Archive for the 'God-Awful' Category

The cause for the teardrops on my pillow: a review of my hate mail

Shocking, I know, but some people are just not amused by me and my blog. Pick your jaws off the floor because it is true! I know what you’re thinking: “But Rigs, you’re the voice of a generation and arguably the best writer Shakespeare!”  and “you’re like a beardless, less drunk Hemingway” True as that may be, and thank you for that Hemingway shout out Bryant,  I can not please them all.

I also look great in a cable knit sweater by the way.

You know those people who call the cops on house parties directly at 10 pm, or yell at skateboarders doing kick flips in front of the mall? well those people now have internet connections and they use them to be horrified and personally offended by everything written on websites. When I started this blog I thought “Hey, I like reading funny lists and reviews online, so maybe I could start my own and other people would like it”  and I did and I am so, so happy that my writing makes people laugh and brightens their day. I do it all for you guys and I appreciate that you come back to laugh at my misfortunes or drunkenly crafted lists.

here is a picture of a cat hugging a puppy to repay you for your loyalty.

I also knew when I started this that people with no sense of humor whatsoever would somehow find their way here through all their security settings and no doubt take everything I say much too seriously and choose to tell me what a fucking asshole I am for running my own website with my own opinions on it. I’m clearly history’s greatest monster.  Obviously these comments are hilarious to me and I always yell out to whoever is in my house that I got another hatemail and they crowd around the computer while I read them out loud (sometimes in a British accent) I almost always respond to these comments but shockingly I very rarely get a response back. I assume because whoever wrote it is on a new mission to stop the kids outside their house from playing street hockey because the puck is 10 feet away from their 1993 Pontiac. So without further ado here is my hate mail:

The first one I’m going to show you is from my article about The 5 lamest sports ever created I got quite a few comments on this regarding my harsh calling down of Ultimate Frisbee, but most of them were written by sane people who like playing it but clearly understand that this is a comedy website and not the goddamn gospel. Unfortunately one jackass didn’t get that memo and went crazy all up on me.

The offending comment:

“I think you’re an idiot! Who are you to judge what sports are lame and what sports are fun. Everyone loves different things and people shouldn’t be insulted for doing so. I personaly play ultimate frisbee and love it, but I also play many other sports as well and none come close to how much fun and laid back ultimate frisbee is. Why don’t you actually try and play the sport before you all insult it!

Final note you’re all morons especially the author who blogs her opinions about stuff that no one wants to here!

My response:

I’m sorry that you must have apparently suffered a debilitating accident during a rousing game of Ultimate Frisbee that has, obviously, scrambled your fucking brains. Thus causing you to forever mistake comedy websites for serious, hard hitting journalism. Judging by the amount of spelling errors in your complaint and the fact that you used the word “laid back” to describe a sport leads me to believe that you smoke a lot of pot. You are the angriest pot smoker I have ever encountered and I once ran over Woody Harrelson’s dog in front of him. Shine on you crazy diamond!

Lovingly yours,
Rigs

I actually received a response to this one from a person with a different name but somehow the same email (that’s right, I have these people’s personal emails but I’m not that huge of a bitch to share them with you guys) And their lovingly crafted response is as follows:

Yeah I suffered injuries because I mispelled one word, not the chick that blogs her idiotic opinions to a bunch of jackasses who hang on her every word. I feel bad for anyone who comes in contact with you in having to deal with your prejudice opinions based on what your air head come sup with on the spot. And no I don’t smoke pot I just know who to relax and be chill.

One Love

The fact that they call me an  idiotic air head and all of you lovely people jackasses and then ends the comment with “one love” is completely blowing my mind right now. Jesus take the wheel. This is amazing. Also, I do not feel bad for anyone who comes in contact with me in person because I am just a delight and I often pick up my friends from the bar when they call me wasted at 2 in the morning. Would a horrible person do that? I think not. They also posted another response to really hammer the point home that I’m the worst person they have ever not met in real life who once casually insulted a sport they play.

Hey Rigs I’m gonna start my own list of 5 lamest authors of stupid comedy websites and you and you’re site will be a sure shot at number 1. You’re a bitch, peace!

The Juxtaposition of “you’re a bitch” and “peace” is making me piss myself laughing. I think this might be the greatest day ever. I’m concerned about him starting his own website though, I don’t need any more competition.

My Response:

Is there a cash prize attached to being number one on your list of 5 lamest authors of stupid comedy websites? If so I would honored to accept. I will accept the following currency:

-Canadian Dollars
-Doubloons
-Nazi Gold
-Rupees (The legend of Zelda ones, not the Pakistan ones)

Hope to hear from you soon!

All my best to you and yours.

Hopefully he gets back to me soon because I need to buy some more bottles to catch fairies in.

Those fairies won't stand a chance a chance

Another one of my articles, this one about Juggalos, has received more hate comments than anything else I’ve ever written. This blew my mind on two accounts because

1) Juggalos know how to use computers?

and

2) Juggalos have money to pay for Internet connections?

There was a full on comment war on this article and I’m much too important lazy to copy and paste that shit. What I will show you is a comment from one “twiztid juggla” who is not fond of people making fun of Juggalos. His comment actually stems from a comment my friend Jenna made on the same blog comparing Juggalos to that fetish that involves people dressing up like babies. She also mentioned that she once threw lunch meat at a Juggalo because “everyone loves a free feeding” Basically, I love Jenna. Twiztid Juggla does not:

why should we give a fuck what people think?

why should i care how the hell you look at meh?

just cuz i have a nut sac big enough to do my own shit and do what i do withought giving a damn what people think of me, makes me a freak?…

then fuck yes imaa freak mutha fucka, fuck yall haters, talk ur shit somwhere else…cuz we dont brown nose ur shit..

I was actually so overjoyed to receive hatemail from an honest to god juggalo that I put this comment on my facebook fan page(which you can join here) as a note. It was like my version of when parents put pictures of their kids straight out of the chocha on facebook. My inferior by Juggalo standards response is as follows:

I’m sorry that you got so angry about my article that you apparently broke the caps lock button right off your keyboard.

I had no idea that my writing would strike such a nerve with your kind, and I say “your kind” because I think you must be a completely different class from Homo Sapiens. Perhaps Juggalos are the missing link. I don’t know, I’m not a scientist. What I am is someone who is deathly afraid of being hatcheted to death by a man in a clown costume so I will end my rant here.

Best of luck with that enlarged “nut sac”


twiztid juggla?

I wrote another article and horrible TV shows and I should have known the same people who watch shows about midgets making chocolate are the same kind of people who take everything too seriously and freak the fuck out at the drop of a hat. Thus:

You are the most bigoted asswipe I have ever had the displeasure of encountering. who the hell are you? These people are sweet, decent, loving, talented people. I have watched it from the start and the things they whip up out of chocolate are nothing short of amazing. If you had half the talent this couple has you wouldn’t have to go online talking shit about people you know nothing about. You admit to never having watched this program. You could at least see the creations that are made my this wonderful couple. Or you could go crawl up someonEs ass and do what you do best: sniff shit. JERK.

I’m totally picturing a 40-year-old cubicle worker who looks forward to watching this show and curls up on the couch with her cat Mr. Ribbons and a bowl of ice cream (she deserves a treat!) to watch it and after it’s over, she goes online to find spoilers for the next episode and somehow stumbles on my blog. With an unbridled rage she hammers out this comment while Mr. Ribbons paces back and forth anxiously because instinctively he knows something is wrong with his owner. Ice cream all but forgotten while she pens her hateful masterpiece. Only after rubbing one out in the tub to the cute vending machine guy in her office does she finally calm down.

My response:

I’m glad you took the time to read my blog and comment, it really keeps me going as I, much like those tiny chocolate makers, have faced diversity. You see, I am a midget myself and it takes a lot out of me to type out these entries on this normal people sized keyboard. If I have to type the word “whip” I need to take a break in between since the W and the P are so far apart on the keyboard. I also suffer from, as you pointed out, a debilitating shit sniffing compulsion. So I understand. I understand all too well. I do agree that they are probably talented but you must agree that the only reason they have a television show is because they’re midgets. They are a sideshow act and probably realize that but decided the big cheques are worth being made fun of on national television. No pun intended about the big cheque comment.

Lovingly yours,
Rigs

Well that’s about the only ones worth sharing at this point. The rest of them I mostly respond to with “too long, didn’t read” or I just read them, laugh about them and then forget about them (it’s the booze induced memory loss) hopefully I will do this blog for a very long time and more hilarious comments will come my way. Maybe I should up the ante and rip up a picture of the pope on Saturday Night Live.

I assumed she did this because the song "Nothing Compares 2 U" was about unrequited pope love


5 More freaky fetishes

Now I don’t want you assholes to think I’m some sort of sick bitch because I somehow know about all of these weird fetishes. The key point here is that I am aware of them but do not dig any of them.You might have read my older article about these sorts of erotic wonders but I promise you these ones are much, much more offensive.  I know you sickos know about some weird shit yourselves so don’t judge me. Let’s get this erotic(???) train rolling

1. Rule 34

The main source of my knowledge of these terrible, yet utterly hilarious fetishes is The Internet.  Ahh The Internet what would I do without you?  You’re like the Jack to my Rose, or the girl to the guy in that movie The Notebook. But you can also be the Dr. Moriarty to my Sherlock Holmes, the Lindsay Lohan to my justice system. Yet, I always come back to you even though you are responsible for Rule 34.

Not really a fetish per say but still something worth mentioning based solely on its troubling existence. Rule 34 is that if you can think of it there is a porn out there somewhere of it.  Pretty funny concept right? WRONG. Go ahead, think of two totally random things and I’m certain there is probably porn of one or both of them. I will be using my good friend MS Paint to cover up the offending pieces because, come on guy, this is a family place. But keep in mind that whatever you think is going on behind those black bars is probably what is happening and that I had to see it. The things I do for you.

Winnie the Pooh and the Cheerios bee? Check

I'll never eat honey nut cheerios again

The dudes from Mythbusters? We have that

Myth...busted? oh dear lord

Wall-E and Eva even though they’re robots? Goddamn it I wish there wasn’t but there is.

mother of god

Tony Stark somehow making out with Iron Man suit even though he’s Iron Man…so I guess just Tony Stark making out with his own helmet? We clearly have that.

that is one big head.

As you can tell I could go on but I really don’t want to. Please don’t make me. Also my upstairs neighbour came down to tell me she was having a party and I’m 100% sure she saw me looking at that Mythbusters one so that was neat. I’m sure, well I hope, most of these are made by people as a joke and most of them are restricted to various characters from TV and movies but I’m sure there’s a really, really nonsensical one that is also very well drawn so that it makes you wonder about the person who made it. I’m sure one of them is out there somewhere. Or here, which I’m going to show you  now:

I'm going to continue to never drink Mountain Dew again

Yes that is a can of Mountain Dew fucking what appears to be a ham sandwich. If only the artist chose to make it a Coke can fucking a Pepsi can, then he could claim it’s a statement on consumerism or some bullshit. But no, he just like seeing sandwiches getting banged by inferior soda products. YOU SICKO.

2. Pregnant Men

I totally forgot this movie existed but now I sort of want to rent it.

Pregnant Men fetish or MPreg as they call it in the biz, is I hope a huge joke but knowing the Internet and humanity as a whole, I’m sure this unfortunately the case. I stumbled upon this fetish when I saw this badboy on a website I frequent:

Wait.. is their house on the freakin' moon?

Obviously hilarious right? Well I made the unfortunate choice of trying to google that picture again later on and was both amused and terrified by the results. This fetish is exactly as it sounds: people getting off on images of pregnant men. I don’t know if it’s the morning sickness, the swollen ankles or the danger of peeing while laughing because there’s a goddamn baby pressed up against your bladder but something about it really rings these people’s bells. Also, there is a disturbing amount of drawings of a pregnant Professor Snape. Why just Snape and not Harry or someone else? I have no idea and I don’t want to know.In fact while trying to google a picture of it I found this:

http://www.shivered.info/snapempreg/fics/title.html

Yea, it is an entire website devoted to stories and drawings of a fictional wizard who may or may not be evil but is 100% with child. What the fuck Internet? You are tarnishing my love of Alan Rickman!

I really don’t know if I can move past this but I guess I should just soldier on.  I assume that unlike most fetishes, this one can only be expressed through horrible manipulated photos and shitty drawings because as far as I can tell there is no video footage of a pregnant man.

…except I guess the aforementioned Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. Oh god could you imagine people jerkin off to that? Actually, it’s probably better for your spiritual well-being if you don’t.

3. Pedaling

Goddamn it Internet. What is..HOLY SHIT CHECK OUT THE SIZE OF THAT STEERING WHEEL

This fetish revolves around the hot and steamy concept of a woman being stranded on the side of the road with car problems that just keeps pushing down on the gas pedal instead of calling BCAA like any other normal human being. This fetish especially bothered me because I can’t help but think of the potential money to be made if I videotaped that time I accidentally drove over a printer from the 80′s that was in the middle of my street once. And no I am not making that up I THOUGHT IT WAS A BOX ALRIGHT??

you smug son of a bitch

But if only I had known about this fetish I could have put that video up on this amazing site: http://www.pedalpumpinggirls.com/ and be warned, it is Exactly what it sounds like. I guess it’s actually probably pretty easy money for the girls in the video, they just have to dick around under the hood of a car for 6 minutes.

Anyways, because this fetish doesn’t necessarily include nudity you can actually find videos of it on youtube, which is nice for the perverts who want a safe for work wanking alternative.

This video and most pedal fetish videos seem to me to be what happens when you stop making a porn right before the sex starts happening. This is like a pizza boy delivering pizzas to a lonely housewife fetish that ends when she tips him and he gets back into his shitty Corolla. I just don’t get it but maybe that’s a good thing. Chalk one up for my soul!

4. Woolies

"I dunno guys, should I put on more wool? Is there such a thing as too much wool? I don't think so."

Goddamn it I am really starting to hate society as a whole. So woolies are people who get freaky with wool, more specifically wearing shit tons of wool and I don’t know..dancing around in it or dry humping or something. I can see several things wrong with this fetish:

1.Static electricity

2.Wool is itchy as all hell you guys

3.Seems that heat exhaustion would be a bit of an issue during a particular rousing session of being weird with wool suits

4.This fetish is awful because of the lack of tomatoes and dongs.

Uh wow, I stand corrected. Now I'm just going to call child services on an entirely different matter.

This is like the ultimate fetish for horribly burned people or extremely fat people, or that super ugly Mexican guy that’s in all those movies. Pretty much anyone who doesn’t want to be seen by society or who society does not want to look at. So Kudos to you wool freaks I guess! as long as we don’t have to look at your weird suits.

quit that!

5.Sneezing fetish

pictured: a filthy whore

OH COME ON NOW! Of all the symptoms of cold and flu season to be aroused by I must say sneezing is the worst. What about coughing? now that’s sexy! give me some nice whooping coughs oh baby, that’s the stuff.

Apparently the idea of some girls sneezing her brains out is goddamn erotic to some people. Which makes allergy season my least favorite time of year and some people see it as goddamn Christmas. Some people say that a sneeze is like 1/10th of an orgasm or something like that so maybe that’s why people think sneezing is sexy? I am going to disagree because half the time I sneeze I get snot in my hair and one time I wanged my head off my knee and almost KO’d myself. So maybe I’m just bitter against this fetish because I’m not a sultry sneezer and I’m just jealous. Or maybe it’s because I’m not a maniac who gets off on girls who have a cat allergy.

that's right...sneeze for me you little tramp

Despite my hopes that this would be a fringe fetish there is of course thousands of people who enjoy this and they, of course, all have Internet connections.There’s the sneeze fetish forum which has as many rules and regulations as a goddamn mortgage agreement and there’s also sneezing beauties which I’m sure spend most of their budget on the pepper they throw in their models faces. Also after looking at this website and just sneezing pictures in general I’m led to believe that people look their absolute worst when they sneeze. I’ve seen poised and graceful people sneeze and they looked fucking hilarious so I can only imagine how awkward I must look when I sneeze. See, there’s my bitterness coming back again. Why can’t a be a sexy sneezer? WHY??

I eat the food equivalent of a double dog dare: The KFC double down

When I started this blog I never thought it would come to this but here we are. I made a promise to you to eat and review one of these bastardized chicken creations and let you know how it goes, so umm let’s get to it I guess.

you cruel bitch.

So I rolled up  to KFC with one thought in mind: to poison my insides with a KFC Double down. I stood in line, behind two men dressed entirely in denim I might add, with my heart pounding in anticipation of cramming what is essentially a handful of chicken into my face. When it was finally my turn I could barely contain myself, I launched myself forward and basically screamed CAN I HAVE A DOUBLE DOWN?? in the womans face.

What happened next could not ever be anticipated.

“No, sorry, we don’t have those” was her response.

I gasped and clutched my chest in horror.What was I to do now? I promised the Internet that I would eat one of these things and I couldn’t go back on it now! Then a thought came to me and I decided that I, like many women trailblazers before me, would perserve in the face of adversity. I decided to ask them to MacGyver me up one of these delicious(???) treats.

exactly, novelty t-shirt graphic, exactly.

“Well then, I have to get one of these, I’m doing a review for a comedy website so…”

“What’s funny about this sandwich?” The troll like employee asked me with a hint of contempt in her voice.

What’s funny about this sandwich? How could I possibly answer that? What isn’t funny about this sandwich?

“It’s a sandwich where meat is the bread, don’t you think that’s funny?” I asked her. She stared blankly at me. Apparently she did not.

I’m going to try my best to recreate the conversation that then took place, because it is just a delight.

“Ok, well can you give me two chicken sandwiches minus the bread and toppings,  and throw some cheese and bacon in between the two patties?”

“….Do you want lettuce?”

“No, no lettuce or tomatoes or anything, just meat with cheese and bacon in between”

“…..I don’t know if we can do that”

“Ok well if you want I can do the guesswork for you and construct it myself, just give me two chicken sandwiches and put bacon and cheese on one”

“….so do you want lettuce?”

NO G.D. LETTUCE PLEASE

at this point a younger employee arrived and proceeded to laugh her ass off at my request and agreed to recreate it as best as possible for me. Thank god that she was not yet dead inside and humorless like the Grandmother Willow that was helping me before.

"welcome to KFC, would you like to paint with all the colours of the wind?"

I was handed my “sandwich” and I walked out of KFC with a skip in my step, I was off to poison myself all for the entertainment of others!

So I am now home and preparing to eat this thing. I must admit it looks pretty godddamn grimy and possibly even grosser than the actual sandwich that they offer, so here goes I guess.

cheese is the weapon of choice

A worried Jesus looks on

Well as soon as I sat down to eat it my roommate just said “Uh-oh” and started laughing so that is probably not a good sign. But I’ve got my screwdriver and what’s left of my dignity so let’s get this over with.

my hopefully not last supper.

First bite:

Well it smells overwhelmingly like grease and broken dreams so that was a hurdle to conquer before I even bit into it, but the taste was very multi faceted. It went from salty, to sort of ok, back to gross. I must also tell you that it left a huge amount of grease on my face so I look like I’ve been making out with a tub of vaseline.

After a few more bites I realized I can’t even taste any sort of flavour I’m familiar with. It doesn’t taste like cheese, bacon and chicken or even one of those things. It just tastes like salt and grease. I can only imagine how many calories I’m consuming and I haven’t eaten anything all day before this so I’m hoping that will somehow be ok but I’m sure tomorrow I will wake up 40 pounds heavier and wearing a bugs bunny sweater from 1993.

..or this woman. I will become this woman.

I have hit the wall after three bites. I need to take a minute and reflect because I honestly think I will die if I eat this thing too quickly. It isn’t very big but it’s really really dense. It’s…it’s just awful.

I also noticed this on the plate after a few bites:

You can just make your own speculations.

what the fuck is that? Is that water? is it cheese? WHAT IS IT?? Despite the appearance of this somewhat suspect mystery fluid, I am still pressing on.

I’m about halfway through this thing and it’s been probably 10 minutes since I started. This thing is like the food equivalent of  the movie Hostel. You have to take a break to get over the horror before you can move forward in your life. Plus I’m watching a  pretty great episode of Buffy the Vampire slayer from probably 1996 so that is also taking up some time.

pictured: the end of my selfworth

Well I removed the papertowel around it and as you can see some got stuck to the grease and is now glued onto the pattie. At this point I think the papertowel is probably the least of my worries. I’m just going to power through because no one likes a quitter and oh yea! I hate myself.

Well I just got a text from my friend who asked me how the double down was going and he then told me that he’s only eaten at KFC twice in the past 2 years and got food poisoning both times. That is not something I need to hear when my stomach is already full of processed meat and cheese.

even my cat is ashamed.

Well it has been probably 30 minutes since I started eating this thing because it’s just so overwhelmingly terrible, but I’ve decided to just go for it and cram the remaining amount into my face. My roommate is sitting here so I’m going to get him to document my look of horror.

I was trying to make this look funny but I was actually very upset at myself

me struggling not to vomit into my own hands

YUMMERS!

me in "my faces of death" video debut

I am beautiful, no matter what they say! HORFF HORFF

That was worse than I could ever imagine. The food turned into a gross cheesy chicken paste in my mouth and made it half impossible to chew. Immediately after those pictures were taken I had to go spit the rest of that….abomination out because my mouth was too full of salt and garbage for my brain to process and I think my heart almost stopped. Even now as I write this my mouth has a terrible taste of salt in it that I cannot get rid of. I am on my third glass of water and I still have this gross film in my mouth. I think I might die.

Plus it looked like Lindsay Lohans crotch.

Well this experience has altered me as a human being and I don’t think I will ever be the same. I know I can never eat at KFC ever again but I think I’m ok with that. I hope this amused you assholes because I feel like ass. I’m going to go eat an apple and then cry for a little while.

Hey Westboro Baptist Church, why are you guys such assholes?

Some of you might not be familiar with this church so let me lay it down for you: They are an insane family who preach the bible to people, but TO THE EXTREME. If you have ever seen a picture on the internet of someone holding a “I hate fags” or “fags burn in hell sign” it is either a member of the WBC, or a British guy who really hates cigarettes. They picket literally everything they can and routinely yell at people on street corners that they will burn in hell. To put it in perspective this church isn’t allowed to come to any part of Canada.Ever. They are completely banned from Canada because the government thinks they are a hate group and they are afraid Canadian citizens will straight up murder their asses.

pictured: two stone cold killers...and their yaks.

This family hates gay people to the point where it goes from rage inducing to just sad and awkward. They also love picketing dead soldiers funerals since they think God killed them because at some point in their life they must have given the thumbs up to a lesbian couple or something. In other words: If you are gay, if you don’t care either way about gay people, or if you are accepting of gay people, the WBC wants you to die  and go straight to hell. They have a name for people that accept gay people, and no it isn’t “rational thinkers” its “FAG ENABLER” I personally, am in love with this term. Maybe because it sounds to me like a good thing and also it sounds like something you could find in the phonebook next to plumbers and electricians.

“My fag won’t set up properly…I should call an enabler, he’ll get my fag router all fixed up”

"Well here's your problem, your Fabulous! fan has burnt out and air can't circulate fabulously anymore"

But all jokes aside, these people are truly despicable and I have such an unbridled rage towards them that I have to make jokes in order to not punch my computer screen repeatedly while frothing at the mouth. At what point do you wake up and tell yourself, you know what I hate? LITERALLY EVERYONE. I joke about hating lots of people (cough, Nicolas Cage, cough) but if it’s one thing I love it’s the rights for everyone everywhere to fall in love with whoever they want so I find it truly awful that these people are so hatefilled towards a group of people who just want to live and love like the rest of us (Giller award please) I’m not really familiar with the bible since pretty much everything I know about it I learned from the movie Seven and a design-a-mug: bible edition my friend bought for me as a joke, but I think I’m correct in thinking that  God frowns upon people being total hatefilled dickheads.

SPOILER ALERT: I put booze in mine

There’s actually an amazing documentary on youtube about this family and I haven’t seen something that made me alternate between laughing and crying this much since The Police Academy movie where they go to Russia.

That documentary is seriously worth a watch, if only for the unintentional laughs.

unlike this, which was a solemn event all the way through

But it’s not just Gay people this church hates, they also hate pretty much everyone else. Chances are they probably hate you. I know they hate me because I have no problem with gay and lesbians and I once had a sex dream about Barack Obama, so I’m pretty much destined to head to the worst layer of hell. The best part of this church is their signs, oh god the signs. Some of them are so bizarre they are hilarious. There’s the run of the mill “God hates fags” but there’s also some other fantastic offerings like:

  • Liz Taylor: Fag Lover (my personal favorite)
  • You will eat your babies
  • Bitch Burger (Wha??)
  • Barack will eat your babies
  • God REALLY hates Italy
  • God hates your tears (this one seems less hateful and more about how God doesn’t want you to be sad)
  • Fags eat poop (this one has a little cartoon poo at the bottom with stink lines so kudos for the artistic effort)

whoa, huge slam on Obama's grandma out of nowhere! Jeez you guys

As you can tell, This church gives me enough material to make fun of them for months, if not years. This whole situation totally blows my mind and I really hope God is up there freaking out that they’re bringing his name into all of their insane ramblings. The WBC have some pretty amazing websites you guys can check out too! http://www.godhatesfags.com there’s also http://www.godhatescanada.com and http://www.godhatestheworld.com which suspiciously leaves out New Zealand, so I guess they’re huge Lord of the Rings fans. Oh wait, Merry and Pippin were sort of gay together so scratch that.

But it’s not just Countries they hate! They also hate a wide variety of things:

  • Lady Gaga
  • Twitter
  • The Academy Awards
  • Michael Jackson
  • Italians (probably because of Jersey Shore)
  • Anyone who isn’t Christian (obviously)
  • The Pope
  • Isaac Hayes
  • New York City
  • Heath Ledger
  • Ireland (YOU SONS OF BITCHES I WILL CAR BOMB YOU)

So as you can see their hate varies from major religions to social networking tools. I’m pretty sure even Hitler hated less things then these turds. They also hate cultural arts, more specifically “Fag Plays” so hopefully this doesn’t escalate to them picketing children’s Christmas pageants

GOD HATES POORLY ACTED THREE WISEMEN

People like this baffle me because I can’t understand basing your entire life around hating pretty much everyone and being excited that you’re going to heaven and they aren’t.

I really dislike a lot of people but I can’t say that I would be happy to know they’re going to go to hell. It sucks really bad there, there’s the tattered rags and constant wailing and burning so no, I don’t really want anyone to go there. Except for maybe every single person in the Westboro Baptist Church. Wouldn’t that be hilarious? They’re all burning in hell while George Takei and his husband blow them kisses from heaven and Barack Obama’s grandma laughs at them and high fives Jesus. Oh man I’m excited for Heaven! it’s going to be kick ass.

word.

But honestly, these people are disgusting and I actually thought about whether or not to write about them but I decided in the end we should all probably just mock and boo these jerkoffs because in the end we are all much, much better than them and I’m pretty sure God thinks so too. Also, we are all much better looking than them in their dumpy outfits. Yea, I said it.

ALONG WITH POORLY ACTED WISEMEN, GOD ALSO HATES ILL FITTING PEACH SHORTS THAT WERE MOST LIKELY PURCHASED AT COSTCO

Hey Charlie Brown: kill yourself already

My god I hate Charlie Brown so much. He isn’t even funny. Maybe he should take a page out of Calvin and Hobbes book and try to be as amazing as they are. Fuck I hate him. I always have. Even when I was younger and I was supposed to like him and his dumb little comics and various holiday specials, even then I hated him with a passion that my tiny 7 year old body could barely contain. It wouldn’t be until years later when I could put a name to that feeling I had. I Loathe you. You hear that you goddamn yellow shirt wearing old man looking fuck? I LOATHE YOU.

You have literally nothing to smile about you round headed bastard.

Ugh and his friends are almost as bad. He hangs out with a total bitch, a smelly poor kid and a closeted lesbian couple. His dog is the only cool thing he has going for him and that isn’t something to be proud of.

I think the guy who wrote this was just like “hmm I can sort of draw kids ok, I’m just going to make a comic and assume people will read it because they have nothing else better to do other than die of Cholera” I say that because I am pretty sure this comic has been around since the goddamn 1800′s.

"the only thing that could take my mind off this terrible time we live in would be a drawing of a little white dog flying a plane around"

And his catch phrase: “Good Grief” are you serious with that? that is something that comes out of a widowers mouth when her cat Mrs. Whiskers spilled milk all over the floor. It is a phrase that a priest uses when he realizes someone put Canadian tire money in the collection plate. It is not a phrase that a child should use. Bart Simpson had “get bent” and “eat my shorts” Urkel had “did i do that?” and yet he takes the cake with goddamn “Good grief” good grief indeed Charlie, good grief indeed.

And you aren’t funny at all. At all. lets see what some of your comic strips have to offer

Now it took me a few times to get this. At first I thought it was a dog house and Snoopy was inside lamenting about how some girl never comes and hangs out with him on the weekends. Turns out its a goddamn wall that is talking. What? Am I missing something? I don’t remember a peanuts character that hung out next to a wall alot or like, did weird sexual things with a wall that would warrant said wall missing them.

I hate it when comics do this, you guys run daily so what if I missed yesterday when the talking wall was introduced? This reminds me of the time I read a for better or for worse when all that happened in it was a dog drowned trying to save a kid from a river. Im serious. Im sitting there with my cereal trying to have a good time and I’m bombarded with images of a cartoon dog flailing around in an icy river then dying of a heartattack as soon as he makes it to shore.

....Ha...ha?

Goddammit! where was I? oh yea, Peanuts sucks but at least they never murdered a dog. Let’s check out some other terrible comics they have to offer.

jesus christ Charlie, can't you do anything right? you're a mess.

Well I guess this is sort of funny. This is the kind of comic strip that someone named Helen would have hanging in her cubicle. Maybe thats the reason this comic has run for so long, because the world is full of boring, mediocre people who like things that don’t offend anyone and are therefore completely safe to enjoy. It’s either that or Charles Schulz made a deal with Lucifer and sold his soul for a lifetime of employment creating subpar comic strips with strong Christian undertones. DAMN YOU GOATFOOTED HELL BEAST.

"mwahah now I'm off to renew Two and a Half Men for another season"

These aren’t even a comic that I searched out to be terrible, I just typed Peanuts comics into google and these are the first ones that came up. Jesus Christ. Also, I’m pretty sure that 87% of the comics involve Charlie Brown being unable to kick a football and then later having a friggin mental breakdown about it talking to his pyscharist who is infact the exact same wench that caused him to miss the football. FUCK.

because there's nothing funnier than mentally ill children

Oh but the worst part about him is his fucking Christmas special. My god is this thing depressing. The Peanuts Christmas special is more depressing than the Supernatural Christmas special and in that one people get murdered by an evil Santa and Sam gets his goddamn fingernail ripped off. I actually gagged at this Christmas special and I still think it’s better than the Charlie Brown one.

I honestly hated this as a child, I watched every single christmas special but this one. I think I was really weirded out by that whole nativity scene where they recite lines from the bible, which sort of makes me look like an asshole because Christmas is a religious holiday but I am clearly just in it for the nog and gifts (don’t judge me)

Anyways I’m pretty sure this is the only Christmas special that involves a scene of a child telling his friend how depressed he feels around the holidays. Are you fucking kidding me? Kids are goddamn stoked around the holidays because they get time off school and get to throw snowballs with a rock hidden in them at kids they hate.

thats what you get for wearing orange sleeveless shirts after labour day you jerk

It just so fucking terrible. It’s basically about the over-commercialization of Christmas and getting back to the Christian roots of the holiday, which is ironic because it was originally sponsored by Coca-Cola and the original version had several animated coke cans throughout it.

It's what Jesus drinks when he's done a long day of Jetskiing

I don’t know if they are still making these comics anymore because I assume the guy who wrote them died several years ago at the age of 200. Let’s hope that’s the case. I just know that there are several (thousand) things I hate in this world and Charlie Brown is at the top of my shit list. Good Grief.

JUST DIE ALREADY

Dear Jeff Dunham: you and your shitty puppets are god awful

pictured: a man, 5 puppets and no talent.

pictured: a man, 5 puppets and no talent.

 

Holy crow i hate this guy. so much that i had to resort to using such foul language as holy crow (sorry jesus and mom) anyways if you think this guy is funny you have two choices:

1. Kill yourself

2. Move to the heartland of the united states to be with the rest of your kind

Puppetry is fucking gay and not funny at all. Unless you’re Sherry Lewis. I will make an exception there because we all love Lambchop and the song that never ends, Also Hushpuppy was amazing. But this isn’t about amazing puppeteers this is about shitty unfunny puppeteers.

oh my god i love this woman. charlie horse kind of sucked though. yes, i said it.

oh my god i love this woman. charlie horse kind of sucked though. yes, i said it.

I used to work in a CD store and every goddamn day people would come in and ask for this clowns Cds or Dvds and every goddamn day i would have the same conversation with them in which they told me how totally hilarious he is and how everyone just loves him and in which i died a little inside over the fact that this terrible hack of a comedian was making money to spend on more awful puppets.

That’s another thing, How fucking racist are his characters? If you aren’t familiar with them here’s a brief rundown:

Shockingly this isn't an average Jeff Dunham fan, this is a puppet

Shockingly this isn't an average Jeff Dunham fan, this is a puppet

 

Here we have the puppet Bubba J. get it? He’s poor and a redneck and his name is Bubba J. Hilarious. Fucking terrible. Not only is this thing utterly terrible but it is also utterly terrifying. If this puppet came alive it would probably rape you, kill you and then drink all your beers and beat your dog for awhile before going out to look for some beef jerky. I truly enjoy the fact that it’s supposed to be a redneck idiot but it’s wearing a USA shirt. Something tells me the irony is lost on the audience judging by the fact that most of them are probably wearing that exact same shirt.

well hello racist puppet! how are you today, besides offensive?

well hello racist puppet! how are you today, besides offensive?

 

So this is Jose the Jalapeno. or as  i like to call him: Racist caricatureof a Mexican on a stick. My favorite part is that it looks like its both drunk and stupid and I really appreciate the addition of the sombrero because I probably wouldn’t have understood that he was Mexican otherwise. Jackass.

Not funny. AT ALL.

Not funny. AT ALL.

And this is the most popular character in Jeffs arsenal of crap. Achmed the dead terrorist. I love his Turban because I enjoy my racial stereotypes to be glaringly obvious. might i add that he speaks in an Indian accent? get it?  because all  Indians are terrorists! oh my god that is hilarious! you know who would really enjoy this joke? totally ignorant idiots!

you filthy terrorist.

you filthy terrorist.

It takes a lot to offend me, but i mean jesus christ. how is this funny? It isn’t. The only reason this is acceptable to people is because it’s racist towards east Indians who apparently are the only terrorists in the entire world according to jerkoff retards in the US. since, you know, no terrorist attacks happen in say Ireland, or Africa or really any other place in the world. Fuck. Anyways, this abominations catchphrases include “I kill you” and “silence you infidel” oh man, I’ve gotta tell you guys my stomach hurts from laughing so much!

Oh wait, that’s my soul trying to leave my body. It honestly makes me sick that this guy has mainstream popularity and i think its because I don’t want to come to terms with the fact that someone is actually choosing to spend time and money watching this.

Oh right, There’s also an old man puppet and some purple thing but I’m too lazy to give a  happy gay shit about it.

So now its come to the part of the article where i watch some of this and let you guys know how it goes. well I found a clip on youtube that is 10 goddamn minutes long but I’m going to try and muscle through it. wish me luck.

Any hopes of me laughing were dashed by the fact that this video has received over 90 million views. Why is this assclown getting 90 million views while Stella got canceled after one season?? fuck.

so the first few minutes of this video are spent by this puppet saying silence to the audience and rolling his eyes around. WHAT THE FUCK. seriously! this is brutal, he just keeps saying i kill you in a funny voice and people are shitting their pants. Oh apparently Achmed is a suicide bomber. wow. I really want a soylent green sort of situation to happen, only instead of Charlton Heston yelling “SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!!”  someone stands up in the audience and screams “THIS ISN’T FUNNY AT ALL DON’T YOU GET IT!!!” but people just keep laughing. The Horror.

wow, the movie poster doesn't really hide the twist end all that well, what with the giant metal shovel full of people and all.

wow, the movie poster doesn't really hide the twist end all that well, what with the giant metal shovel full of people and all.

Well I got about 3 minutes in but i really couldn’t do it anymore. I honestly don’t understand why anyone is willing to sit and watch this.

So as i was writing this i stumbled upon a lesser known Jeff dunham creation:

wow.

wow.

That would be a pimp named sweet daddy dee. Is this guy for real? How goddamn racist can you get with a comedy act that is mainly comprised of puppets??? I’m honestly shocked at this and i watched 2 girls 1 cup without gagging. (i also put that on my resume under special skills)

This is just wrong on so many levels and I’m beginning to think this guy is a serious racist who may or may not own several confederate flags. that is simply here-say but feel free to spread that around. I mean, there are ways to approach racial stereotypes in comedy and most talented comedians will do it in a very tongue in cheek way. Jeff’s tongue is no where near his cheek, in fact it’s helping to propel spit forward out of his mouth onto the grave of Rosa Parks.

the only person who loves tyra banks is tyra banks

my cat gets the same look when he uses his litterbox too.

my cat gets the same look when he uses his litterbox too.

goddamn it i hate tyra banks. she is so fucking useless and talks exclusively about herself.every single sentence that comes out of this bitches mouth include the words diversity, struggle, obstacles, and of course I.

she honestly pisses me off to no goddamn end. if you are a white jewish male aged 45, tyra has a a story about herself to apply to your life. if you are a baby sea turtle who was just born and is struggling to get towards the ocean, tyra has a story about herself to apply to your life. we get it tyra, you think you are jesus. last time i checked jesus wasnt a washed up model that constantly calls things fierce. fuck!

I OVERCAME OBSTACLES. IM FIERCE

I OVERCAME OBSTACLES. IM FIERCE

oh my god and americas next top model, its so so terrible now. i used to watch this show religiously basically because the first episode i saw involved a girl getting called a whore on the phone by her crying boyfriend. i was hooked from that moment. unfortunately, just like that first hit of heroin, that high was not to be repeated. the show is just a big soapbox for tyra to talk about herself and yell at the girls who fuck up. oh my god its just a trainwreck. and then the girls always do photoshoots that tyra did already but of course, she did it much better if you ask her goofy ass. plus the winners go nowhere and probably end up being tyras personal poison tester or some shit after the show ends. because you know people try and poison her.

Dear Tyra: Consume.

Dear Tyra: Consume.

oh my god and remember when she got called fat in that bikini photo? good lord call the cops, an unflattering photo was taken of a celebrity who is constantly in the public eye. stop the goddman presses. im not even a celebrity but i can count offhand at least a dozen terrible photos of me floating around the internet. but do i host an hour long show in the same outfit i was filmed in and start screaming about how beautiful i am? no. i just punch whoever posted the photo right in the goddamn face the next time i see them. but she seriously went to the lengths of getting a cardboard cutout of that picture and standing next to it in the same bikini while going on an insane rant ending with her proclaiming that people should “kiss my fat ass” um no thank you tyra, i dont know where that ass has been.

wait..which ones the real one?

wait..which ones the real one?

but honestly, get the fuck over it tyra. no one gives a shit about you anymore. we get it, you’re fierce and proud of your curves. do you know what this fuckwit gave miley cyrus for her 16th birthday? a friggin picture of herself when she was 16. im sure that went over well. i bet the inside of mileys sock drawer loves seeing that picture because you damn well know thats where she put it. either that or she put oh i dunno, a photo of herself or a friend in the frame and burned the tyra picture. honestly, i dont have that much money but i know for a fact i could have come up with a better present for miley cyrus. a fucking bag of skittles is a better present than that.

i cannot believe she has a talk show. who decided she had the credentials to run a talk show? i want that man to be beaten to death in an alley by russian mobsters.  i cannot stand listening to her talk for more then 15 minutes and i know i cant be alone on this. the only way i could stand her for maybe 45 minutes would be if i thought i had a chance to fuck her. but since im a straight woman, that isnt ever going to fuckin happen. plus whenever she has a male guest on she just goes off for the entire interview time about how good looking they are and rubs their legs. you know as soon as the show is over she awkwardly tries to initiate oral sex but it never happens. not even a handjob tyra, thats how terrible you are.

"WHO WANTS A FIERCE BJ??"

"WHO WANTS A FIERCE BJ??"

honestly, she fucking thinks shes the smartest person alive. i bet she routinely bursts into laboratories doing cancer research exclaiming she knows the cure and its soooo fierce. the only other person as douchey as her is Bono. i would pay to see Bono and Tyra have a debate where they had to debate that the other person was the best person in the world, im pretty sure their heads would explode and we would probably make that day a national holiday.

pretend this shot from scanners is tyra or bono exploding. thanks.

pretend this shot from scanners is tyra or bono exploding. thanks.

you are god awful vol. 3

you are such a jackass.

you are such a jackass.

you are just the worst.  i remember when you first came on the scene and i stumbled on your musicvideo and i thought when it was over someone would call me to tell me i was going to die in seven days. it was so awful and i didnt know who you were at the time and i needed to watch all the way through simply because i needed to know who was responsible for raping both my eyes and ears at the same time.  oh and lady gargoyle, the lightning bolt thing? david bowie circa 1974 called and said you’re a thieving whore.

you know the girls everyone went to school with that wear retarded outfits or act really loud and obnoxious so people wont notice they’re actually an empty shell of a human being with no original thoughts or feelings of their own? you are the combination of all those dumbass girls lady gaga. wearing fucking stupid outfits with no pants or shitty sunglasses you cant even fucking see out of doesnt make you an artist you dumb wench. it makes you a tool. you are the epitome of jackass hipster doofus. and while im on the subject, stop wearing glasses with fake lenses in them! as someone who needs to wear glasses i take personal offense to people who wear glasses but dont need them, to quote george costanza, its like using a wheelchair for the fun of it.

where is your god now?

where is your god now?

oh and the songs, the songs are just poison to my eardrums. you know what doesnt make a good lyric? ” i wanna take a ride on your disco stick”  BRAVO lady gaga, everyone step down because any other music created from this point on should just go straight in the garbage because lady gaga just blew all of our minds with her brilliant insight and god given talent.  now to give you a fighting chance Gaga, can i call you gaga? sounds fucking retarded when its put like that doesnt it? but as i was saying, to give you a fighting chance i listened to your album in its entirety to see if it got any better, and most of my hair turned gray and fell out. thanks for the memories you whore. you are just god awful.

you are god-awful. volume 2.

she smells as good as she looks.

she smells as good as she looks.

Amy Winehouse. Ugh. I hate you so much it makes me want to learn a second language to even more so convey how much I hate you. Or possibly convey how much I hate you through the magic of song. Anyways, you are just the worst. Even when you weren’t as insane as you are now I still hated you. I’m proud of this fact because It makes me feel like im not a bandwagon jumper, or its second cousin, the coat tail rider. But let me go on about how awful you are amy.

Now when you first appeared on the scene I noticed something other may not have at first. That you are missing a godamn tooth for one. The only people that are allowed to be missing teeth are boxers and old tymey prospectors. I don’t see you with either a gold pan or a pair of boxing gloves, so that brings me to the conclusion that you are a fucking scumbag. This was still back in the day when your beehive hairdo was “quirky” and “charming” you did not charm me miss winehouse. As a side note, my boyfriend once told me you were hot. Yes, that’s right. And when I pointed out the horrible random tattoos and awful make up and yes, even your missing tooth, he replied “she’s hot in like a gnarly way” this was when you didn’t weigh as much as a seven year old child and still had breasts and I assume a menstrual cycle, so I let it slide. Now that you are a disgusting hobgoblin I like to occasionally rub it in my boyfriends face.

“hey matt, what do you want for dinner? Oh remember when you said amy ‘more crack please’ winehouse was good looking?”

or

“I know the rattlesnake venom is spreading quickly and we need to get to the hospital, but I just need to stop and tell this woman waiting for the bus that you used to have a thing for amy winehouse”

some people may think I’m picking on you amy, but let me refrence this old chestnut of a youtube video in which you handle hairless baby mice and make them talk in weird voices about how your husband is in jail.

now amy, its not your singing that I hate, remember when you used to sing? No I imagine you don’t. its really just everything about you that I hate amy. now I’ll admit I thought the pictures of you wandering around barefoot in your bra at night were a bit funny and I liked to give you the benefit of the doubt, you might be a werewolf and you just transformed back into human form, but im sure the bra would have ripped off. the only conclusion is that you are a drug addled lunatic.but its not funny anymore amy. just stop. im not saying kill yourself, im just saying I have a stool and a length of rope if you were ever to need one. i don’t understand how you arent in jail. If an insane toothless woman wearing short shorts and a bra top came up to me rambling about god knows what in a british accent, I would call the po-po, but apparently its ok if it’s amy friggin winehouse. This woman should be used for a science experiment to see how many days straight people can inject crack into their eyeballs without dying. I think shes on month 4 now. If were to ever have children I would probably kidnap them and let them run free in the wild. Baloo and bagheera seemed to do a pretty good job. I guess what im trying to say is that a wild panther and an overweight bear are better people then you.

You are god-awful.

you are god-awful. volume one.

F U

F U

Eff you Matthew mcconaghay. Eff you. Im not even sure if I spelled your name right, but I really don’t care. You enrage me. you are so god-awful In every sense of the word. I’ll admit it, when I was like 14 I might have had a crush on you, but it was more of a “well I guess everyone else does so I might as well too” sort of like a gay kid convincing himself that Britney spears circa 1999 is hot. Except I was the gay kid. Anyways.. I hate you. You are a stoner doofus and for some reason you keep getting paid. I guarantee there is a picture of you shirtless on the beach doing pushups for every day of the year. Even leap years Matthew. Even leap years. And then when you even bother putting on a shirt its never buttoned up and there is a 87% chance its white linen. GOD.

And your movies. They are as the French say, le terrible. You arent charming in any way at all, and your acting is sub par at best. You are the stoner loser man equivalent to Sandra bullock. Ya, I said it. You are in at least one romantic comedy a year, and I hate romantic comedies almost as much as I hate you so you can guess how well this is going to work out. God damn it you are so generic and terrible.

Also, maybe I’m the only one getting this vibe, but im just going to throw it out there. You look like you would slap a woman in the face. Yes that’s right. You would slap a woman right in the face and somehow turn it around using your “southern charm” to make it seem ok. You would probably say something like “alright, alright, alright baby, you know that was an accident, I meant to lovingly caress your cheek but im just too powerful from all those shirtless beach pushups and don’t know my own strength” and then you would put on a pair of sunglasses and possibly play the bongos. Fuck I hate you. You are an abusive husband matthew, and the movie going public is your crying wife.

You are god-awful good sir, and no amount of high naked bongo playing will ever get you in my good books.


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