When I started this blog I never thought it would come to this but here we are. I made a promise to you to eat and review one of these bastardized chicken creations and let you know how it goes, so umm let’s get to it I guess.
So I rolled up to KFC with one thought in mind: to poison my insides with a KFC Double down. I stood in line, behind two men dressed entirely in denim I might add, with my heart pounding in anticipation of cramming what is essentially a handful of chicken into my face. When it was finally my turn I could barely contain myself, I launched myself forward and basically screamed CAN I HAVE A DOUBLE DOWN?? in the womans face.
What happened next could not ever be anticipated.
“No, sorry, we don’t have those” was her response.
I gasped and clutched my chest in horror.What was I to do now? I promised the Internet that I would eat one of these things and I couldn’t go back on it now! Then a thought came to me and I decided that I, like many women trailblazers before me, would perserve in the face of adversity. I decided to ask them to MacGyver me up one of these delicious(???) treats.
“Well then, I have to get one of these, I’m doing a review for a comedy website so…”
“What’s funny about this sandwich?” The troll like employee asked me with a hint of contempt in her voice.
What’s funny about this sandwich? How could I possibly answer that? What isn’t funny about this sandwich?
“It’s a sandwich where meat is the bread, don’t you think that’s funny?” I asked her. She stared blankly at me. Apparently she did not.
I’m going to try my best to recreate the conversation that then took place, because it is just a delight.
“Ok, well can you give me two chicken sandwiches minus the bread and toppings, and throw some cheese and bacon in between the two patties?”
“….Do you want lettuce?”
“No, no lettuce or tomatoes or anything, just meat with cheese and bacon in between”
“…..I don’t know if we can do that”
“Ok well if you want I can do the guesswork for you and construct it myself, just give me two chicken sandwiches and put bacon and cheese on one”
“….so do you want lettuce?”
at this point a younger employee arrived and proceeded to laugh her ass off at my request and agreed to recreate it as best as possible for me. Thank god that she was not yet dead inside and humorless like the Grandmother Willow that was helping me before.
I was handed my “sandwich” and I walked out of KFC with a skip in my step, I was off to poison myself all for the entertainment of others!
So I am now home and preparing to eat this thing. I must admit it looks pretty godddamn grimy and possibly even grosser than the actual sandwich that they offer, so here goes I guess.
Well as soon as I sat down to eat it my roommate just said “Uh-oh” and started laughing so that is probably not a good sign. But I’ve got my screwdriver and what’s left of my dignity so let’s get this over with.
Well it smells overwhelmingly like grease and broken dreams so that was a hurdle to conquer before I even bit into it, but the taste was very multi faceted. It went from salty, to sort of ok, back to gross. I must also tell you that it left a huge amount of grease on my face so I look like I’ve been making out with a tub of vaseline.
After a few more bites I realized I can’t even taste any sort of flavour I’m familiar with. It doesn’t taste like cheese, bacon and chicken or even one of those things. It just tastes like salt and grease. I can only imagine how many calories I’m consuming and I haven’t eaten anything all day before this so I’m hoping that will somehow be ok but I’m sure tomorrow I will wake up 40 pounds heavier and wearing a bugs bunny sweater from 1993.
I have hit the wall after three bites. I need to take a minute and reflect because I honestly think I will die if I eat this thing too quickly. It isn’t very big but it’s really really dense. It’s…it’s just awful.
I also noticed this on the plate after a few bites:
what the fuck is that? Is that water? is it cheese? WHAT IS IT?? Despite the appearance of this somewhat suspect mystery fluid, I am still pressing on.
I’m about halfway through this thing and it’s been probably 10 minutes since I started. This thing is like the food equivalent of the movie Hostel. You have to take a break to get over the horror before you can move forward in your life. Plus I’m watching a pretty great episode of Buffy the Vampire slayer from probably 1996 so that is also taking up some time.
Well I removed the papertowel around it and as you can see some got stuck to the grease and is now glued onto the pattie. At this point I think the papertowel is probably the least of my worries. I’m just going to power through because no one likes a quitter and oh yea! I hate myself.
Well I just got a text from my friend who asked me how the double down was going and he then told me that he’s only eaten at KFC twice in the past 2 years and got food poisoning both times. That is not something I need to hear when my stomach is already full of processed meat and cheese.
Well it has been probably 30 minutes since I started eating this thing because it’s just so overwhelmingly terrible, but I’ve decided to just go for it and cram the remaining amount into my face. My roommate is sitting here so I’m going to get him to document my look of horror.
That was worse than I could ever imagine. The food turned into a gross cheesy chicken paste in my mouth and made it half impossible to chew. Immediately after those pictures were taken I had to go spit the rest of that….abomination out because my mouth was too full of salt and garbage for my brain to process and I think my heart almost stopped. Even now as I write this my mouth has a terrible taste of salt in it that I cannot get rid of. I am on my third glass of water and I still have this gross film in my mouth. I think I might die.
Well this experience has altered me as a human being and I don’t think I will ever be the same. I know I can never eat at KFC ever again but I think I’m ok with that. I hope this amused you assholes because I feel like ass. I’m going to go eat an apple and then cry for a little while.