Hey Charlie Brown: kill yourself already

My god I hate Charlie Brown so much. He isn’t even funny. Maybe he should take a page out of Calvin and Hobbes book and try to be as amazing as they are. Fuck I hate him. I always have. Even when I was younger and I was supposed to like him and his dumb little comics and various holiday specials, even then I hated him with a passion that my tiny 7 year old body could barely contain. It wouldn’t be until years later when I could put a name to that feeling I had. I Loathe you. You hear that you goddamn yellow shirt wearing old man looking fuck? I LOATHE YOU.

You have literally nothing to smile about you round headed bastard.

Ugh and his friends are almost as bad. He hangs out with a total bitch, a smelly poor kid and a closeted lesbian couple. His dog is the only cool thing he has going for him and that isn’t something to be proud of.

I think the guy who wrote this was just like “hmm I can sort of draw kids ok, I’m just going to make a comic and assume people will read it because they have nothing else better to do other than die of Cholera” I say that because I am pretty sure this comic has been around since the goddamn 1800′s.

"the only thing that could take my mind off this terrible time we live in would be a drawing of a little white dog flying a plane around"

And his catch phrase: “Good Grief” are you serious with that? that is something that comes out of a widowers mouth when her cat Mrs. Whiskers spilled milk all over the floor. It is a phrase that a priest uses when he realizes someone put Canadian tire money in the collection plate. It is not a phrase that a child should use. Bart Simpson had “get bent” and “eat my shorts” Urkel had “did i do that?” and yet he takes the cake with goddamn “Good grief” good grief indeed Charlie, good grief indeed.

And you aren’t funny at all. At all. lets see what some of your comic strips have to offer

Now it took me a few times to get this. At first I thought it was a dog house and Snoopy was inside lamenting about how some girl never comes and hangs out with him on the weekends. Turns out its a goddamn wall that is talking. What? Am I missing something? I don’t remember a peanuts character that hung out next to a wall alot or like, did weird sexual things with a wall that would warrant said wall missing them.

I hate it when comics do this, you guys run daily so what if I missed yesterday when the talking wall was introduced? This reminds me of the time I read a for better or for worse when all that happened in it was a dog drowned trying to save a kid from a river. Im serious. Im sitting there with my cereal trying to have a good time and I’m bombarded with images of a cartoon dog flailing around in an icy river then dying of a heartattack as soon as he makes it to shore.

....Ha...ha?

Goddammit! where was I? oh yea, Peanuts sucks but at least they never murdered a dog. Let’s check out some other terrible comics they have to offer.

jesus christ Charlie, can't you do anything right? you're a mess.

Well I guess this is sort of funny. This is the kind of comic strip that someone named Helen would have hanging in her cubicle. Maybe thats the reason this comic has run for so long, because the world is full of boring, mediocre people who like things that don’t offend anyone and are therefore completely safe to enjoy. It’s either that or Charles Schulz made a deal with Lucifer and sold his soul for a lifetime of employment creating subpar comic strips with strong Christian undertones. DAMN YOU GOATFOOTED HELL BEAST.

"mwahah now I'm off to renew Two and a Half Men for another season"

These aren’t even a comic that I searched out to be terrible, I just typed Peanuts comics into google and these are the first ones that came up. Jesus Christ. Also, I’m pretty sure that 87% of the comics involve Charlie Brown being unable to kick a football and then later having a friggin mental breakdown about it talking to his pyscharist who is infact the exact same wench that caused him to miss the football. FUCK.

because there's nothing funnier than mentally ill children

Oh but the worst part about him is his fucking Christmas special. My god is this thing depressing. The Peanuts Christmas special is more depressing than the Supernatural Christmas special and in that one people get murdered by an evil Santa and Sam gets his goddamn fingernail ripped off. I actually gagged at this Christmas special and I still think it’s better than the Charlie Brown one.

I honestly hated this as a child, I watched every single christmas special but this one. I think I was really weirded out by that whole nativity scene where they recite lines from the bible, which sort of makes me look like an asshole because Christmas is a religious holiday but I am clearly just in it for the nog and gifts (don’t judge me)

Anyways I’m pretty sure this is the only Christmas special that involves a scene of a child telling his friend how depressed he feels around the holidays. Are you fucking kidding me? Kids are goddamn stoked around the holidays because they get time off school and get to throw snowballs with a rock hidden in them at kids they hate.

thats what you get for wearing orange sleeveless shirts after labour day you jerk

It just so fucking terrible. It’s basically about the over-commercialization of Christmas and getting back to the Christian roots of the holiday, which is ironic because it was originally sponsored by Coca-Cola and the original version had several animated coke cans throughout it.

It's what Jesus drinks when he's done a long day of Jetskiing

I don’t know if they are still making these comics anymore because I assume the guy who wrote them died several years ago at the age of 200. Let’s hope that’s the case. I just know that there are several (thousand) things I hate in this world and Charlie Brown is at the top of my shit list. Good Grief.

JUST DIE ALREADY

About these ads