5 things I learned from New Moon

Well it happened you guys. I went and saw New Moon. This movie has taught me so much and it turns out I have been living my life all wrong and there are several ways I could improve myself and therefore find my one true love. Not getting shitty drunk on whiskey in a teen romance movie and stumbling headfirst into a cardboard cut out in the lobby might have been a good place to start but it’s too late to go back in time. So lets take a look at what this masterpiece of cinema taught me

 

1. Be as boring as possible and people will like you

 

I think the actors in this movie got paid by the “ok” and “umm” because my god is this dialogue awkward. Now the films protagonist is Bella Swan who despite having a borderline pornstar name, has lots of friends and a totally hunky boyfriend. She is also possibly the least likeable character in any franchise since Slippy the toad in Starfox.

 

FFFUUUCK I HATE YOU WHY DIDNT FOX JUST LET YOU DIE

 

 

In the first 10 minutes of the film it is explained its her birthday which she inexplicably hates. Her Dad gives her a digital camera for her birthday and she seriously says “this is sort of great” say that sentence out loud in your most bored voice. That is exactly how it sounded.  She goes to school and awkwardly takes pictures of her friends who are all way more exciting and fun than her and I sort of wish the movie was about them instead.

 

minus that asian boy (??) of course.

 

 

She then receives a present from her Indian friend Jacob and remarks that he should go to school with her and the rest of the PALE FACES. THE TERM PALE FACES WAS USED IN A TEEN ROMANCE MOVIE FROM 2009. Also the gift he gives her is a goddamn dream catcher so I was losing my shit and spilling fireball all over myself in the theater.

 

Jacobs highschool photo

 

My point is this: She is fucking boring as shit and has nothing to bring to the table whatsoever. She doesn’t have nice cans or a Nintendo Wii so I have no idea why she is popular and has two dudes fighting over her. Maybe I should stop being fucking rad and resign myself to a life of mumbling and making uncomfortable small talk and I will become the toast of the town. But all the stammering  and awkward silences in the world couldn’t save Bella in the end because after her boyfriends crazy brother tries to eat her (and not in the sexy way) he dumps her ass in the woods and peaces out. Which brings me to my next lesson

2. If you get dumped, go batshit crazy

 

"It worked for me!"

 

 

I’m not exactly sure how long Edward and Bella date for, but I think it’s somewhere along a year. And we all know 17 year old love is the purest love of all so understandably Bella loses her fucking mind when her first boyfriend that she has not even slept with yet breaks up with her. There is a montage of her sitting at a window as the seasons pass and there are several scenes of her screaming herself awake because the pain is too great. I don’t know about you guys but I have never screamed myself awake. I have farted myself awake, but never screamed myself awake. Maybe she picked up a heroin habit somewhere along the line and saw a baby crawling on the ceiling.

 

"maybe reverse head baby will date me now that Edward is gone"

 

 

But alas, that is not the case. She is just mental. I’m surprised they didn’t add a scene of her hacking into his email or her changing her facebook status to single and making all her statuses lyrics to linkin park songs. She does, however, email his family every fucking day. After doing this for several months she decides she’s tired of screaming herself awake every night and decides to go hang out with that Indian kid. Everything seems to be looking up for the most boring girl in history because of one simple rule

3. To get over your boyfriend dumping you, just string some other chump along

 

Instead of trying to solve her emotional issues herself and get over being dumped, she decides to just hang out with Jacob all the time because she doesn’t want to be alone and as a cold-hearted bitch, enjoys being a cocktease as the saying goes “If you can’t be with the one you love, hang out with an Indian kid” Despite having some rip roarin times at the Indian reservation, she still misses Edward. Even after she finds out that Jacob and his shirtless jean short wearing friends are all werewolves, she still misses her way less cool movie monster boyfriend. This is when she discovers something I don’t fully understand.

Bella discovers that if she does dangerous things like ride on the back of a strangers motorcycle or eat at Chinese buffets, then Edward will appear as a hologram(?) and tell her to smarten the fuck up. On the plus side, this really opened the floodgates for me to make tons of Star Wars jokes but other then that I was really baffled by the whole thing.

 

 

FUCK YES. WHY IS STAR WARS SO AMAZING

 

 

It was never really clear if she was just slowly losing her mind or if he somehow learned to astro project himself into a dapper looking hologram or what. Maybe every time she ate an apple without washing it, somewhere in the world Edward was having a seizure as his soul left his body to tell her to wash it and take the sticker off.

 

"You know what I hate? Ghosts in dinner jackets...oh shit, there's one behind me isn't there?"

 

 

So Bella shakes her A cups at Jacob and convinces him to help her fix up some old bikes so she can tool around on those and get off on seeing her ex boyfriends ghost weiner through his ghost trousers. (what a bitch) After a lackluster “fixin’ stuff up montage” they complete the bikes and she promptly drives straight into a rock.  Jacob runs over and takes off his shirt to dab at her gushing head wound and everyone in the theater lost their shit.

 

MAN CAPRIS

 

 

This kid is goddamn 17 years old. He is apparently a new sex symbol but I can’t get over the fact that he was born in 1992. Full grown women are all over this kids jock and it makes no goddamn sense. I mean, I know Robert Pattinson is pale and british but at least he can legally vote and get trashy drunk in nightclubs, so he is clearly the winner of the two. Hey all you Jacob fans: If you are over the age of 18 here is someone you probably have a lot in common with:

 

"hey justice system, you wanna come over and hang out in my hot tub?"

 

 

But I digress. Sometime later Bella realizes the ultimate rush is jumping off of cliffs into the Ocean. No one ever said she was smart. She gets saved by Jacob and his pack of shirtless Indians. Bella returns home from a fun-filled day of almost drowning and finds Edwards sister in her house spazzing out because she had a vision that Bella died. Which brings me to my next lesson

4. If you hurt yourself, your ex will come back

your new BFF

It’s true ladies. If you get dumped, your best course of action is to lurk around your ex and cause a gigantic public scene or phone him in the middle of the night claiming you ate a bunch of pills. Or, if you don’t have pills nearby and don’t like causing public scenes, then just fake your own death and see what happens. In this case, Edward acts like a total bitch and realizes he loved her all along and can’t live without her so he decides to go to Italy and piss off the only cool vampires in the entire movie, therefore forcing them to kill him.

Bella heads to Italy to save him and there actually an action scene (!!!) but it only lasts a few minutes and Edward was wearing a weird snuggie during it so I was really thrown off my game. The end result of this encounter is that if Bella and Edward want to not be killed by these vampire badasses then he has to turn her into a vampire and he’s pretty pissed about it but Bella is stoked. Which brings me to my last point

5. If you get your boyfriend back then fuck everything else

pictured: the only reason for living

 

So Edward is pretty bummed that he has to turn his lady into a vampire because well, they are damned ghouls from beyond the grave that could get murdered by Blade at any minute. Bella is all for it though because now that she had Edward she doesn’t need friends or family or a soul! All she needs is her first and only boyfriend that has already dumped her once after dating for a year and who she has never even seen without his pants on. Their love is so pure! At the end of the movie he says he will only change her into a vampire if she agrees to marry him. Wow! how could she say no? I mean, most girls that get married at age 18 have no regrets at all! KUDOS TO YOU NEW MOON. Oh yea, and she pretty much tells Jacob to fuck off because now Edward is back in the picture. What a bitch.

So there you have it. Depressing isn’t it? the most absurd part of the entire thing is this book series was written by a woman. Why would a woman choose to make such an unlikeable female protagonist when she ultimately chose everything that character did and said? Bella could have been a sweet bikini warrior riding on a polar bear with a huge broadsword, railing dudes in different towns and shooting people in the goddamn face. Fuck that would have ruled.

what could have been

 

 

 

 

 

Ihop: where dreams go to die

 

you greasy son of a bitch

 

 

Dante had it all wrong. There are not nine levels of hell my friends, there are ten. Ihop is that tenth level. It is a place where you will suffer for all eternity in a ripped vinyl booth being served half-cooked eggs by a waitress named Trudy. The horror.

Now for those of you not familiar with the wasteland that is Ihop, it is a pancake restaurant. More specifically; it is the International house of pancakes. Sounds classy hey? WRONG. It is probably the most disgusting place I can ever imagine, and I once imagined…well it’s not important. The point is: this place is awful. This is a restaurant that once served this:

oh my good god

This was a promotional pancake that came out to promote the movie Horton hears a who. It is called a who cake. As in “who the fuck would serve this to their child”  or “who the fuck other than a drunk person on a dare would ever eat this” I mean are you serious with this? If you legitimately take your kid to Ihop and let them eat a huge stack of chocolate chip pancakes you are just the worst. Anyways, back to my terrible tale

After a night of drinking and posing for pictures that made it look like bear statues were sucking our dicks, my friends and I were pretty goddamn hungover and decided to hit up the ol’ Ihop for some greasy hangover cure. This is probably where we went wrong. And by probably, I mean most definitely.

 

I googled "bear statue" and this came up. This joke writes itself!

 

 

Right off the bat as soon as we entered the “restaurant” we were forced to stare at the back of a woman’s leather jacket emblazoned with a sexy Betty Boop staring blankly out at us. Not a good start.

 

so...is she a hooker or...?

 

 

After being seated and presented with the menu I noticed they had a dessert section. Wtf? 50% of all things on the menu already ended in the word cake so why the hell do they have a dessert section? more importantly can you imagine the kind of person that would order a stack of pancakes with a fucking fruit crepe for dessert? I can. And they sat right next to us.

I cannot put into words how goddamn gross this family was. They were seriously like animals. I wanted to kidnap the children and let them free in the parking lot because I’m confident that the crows eating garbage in the handicapped space would do a better job of raising them then these miscreant parents.  We got to Ihop at probably 11 and these people plunked down next to us and the father ordered a beer almost instantly. I didn’t even know all day breakfast places served beer, let alone at 11 in the fucking morning.

 

pictured: breakfast (????)

 

 

So their food comes and I am not lying about what I am about to explain: The mom scooped up scrambled eggs with her bare hands and ate it. My cat has better table manners then this wench and he eats beetles on a regular basis. I seriously could not believe what I was seeing. Who does this? My god I hate Ihop. It is honestly the grossest place I have ever been and the food is so terrible and I think they know that so they think if they give you a huge amount of it you will forget about how shitty the food is because you’re too busy trying not to vomit into your hands at the table. Let’s take a look at some of their “delicious” menu items:

 

 

"syrup whipped cream pile"

 

 

This is horrid. I can barely see any sort of bread at all under all this frigging sugar. When we were there, my friend ordered chocolate chip pancakes and they had powdered sugar all over them. I think his face and Hamlets face after he accidentally stabbed Polonius through that drape were exactly the same. That look that says “what have I done???” Am I comparing ordering pancakes at Ihop to accidentally murdering someone? Yes. Yes I am.

One of the most delightful items they have to offer is this little gem:

 

before you ask, no I have no idea what the hell that yellow thing is.

 

 

That is a country fried chicken steak. Gross. I don’t know about you guys but I personally do not enjoy eating food with a mysterious white substance all over it.

 

So am I being too hard on Ihop? No. If anything I’m not being hard enough. (haha) The only people who should ever eat at this place or Dennys for that matter are drunks and old people. Or drunk old people. Now if you excuse me, I’m going to go to a real restaurant with delicious food that isn’t at all repulsive to all five senses: Arbys.

 

 

WTF: These movies were actually made?

Remember in Indiana Jones when the Nazi’s opened up the lost ark and their faces melted off? Well instead of being fragments of the 10 commandments in that thing,  there is a good chance that it could have contained any of these movies.

Howard the Duck

wait so he was born smoking a cigar? is this about a duck version of George Burns?

This movie is possibly the worst movie ever made. If you watch it I guarantee you will say “I can’t believe this was made” at least 7 times during it. The plot is as follows…(I swear I am not making this up)

Howard, a wise-cracking duck from outer space, is accidentally brought to Earth through a laser beam in an experiment being performed by a physicist. He ends up in Cleveland where he makes friends with a rock singer and they stop alien invaders known as the Dark Overlords from overtaking Earth.

Yes. That movie was made. The thing I find most upsetting is that a team of people worked on this movie and at no time did one of them call a Time-out to question if making a movie about a talking duck fighting aliens was a really good idea. You would think that as soon as the phrase “Wise cracking Duck from outer space” was uttered in a movie pitch meeting, a telephone would be immediately hurled at that person’s head but no.

what the actual fuck.

Also, Tim Robbins was in this for some fucking reason and I really want to bring it up to him if I ever meet him. I think it would really freak him out.

So how bad was Howard the Duck? let’s read some reviews:

“It really is that bad.” – Filmcritic.com

“Possibly worse than its reputation” – New York Times

“Was it supposed to be bad?” – Montreal Film Journal

and it goes on like that. To be fair, this movie was made in a crazy time: The 80’s. Things were different then; shoulder pads, WHAM!, Reaganomics. Maybe Howard could have been great if it wasn’t made in such tumultuous times. But probably not. In fact, definitely not. Look at this shit:

Whoa. Does…does he get busy with that girl? What the shit? I.. I need to move on from this..I’m getting far to upset.

Theodore Rex

So uhhh. wow.

Wow this movie is possibly worse than Howard the duck. Let me set the scene for you: It stars Whoopi Goldberg as a futuristic cop who is paired with a talking dinosaur to solve a mystery.

Read that again. This was actually made. You would think since this came out like 10 years after Howard the duck they would have learned, but  no. This movie was so bad that Whoopi actually tried to get out of her contract and leave halfway during filming and the studio decided to send it direct to video at the last second because it was so goddamn terrible.

I feel like some hooded figure jumped out from the shadows and ambushed the film exec to whisper something about a “prophecy being foretold of a movie so terrible it will destroy society itself” and when the film exec turned around to demand who sent him, the hooded man just disappeared in a puff of smoke. Actually doesn’t that sort of sound like a better movie?

"...you must also find the jade monkey before midnight"

This was on TV last night and I totally lost my mind because I forgot about it entirely and I started flailing around yelling at my boyfriend to come quick and see. When he ran into the living room he was less than pleased to be greeted with Whoopi highfiving a dinosaur. Although once he ran into a room  because we were all yelling about some nice boobs on tv but we all lied and it was actually Kathy Bates topless in a hot tub so it clearly wasn’t the worst thing he’s ever seen.

Kathy you whore. STAY AWAY FROM MY MAN.

Are you guys ready to watch the trailer? Im warning you in advance it contains at least 4 scenes of the dinosaur hitting people with his tail, and one bizarre scene of the dinosaur throwing cookies at his own face.

Uh so apparently there are also other dinosaurs? What the hell kind of world is this taking place in? Also is it just me or was the most upsetting thing about this entire movie Whoopi’s outfit? shudder.

Any ________ – Movie

 

I would like it better if they fit in at least 16 more pop culture references

 

 

Let me make this clear right off the bat: I actually love Scary movie 1-4. They have their place in life, and that place is for me to watch them in my undies on Sunday morning while I’m hungover as shit.

These things are seriously pumped out like 3 times a year and It really, really needs to end. The first of its kind was Date Movie and I gave it a shot, I really did. Matt and I took our only child, Bottle of Jager to that movie and even then we didn’t laugh. We just ended up gesturing drunkingly towards the screen while shouting obscenities.

 

your father and I love you very much

 

 

These movies are so bad they actually hurt. I didn’t laugh at all through Date Movie and I was goddamn wasted. I don’t know how someone could write something so terrible and not be working on the Jay Leno show.

 

I don't have a witty comment here, I just geniunely think he is terrible and not funny at all.

 

 

without seeing any of these movies I know that there is going to be at least one scene of a fart blowing someone away, a midget breakdancing, and at least one scene of someone violently shitting themselves. I know the phrase  “violently shitting themselves” is pretty hilarious, but trust me It won’t be once it’s in one of these movies.

They are just one shitty, poorly executed pop culture reference after another and they really need to end. They already covered pretty much every genre in film so I don’t really know what else they could do.

 

if they make a joke about Britney Spears being a bad parent they could have a winner on their hands

 

 

Crossroads

so carefree and fun! I WANT TO BE THEM.

Oh god this movie. I watched this when I was like 15 and even then I knew it was terrible and this was a time in my life when I listened to Backstreet boys constantly on repeat and I ate Alphagettis for lunch at least once a week. So clearly I wasn’t the smartest tool in the shed.

me at age 15

I obviously know why this movie was made; Britney Spears was a goddamn cash cow at the time and there was no way it couldn’t have made money. The question I am proposing to you all is this: Why was it so fucking terrible? It seriously made no sense at all.

Britney and two girls go on a roadtrip to rekindle their friendship and so she can become famous or something. Pretty ok plot, but somehow in a movie aimed directly at teen girls the following things happen:

-One of her friends is pregnant after being raped

-She later falls down the stairs thus aborting the baby

-Britney meets her real mom who then tells her she never wanted her

-Britney gets nailed against a window by a dude

-Dan Akroyd is in this for some unknown reason (I’m hoping some blackmail was involved)

 

I’m not even kidding when I tell you the character who loses the baby gets over it in under 4 minutes. I dont know why a movie would bring up such a loaded subject only to spend less time on it then they do a scene where Britney sings in a karaoke bar. But at least it taught girls the old heave-ho trick if they want to abort their kid

 

hint hint

 

 

This movie was, I’m sure loved by idiot kids but I’m sure the parents sitting next to them in the theater were quite distressed about the entire thing and were dreading having the “when a man and a woman love each other very much sometimes the man will have sex against a hotel window with that woman” talk on the car ride home.

Let’s see what the masses had to say about Crossroads:

“Dull, a road-trip movie that’s surprisingly short of both adventure and song.”- LA Weekly

“I never looked at my watch so often during a movie.” – Variety

“I love this movie!!” – Youtube User TwilightFansLA

“OMG this is my #1 favorite movie ever in the wooorrrlllddd!
i’ve already watched it like 7 times in a row! haha” – Youtube User oliviarox

Well clearly the opinions are varied. Varied and retarded.

 

So is there a place for these movies? I believe there is. I know of some top men that should really examine these. Top men.

 

 

fashion trends that need to go away forever.

I may not be the most fashionable person: I do own at least 8 pairs of pajamas pants and no less than 6 have massive rips in the crotch. But when I have to leave the house, I take off my crotchless PJ pants with dogs printed all over them because I know that they are offensive to everyone and possibly seductive for others. If you wear any of the following items you are the crotch ripped pants to my eyes of society. Does that make sense?

1. Crocs

Stop! Stop! I've seen enough

You sons of bitches, this has been a long time coming you shitty pseudo-rubber sandals/shoes. YOU ARE AN ABOMINATION. The following is a list of acceptable circumstances to be wearing crocs in:

• Gardening
• If you are a small child and had no say in the matter
• If you are a douchey hipster and you are wearing them “Ironically”
• If you are 65+ and don’t know any better
• If you have been locked in an underground bunker for the past 25 years and have no fashion sense a la Blast from the Past starring Brendan Fraser

you would think a photo of Brendan Fraser where he doesn't look completely shitfaced would be a better choice but i guess not

That’s really about it. Now to be fair, I have worn a pair of Crocs before and they are pretty comfortable but they have suffered from the same fate as the smart-car . Good idea, terrible packaging. Hey guys, next time throw your comfy croc shoe sole into a goddamn sneaker or some shit.

How much would you pay for a pair of Crocs? did you answer a small amount of string? Because thats all I would give anyone for a pair of these beasts. That and a swift uppercut to the chops. But no, after a quick look at their official website these fucking things are like 30 to 40 bucks. REALLY? I would rather wear gladd bags on my feet then these monstrosities. You know what? I would rather wear Mr.Burns endangered rhino slippers than these.

Come to think of it that vest is pretty nice too.

2. Any and all clothing with any Looney Tune characters on it.

If anything has ruined Looney Tunes for me its the fact that I fucking hate Tweety bird (is it a boy or a girl? JUST TELL ME) and that I goddamn hate people who wear clothes that have these characters on it. Just stop.

Thankfully any run-ins that I do have with these articles of clothing seem to be contained exclusively to Wal-Mart check outs.

It needs more fat people on scooters to be a legit Walmart line up

I have no idea where these people are buying these clothes because I havent seen these being sold in stores since 1994.

possibly from here?

The only thing worse than your standard looney tunes shirts are the “extreme” looney tunes shirts. You know the ones. Taz is standing with his arms crossed wearing a bandana…a word bubble beneath his feet asks you “What’s your problem?” Or a smug looking Bugs Bunny looks out at you from the front of a stretched out T-shirt, proclaiming that he is “90% angel, 10% devil”

Or this baffling visual:

So is Tweety bird Chinese? What the hell is going on.

The good name of Looney Tunes has been drug through the dirt enough, please just let them Rest in peace. The only Looney Tunes merchandise I would purchase would be a confederate flag with Foghorn Leghorn superimposed over top of it. Think about it. It seems to fit doesnt it?

3. Shirts as Dresses

oops! you left your pants, self worth and your fathers love at home.

In the winter I like to play a fun game. I call it “drive past bar line ups and laugh at all the sluts freezing their asses off in mini skirts” If you insist on wearing  a dress/shirt out to the bar in the winter, at least wear tights underneath or at the very least wear pants and then coat check them. You can do that. I have done it. (please dont judge me Mom)

"describe my jacket? Its the one that's a pair of pants. you heard me"

The point is sluts need to stop doing this. Certain shirts are long enough to wear as a dress and do look really cute with tights underneath. I start to have a problem when I have to see the bottom of your asscheeks if I’m walking up the stairs behind you.

I mean, at least put on these tasteful jeans.

Seriously. JUST STOP. Unless your goal is to save time when you are being raped in the darkened parking lot behind the bar then there is no reason to be wearing a T-Shirt as a goddamn dress. If I see a girl wearing an outfit like this, I automatically assume that she will love the song Crazy Bitch and that she will drink 4 beers and end up screaming on her blackberry to her ex boyfriend. Think about it, you know I’m right.

But honestly girls, you will probably attract a lot more guys if you are dressed normally, and if you don’t then at least you can take solace in the fact that you are better than this girl:

I'm pretty sure my cat is better as well. And possibly my cats

whats up bitches?

hey jerks, as you may have noticed i re-did my blog. I think it looks pretty nifty if i do say so myself. plus see that search bar in the corner? you can type shit in there and whenever i mentioned it in a blog it will come up, which is cool and apparently i used the word “fuck” and “xfiles” alot which is honestly not all that surprising. I also put a list of blogs and websites i go to all the damn time so check those out but DONT YOU DARE leave me for those blogs. If you do i’m taking the dog.

are my childhood crushes still relevant?

As I am almost in my autumn years (25) i decided to take some time to reflect on my innocent youth spent pining over various boyband members and in one case a man in his 30’s named David. So do i still want to make out with these boys? Lets find out!

ps- I clearly still want to make out with David so i didn’t even bother putting him on this list. (call me!)

Val Kilmer

Then:

my inner 14 year old is screaming in joy.

man, I was a messed up kid. Why did i think Val kilmer was handsome when I was probably 14 years old? Dont get me wrong, he was pretty handsome and also Batman so he has that working for him. But I probably should have been digging on Hanson or some shit.  I used to watch The Saint all the goddamn time despite having a very weak grasp on the plot. I think it had something to do with the cold war? All I know is he took his shirt off at least once. I also loved him in Willow because I have a weird thing for dirty medieval men. I’m not even joking about that, it is 100% true.

Schwing!

My love for Val started waning around the time The Island of Dr. Moreau came out possibly because that movie was so fucking awful, or possibly because I spent most of that movie looking at this:

isn't it always so embarrassing when someone comes to a party in the same outfit you're wearing?

My love for him sort of went away once I became obsessed with i think Mel Gibson? Jesus Christ i need help.

Now:

 

Well it could be worse. Do I want to bang him? No. Would I make out with him if I had the chance? Probably but just for novelty sake. Apparently his ego is really writing checks his body can’t cash, and by the looks of things those checks bounced at the local gym.

My boyfriend just saw him in some movie called Felon where he played a prison inmate who either got raped or did the raping…hang on a sec i’ll ask. Well after staring at me for several awkward seconds Matt told me there was no raping at all and that I’m a sicko. Anyways apparently the movie was really good but it’s still not enough to let him touch my breasts.

Jonathan Brandis

Then:

 

well this is going straight into my locker i can tell you that much.

 

Oh man i had the hots for this kid in a big way. Remember the never-ending story part 2? not only a million times better than the original, it also had this total babe in it as the main character. My god he was cute. He was very non-threatening looking so i felt like he would just want to hold my hand and not take things too fast.

He was also in SeaQuest DSV which was a Star Trek type deal but in the ocean? I cant remember but i used to watch it religiously mainly because of this kid and they also had a super smart dolphin in it that i think might have been able to talk. Sweet.

 

or maybe it just wore backpacks? either way: Sweet

 

 

Now:

Well uhhh he’s dead. Wow that really puts a damper on things. I was sort of wondering where he has been and by “sort of” i mean “never” but wow, that sucks. Not only because he probably would have aged like a fine wine but because this total eliminates any chance for a seaquest reunion. well lets see what he looked like before he died

 

wait...what?

 

 

Good god! I take back what I said about him aging like a fine wine.what the hell man? When did he magically transform into a fratboy named Doug? Turns out this guy hung himself which is actually pretty sad. especially when he had fans like this:

http://members.tripod.com/Jacie_Lynn/JonBrandis.html

haha that website was so amazing! did you read the story about how she got an autographed 1995 calendar from him after he was unable to take her to prom? hahaha i seriously cant stop laughing. But it gets pretty sad at the end with the little blurb about how he killed himself. Maybe if he had stumbled upon this poorly designed eyesore of a website he never would have done it. We will never know.

But anyways, would i bang him? No. Would i bang his ghost? umm maybe. But to be honest, probably not. I only thought he was good looking when he was like 17 so that would make a me rapist…a ghost rapist. A person who rapes ghosts. And quite frankly I don’t need that on my plate.

The Motherfuckin’ Red Ranger

Then:

 

 

Thats right bitches. I used to love the Power Rangers. My friend Jess and I had all the toys between us and once i accidently snapped the friggin wings off her Goldar toy and I know she still holds a grudge about it to this day (Sorry Jess) But she also kicked me in the nose once when we were kung fu fighting on the trampoline so I say we’re even.

Anyways, Jason the Red Ranger was my jam back then. He was the leader AND his robot was a goddamn T-Rex. I rest my case.  He actually wasn’t all that good looking and to be honest, I think I knew that even then. But I guess I just needed someone to love and it sure as hell wasn’t going to be that goddamn annoying robot. WE GET IT JUST SHUT UP.

 

Even at a young age i wanted to smack your goddamn head off.

 

 

Ugh. So since even then I was apparently more attracted to his leadership powers and sweet robot dinosaur, the odds are not looking good that I would let him make out with me today. lets find out though!

Now:

 

 

ARGHHH

 

 

AH! when I saw this I started laughing so hard I started wheezing. hahah what the hell man? Didn’t he know martial arts and whatnot? good god. And the bluetooth? Fuck. Anyways he doesn’t act anymore at all and apparently is a paramedic now which is a career that commands a lot more respect then being a power ranger. Well i guess he’s doing better than the yellow ranger (Spoiler alert – She’s dead)

So no, I would never ever let this guy even brush up against me in an elevator. Wow…This article is really destroying my precious childhood memories.

Just for fun, lets take a look and see what Jess’ favorite ranger (Tommy the green ranger)  is looking like these day:

 

OH WHAT THE FUCK. THIS IS BULLSHIT.

 

Goddamn it. So Jason got all bloated and Tommy is a fucking MMA fighter. YOU BLEW IT YOUNG RIGBY.

 

Cary Elwes

Then:

 

his eyes are saying to me "get off your laptop, out of your terry cloth shorts and into my bed"

 

 

Can we please talk about how great The Princess Bride was? It had Fred Savage. Andre the Giant and giant mutant rats.That movie is a goddamn classic and Cary Elwes is friggin breathtaking in it. First off, he was super cute as the farmboy

 

my ovaries!

 

 

but then once he got kidnapped by pirates he started wearing all black, grew a mustache and learned how to swordfight. FUCK YES. That is literally everything I want in a man. Seriously.

When I was younger I used to watch this movie all the time and I will probably watch it as soon as I’m done writing this because that’s just how lame I am. I actually totally forgot about Cary Elwes and so did the rest of the world until a little ditty called Saw came out..

Now:

 

umm you're busy, I'll come back later.

 

 

Well as you can see he is currently sawing his goddamn foot off in a desperate attempt to escape a diabolical murder device. When I first saw, umm..Saw. (awkward) I was all “Holy shit! the dead guy in the middle of the room was alive the whole time!” then shortly after I was all “HOLY SHIT THATS WESLEY FROM THE PRINCESS BRIDE” clearly the latter was more shocking to me since I put it in capslock. Lets see if theres a better angle

 

well I saw this going a lot worse. A LOT.

 

 

Well not too bad actually. Probably the best out of all the other candidates on this list, which isn’t too much of an accomplishment since one is a skeleton. But either way he is actually pretty handsome. So would I make out with him? Why yes, yes I would.

Success! We found one dude that I would still be seen in public with! So I guess this stroll down memory lane has been worth it in the long run. We had some laughs, found out some people we haven’t thought about since 1994 were dead. All in all I’m pretty pleased.

I watched Transformers 2. I no longer fear death.

 

 

pretend theres some explosions and giant robots around her. There, you just saved yourself 5 bucks.

 

 

 

 

Ugh. you guys. I watched Transformers 2. In my defense, I saw the first one when it came out and i thought it was sort of OK and I have made my boyfriend watch numerous terrible movies and a lot of Xfiles and The Mighty Boosh, so I figured I would let him pick the movie. NEVER AGAIN.

 

My god i love this show

 

 

This movie is so beyond terrible it is laughable. It is almost in the “so bad it’s funny” category of movies but not quite, since it takes itself way too seriously. It’s…It’s just awful. It is 2 and a half hours too long and there is a lot of fucking terrible shit that I am going to talk about so strap yourself in for the long haul.  To make it fun, see if you can count how many times I curse out Michael Bay for allowing this abomination to assault my senses.

 

you sick fuck.

 

 

The movie starts with – I shit you not -  a 15 minute fight scene with so many explosions neither one of us had any idea which robots were good and which were bad.  I honestly just wanted all of them to explode.

After tons of NON STOP ACTION!!!!! The “plot” started to develop. Apparently in the sequel the Decepticons are still huge dicks and want to either destroy earth or live on it, they either never really made their intentions clear or I don’t give a shit. Probably the latter.

So  Shia LeBeef is hanging out at home reflecting on his time with the alien robots and what it was like on the set of Even Stevens when he somehow finds a weird metal sliver which promptly melts through the floor and turns all of the kitchen appliances into weird evil robots. Which are then destroyed by the robot living in his garage. ROBOTS!

 

ROBOTS! also how amazing would it be if Transformers looked like this? haha the 50's

 

 

After this weird plotpoint, Megan Fox rolls over on her sweet motorcycle (that she poses sexily on no less than twice I might add) and is pissed he’s leaving for college or something?  So he goes off to College and there is a really odd scene in which his Mom buys a pot brownie from a college kid and then eats it which causes her to act super drunk and fall all over the place. I was sort of hoping the movie would start following her around, but no. Also his dad says “That brownie has REEFER in it!” which was well, quite frankly amazing.

 

Transformers 2: Moms high and talking to the mailman about time travel again

 

 

Anyways I guess this metal sliver that he touched somehow unlocked all the secrets of the universe and I think the Deceptions need him to show them something they can use to destroy Earth? I’m going to level with you guys:  I am really unsure of the plot and at no point does it become clear to me. In fact directly before writing this I read the Wikipedia plot synopsis and I’m still not sure what the fuck is going on.

 

You never let me down! except when you told me Sea Otters were the most racist animals in the Ocean.

 

 

So he starts seeing weird symbols and has these amazing stroke/seizures which are just hilarious. Despite this, he decides to go to a frat party and starts spelling out these symbols things in icing and some slutty girl is all into it and tries to give him a lap dance. He later gives her a ride in his Car/Autobot, Bumblebee.  This is where is gets weird.

Bumblebee is apparently pissed that he has another broad with him so he starts fucking around and straight up moves the passenger seat so violently forward that the slut launches herself straight into the windshield. This scene is the highlight of the entire film. Re-Read that. In a movie about intergalactic robots beating the shit out of each other, a random girl smoking her face off of a car windshield is the best part. I’m sure you can see how good this movie is going to be.

 

you should probably just rent this if you're into murderous cars

 

 

After giving her a mild concussion, he then sprays what I can only assume is windshield wiper fluid all over her. I have no idea why this is even in the movie. I mentally checked out 15 minutes in.

Meanwhile Megan Fox is in possession of that metal sliver and a toy robot truck has been following her around trying to get it to the Decepticons. She finds this robot trying to steal  her shit, burns its eye out and then throws it in a lunchpail. She then brings this robot to Shia for no real reason that I can see. She somehow brings a murderous evil robot onto a plane yet I can’t bring a goddamn bottle of Ice Tea. GODDAMN IT MICHAEL BAY.

Back at College, Shia starts going crazy as all hell and writes symbols all over his walls, more importantly all over his Bad Boys 2 poster THEREBY COMPLETELY RUINING IT.

Slutty girl shows up and is all “I don’t care that your car went all Christine on my ass, lets do this!” and starts getting all up on him. Cue Megan Fox walking in. Oh what a hilarious misunderstanding! But wait..the slutty chick turns out to be an evil robot…somehow. What?

 

Exactly.

 

 

Ok wait a minute. If Decepticons could turn into humans, why the fuck would they choose to turn into a slutty Co-Ed, why wouldn’t they just turn into the president or someone with a huge amount of power? And if she was a robot then why didn’t she crush him when she sat on him? Is she T-1000? Can all of the robots turn into people? If so, why don’t they?  GODDAMN IT MICHAEL BAY!

Ugh. I honestly don’t know if i can go on. Could you imagine watching everything I just described? Jesus Christ. Somehow they escape from this super special robot which they kill by running it over with a Honda civic. I…I.. want to to die.

Then they get kidnapped by a Decepticon but later rescued by two robots. Alright, this is very important. What I am about to explain to you is not made up, this was seriously in a feature film made past  the 1940’s. These two robots are twins named Mudflap and Skids. They speak in gangster slang and one has a gold tooth. They used the term “slap you in your bitch face” and said Yo constantly. One actually says “don’t make me bust a cap in your ass” Later on in the film it is revealed that neither one can read. I AM DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT THIS.

They must have hired the guy that came up with those crows in the Dumbo movie.

"Oooh lordy them robots sure are hilarious!"

for some reason we decided to keep watching, maybe to see if a robot popped up named LeeWoo that used its gigantic teeth and chopsticks for a weapon.

GODDAMMIT MICHAEL BAY.

Anyways somewhere along the line Optimus Prime died like a bitch and that little robot Megan Fox had told them that he knew a robot that could help them bring him back to life. So they try to do that I guess. I really tried to block most of this part out because that little robot started humping Megan Fox’s leg and I think part of my soul flew out of my body.

 

"Jesus..is that you? Whoa! is Santa there too?? kick ass!"

 

 

Later when i recovered from my blackout they were magically transported to Egypt because I guess Autobots can do that. This is the last 40 minutes of the film and over 30 of it is devoted to explosions. I actually left the room several times and when I came back and asked what I missed the answer was “Explosions”

 

WOOOOO!!! EXPLOSIONS! I LOVE AMERICA! U.S.A! U.S.A!

 

 

Shia tries to bring some magical robot glitter to  Optimus which will bring him back to life as well as making him ready for all the hottest dance clubs. On his way there an explosion goes off behind him causing him to do several backflips and then die. Thank god right? WRONG. His soul is sent to Heaven where Robots tell him to go back to Earth and fulfill his destiny. He then is alive again. Tell me what was wrong with that last sentence. ROBOT HEAVEN. He either got sent to Robot Heaven or there are Robots hanging out in our Heaven. I do not want Robots hanging out in our Heaven because if that is the case then 60% of Heaven is going to be taken up with abandoned Furbies.

GOD DAMN SHUT UP. IM PUTTING A TOWEL OVER YOUR FOREHEAD SENSOR SO YOU THINK ITS TIME TO SLEEP. FUCK I HATE YOU.

Shia finally sprinkles glitter on Optimus and he wakes up and destroys the Decepticons along with several pyramids and an entire Egyptian shantytown because hey, they didn’t have shitty enough lives.

 

You know what this slum needs? EXPLOSIONS!

 

 

After saving the world, they decide to leave Egypt in ruins and leave on a gigantic US Aircraft Carrier. (Social Commentary?)  and Optimus says some gay speech about how the world is safe or something. I think I blacked out so there could be several key plotpoints I’m missing. But somehow I dont think so.

In conclusion, I fucking hate you Michael Bay.

October Special…Who’s the best..Vampire Edition

Vampires have been around forever in popular culture and it seems like every 10 years there’s a resurgence in popularity, once everyone remembers that chicks get total boners for them. Vampires come in all shapes and forms, so lets take a look at some and I will pass judgment down upon them…viscous, viscous internet judgment. Oh and before you get down the list and wonder why I didn’t include Dracula it’s because Dracula is soooo 1476.

1. Lestat

Lestat and his "life partner"

Total Homo. There, I said it. When Lestat isn’t swishing around in European back alleys, he’s at home in lavishly decorated castles wearing something puffy and lacy. Oh and he’s probably doing his hair.

"No Homo"

I fucking hate Interview with a Vampire and pretty much anything Anne Rice related because I cannot stand the rampant homosexual undertones. I have no problems with homosexuals, but i do have a problem with characters who are so blatantly gay yet do not come out of the closet. girlfriend, we know you are gay just come out already.

Here is a short list of totally gay things Lestat does:

• Bites (aka Vampire make out) Brad Pitt
• adopts a girl to be his daughter (why not just knock up a sexy vampire lestat?)
• Bites (aka Vampire make out) Christian Slater
• Pretty much everything else he does/says

So for being so gay it hurts yet not accepting of himself, Lestat gets a poor grade.

Final Grade: F

2. The Count

never change

When I was little at some gas station they had little Sesame Street toys you could buy and one was of the Count chilling out with some pumpkins and my goddamn mom wouldn’t get it for me because she thought it was too scary. fast forward to when I was 12 and it was totally cool for me to watch this guy eat a sanitation worker on the XFiles:

really mom? REALLY?

Luckily when I went to bed the night after watching that episode all I could think of was being in love with Fox Mulder, which is a bit more troubling in retrospect because he was probably 34 years old at the time.

But we aren’t here to discuss that, we’re here to talk about how goddamn cool the count is. He was one of my favorite characters because he had that sweet silk cape and that infectious laugh. AH HA HA. I LOVE YOU!

He gets extra cool points for being a horrible ghoul that sustains himself on the blood of innocent victims, yet taking the time to teach pre-schoolers about numbers. Keep on truckin’! Also, do you guys remember this little ditty?

So am I the only one who started clapping in excitement halfway through that video? Goddamn it I used to love this song when I was little. I know whats going on my iPod in T-Minus 4 minutes.

Final Grade: OH MY GOD I LOVE THE COUNT

3. Edward Cullen

"Oh this? It's me and my bouffant chillin out with my pet owl."

yes of course he is on this list. Do not lie to yourselves: You would totally bang this guy if you got the chance. I know i would. The rest of the internet would too, I just typed in “Ed” into google and I got the following suggestions: Edward Cullen, Edward Twilight and Edward Fucking Cullen. Oh I also got Ed McMahon who now that I think about it might actually be a Vampire as well.

"Come live with me for all eternity and be my Queen of the night. You may already be a winner"

Edward has already won points over Lestat because his hair isn’t in a ponytail and he doesn’t wear lacy velvet numbers.  Plus homeboy is like a hundred years old so he is probably extremely good at doing the Charleston,  and I bet he has gotten 100% in Final Fantasy 7.

destroyer of freetime

He does have his downsides though. What with the fact that he has straight up murdered people before, and he also will watch you sleep which is upsetting because I know i make terrible, terrible noises in my sleep (the farting kind)

Who Doesnt?

He is slightly less homoerotic than Lestat, but there’s still a bit of a “will he or wont he bang a dude if it came down to it” element to him. He loses badassery points for being such a huge Vagina and spending most of his time whining instead of hiding behind a silk cape only to emerge and yell “BLAA!!” at the person closest to him. Still pretty bangable though.

Final Grade: B

4.Eric Northman and Bill Compton

I was too lazy to cut Sam out of the background so he's there too. DEAL WITH IT.

I lumped these two jerks in together because they’re on the same show and I’m a lazy S.O.B.

If you haven’t seen True Blood, you probably should probably start because it is extremely cheesy yet addicting. plus there is tits and horrible southern accents.

Bill and Eric are the main Vampires in it and they are both pretty badass in their own way. Bill was a confederate soldier and he knows how to play ragtime music. And he recycles:

reducing his carbon footprint. what a prince.

On the downside, he has a terrible haircut and constantly bitches and moans. plus he is totally unable to pronounce his girlfriend’s name

ITS SOO-KEY YOU DUMB SHIT.

Eric is also pretty BA and he is super old, he used to be a Viking and I’m going to be honest here guys, the concept of a Vampire Viking is pretty much blowing my mind right now. On the con side of Eric he has terrible bleached hair and I am 78% sure that his tanktops were purchased in the womans department.

So.....Manly (?????)

But I’m going to give this win to Eric based solely on this:

"Earth to Meekus, I knew it was a joke i just didn't get it right away"

FUCK YES ERIC IS MEEKUS FROM ZOOLANDER. If you are not familiar with his work maybe this will refresh your memory:

OH. MY.GOD. I love Zoolander. So apparently after dying in a freak gasoline fight accident he was resurrected as a crazy as hell vampire on an HBO series, and for that he wins.

Final Grade: ORANGE MOCHA FRAPPICINO

So there you have it chumps! Clearly a childrens show vampire character beat out all these losers and they should think long and hard as to how that can improve themselves. shame on them.

October Special…Who’s best? Zombie Edition

I’m not going to lie to you guys: Zombies creep me the fuck out and I am actually genuinely terrified of them. Yet, I cannot resist Zombie movies or anything Zombie related, its like their my abusive boyfriend. well my second abusive boyfriend because well…

So lets skirt away from the issue of spousal abuse for a few minutes here and discuss my favorite Zombies.

1. Classic Shuffling Zombies

this photo really needs a word bubble that says "Say whaaa?" in it

I pray to God that if Zombies ever actually attack, they will be shuffling nincompoops like these jerks. If they are able to run and jump I will just straight up chuck myself off a cliff. Anywho these badboys are pretty par for the course in earlier Zombie movies, like the classic Romero films,  but then somewhere along the line someone decided they weren’t extreme enough and shambling clumsily towards your evening meal is something better left to an inebriated David Hasselhoff.

"GRRR ARBYS BEEF AND CHEDDAR!!!"

Despite them being “lame” I still prefer them over their speedy counterparts, mainly because I’m pretty sure I could boogie past one at a brisk walking pace.

Final Grade: A

2.Thriller Zombies

Is it just me or is that jacket still pretty goddamn awesome?

I fucking love this song. It has it all: Vincent Price reading a poem, goddamn Zombies dancing, Micheal Jackson before he went wrong, and the whole music video is just a friggin masterpiece. When I was younger I should have put some effort into learning this dance but I went on the opposite end of the spectrum and learned the dance to Backstreets Back.

say what you will: I would totally bang Brian still.

These Zombies are alright in my books because if they ever attacked you in real life I think you would probably have a good chance of escaping while they do their 5 minute choreographed dance routine. That is if you could peel yourself away from the magic unfolding in front of you. What a conundrum. They play this video non stop in October but I listen to this song and the monster mash at any time during the year because im just that cool. These Zombies get extra marks for making me try and do the dance in my car while people stare in horror at red lights. In fact, lets take a minute and watch this because I know I want to see it and I assume you do too.

Wow wasn’t that fun? I was dancing in my chair and I hope you were too. I think we just had a bonding moment you guys.

Final Grade: A++

3.Bub the Zombie (Day of the Dead)

"Hey honey I'm going to be late. Long story short, I'm chained to a wall"

If you are not familiar with Bubs work let me give you a brief rundown:

• He lives in a lab with a scientist who trains him
• He learns how to use a phone
• He FUCKING SHOOTS A GUY

Do I really have to go on? Basically what happens in this movie as a subplot to the rampant Zombie action is a scientist tries to teach a Zombie (Bub) to re-learn basic tasks in a way to show that they can be re trained. But it gets cuter! He teaches Bub to pick up a phone, dial it, put it to his ear and then Bub is all “Hello, Aunt Alicia?” hahaha so precious! It’s unclear whether or not he ever got ahold of Aunt Alicia but I can imagine how awkward that phone call would be. It’s like when someone puts their cat on the phone and you’re like “uhh….so…cat, whats…up?”

"oh not much, I think Im going on a date with Brad tonig..oh hold on, its my call waiting"

Back to the point here, After some Army dick busts in and shoots his Scientist to death Bub starts crying and freaks out, grabs the guy’s gun and fucking shoots the guy. That’s like getting stabbed by a lion or a shark putting arsenic in your food. It’s just total overkill.

shit just got real

I actually almost cried at this part. I goddamn loved Bub and I just wanted to poke him with a stick gently and let him know everything was going to be Okay. So for making me feel, Bub gets an excellent score.

Final Grade: A+

4. Those goddamn fast Zombies

Well I am just going to lay down and die if this is what I have to look forward to

When the Dawn of the Dead remake came out I was all “shit ya!” and then once they started running at amazing speeds I was all “OH GOD NO” I miss the old crappy Zombies, I do not want Zombies that can chase you for 7 city blocks. The whole premise of Zombies is already pretty crazy but why on earth would they be able to run? They’re basically moving rotting corpses so I would like to think that if the dead do in fact rise from the grave to eat us that they will be pretty shitty at doing it.

there is no way those two guys at the front could even keep up a brisk walk for more than 4 minutes

Every single Zombie movie has these goddamn running ones now, and their rising popularity makes me wish I just ran for 45 minutes instead of eating a Sub sandwich. Damn you Southwest Chipotle subsauce!!

Final Grade: C

5. Evil Dead Zombies

"so i couldnt help but notice you locked me in a cellar. Whats that about?"

If you haven’t seen these movies you are a jerkoff. Go watch them right now. Actually you can skip Evil Dead one because the second one is pretty much the same…Actually if you have a dinner or a ballet recital or something to go to, you can skip right to Army of Darkness because it is clearly the best one.

YES PLEASE, also am I the only one who would bang Bruce Campbell regardless of his chainsaw arm?

These Zombies are called Deadites which is pretty badass if you ask me.  Ash is quite possibly the best hero ever because he has a pretty defined chin area, a goddamn chainsaw for an arm and he calls his shotgun a boomstick.

Oh yea, I forgot to mention that he goes back in time in this movie to fight medieval deadites. Feel free to leave right now, speed to your local video store and rent it. I’ll wait. Anyways, at one point in the movie Ash gets split into two and one of him becomes a deadite. That is correct, a goddamn Zombie Ash:

GODDAMN IT I LOVE THIS MOVIE

then they totally fight each other and it is hilarious and basically the greatest thing ever. Did I mention they both have capes? ahhh I have to go watch this right now you guys.

So for making me lose my mind and instantly want to abandon writing this to watch it, The Army of Darkness Zombies win!

Final Grade: A+++

the scariest animals in existence, or: proof God is a jerk

as many of you know already, there are a lot of animals that i am terribly afraid of (i.e – spiders, horses, …..man?) but those are all bush league shit compared to what we’re going to be seeing today.

1. Vampire Squid

wow, Vampires are so hot right now hey guys? Well this squid isn’t good looking in a sort of homosexual way like all the other vampires (I’m looking in your direction Lestat) This squid is just creepy as all hell.

"who wants some kisses??"

agh!! why the hell does it have creepy teeth things instead of just suckers like other squids? I’ll tell you why, it’s because God reserved the oceans for his most terrifying creations. This squids latin name is Vampyroteuthis infernalis, which literally translates into “Vampire squid from Hell” Jesus Christ, tell us how you really feel Latin uhhh name giver..guys..? Anyways, totally creepy right? well check this shit out: Its fucking eyes glow in the dark.

THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU! I NEED AN OLD PRIEST AND A YOUNG PRIEST!

I honestly can’t think of any reason for this to exist other than to make us think one is brushing against our legs when we’re swimming in the Ocean. Thankfully these things live in the very bottom of the Sea along with Ursula the sea witch, so I think we’re safe. FOR NOW.

2. Camel Spiders

haha.

While looking up pictures for this I actually started to get super creeped out and sick to my stomach. So i recommend having another picture of two otters kissing or a handsome man or something minimized so you can bring that up to cleanse your palate. Alright. Check it out.

dear god

Ughhhh why?? Theres also this gem:

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

Who the hell would hold on to not one but two of these spiders to take a picture? US Army recruitment officers should be bound by law to show this photo to all new recruits

“And I’ll just slide this photo over to show you the horrible monsters that will be no doubt crawling in your boots and sleeping bag and then get the final paperwork rolling and you should be…sir…sir! please stop running!”

Yes these prizes are fucking awful and somehow even more disgusting than all other species of spiders combined.  Their Latin name is Solifugae, which means “those that flee from the sun” WHAT THE HELL why such creepy names? Could you imagine living back in the day when everyone spoke Latin? Cows would be called “Horned Land Demons” and pigeons would be called “Flighted Bloodseekers” Good god people.

"Furred HellSpawn"

Anyways, i guess these things aren’t actually deadly to humans and only bite when provoked by your wife screaming “GET IT OUT OF THE HOUSE JEFF! IT MIGHT BITE THE BABY!”  so as long as your nagging wife keeps her mouth shut, we’ll all be just fine.

3. The Deepsea Hatchetfish

Goddamnit. I knew the Ocean wasn’t done pumping out horrible nightmare fuel. I don’t know what it is with water but it seems to just have awful, awful things to offer. Like these:

I..I dont even have a witty comment..

Holy piss! Why do they have this face? why are they screaming? WHY? All i can think of when I look at these is this:

"BRB face melting"

it probably isn’t a good sign that these fish remind me of a Nazi’s face melting off in an Indiana Jones movie. It either means I love Indiana Jones too much (not possible) or that these fish were a terrible, terrible mistake.

These things are actually pretty tiny and they live in the bottom of the Ocean just like apparently every other awful thing, so I’m not too worried about it. actually, maybe they just look like constantly screaming horrific ghouls from the front, maybe they don’t look as awful from the side

somehow this is worse.

and apparently they are grotesque from every angle and Im pretty sure after looking into that fishes’s eye for a few seconds I lost my soul. Fuck.

4. Naked Mole Rat

I actually think rats are pretty cute, and I’m a big fan of certain things when they’re naked so I don’t know how this could go wrong

"Be honest, should I get a facelift?"

Oh my god it looks like every old person ever mixed with a terrible rat. Look at its creepy little eyes! Sick! People actually have these things for pets. These and Hairless cats are right up there on worst pets ever. If you want a hairless animal to hang out with get a baby.

thank god! something that doesn't have a terribly scary latin name

Why on earth do these exist. I’m honestly questioning God at this point because I don’t want to believe that he saw all of these animals in pre-production and just gave them the go ahead.

EPIC FAIL

You know what these things eat? Potatoes and Poo. That’s correct. They eat their own poo if they can’t find enough Potatoes. Naked mole rats are the animal equivalent to Irish people circa 1845. Except those people just starved to death when Potatoes were in short supply  instead of eating shit, which makes me question which of these two was smarter.

wont make your kid eat poo? worst mom ever.

Really though God, we need to have  a talk. Why did you make a hairless bucktoothed rat that eats poop? Have you been drinking again?

5. Blobfish

FUCK YOU OCEAN! My Greatest fear is living in a Waterworld type situation because of the rampant ocean animals and Kevin Costner. Plus i think he had gills in that movie? Goddamn it sucked.

Awful Post apocalyptic movies aside, these animals are less scary and more so ugly and pathetic you want to mercy kill every last one of them.

its like a biggest loser contestant of the sea

God lord. I’m not even clear as to how these propel themselves let alone how they breathe. These fish look like someone whipped a huge glob of spitball at a wall and this is the result. hahah If it could talk it would just constantly complain about its life and it would probably have a catchphrase like “Well at least you aren’t me” and then the “waahh wahhhhh” would play in the background. Are you listening FOX broadcasting? I think we might have a new sitcom on our  hands. I do, however, enjoy its little nose.

oh god there is nothing appealing about this

I also imagine if you ate one it would taste like those shitty marshmallow strawberry candies that everyone hates. God really fucked this one up the worst because this fish doesn’t look scary, have a creepy superpower like glow in the dark eyes or terror face, or eat potatoes. it just has an awful name and looks like a melting stick of butter.

Well at least we aren’t him. (wahh wahhhhhh)