My adventures on a Japanese shopping website

Japan is a wonderful place full of different customs, traditions, lifestyles and beliefs. It is also is a place where you can buy pretty much anything and chances are Hello Kitty will be all up on that bitch. Today I decided to take a foray into a website called J-list, which is described as “a toy-box from Japan!” I’m pretty sure most toy boxes aren’t full of action figures bending over and exposing their panties but who am I to judge. So without further ado I bring you the most confusing, sometimes troubling finds on J-List.

1. Some weird sex torso?

????

Alright, well the first 3 pages of the adult section of this website was pretty much vibrators disguised as other things so after wading through vibrator coke cans, vibrator eggs and vibrator MP3 players I was finally rewarded with this sexy little number. This is exactly what it looks like: a disembodied torso. I have no idea how you would get freaky with this thing and to be quite honest I don’t want to know. Oh no wait, after reading on I found out there is a hidden hole in it. You got me again Japan! For some reason the thought of someone having sex with what is essentially part of a  mannequin is far more troubling to me then someone having sex with a blow up doll. Possibly because this thing HAS NO GODDAMN HEAD. It just has this creepy spindly neck that goes up to nothing. Take the shirt off that thing and you have a level boss from Silent Hill on your hands.

2. Wiener Shaper

.....why does everything in Japan have a smiling face on it? CUT IT OUT JAPAN

Not at all what I was picturing by the description but I guess this will do. Apparently this is used to cut your hotdog wieners into the shape of tulips. Why you may ask? I do not have a reasonable response to that question. I have no idea why you would want to have a hotdog shaped like a wiener because it wouldn’t fit in a bun very well unless you also used the wiener shaper to change the shape of your bun but that just seems needlessly complicated for the audience that typically eats hotdogs (poor people, stoners and small children)

"if only this was shaped like a Tulip...and if only I had more pot. Sigh"

I honestly have no words for this. What the fuck Japan? If it isn’t a headless sex torso its a very misleadingly titled wiener shaper. Also, why the tulip shape? I can think of many more things to shape a hotdog wiener into that are more exciting. Namely, a dick. Think about it Japan.

3. Some awful, awful dating sims

Sooo uhhh Breasts hey?

ugh..so you may not know what a dating sim is so let me enlighten you. Basically you play a character who romances various women and you win when you have sex with them. That’s pretty much it. Japan has the market cornered on this shit and I have played one and it was shockingly hard. I had to buy that prude like 18 bottles of perfume and take her to the hotsprings like a dozen times before she would let me see her digital cans. The one I played was extremely tame compared to some of the offerings on J List. Here’s a brief rundown on some of the titles I found:

• Stepmothers Sin
• Fairly life magic display (wha??)
• Cat girl alliance
• Fighting girl touching

you get the picture. The best part of these things is that there is really only so many times you can assault a girl on a subway platform before it gets boring so they really had to change up the plots. In some of these you can bang cat girls, racecar drivers,werewolves, nuns, vampires, and in one amazing game you can have sex with inanimate objects like cell phones and refrigerators that turn into SEXY LADIES.

Close your legs you slut!

One of the features this website offers is reviews of the games in question so you know if you’re buying a good one or if you’re just wasting your time on another humdrum game where you rape a cat wizard. The most upsetting part about this is that they have someone on staff that gets paid to play these games and then review them. His name is Peter.  What the hell could you possibly say your job title is if someone asks you. Game tester? but then you know they’re going to ask what kind of games. I guess you could lie and say you were a digital gynecologist or something that sounds less awful than “I write reviews for games that have 15 minutes long rape cutscenes” Let’s see what Peter had to say about the aforementioned Cat Alliance:

There’s no other way to say it: this is our kinkiest game ever, with tons of bizarre and fun erotic play that includes futanari (that’s cute girls with dicks), bondage play and sexual training, animal cosplay with catgirl/doggirl, joso/danso (girls wearing guys uniforms during sex and vice-versa), 3P (manage-a-trois), roshutsu (sex in public places) and so on. If you like these themes, consider Let’s meow Meow, Amorous Professor Cherry, and Cosplay Fetish Academy. If you love the gender-bending and futathe Yin-Yang and X-Change games.

Jesus Christ Peter get your shit together. I DON’T LIKE THE SOUNDS OF ANY OF THAT.

4. These cups that feature Pandas humping

you can do your spit take at the shock of seeing reverse cowgirl panda right back into the cup. Genius!

Really Japan? It’s always sex with you isn’t it. If it’s not sex then its weird candies that taste like soya sauce (legit exist) although to be honest I would probably buy these and drink my morning OJ out of them. Nothing like looking at two bears having sex to put you in the mood for a long day at the office.  I think these cups would be good to keep handy for special occasions. Some people have fancy crystal, some people have cups with Pandas doin’ it missionary style. IT TAKES DIFFERENT STROKES TO PAINT THE WORLD.

Obviously there is a question that you are all dying to ask so I’m just going to go ahead and answer it: Yes doggy style is featured on the cup and no it isn’t called Panda style. Also, Mom you probably should have stopped reading this article about 800 words ago. I’m very sorry.Also, let’s talk about how non plussed these bears look

the passion is gone.

If you are going to go to the trouble of painting panda bears in various sexual positions can you at least put a smile on their faces? And don’t say it’s because panda bears don’t actually smile and it would be unrealistic because HAVE YOU SEEN THESE CUPS? God I hate you Japan.

Well J-List I think I know now why you are an online store because if anyone had to look someone in the eye while buying half the shit on this website you would probably not have a lot of sales since there’s not much of an overlap of people that want both adorable cellphone charms and headless sex torsos. Or maybe there is. I pray to god there isn’t.

Toys that will make your children hate you

I don’t have kids myself, but I do have at least one kid in my life that I enjoy because he doesn’t put up too much of a stink if I eat his cookies and we often recreate the scene in Return of the Jedi where Luke gets his hand chopped off. I love him and would give him my bone marrow even if he didn’t ask for it or need it. I would, however, never give him any of the toys I am about to share with you. These toys are almost as effed up as the really old talking doll my mom kept from her childhood for what I think was the express reason to use it to scare the shit out of her future children (mission accomplished asshole) So as I salt all my doorways in case that devil doll tries to come into my house and murder me why don’t you look at these toys!

1. Playmobil Ambulance playset

"WEEEE!! OH GOD I CAN'T MOVE MY LEGS"

I  have actually seen this in a store with my own two eyes and if I remember correctly I did a comical double take because WHAT THE SHIT! why the hell would any child ever want this? First of all, who hit this child on the bike because the only vehicle I see is the ambulance which makes me think they have some sort of injured child quota to reach and they just drive around looking for youngsters to mow down. Second of all, how stoked is that kid to be strapped to a gurney on its way to the hospital?

What occasion would ever come about that would require you to purchase this for a kid? I mean, jesus christ were they all out of Thomas the Tank Engine toys? This is the kind of present a drunk uncle would give a kid. A drunk uncle who hates his nephew.

But believe it or not this isn’t the worst toy playmobil offers up. You know what kids love more than anything? THE ELDERLY! So let’s throw that together:

The toy guaranteed to bring any playtime to a screeching halt.

Wow. Just, wow. Seriously? I’m bored just looking at this goddamn thing. These are toys you would buy to really fuck with your kid. Picture it: your kid won’t shut the hell up about getting a new toy and you bring him home this. Could you imagine the shock on his face as he opens a toy box to reveal a nurse pushing an old man in a wheelchair? Oh man I think I might have kids for the sole reason to do that. Also I know the old mans eyes are just black circles but that toy looks goddamn senile.

2. Whatever the hell this is

WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?

MOTHER OF GOD. Is it just me or is this thing horrible beyond all reason? This, my friends, is the face bank. A piggy bank with a face. Because why not make a mundane thing like putting spare change away into a baffling, terrifying ordeal. Could you imagine having this next to your bed at night? That piggybank would come alive and talk to you in that really calm creepy voice like the computer in A Space Odyssey: 2001. It would tell you to take all the money you put inside of it, use it to go buy a handgun and murder your parents. Then it would softly chuckle to itself, its lips making a soft rustling noise as the plastic rubbed together. AHH.

Regardless of any murderous intent, this thing is creepy on a very sexual level as well. Look at those eyes. It knows you’re putting your hand in its mouth you fucking sicko, and it loves every minute of it.

Believe it or not there was actually an even creepier version of this at one point:

they should have made the nose bigger and let the Jew jokes roll in

Great Zeus’ beard that is awful. If you gave either of these banks to your children and forced them to put their spare change in them I’m pretty sure you would raise a child who either always have money or never have money, either way they would certainly hate you.

3. Titanic Bot

oh god this is like 17 levels of offensive

So uh…wow. Even Micheal Bay would be offended by this and he goddamn loves transforming robots. This toy reeks of dollar store and to be honest if I ever saw it I would probably buy one for everyone I know. I really cannot get over this. I’m going to assume that it came from either China or Japan because they really lead the way in toys that make you say “wait…what?” Regardless of this toy delivering more “huhs?” than any David Lynch film ever made, Let’s take a second and think about how great the movie Titanic could have been if the boat changed into a giant robot at the last minute and walked to shore.

"aww man, a poor American youth and a socialite are banging on me AGAIN" said Titanic bot in disgust

This would almost be worth it to give to your child and then explain to them about the real Titanic.

“All those people died because Titanic bot needed room for his lasers and there was no space left for life-rafts”

you caused this Titanic bot! THEIR LOVE WAS SO TRUE

Let’s see what this badboy looks like FULLY TRANSFORMED!!

pictured: BAD ASS..NESS...(???)

Upon seeing this thing fully transformed I am totally on board here. ARE YOU SEEING THIS? MOTHERFUCKER HAS WINGS! WINGS!

I really wish that more tragedies could be diverted by gigantic robots. The Hindenburg blimp, 9/11 (too soon?) I mean the possibilities are endless and I’m not just talking about preventing really sappy James Cameron movie. This toy demands to be on a list of amazing toys actually now that I think about it but I’m lazy so let’s move on.

4. Pregnant Barbie

"no ice cream for me! As you can see, I'm stuffed"

I actually remember a girl in my grade 3 class had one of these and the little plastic piece that slid infront of her stomach got really loose so it would always come open and the baby would fall out all the time whenever she played with it and to be honest it creeped me the fuck out. We would be playing house or what have you and BOOM! baby on the goddamn floor. Is this how childbirth really is? I wondered.Now that I’m an adult who has heard horrible stories of childbirth, I really, really wish that was the case.

So I guess the idea here is to teach girls that women are occasionally pregnant and the pregnancy can be resolved very easily by sliding a plastic piece off and taking out the baby to leave on the rumpus room floor for your dog to eat or your mom to accidentally vacuum up. Pretty solid little life lesson I’d say.

Actually that might be the case for this womans vagina at this point.

I’m pretty sure this toy got pulled off the shelves pretty quickly for being too offensive. Little did they know that years later girls would be bombarded by Bratz dolls which I’m sure would never be able to carry a baby to term. (coke)

5. THE BIBLE GAME!

Let's talk about how insane that whale looks. EASY BUDDY

Picture the scene: some kids are having a sleepover and they all decide to bring over a videogame each to play. Little Johnny brings the Grand Theft Auto that his older brother bought him. Little Jeff brings over Burnout 2. Little Chris brings over THE BIBLE GAME. As you can guess, Little Chris gets violently beaten with pillowcases full of quarters. What? It happened at sleepovers I had as a child.

If I was a Christian kid I would rather have nothing then be given this. In fact, here is a short list of things I would like better than this:

– a mild beating

– a small bundle of sticks

– a copy of  Cosmopolitan from May 1991

– a strangers death certificate

– an old can of tuna that had a dried up worm in the bottom

You get the picture. This game is so painfully uncool that it would be cooler to not even own a Playstation2 in the first place. Let’s take a look at the synopsis for this bulljive

Alright I’m not going to lie to you guys. The gamespot review was really fucking long and boring so I just scrolled down until I found some screen shots. I feel they are telling enough

So the black girls name is Agatha. Nice one Bible Game.

I guess it’s a quiz show or some shit? I think it’s a bunch of bible related mini games. I hope there’s one where you can duel as Cain and Abel and fight each other in a Russian Bunker, oh and that you can change it to paintball or slap mode! Actually I just really really want to play Golden Eye for N64.

BABY COME BACK, YOU CAN BLAME IT ALL ON MEEEEE

WAY MORE things that grind my gears!

Well It’s been awhile since I’ve gone on a nonsensical rant about random things that most people would just ignore, or forget about and then move on with their lives. But this is the Internet my friends, so you either have to listen to me or watch youtube videos of babies sneezing. So what’s it going to be? (please pick me)

1. Yogurt

JUST GIVE ME PEACH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD

Yogurt on its own doesn’t really bother me, but the fact that there are like 80 different types of yogurt to choose from really puts me under a lot of unneeded stress. Hey, asshole yogurt makers: just give me strawberry and fuck off. There’s like mango coconut lime and lemon parfait delight and god knows what else. IT’S FUCKING DISTRACTING.

Chocolate Yogurt? Oh, I've had that before. ITS CALLED PUDDING.

I can’t be the only one who is so baffled and enraged by the insane amount of yogurt available, I almost have a panic attack and just reach blindly for something recognizable. When I was little we had one kind of yogurt and it was the one you have to stir. Oh and we had Yop too which was god damn delicious and you could also pop the cap off into someones face if you were so inclined (I was so inclined) Also what the fuck is with these yogurts that have prebiotics and probiotics, They make it seem like these are some previously unknown thing that is essential to living. It’s making me  concerned that when I die the Doctors are just going to shake their heads and declare what a shame it was that I didn’t consume more probiotics and less whiskeybiotics.

2. 3D Movies

"enjoy paying an extra 5 bucks to watch me sneeze in 3d ya Jagoffs"

3D movies are pretty fun, yes, but I think they should stick to only making really shitty horror movies 3D because it makes it even more campy and stupidly fun. I also really enjoy drinking at the theater, and getting drunk and watching a  laughably bad 3D horror movie sounds like a pretty solid little Sunday afternoon. My real qualm with this new influx of 3D movies is that EVERY FUCKING MOVIE IS IN 3D. Plus I have to wear glasses in the movies so I’m wearing two sets and look like a fucking jagoff.  Let’s go through a list here of upcoming 3D movies:

-Step up 3D.

Why the fuck would I want to watch people dance in 3D. OH wait, they have those: they are called dance recitals. FUCK THIS SHIT.

-Jackass 3D

If I may quote my friend Jenna on this subject: “Why? So I can see Steve-O poop at me?”

-Friday the 13th part 2 in 3D

What is this? a math equation? GOD DAMN (actually I would legit go see this, so I guess I’m the asshole)

Edit: from the time I started writing this article this movie has since been canceled. I like to think I had a hand in it.

-Men in Black 3:3D

I was under the impression they already made a third one so I don’t really know how to feel about this.

-Kenny Chesney in concert:3D

I really don’t understand this one, what could possibly be 3D in this? I could understand making a concert like Pink Floyds the wall or something with a really crazy stage show in 3D, but I don’t think this jerkoffs cowboy hat will look any better when it looks like it’s flying at you.

And the list really goes on, pretty much half of all new movies coming out at going to be in 3D . I can hardly wait for the Philadelphia remake IN 3D!

3D movies have been around for years but this recent boom in them I am blaming solely on one person:

James Cameron.

Dear America: You can have him. Love, Canada

Fuck you James Cameron. You think you are so fucking great don’t you? Avatar was fucking terrible and maybe now that it’s on 2D dvd people will realize that just because a movie looks good and cost a fuckton of money does not mean it is actually good. You goddamn prick. WHAT THE FUCK WAS WITH THOSE PONYTAILS AND WHY DID THOSE BLUE ASSHOLES GET FREAKY WITH THEM. I am 100% convinced that the main guy in it raped that fucking dragon. Watch Avatar again and tell me he did not rape that thing.

RUN BITCH GET HELP YOU GUNNA GET RAPED

You named the mineral they were mining in that movie “Unobtainium” Do I look like a fucking asshole James? because that’s what you are saying to me when you expect me to accept that is a legitimate name for a mineral. Pandorium, there. boom. a better goddamn name. Fuck I hate you.

Well my nose is bleeding now and I think I might have just suffered a stroke so let’s get back on track here. I blame James Cameron because he made it OK to make all these movies unnecessarily 3d and expect the movie going public to shell out like 14 fucking bucks for a ticket. Get stuffed.

3. People that bring their dogs FUCKING EVERYWHERE

oh ya, that dog is having a great time. BITCH HE HAS FOUR LEGS FOR A REASON

When I used to work at a liquor store a girl came in once carrying a little Chihuahua that had a goddamn cast on its leg. She kept talking to it while she shopped about how sad she was that he broke his little leg and then when she came up to pay she put him on the counter and then told me “He has a broken leg” OH REALLY? I couldn’t tell. So I deliberately did not bring attention to her stupid gimp dog because I knew she was just waiting and frothing at the mouth for me to ask OH NO WHAT HAPPENED?? but I didn’t. You know why I didn’t? No, not because I’m an insufferable bitch, but because I cannot stand it when people bring their dogs into stores and try to get you to go on and on about how cute and great their shitty dog is. If a woman brought a baby into the liquor store with a broken arm then I might have to ask some questions, namely what is the number for child protective services. But then again, maybe the baby was asking for it.

"I TOLD YOU TO DVR LOST FOR ME YOU STUPID BABY!!"

Why do people insist on doing this? leave your fucking dog at home or tie it up outside of the 711 you’re shopping at and let everyone coming in wonder in fear if it will bite their goddamn leg off. It’s what responsible pet owners do. It’s not a goddamn baby and no matter how many sweaters or bows you put on it will ever change that.

not pictured: a baby, my will to live

I was really hoping that this influx of people bringing their dogs everywhere would branch out to people bringing all sorts of crazy pets into stores but apparently it’s frowned upon when you bring a terrified, screeching cat into a Walmart. Either leave your dog at home or in the car with the windows rolled up. Oh wait… maybe not that last one.

4. Justin Bieber

I only just heard about you last month but I hate you already

Where the hell did this kid come from? I feel like I fell asleep and woke up and he was all over the fucking place. Is he a warlock? Only time will tell. Seriously though, what the hell teenage girls. Get your shit together. There is no way that when I was 16 I would ever think Justin Bieber was good looking. He look like either a 13-year-old baseball player who plays the drums in his church group band or he looks like a 25 year old lesbian who works at Starbucks. He does not look like a teen heart-throb. I can understand girls thinking two thirds of the Jonas Brothers are good-looking but seriously? Justin Bieber? If I had a teen daughter I would slap her in the mouth and make her watch all my old Backstreet Boys concert VHS’s to really show her what a goddamn teen star is supposed to be.

AWWW YEAH!!!

Anyways I have actually only heard snippets of his one song and I am a 24-year-old woman so maybe it’s not up to me to judge. But then again I do have a blog on the internet so…there’s that. Can someone please tell me where the hell he came from? Why are his cold dead eyes staring back at me from People magazine while I try to steal oranges at the self check out at Save On foods? Where’s the beef? The questions are really endless, but I would like him to either go away or become more attractive. GET ON IT BEEBS.

I eat the food equivalent of a double dog dare: The KFC double down

When I started this blog I never thought it would come to this but here we are. I made a promise to you to eat and review one of these bastardized chicken creations and let you know how it goes, so umm let’s get to it I guess.

you cruel bitch.

So I rolled up  to KFC with one thought in mind: to poison my insides with a KFC Double down. I stood in line, behind two men dressed entirely in denim I might add, with my heart pounding in anticipation of cramming what is essentially a handful of chicken into my face. When it was finally my turn I could barely contain myself, I launched myself forward and basically screamed CAN I HAVE A DOUBLE DOWN?? in the womans face.

What happened next could not ever be anticipated.

“No, sorry, we don’t have those” was her response.

I gasped and clutched my chest in horror.What was I to do now? I promised the Internet that I would eat one of these things and I couldn’t go back on it now! Then a thought came to me and I decided that I, like many women trailblazers before me, would perserve in the face of adversity. I decided to ask them to MacGyver me up one of these delicious(???) treats.

exactly, novelty t-shirt graphic, exactly.

“Well then, I have to get one of these, I’m doing a review for a comedy website so…”

“What’s funny about this sandwich?” The troll like employee asked me with a hint of contempt in her voice.

What’s funny about this sandwich? How could I possibly answer that? What isn’t funny about this sandwich?

“It’s a sandwich where meat is the bread, don’t you think that’s funny?” I asked her. She stared blankly at me. Apparently she did not.

I’m going to try my best to recreate the conversation that then took place, because it is just a delight.

“Ok, well can you give me two chicken sandwiches minus the bread and toppings,  and throw some cheese and bacon in between the two patties?”

“….Do you want lettuce?”

“No, no lettuce or tomatoes or anything, just meat with cheese and bacon in between”

“…..I don’t know if we can do that”

“Ok well if you want I can do the guesswork for you and construct it myself, just give me two chicken sandwiches and put bacon and cheese on one”

“….so do you want lettuce?”

NO G.D. LETTUCE PLEASE

at this point a younger employee arrived and proceeded to laugh her ass off at my request and agreed to recreate it as best as possible for me. Thank god that she was not yet dead inside and humorless like the Grandmother Willow that was helping me before.

"welcome to KFC, would you like to paint with all the colours of the wind?"

I was handed my “sandwich” and I walked out of KFC with a skip in my step, I was off to poison myself all for the entertainment of others!

So I am now home and preparing to eat this thing. I must admit it looks pretty godddamn grimy and possibly even grosser than the actual sandwich that they offer, so here goes I guess.

cheese is the weapon of choice

A worried Jesus looks on

Well as soon as I sat down to eat it my roommate just said “Uh-oh” and started laughing so that is probably not a good sign. But I’ve got my screwdriver and what’s left of my dignity so let’s get this over with.

my hopefully not last supper.

First bite:

Well it smells overwhelmingly like grease and broken dreams so that was a hurdle to conquer before I even bit into it, but the taste was very multi faceted. It went from salty, to sort of ok, back to gross. I must also tell you that it left a huge amount of grease on my face so I look like I’ve been making out with a tub of vaseline.

After a few more bites I realized I can’t even taste any sort of flavour I’m familiar with. It doesn’t taste like cheese, bacon and chicken or even one of those things. It just tastes like salt and grease. I can only imagine how many calories I’m consuming and I haven’t eaten anything all day before this so I’m hoping that will somehow be ok but I’m sure tomorrow I will wake up 40 pounds heavier and wearing a bugs bunny sweater from 1993.

..or this woman. I will become this woman.

I have hit the wall after three bites. I need to take a minute and reflect because I honestly think I will die if I eat this thing too quickly. It isn’t very big but it’s really really dense. It’s…it’s just awful.

I also noticed this on the plate after a few bites:

You can just make your own speculations.

what the fuck is that? Is that water? is it cheese? WHAT IS IT?? Despite the appearance of this somewhat suspect mystery fluid, I am still pressing on.

I’m about halfway through this thing and it’s been probably 10 minutes since I started. This thing is like the food equivalent of  the movie Hostel. You have to take a break to get over the horror before you can move forward in your life. Plus I’m watching a  pretty great episode of Buffy the Vampire slayer from probably 1996 so that is also taking up some time.

pictured: the end of my selfworth

Well I removed the papertowel around it and as you can see some got stuck to the grease and is now glued onto the pattie. At this point I think the papertowel is probably the least of my worries. I’m just going to power through because no one likes a quitter and oh yea! I hate myself.

Well I just got a text from my friend who asked me how the double down was going and he then told me that he’s only eaten at KFC twice in the past 2 years and got food poisoning both times. That is not something I need to hear when my stomach is already full of processed meat and cheese.

even my cat is ashamed.

Well it has been probably 30 minutes since I started eating this thing because it’s just so overwhelmingly terrible, but I’ve decided to just go for it and cram the remaining amount into my face. My roommate is sitting here so I’m going to get him to document my look of horror.

I was trying to make this look funny but I was actually very upset at myself

me struggling not to vomit into my own hands

YUMMERS!

me in "my faces of death" video debut

I am beautiful, no matter what they say! HORFF HORFF

That was worse than I could ever imagine. The food turned into a gross cheesy chicken paste in my mouth and made it half impossible to chew. Immediately after those pictures were taken I had to go spit the rest of that….abomination out because my mouth was too full of salt and garbage for my brain to process and I think my heart almost stopped. Even now as I write this my mouth has a terrible taste of salt in it that I cannot get rid of. I am on my third glass of water and I still have this gross film in my mouth. I think I might die.

Plus it looked like Lindsay Lohans crotch.

Well this experience has altered me as a human being and I don’t think I will ever be the same. I know I can never eat at KFC ever again but I think I’m ok with that. I hope this amused you assholes because I feel like ass. I’m going to go eat an apple and then cry for a little while.