Someone please hit me with their car

Much like the rest of you, I have hopes and dreams. Unlike the rest of you my hopes and dreams are fantastic and better than yours. Whereas the rest of you probably have aspirations to own a house, get married to a total babe or learn to be a racecar driver I have decided to aim higher, reach for the stars if you will.  In this instance, my dreams hinge on whether or not I get smoked by a car.

Make my dreams come true used Honda Civic!!

I know what you’re thinking. But hear me out. This has several advantages to it. So here is my explaination as to why getting hit by a car would be pretty radical.

First of all, getting hit by a car would, I assume, look super cool to anyone who happened to see. Think about that movie Meet Joe Black. What are you thinking about? The scene where Brad Pitt gets smoked by a car that’s what you’re thinking about. I haven’t actually ever seen that movie in it’s entirety but I have watched that scene several times and laughed heartily. So if I could get hit by a car and give some passerby that sort of hilarious entertainment then why not? I’m just a giving person, it’s just who I am. I’m so giving that here’s a clip from Meet Joe Black that I was talking about a few sentences ago. You’re welcome.

Also, there was at least 15 different choices of clips I could go with that were on Youtube. That is how much people love seeing other people get hit by cars, the entire success of Nascar essentially hangs on that small fact: people love watching car accidents and then say “oh I hope they’re ok!!” to make themselves feel and look like less of an asshole. We’re on to you. You aren’t fooling anyone.

 

So anyways, after I get hit by a car and fly up on the hood in a dramatic fashion I will be laying on the concrete. This is where you potentially come in, as it would be preferable for a friend to be with me so they can cradle me in their arms. I have compiled a short list of acceptable things to scream at the heavens while rocking me back and forth gently:

• KAHHNNNNNN
• TWIXXXXX
• NOOOOOO (always a classic)
• WHYYYYYYYYY (also fantastic)
• SHE HAD SO MUCH LEFT TO GIVE
• TAKE ME INSTEAD

I also should have mentioned earlier that my dream of getting hit by a car doesn’t include dying afterwards. This is crucial. I would like to be hurt but just a little bit. I’m thinking broken arm, leg, and possibly a small cut on my face or forehead that makes me look super mysterious and dangerous. I’m toying with the idea of a scar across the eye, but I’m not fully sold on it yet.

This could be me!! so cool. Also, was his name always Scar or is that just a nickname after he got the scar?

This brings me to phase two of my plan. The phase wherein I get crazy free money for doing something so easy. If I busted my arm I would get probably a couple thousand, even more if I bust the arm I use to write with. Or if I hire one of those tv lawyers that always has shitty ads in the middle of the day, like my childhood icon Jim the hammer Shapiro.

Plus if I was home off work I could marathon all the seasons of Aqua Teen Hunger Force without feeling like a guilty slob. Making it sound pretty great hey? Plus if I break my arm I get to use a rascal scooter when I go to Wal-Mart or if I’m using crutches I can whack jerks in the shin and then when they turn around I’ll be all “I’m disabled”

that's the stuff!!

Phase 3 is also crucial. This phase includes me getting tons of attention and possibly gifts because I got hit by a car. Think about it, your friend gets hit by a car you are probably going to get them a present. When I got my breast reduction surgery I got flowers, lots of pre surgery boobie grabs and my friend Darcy brought me balloons, booze and Bieber trading cards. It was fantastic!

AWWW YEAHH! that is pure joy you see on my face, oh and I was pretty messed up on pain pills so I might have been seeing God

Now that you are undoubtedly on board with my idea, you might be asking yourself why I haven’t executed it yet. It is shockingly difficult to let yourself get hit by car. I have had at least two opportunities to get hit by a car.The first of which I was in a parking lot at the grocery store when a car started backing up and it totally did not see me. “this is it!” I thought to myself. But at the last second I jumped sideways out of the way. I was so mad at myself and my stupid will to live. I’m sure my leap  was attributed 90% instinct and 10% that I just bought a Dijorno pizza and I really wanted to eat it. The second time I almost got hit by a car I was walking up to the movie theater to watch Scream 4. Again, probably 90% instinct and 10% that I really wanted to watch Sidney Prescott get chased around, actually maybe this one was more of an 80% 20% mix.

So if anyone out there has a vehicle and you see me walking across the street, feel free to give me a little tap. I would be very grateful and also sue you. Maybe someone out there reading this has a dream to hit a snarky internet blogger with a car and we will meet on some glorious day, and as your bumper shatters my femur the angels will smile down at our good fate.