY

Do I really have to go on? Basically what happens in this movie as a subplot to the rampant Zombie action is a scientist tries to teach a Zombie (Bub) to re-learn basic tasks in a way to show that they can be re trained. But it gets cuter! He teaches Bub to pick up a phone, dial it, put it to his ear and then Bub is all “Hello, Aunt Alicia?” hahaha so precious! It’s unclear whether or not he ever got ahold of Aunt Alicia but I can imagine how awkward that phone call would be. It’s like when someone puts their cat on the phone and you’re like “uhh….so…cat, whats…up?”

"oh not much, I think Im going on a date with Brad tonig..oh hold on, its my call waiting"

Back to the point here, After some Army dick busts in and shoots his Scientist to death Bub starts crying and freaks out, grabs the guy’s gun and fucking shoots the guy. That’s like getting stabbed by a lion or a shark putting arsenic in your food. It’s just total overkill.

shit just got real

I actually almost cried at this part. I goddamn loved Bub and I just wanted to poke him with a stick gently and let him know everything was going to be Okay. So for making me feel, Bub gets an excellent score.

Final Grade: A+

4. Those goddamn fast Zombies

Well I am just going to lay down and die if this is what I have to look forward to

When the Dawn of the Dead remake came out I was all “shit ya!” and then once they started running at amazing speeds I was all “OH GOD NO” I miss the old crappy Zombies, I do not want Zombies that can chase you for 7 city blocks. The whole premise of Zombies is already pretty crazy but why on earth would they be able to run? They’re basically moving rotting corpses so I would like to think that if the dead do in fact rise from the grave to eat us that they will be pretty shitty at doing it.

there is no way those two guys at the front could even keep up a brisk walk for more than 4 minutes

Every single Zombie movie has these goddamn running ones now, and their rising popularity makes me wish I just ran for 45 minutes instead of eating a Sub sandwich. Damn you Southwest Chipotle subsauce!!

Final Grade: C

5. Evil Dead Zombies

"so i couldnt help but notice you locked me in a cellar. Whats that about?"

If you haven’t seen these movies you are a jerkoff. Go watch them right now. Actually you can skip Evil Dead one because the second one is pretty much the same…Actually if you have a dinner or a ballet recital or something to go to, you can skip right to Army of Darkness because it is clearly the best one.

YES PLEASE, also am I the only one who would bang Bruce Campbell regardless of his chainsaw arm?

These Zombies are called Deadites which is pretty badass if you ask me.  Ash is quite possibly the best hero ever because he has a pretty defined chin area, a goddamn chainsaw for an arm and he calls his shotgun a boomstick.

Oh yea, I forgot to mention that he goes back in time in this movie to fight medieval deadites. Feel free to leave right now, speed to your local video store and rent it. I’ll wait. Anyways, at one point in the movie Ash gets split into two and one of him becomes a deadite. That is correct, a goddamn Zombie Ash:

GODDAMN IT I LOVE THIS MOVIE

then they totally fight each other and it is hilarious and basically the greatest thing ever. Did I mention they both have capes? ahhh I have to go watch this right now you guys.

So for making me lose my mind and instantly want to abandon writing this to watch it, The Army of Darkness Zombies win!

Final Grade: A+++

the scariest animals in existence, or: proof God is a jerk

as many of you know already, there are a lot of animals that i am terribly afraid of (i.e – spiders, horses, …..man?) but those are all bush league shit compared to what we’re going to be seeing today.

1. Vampire Squid

wow, Vampires are so hot right now hey guys? Well this squid isn’t good looking in a sort of homosexual way like all the other vampires (I’m looking in your direction Lestat) This squid is just creepy as all hell.

"who wants some kisses??"

agh!! why the hell does it have creepy teeth things instead of just suckers like other squids? I’ll tell you why, it’s because God reserved the oceans for his most terrifying creations. This squids latin name is Vampyroteuthis infernalis, which literally translates into “Vampire squid from Hell” Jesus Christ, tell us how you really feel Latin uhhh name giver..guys..? Anyways, totally creepy right? well check this shit out: Its fucking eyes glow in the dark.

THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU! I NEED AN OLD PRIEST AND A YOUNG PRIEST!

I honestly can’t think of any reason for this to exist other than to make us think one is brushing against our legs when we’re swimming in the Ocean. Thankfully these things live in the very bottom of the Sea along with Ursula the sea witch, so I think we’re safe. FOR NOW.

2. Camel Spiders

haha.

While looking up pictures for this I actually started to get super creeped out and sick to my stomach. So i recommend having another picture of two otters kissing or a handsome man or something minimized so you can bring that up to cleanse your palate. Alright. Check it out.

dear god

Ughhhh why?? Theres also this gem:

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

Who the hell would hold on to not one but two of these spiders to take a picture? US Army recruitment officers should be bound by law to show this photo to all new recruits

“And I’ll just slide this photo over to show you the horrible monsters that will be no doubt crawling in your boots and sleeping bag and then get the final paperwork rolling and you should be…sir…sir! please stop running!”

Yes these prizes are fucking awful and somehow even more disgusting than all other species of spiders combined.  Their Latin name is Solifugae, which means “those that flee from the sun” WHAT THE HELL why such creepy names? Could you imagine living back in the day when everyone spoke Latin? Cows would be called “Horned Land Demons” and pigeons would be called “Flighted Bloodseekers” Good god people.

"Furred HellSpawn"

Anyways, i guess these things aren’t actually deadly to humans and only bite when provoked by your wife screaming “GET IT OUT OF THE HOUSE JEFF! IT MIGHT BITE THE BABY!”  so as long as your nagging wife keeps her mouth shut, we’ll all be just fine.

3. The Deepsea Hatchetfish

Goddamnit. I knew the Ocean wasn’t done pumping out horrible nightmare fuel. I don’t know what it is with water but it seems to just have awful, awful things to offer. Like these:

I..I dont even have a witty comment..

Holy piss! Why do they have this face? why are they screaming? WHY? All i can think of when I look at these is this:

"BRB face melting"

it probably isn’t a good sign that these fish remind me of a Nazi’s face melting off in an Indiana Jones movie. It either means I love Indiana Jones too much (not possible) or that these fish were a terrible, terrible mistake.

These things are actually pretty tiny and they live in the bottom of the Ocean just like apparently every other awful thing, so I’m not too worried about it. actually, maybe they just look like constantly screaming horrific ghouls from the front, maybe they don’t look as awful from the side

somehow this is worse.

and apparently they are grotesque from every angle and Im pretty sure after looking into that fishes’s eye for a few seconds I lost my soul. Fuck.

4. Naked Mole Rat

I actually think rats are pretty cute, and I’m a big fan of certain things when they’re naked so I don’t know how this could go wrong

"Be honest, should I get a facelift?"

Oh my god it looks like every old person ever mixed with a terrible rat. Look at its creepy little eyes! Sick! People actually have these things for pets. These and Hairless cats are right up there on worst pets ever. If you want a hairless animal to hang out with get a baby.

thank god! something that doesn't have a terribly scary latin name

Why on earth do these exist. I’m honestly questioning God at this point because I don’t want to believe that he saw all of these animals in pre-production and just gave them the go ahead.

EPIC FAIL

You know what these things eat? Potatoes and Poo. That’s correct. They eat their own poo if they can’t find enough Potatoes. Naked mole rats are the animal equivalent to Irish people circa 1845. Except those people just starved to death when Potatoes were in short supply  instead of eating shit, which makes me question which of these two was smarter.

wont make your kid eat poo? worst mom ever.

Really though God, we need to have  a talk. Why did you make a hairless bucktoothed rat that eats poop? Have you been drinking again?

5. Blobfish

FUCK YOU OCEAN! My Greatest fear is living in a Waterworld type situation because of the rampant ocean animals and Kevin Costner. Plus i think he had gills in that movie? Goddamn it sucked.

Awful Post apocalyptic movies aside, these animals are less scary and more so ugly and pathetic you want to mercy kill every last one of them.

its like a biggest loser contestant of the sea

God lord. I’m not even clear as to how these propel themselves let alone how they breathe. These fish look like someone whipped a huge glob of spitball at a wall and this is the result. hahah If it could talk it would just constantly complain about its life and it would probably have a catchphrase like “Well at least you aren’t me” and then the “waahh wahhhhh” would play in the background. Are you listening FOX broadcasting? I think we might have a new sitcom on our  hands. I do, however, enjoy its little nose.

oh god there is nothing appealing about this

I also imagine if you ate one it would taste like those shitty marshmallow strawberry candies that everyone hates. God really fucked this one up the worst because this fish doesn’t look scary, have a creepy superpower like glow in the dark eyes or terror face, or eat potatoes. it just has an awful name and looks like a melting stick of butter.

Well at least we aren’t him. (wahh wahhhhhh)

Alvin and the Chipmunks: Wha?

As a child something nagged at me almost constantly in the back of my mind, giving me a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that can only be described as a horrific realization that I would never understand or figure out what the hell the deal with Alvin and the Chipmunks was.

well I know it's not this. Goddamn it hate the internet.

As an adult I still cannot wrap my head around this franchise. I just don’t get it. Are they supposed to be Dave’s children? Do other people know they can talk? Where did they get their tiny clothes and glasses? The list goes on here people.

I thought I was safe from my waking fog of confusion but then a few years ago a live action/CGI Alvin and the Chipmunks was released and I died a little inside. Let me make something perfectly clear: CGI animal/Live action movies almost never work and are usually goddamn awful:

wait, why is Garfield CGI but Odie isn't? GODDAMN IT

Attention everyone who makes movies: If something was in 2D to begin with fucking keep it that way. No one wants a 3D Marmaduke dancing to Who let the Dogs out. Thank you.

Anyways, I was praying to god that this would be a huge flop and It wasn’t just because I was thinking of myself, I was also thinking of all the parents that would undoubtedly be forced to go and see this dreck. But it wasn’t meant to be. This movie made an assload of money and also spawned a horrific soundtrack featuring the Chipmunks butchering songs like Funky Town.

They also have a song entitled “Get Munk’d” which deeply offends me but i’m not entirely sure why….

….And a quick trip to urbandictionary.com gave me several reasons to be offended by the word munk. (Mom, please don’t look it up)

Disgusting words aside, This movie looked fucking terrible and for some reason Jason Lee got roped into playing their Dad (???) Dave. Goddamn it Jason, first you name your daughter “Pilot Inspektor” then i find out you’re a scientologist, and now this?

Anyways, lets take a look at this fucking movie trailer i guess.

Oh my god. David Cross is in this??? I think i just lost my faith in humanity. Ugh. So yea, that was that. Where did they get those tiny guitars? Why can they talk? Why did this ever get made? The questions are almost as unceasing as the rage i have boiling inside me.

And another thing, their size seems to be pretty inconsistent. In the cartoon i used to watch when i was younger,  they were the same size as kids and they hung out with normal kids and went to school and whatnot.

www.awkwardfamilyphotos.com

But then in this new one they’re really small and I assume don’t go to public school. Forget about trying to decide if Polanski raped that girl*, lets figure out how tall these goddamn chipmunks are once and for all.

*He totally raped that girl.

The Chipmunk movie came and left and I was relieved to go back to my daily activities without having to wonder if Alvins sweater was custom made. But then just a few days ago, I was enjoying some relaxing time infront of the TV when I was visually assulted by an ad for the sequel.

It is entitled “Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakuel”

Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakuel

“NOOOOOOOOOO!” I bitterly shouted to the heavens above. But my anguished cries went unheard and I was forced to punch my cat repeatedly in the face to get my anger out. (momma loves you!) Im going to spare you the details, but I will tell you this: The girl chipmunks are in it. Yes, that’s right.

these assholes.

I have no idea what their names are but this just adds another confusing layer to this franchise. Is there some sort of magical chipmunk god pumping out these creepy human chipmunk hybrids? If they whoever invented the Chipmunks took this idea two doors down the hall we could have had a horror movie on our hands. Think about it.

Opening Scene – Dusk, the camera zooms in on crying mutant chipmunk baby, as camera pans closer the monster opens its blood red eyes.  Camera pans out as baby screams, revealing rows of sharpened teeth. Title Card reveal: “THE CHIPMUNKS: SOUL EATERS”

he has two human eyeballs stuffed in those cheeks

Chilling. Simply chilling.

So anyways, The end of this ad has a little blurb that urges you to go Munk yourself. Excuse me?

OH SNAP!

In the name of entertainment, I went to…ugh..munkyourself.com and found its one of those stupid things where you make a chipmunk version of yourself. On the plus side, you can make it say fun stuff in a chipmunk voice. Things like “I am an affront to God himself” Memories!

In conclusion, can someone please tell me what the hell the deal is with Alvin and the Chipmunks? You guys work on that and I’ll start trying to figure out if the Addams Family is alive or not, and If Velma from Scooby-Doo is a lesbian.

October special: Who’s the best….Werewolf edition

Whats up chumps? So its October and you know what that means! Halloween as well as Thanksgiving if you are Canadian. Due to my hatred of turkey and cranberry flavoured gelatin, I am only a big fan of one of these holidays. So i was thinking that this month I’m going to give you guys a rundown on my favorite choices in the horrible ghoul category. So this week lets take a look at some sweet werewolves and I’ll determine who the best is. (spoiler alert – theres a huge chances its going to be Teen Wolf)

1. Classic Werewolf

is it me or does he have a piggy nose?

The Classic werewolf, or Wolfman if you prefer, is obviously a fan favorite and totally started this whole thing back in the 40’s. Lon Chaney Jr, the actor who played the Wolfman, is also awesomely namedropped in the Warren Zevon song Werewolves of London so he automatically gains +4 cool points.

I saw a werewolf drinking a pina colada at Trader Vics. His hair was perfect.

 Classic Wolfman unfortunately loses points for being so damn old and also in black and white. get with the times man. But back in the 40’s people were scared more easily so i guess i’ll let it slide…this time. In the end though, he is the pioneer of Wolfmen to come and really opened the door for future Werewolves. you might say he’s the Werewolf Barack Obama. Or you might not say that because it barely made any sense.

Final Grade: B

 

2. Teen Wolf

hot stuff tonight!

 

Well right off the bat he has my vote because I goddamn love Micheal J Fox. Also, his friend Stiles had that amazing “What are you looking at Dicknose” shirt

 

I'll tell you what I'm looking at: my soulmate

ahaha so good. Anyways, Teen wolf is frigging amazing and Im going to point out I am not counting its awful sequel Teen Wolf Too. ITS TWO YOU JERKOFFS. Right, so Teen Wolf has a few advantages over classic Wolfman. Those being age, good looks, basketball abilities, sweet rayban sunglasses and popularity. In retrospect I sort of wish I was Teen Wolf hahah just kidding. : (

That should be ME slamming that dunk

Final Grade: A+

 

3.Twilight Werewolves

Many of you may not know this, but Twilight has gayed up both vampires and werewolves. All they need to do is throw in depressed teenage Frankensteins monster and they have themselves a hat trick.

Anyways, In the Twilight world all Indians are apparently Werewolves. At least thats what i gathered from it and I must say that would be pretty awful if that was in fact the case. Bingo halls on a full moon would be packed with growling monsters in promotional Coors Light shirts and oxygen tanks, AC/DC concerts overrun with bloodthirsty animals making gutteral howls in a vain attempt to request Thunderstruck. Shudder.

"ARROOOO...I've got to check my Lottery ticket...RAAAA"

 

The new Twilight movie, which I plan to get absolutely shitfaced at, features a whole whack load of CGI Werewolves which looked OK in the preview but then again I was shitfaced the last time I saw that as well (I have a problem) They get a terrible grade because of this:

I'm not 100% on this, but I think I might be going to jail for downloading this

 

Yes that is the main werewolf and Yes he looks like the 13 year old son of a Mexican housekeeper. Yea, I said it.

Final Grade: F

4.Nightmare before Christmas Werewolf

Still, better than Amy Winehouse's teeth.

This guy is hands down my favorite character in this entire movie and I’m sad he got so little screen time. His face should be on XL Hot Topic hoodies, Not Jacks! actually on second thought, I don’t wish that upon anyone.

"only the dark embrace of the crypt can help me escape my stepdad Ken who is a total dick and not my real dad"

 

But seriously, this guy has it all: A ripped flannel shirt, uhh he’s a Werewolf, he um is extremely barrel chested….anyways, just look at this cutie pie:

DO WANT

This guy gets a high grade simply for being himself. Keep on rockin’ in the free world!

 

Final Grade: A

5. Joaquin Phoenix

I Miss you Mr. Pheonix's chin

Of all the Werewolves on this list, Joaquin hid his terrible secret the longest. He blended in for years amongst us, even having a successful movie career. But unfortunately, the blood lust was too great for even an actor great enough to be in a single episode of Murder, She Wrote in 1984 (Note-Look into whether or not he was in anything else before final publishing)

But in early 2008 it was clear something was very, very wrong with Joaquin:

AHH I CANT STOP ALTERNATING BETWEEN SCREAMING AND LAUGHING AHHH

Yes his transformation into Werewolf-dom was almost complete. He became a shambling, incoherent mess and shadow of his former self.  If only he was able to fully embrace his heritage then maybe he would be able to get ahold of himself long enough to buy a plane ticket to the foggy moors of London where he could live out his days feasting on backpacking Americans. It’s not too late, Joaquin. You could say Goodbye to your charade as a human, Say Goodbye to the lies. Say Goodbye to the fakeness of it all

..Dyslexia is also a side effect of Werewolfism

Final Grade: C

 

And on that note, I say Bye!Good to all of you. Next time I’ll give you guys a rundown on my favorite Zombies (spoiler alert - Bob Barker is the winner)

5 best evil teammates

I dont really know if you can be evil and still be considered part of a team, but i guess Cobra Commander had a corporation (evil)  and therefore had employees (also evil)  and thus teammates (of the evil variety)

So lets take a moment to honor those unsung heros who were usually bumbling jackasses

1. Bebop and Rocksteady

sorry for calling you "pig" and "grey pig" when i was little

Case in point. These guys were borderline retarded and Im guessing dropped out of Highschool. Because of this,  Im sure being a thug was the only job they could get. Being grotesteque mutant jungle animals didn’t help much either. I actually totally forgot about these two until my friend Adam mentioned them in his facebook status, so he gets +1 cool points. (once you recieve 40 cool points you can cash them in for an inflatable sword)

Goddamn it Sylvan Learning Center, where were you when they needed you?

Despite  these hardballs thrown at them by a cruel, cruel god they made something of their lives. They became extremely unsuccessful Goons hired by Shredder to murder Gigantic teenage turtles. They also had wicked fashion sense. Well mostly BeBop. Take a look at this bastard:

I mean, just take a look at those sunglasses!

But unfortunately being super cool and possibly gay (???) wasn’t enough to stop them from the constant humiliation they suffered at the hands of those turtles. They have been burned, kicked, punched, hit in the face with various weaponry and at one point strapped to a weird rocket and fired into the sky while the turtles highfived and i assume later ate pizza to celebrate their attempted murder. Dicks.

But BeBop and Rocksteady just kept coming. They are on this list because they embody the spirit of hardworking American(immigrants) everywhere. Just keep working and eventually you’ll get credit and stop receiving blows to the face.

2. Master Blaster

I recently watched Road Warrior: Beyond Thunderdome and my love for a young, tanned, dirty Mel Gibson was reignited along with my love for this Duo:

A TALE AS OLD AS TIME, SONG AS OLD AS RHYME, BEAUTY AND THE BEAST

Eff yes. If you haven’t ever seen Beyond Thunderdome that picture above damn well better seal the deal for you because what you are looking at is a midget riding a gigantic mutant.

So the deal here with Master Blaster is that Mel Gibson is thrown into the titular Thunderdome wherein “Two men enter. one man leaves” I would also like to take this moment to segway into a joke about child molesters my friend Adam made in which “A man and a boy enter a van and two men leave”

"Hey kid, ever wanna see Mr.T up close? come in my van"

But I digress. Once inside Thunderdome, Mel has a choice between beating MasterBlaster to death with a mallet or being beaten to death by MasterBlaster with a mallet. It’s a real no-brainer, just like when a waitress asks if you want a single or a double vodka and orange juice.

POW! right in the kisser

anyways, Mel obviously chooses to live because he has a lot of synagogues to spit on and He totally creams Blaster with a mallet, then rips off his helmet to deliver the final blow and is greeted with this:

DO NOT WANT

Thats right bitches, Blaster is a retarded man boy. I seriously scoured the internet trying to find a clip of this but basically what goes down is Mel is all “Oh Gross! a sweaty ogre!” and Master is all “No stop! he has the mind of a child!” and the audience is all “What?…Ahahahahaha”

Despite Masters loving tenderness for this mutant abomination, Tina Turner still shoot him in the chest a few times and leaves Master weeping over his corpse while the audience of drunken derelicts hoot and laugh. Perhaps it is really we who are the monsters? Think about it.

So they are on this list because of their unending love for each other. If a weird murderous midget can find love with a dim witted man baby in a war torn post apocalyptic wasteland then isn’t there hope for the rest of us?

3. The Cryptkeeper and puns

"hello boils and ghouls, get ready for a pun filled adventure with a possible chance of side boob"

Not really a classic team up per se, but where would one be without the other? This sick son of a bitch couldn’t go 5 seconds without uttering a terrible groan inducing pun and i think his real victims were the writers.

Picture them all in a room with dictionaries and thesauruses all over the place.

“Ok ok, can we make the word “great” into a death related pun? great…uhh..se…rrate?…like you serrated someones head off? does that make sense? serrate to meet you?? can you serrrate someone?  oh god i need a smoke”

"DAMN YOU STRAIGHT TO HELL PUNS!"

If you aren’t familiar with this show you’re a total loser and I hope you at least knew about beyond thunderdome or else i dont think we can be friends. Basically this guy would introduce scary stories by telling you about them by means of awful puns. Don’t believe me? here’s a short list of some of the puns used:

• (to a severed head) “Quit while you’re ahead”
• “Heads, I win. Tails, you *ooze*!”
• “He prefered older women…in pieces that is!”
• “Beauty… is Only Sin Deep!”

Do I really need to go on? you can see where I’m going with this. Puns are the Cryptkeepers best friend and he seriously crams them in wherever he possibly can. If anything, this makes him way less scary and in fact I loved him and this show when i was like 12. Remember the animated series? Holy shit that was my jam back in the day.  Anyways, they go together like peanut butter and jelly; like nascar events and spousal abuse;  like Tom and Myspace, and well, you get the idea.

4.  Beastly and Shrieky

i hate you.

Man, can we take a second to talk about what a mega bitch Shrieky was? literally all she did was Shriek. This harpy would constantly yell at Beastly to undertake some half assed plan to thwart the carebears, which ended more then once with him getting a cactus stuck to his butt (good work Carebear writers)

if you are a saturday morning cartoon character, this is your worst nightmare

I personally loved Beastly and always held up hope that he would join the Carebears instead of being bossed around by that Whore. He was super cool and wore a sweet scarf. oh and he had the best laugh ever:

hahah god i love him. Also, how did he possibly avoid hitting that tree? Oh cartoons! Anyways, these two crazy cats are on the list because they are the classic cliche of evil teammates: the dumb one and the smart one. Its a timeless combination that has been repeated through the centuries. If you have a best friend chances are one of you is the dumb one and one of you is the smart one. Think about it.

5. Marv and Harry aka: The Wet Bandits

haha jackasses.

I could seriously go off for hours about how amazing Home Alone is and in fact last Friday I spent a good 30 minutes quoting this movie with a bunch of friends. liquor was clearly involved.

"Is this toothbrush approved by the American Dental Association? ...Well can you find out?"

Marv and Harry are also an excellent example of “smart one/dumb one” with one minor change: They are both retarded because they get outsmarted by a 10 year old. So i guess this is more a case of “less retarded one/more retarded one”

another textbook example

Either way I friggin love these guys. When this movie came out I prayed every night for a bumbling duo of thugs to break into my house so I could smash them in the face with various household objects. I also wished to meet Buzz’s girlfriend

"Buzz, your girlfriend...Woof" oh god that felt great

They are on this list because their efforts are unrelenting. Did they stop when Kevin hit them in the face with Paint Cans? No! Drove a nail through Harrys foot which caused him to fall down a staircase? No! lit Marvs toque on fire? No!  In fact, someone compiled a greatest hits (Puns!)  collection which I will use to better illustrate my point/use as an excuse to watch clips from Home Alone

What im getting at here is they are an unstoppable bumbling force to be reckoned with. In the words of many a trucker hat and printed T-shirt: “If you’re going to be dumb, you better be tough”

Well there you have it Boils and Ghouls! a list of evil teammates who, in retrospect, would be fired within a week at any other occupation for their constant and unrelenting jackassery. Til next time uhhh …  goddamn it where are those Cryptkeeper writers when I need a good pun.

5 worst celebrity music “careers”

Hey Celebrities: you have some nerve you greedy sons of bitches. is it not enough that you can act, are most often beautiful (omitting Willem Dafoe and 3/4 of the Baldwins of course) and have shittons of money and fame? Do you really need to start a singing career too? well i see how it is. If you do insist on this then at least allow me to make a list making fun of your efforts on a mildly popular internet blog. Thank you.

1. Bruce Willis.

he's either mid-wink or mid-stroke

wow. you really should have stuck with blowing things up in a torn muscle shirt. We all love your witty comebacks, what we don’t love is you playing the harmonica for an awkward amount of time.

Yuck.

For some bizarre reason he went by the moniker Bruno for this album. If you’re going to go those lengths maybe try and disguise yourself a little better so when the inevitable humiliation arrives you could at least claim it wasn’t you on the album cover. It worked well for Chris Gaines.

...wait wait, hold the phone...you mean Chris Gaines is Garth Brooks? WITCHCRAFT

 

Anyways, every single song on his album was a cover except for one entitled “Jackpot (Bruno’s Bop)” Read that over one more time. I’ll wait.

“Jackpot (Bruno’s Bop)”

That is the most uncomfortable title for a song ever. Rumour has it Patti Smith was originally going to call one of her songs this but decided to go for the less terrible title of “Rock and Roll Nigger” Good call on her part.

so this Asshat even had a music video which i am going to share with you because i dont really like you that much and want you to suffer. Enjoy!

Ironically the songs title is Respect yourself even though this video gives him no reason to respect himself in any way possible. did you watch the entire thing? my soul died as soon as he sexily propped himself up between two pool tables and sang into a broom handle. Stick to being Demi Moores ex wife you jackass.

2. Eddie Murphy

so i guess this wasn't the only failure in his career?

He is the inspiration for this article because last weekend my friend and i actually listened to his one and only single “My girl likes to party all the time” and yes, we loved every minute of it.

Im going to assume Murphy was doing insane amounts of blow at the time and thought to himself:

“hey, its the 80’s, im popular and i like girls. and partying. and blow. and patent red leather jackets. and blow. and girls. and blow. DING DING DING MUSIC CAREER!”

 

these guys also had the same idea after doing copious amounts of coke. for some reason it didn't work out for them.

 

His song was and still is extremely catchy and get ready for it to be stuck in your head for days:

whoa whoa whoa, did you guys just see what i saw? god damn Rick James. I know where you want me to go with this and i am not making a Chappelle show reference, that is sooooo 2005 (??)

Anyways, wow hey? My favorite thing about this music video is the decision to not include either girls or partying. They assumed we’d get the point anyways.  But check out his Album cover:

somewhere a hipster is frothing at the mouth for the chance to ironically add this to their record collection

I love the juxtaposition of his unhappy face next to the phrase “party all the time”  I know you’re really smiling on the inside because you’re so excited about your gold medallion/shiny shirt combo Eddie, dont hide your inner light. let it out.

3. Minnie Driver

Minnie and her drivers

yes i was shocked at first too. how can a barely relevant actress come out with an even less relevant musical career? well this girl who you can’t quite figure out whether or not is pretty did it.

I randomly saw her CD like 4 years ago at a Gas Station which i thought was hilarious. The Old woman serving me did not, but i guess thats why she works in a gas station and i make the big bucks   nothing. fuck.

Anywho i was going to include one of her music videos but her music is just so terribly generic i decided not to, just think of any song you would hear being played at the bank on a soft rock station and there you have it.

I also totally forgot until just now that she was in Phantom of the Opera and she sang in that and i guess it was ok but she really got overshadowed by the phantoms sexy singing voice. and sexy tuxedo. and sexy cape. and sexy burned face. So really what im saying here is i would rather listen to a mutated kidnapper/molester of opera singers then her.

4. Scarlett Johansson

scarlett and her johanssons

I hate this girl. There, i said it. I’m not even entirely too sure why i hate her, i just know that i do. Hopefully Im not alone on this and years down the road it will be revealed she had a killing shack out in the woods or something.

I used to work in a CD store and when her CD was out i was forced to look at it on a daily basis. something about it pissed me off so much and i think it was because it looks extremely artsy in a really forced way.

WE GET IT. YOU'RE ARTSY AND ALTERNATIVE. OOOH TYPEWRITER FONT? HOW VINTAGE. GET FUCKED.

Maybe my rage is completely unfounded but i will tell you this. We Didn’t sell a single one of these CDs and each time i passed a huge stack of these it was like a small victory for me.

So lets have a listen shall we?

Jesus Christ! that was awful! wow she has a real baritone thing going on doesn’t she. Goddamn I hate her. Maybe i’m a little biased but i think i would rather go back to listening to Eddie Murphy.

5. Joey Lawrence/Brian Austin Green

"OH MY GOD EARLY 90'S TELEVISION STARS AHHHHHH!!!"

I lumped these two dicks together because they both had the same idea whispered in their ears by some agent

“girls love watching you, girls would love listening to you sing ballads!”

And how right they were! for about 5 weeks im sure they were extremely popular with the ladies of the early 90’s

Joey had his rise to fame by playing Blossoms retarded (??) brother and had that goddamn catch phrase of “whoa!” I really have no idea how one word can be a catch phrase, but thats really not the point here. The point is he was a total dreamboat and every girl ever (myself included) was in love with him.

I really wish the "vest with no shirt underneath" look would come back

I remember when they included Joeys music video in an episode of Blossom by making Joey fall asleep on the couch and have  a dream of this totally 90’s music video:

If an Alien ever landed on my front door and asked me to explain the 90’s to him i would just show him this video. Good god was that amazing or what? I truly believe there’s nothing Joey Lawrence’s love wont fix for me.

The last time i saw him was guest starring on CSI New York as a serial rapist who cut womans eyelids off so i guess things are still going good for him.

the most fearsome killer known to man

Moving onto our friend David Silver aka Brian Austin Green.I friggin love 90210 and David was my favorite character. Sure he started out kind of nerdy but once he witnessed his best friend shooting himself in the face and got addicted to meth his looks really started turning around. (hint hint ugly people) somewhere along the line he had somewhat of a musical career in the show and i guess he forgot it was a fictional plot line because Brian Austin Green legitimately tried to have a music career.

what are you too good for the Austin now that you're a big music star?

He chose the unfortunate route of White rapper and well, the results were disastrous:

I..I don’t even know what to say. Wow. just…Wow. hahaha good god.  His singing on 90210 was much, much better:

Ahaha I have laughed my ass off to that clip more times then I can remember. God i love youtube.

Brian Austin Green has lately been seen looking really hot, banging Megan Fox and I guess he’s on Smallville? (apparently that show is still on?) either way, he is clearly doing better than his buddy Joey “Whoa” Lawrence.

 

BONUS SINISE EDITION

as you may or may not know, i goddamn love Gary Sinise and once i found out he was in a band i nearly hyperventilated. oh but it gets better you guys the band is called Gary Sinise and the Lieutenant  Dan band.

Gary Sinise and the Lieutenant Dan band

Gary Sinise and the Lieutenant Dan band

Gary Sinise and the Lieutenant Dan band

Jesus christ how amazing is that?? fuck i love this man. If anyone can get away with naming a band after a disenchanted Lieutenant whoget both his legs blown off in Vietnam but eventually overcomes diversity to run a successful shrimp company and marry a korean woman its Gary. Playing this character in a movie probably didn’t hurt either.

Keep on Truckin'!

 Anyways he currently performs with his band unlike the rest of these one trick ponies. you know his secret? He’s the Bass Player. No one can hate or love the bass player, they’re always just there. Theres a simple truth about Gary Sinise, he is a noble man and i love him despite the fact he loves the US Army. In fact i probably love him as much as he loves the US Army which is a lot. 

well no wonder he loves the army! look at that precious little guy

 He performs on army barracks and shit i guess and in random blues bars. goddamn i would lose my mind if i saw this live. That being said, my birthday is coming up in a short 6 months.

So there ya have it! some actors who tried and failed and one actor who tried and sort of succeeded enough so it isn’t a hilarious blemish on his life. Shockingly enough there is still several more celebrity singers and i’ll get to those one day too (if you’re lucky)