Make my dreams come true used Honda Civic!!

I know what you’re thinking. But hear me out. This has several advantages to it. So here is my explaination as to why getting hit by a car would be pretty radical.

First of all, getting hit by a car would, I assume, look super cool to anyone who happened to see. Think about that movie Meet Joe Black. What are you thinking about? The scene where Brad Pitt gets smoked by a car that’s what you’re thinking about. I haven’t actually ever seen that movie in it’s entirety but I have watched that scene several times and laughed heartily. So if I could get hit by a car and give some passerby that sort of hilarious entertainment then why not? I’m just a giving person, it’s just who I am. I’m so giving that here’s a clip from Meet Joe Black that I was talking about a few sentences ago. You’re welcome.

Also, there was at least 15 different choices of clips I could go with that were on Youtube. That is how much people love seeing other people get hit by cars, the entire success of Nascar essentially hangs on that small fact: people love watching car accidents and then say “oh I hope they’re ok!!” to make themselves feel and look like less of an asshole. We’re on to you. You aren’t fooling anyone.

So anyways, after I get hit by a car and fly up on the hood in a dramatic fashion I will be laying on the concrete. This is where you potentially come in, as it would be preferable for a friend to be with me so they can cradle me in their arms. I have compiled a short list of acceptable things to scream at the heavens while rocking me back and forth gently:

• KAHHNNNNNN
• TWIXXXXX
• NOOOOOO (always a classic)
• WHYYYYYYYYY (also fantastic)
• SHE HAD SO MUCH LEFT TO GIVE
• TAKE ME INSTEAD

This could be me!! so cool. Also, was his name always Scar or is that just a nickname after he got the scar?

that's the stuff!!

Phase 3 is also crucial. This phase includes me getting tons of attention and possibly gifts because I got hit by a car. Think about it, your friend gets hit by a car you are probably going to get them a present. When I got my breast reduction surgery I got flowers, lots of pre surgery boobie grabs and my friend Darcy brought me balloons, booze and Bieber trading cards. It was fantastic!

AWWW YEAHH! that is pure joy you see on my face, oh and I was pretty messed up on pain pills so I might have been seeing God

Now that you are undoubtedly on board with my idea, you might be asking yourself why I haven’t executed it yet. It is shockingly difficult to let yourself get hit by car. I have had at least two opportunities to get hit by a car.The first of which I was in a parking lot at the grocery store when a car started backing up and it totally did not see me. “this is it!” I thought to myself. But at the last second I jumped sideways out of the way. I was so mad at myself and my stupid will to live. I’m sure my leap  was attributed 90% instinct and 10% that I just bought a Dijorno pizza and I really wanted to eat it. The second time I almost got hit by a car I was walking up to the movie theater to watch Scream 4. Again, probably 90% instinct and 10% that I really wanted to watch Sidney Prescott get chased around, actually maybe this one was more of an 80% 20% mix.

So if anyone out there has a vehicle and you see me walking across the street, feel free to give me a little tap. I would be very grateful and also sue you. Maybe someone out there reading this has a dream to hit a snarky internet blogger with a car and we will meet on some glorious day, and as your bumper shatters my femur the angels will smile down at our good fate.

This is where it got tricky. Whereas the other installments in this franchise actually had a plot, however terrible and weak it was, there was still some semblance of one. This movie had no plot to speak of. Literally all of the events in this movie could have been condensed into 30 minutes. While I was watching it I was actually sweating about how I would possibly write a review of it when there was no substance. I’ll try for you my darlings.

So the last movie ended with Edward awesomely ripping a vampires head off and this movie not so awesomely starts with Bella and Edwards insufferable sister getting ready for Bella’s upcoming wedding, they do this by showing Bella clumsily walking in heels, because she’s just so quirky! They also panned over to Edward staring out from his balcony for a solid 30 seconds but never explained why. I like to think that he was dreaming of a better life when he was just a bit player in a Harry Potter movie and women didn’t try to cut pieces of his hair off while he walked by.

expert hiding Rob! also, is that girl on the left Sabrina the teenage witch?

Later that night, Edward creeps hard on Bella in her room just for old time sakes and to explain to her that he kind of sucked (pun!) back in the day because he killed people when he was first a vampire. They had a flashback of Edward wearing a fedora (that’s how we know it was the 40’s) axing a dude, and he claims that everyone he killed was a murderer so it was kind of ok. Bella, of course, is totally cool with her soon to be husband’s confession of countless murders. I also noticed that she was not concerned with her soon to be husband exclusively sucking on dudes necks.

presented without comment.

Edward is then whisked away for his bachelor party by his lame brothers, one of who I thought was a brand new character because they gave him an Ellen Degeneres circa 1998 haircut. It was grim. Bella of course just goes to bed because she has no friends. Wah wahhh.

Anyways, since this movie just has to pack so much action and intrigue into 2 hours, they dive headfirst into the wedding. This scene took roughly 30 minutes. I have been to actual wedding ceremonies that were shorter than this scene.

Ok so the wedding is fully in gear and after walking up the aisle for 5 minutes Bella is finally up at the front with her goon of a husband. He decided to style his hair terribly. This actually was a real bone of contention with me because this man normally has glorious hair and for this entire movie it looks like he just got out of a rainstorm. Even Matt commented on it. Clearly you can guess how riveting this movie was if the main characters hair quality was an important point. Bella’s dad and his mustache were looking foxy as always.

minus Bella hurr durring in the foreground, this photo is flawless.

Anyways, I was about 3 drinks in at this point and the wedding was STILL going on! Some other stranger bitch vampires showed up and I think one was either mad that Edward didn’t boink her or that there was werewolves at the wedding. I probably should have mentioned that before but yes, those stupid werewolves were there.

Jacob then showed up and roughly shook Bella for a few seconds while telling her she’s stupid for marrying Edward and she kind of takes it until Edward zoomed over and is like “not cool bro” then they mercifully left the scene to go to Brazil for their honeymoon.

I feel that I need to bring this up. How exactly is Edward getting a passport? Or a driver’s license? Dude is like a hundred years old. I was discussing this with Jenna and we came to the conclusion that there’s some sort of secret Vampire society working amongst Government officials to supply vampires with Government issued ID. Or alternatively he’s like The Flash and can just fun so fast that he can skid along water and he just ran to Brazil. Again, judging by this exchange you can guess how enthralling this film was.

Finally the moment my loins and I have been waiting 3 movies for arrived. They bang. While Edward goes and stands in the ocean looking up at the moon (gayyyyy) Bella spazzes out in the bathroom because she’s nervous for the humping. Her husband is a 100 year old virgin, she really has nothing to worry about. Anyways, They finally bang!! I was so excited once they started getting down and dirty. But it was all for naught because just as Edward got one pump in, they cut to black. I was so enraged. I have seen sexier episodes of Pokémon. I don’t know why they couldn’t just give us the goods! WE CAME TO SEE FILTHY BANGING!! (also when I wrote “spazzes out” earlier, my computer autocorrected it to “pizzas out” and I cannot stop laughing about it)

This was about it folks. I just saved you 2 hours.

So the next morning Bella wakes up and is covered in feathers because her borderline abusive husband broke the shit out of their bed with his vigorous banging. She’s like “best night of my life!!” and Edwards like “sorry for the soft tissue damage” seriously. Because he’s so strong, the power of his vampire boner caused him to rough her up so she’s covered in bruises. This really does not sit well with me. There’s nothing wrong with a little bit of roughness but only if both parties are down for it and there’s a safe word in place (cacao) this was clearly not the case. Edward feels pretty bummed out about the whole thing and Bella in true feminist fashion is concerned that she wasn’t good enough for him.

This movie franchise is going to breed a generation of women who think it’s ok if they get smacked in the mouth as long as their boyfriend is mysterious. Seriously, if you went to a police officer and gave him a list of things Edward does to Bella and said a guy was doing them to you, he would urge you to press charges. He watches her sleep, isolated her away from her family and what little friends she had, dismantled part of her vehicle so she couldn’t drive it to visit a guy he didn’t like, and now for the icing on the cake: beat the hell out of her on their wedding night.

I googled "woman beater" to get a stock photo and this came up right away. Well played Google.

Anyways, they get over this incident and move on to other exciting honeymoon activities like playing chess. I’m also serious about this. There was a montage of them hiking, playing chess, swimming, playing chess, PLAYING CHESS. Finally Bella breaks down her husband and he decides to sleep with her one more time. Big mistake.

This brings us to the movies extremely tepid third act. That’s right, it’s almost over. I know what you’re saying to yourself “but nothing happened! How can it almost be over??” well it is. SO DEAL WITH IT.

Bella somehow becomes pregnant with Edwards monster fetus and in his first good idea ever he’s like “let’s abort that jazz!” and Bella’s like no I love it bla bla. So they fly back to Edwards parents place and she becomes increasingly pale and Gollum like because the mutant baby is eating her from the inside out. It’s pretty funny.

It's true what they say, pregnant women do have a glow

Meanwhile Jacob realizes that he’s still in this movie and he is pretty mad that Bella’s all knocked up, so after a scene on a beach where him and his Indian pals play soccer (intercut with Darcy yelling “This movie is correct! Indians love playing soccer!!”) The wolfpack decides to kill that baby. Solid plan I say. There was a very bizarre and unintentionally hilarious scene where Jacob and the other wolves argue in wolf form about it but in their heads. This was especially funny to me because I pictured the actors in sound booths reciting these stupid lines while they died a little inside. I have no idea what happened at the end of this argument because I was completely checked out at this point. Sorry.

Thus brings us to the funniest part in the entire movie. Bella is full Gollum at this point and is looking really gross. Edwards sister is all gung ho on the baby so she’s looking after Bella and they’re in the bathroom. Edward walks by and sees so he stands there and stares. His sister notices and does the classic slow door close straight out of The Godfather. It was amazing if only for reminding me for a split second that good movies do exist out there. Edward is very concerned about his wires increasing resemblance to Tutankhamun’s mummified corpse and decides to go online and YAHOO mutant vampire babies. That’s right. He uses YAHOO. This made Jenna and I lose our minds because WHO USES YAHOO??? I just had to mention it because, really? YAHOO? Come on Cullen, get your head in the game.

I googled "yahoo" and for a split second I thought I might open a wormhole

Finally Bella goes into labour and we’re treated to a really weird scene with lots of flashing lights and general terribleness. Edward has to bite the baby out of her guttyworks, which was less funny than I expected.  And then just stands there like a goon with blood all over his mouth as he holds the baby. They really should have just spliced in the scene with the chest burster from Alien. Oh right, and Bella dies.

You’re welcome for that little ditty. Edward is pretty sad about it and decides to bite her all over the effing place to try to get her heart started/turn her into the most awkward vampire ever. Where Edwards father is, who is an actual doctor, was not discussed. Half the family was just absent entirely. Bad time to go for a Taco Bell run I guess. Meanwhile, CGI Wolf Jacob is running to the house to murder that stupid baby. Once he lays eyes on the baby though, his plan changes.

What I’m going to explain to you is 100% what happened. I am not making this up and I’m actually glad my brain couldn’t come up with this. Earlier in the movies they had explained that werewolves “imprint” on other people thus falling in love with them forever. I think you know where I’m going with this. Jacob falls in love with the baby. I’m serious. There’s a nice little flashforward where they show what the baby will look like all grown up and I guess that’s supposed to make us feel better about the whole thing. This is just another nail in the coffin of women’s rights that this series just despises for some reason. What if the baby doesn’t love Jacob back? Is she just forced from birth into marrying this stupid llama face? That never came up in the previous times they talked about imprinting because who cares right? They’re just women. Don’t forget though: a woman wrote this series. She’s a very rich, stupid woman.

oh my god guys, check out this fucking (literal) babe

Meanwhile Edwards plan to bite his wife back to consciousness unfortunately worked and she pops open her eyes and oooh they’re red because now she’s a vampire!!!

The End.

Yup. That was the entire movie. I explained the entire mess to you. Keep in mind that they did split the last book into two movies, so the second one has to be better, right? Ughhh. Sorry to add to your post New Years nausea with that fact.

October Baby

First of all, as soon as this girl said she was an abortion survivor I immediately thought of Charlie Kelly from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Please tell me some of you did as well.

Second of all, what? Is this movie supposed to scare people into not getting abortions because your botched abortion baby could show up at your door years later with a stupid look on her face? that does sound horrible actually.

One of my favourite parts is at around the 50 second mark when the girl asking “why am I sick?” is immediately followed by a reviewer saying they laughed so hard. Also please note that this quote  was taken from an abortion survivor, which is very alarming because I’m sure the family dinners are supremely awkward at that household.

As the trailer goes on we realize that this girl is in fact adopted and goes on a fun filled roadtrip to find the woman who tried to abort her ass. I don’t understand why the movie wasn’t just about a girl trying to find out who her birth mother is, why throw in the “botched abortion” angle? It seems very distasteful and almost completely scientifically inaccurate. If anything this movie wants me to support abortions more so that doctors won’t be so shitty at giving them and fuck up the whole thing leading to wacky roadtrips down the line. Lord knows we do not need another Crossroads situation on our hands.

I know abortions are a touchy subject but I really feel that Kang and Kodos said it best.

“Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others”

C Me Dance (yes it’s C, not see)

I have no idea what the fuck this mess of a trailer is supposed to tell us. The first half seemed like a girl who thought she could defeat cancer with a combo of dancing/prayer and then it took a sharp turn around the minute mark and became a movie with a demon in it? I love how when they first showed the demon a bunch of leaves were swirling around him because if The Happening taught us anything it’s that weather is EVIL.

FUCK YOU GUYS

Is this movie about a girl who challenges the devil to a dance off (hopefully in a factory!) and then if she wins she doesn’t die of cancer? That doesn’t sound entirely terrible, especially if it was in 3D!!!!

I really just can’t get past the whole C in the “C me dance” ridiculous! Oh apparently on closer inspection the demon in question is actually in fact Lucifer himself. Apparently the prince of darkness has nothing better to do than bother an overacting teen, a teen I might add who is not even  blonde. Why is he wasting his time with Sarah plain and tall? disgusting. I hope this movie ends in a Devil went down to Georgia situation and when the girl beats the devil in a dance off he has to hand over his golden leg warmers

So Awesome!

A Warriors Heart

Despite looking like it should have been released directly to VHS  in 1998, this movie is actually just being released.  I am quite familiar with the two main actors from getting drunk at the last three Twilight movies and having to stare at their bland faces. What a pair of honky crackers. This movie is totally all over the map, first it looks like it’s a love movie between two highschoolers who are clearly well into their 20′s, and then it might be a sport movie about FUCKING LACROSSE. But then you think it’s a movie about a soldier dying in Iraq, and then a movie about some kid going to a native american boot camp. This movie trailer made me say “wait..what?” 4 times. FOUR TIMES. That is uncalled for! I was already on planning to include this movie on the list the second Lacrosse came in the picture but then it was just cemented after the Native American Bootcamp got brought in. But really, Lacrosse? I feel I can’t move past this.

ah! this includes both lacrosse AND a Native American, do you think this movie was based entirely on this image result from Google?? I MUST INVESTIGATE FURTHER

I am really, really sick of movies pandering to the whole Iraq war veteran thing. I mean, I really want them to bring the troops home just so I won’t get a bad taste in my mouth after seeing all these retarded movie previews when I’m just trying to enjoy my fucking Swedish Berries! Which brings us to our next Cinematic masterpiece…

Act of Valor

Ughhhh. I got bored halfway through this preview and it was only 2 minutes long. So what exactly is the story? who are these people and why should we care? We get it. The United States is proud of its army. Stop making movies about it. Oh and maybe don’t stick an ad for a video game at the end of your movie trailer if you want to send any sort of legitimate message. That message being, of course, FUCK YES AMERICA WE BLOW SHIT UP AND RESCUE WOMEN WITH BLACK EYES BETTER THAN YOUR COUNTRY WOOOOO. I did kinda dig on that dude falling in the water into the loving arms of a SEAL though, that was very touching.

This movie trailer was actually brought to my attention by my friend Di after she told me about a movie preview she saw that was even shittier than the one for that UFC movie I wrote about earlier. I sent her a link to that fucking lacrosse  movie thinking that might be it but she corrected me and showed me this badboy. I wish every single day that she hadn’t. DAMN YOU!

So please, If anyone from the Academy is reading this, please for your consideration: the four greatest movies of our, nay, ANY generation. Not even Kanye could disagree with these winners!

haha oh Kanye! you smug fuck.

happy holidays from this guy, glowsticks and E.

The closest thing to Black Friday that we have in Canada is Boxing Day and as someone who has worked in a mall for 3 consecutive Boxing Days, I’m going to go ahead and say it was not as bad as some of this footage I’ve been seeing of Black Friday. I used to work at a lingerie store and on boxing day we would only let in a few people at a time so we wouldn’t get totally mobbed. My job was to stand at the door and let people in one at a time until there was 15 people in the store. I must say that I did go a bit mad with power. I was like an underwear bouncer and people lost their minds at me. A grown woman yelled at me for not letting her in fast enough and another woman tried to give me 5 bucks to let her in right that second. So that display was less frightening and more sad, and really hilarious to talk about. I’ve never set foot in a mall on Boxing Day when I wasn’t working because I  prefer to spend that day being hungover and playing with my sweet toys that I got the day before.

SWEET. Fun Fact: I went through at least 8 of these in my childhood. As Wolverine is my favourite, he always got included in adventures and constantly got destroyed.

I do know people that have lined up the night before Boxing Day outside of electronics stores to get cheap TV’s and whatnot. They have gotten good deals but it’s really only a good deal if you count your time being worth nothing. Usually Boxing Day sales last all week so the stores can unload all their merchandise on people. As someone who worked retail I can tell you that half the things on sale are from 4 seasons ago and a lot of the time they just keep things the same price they were before the sale, and just switch out the normal white tag to a red tag so people think it’s a super good deal. People are idiots you see.

"We're dumb!"

Apparently most of the people in the US spend thanksgiving either mentally preparing themselves to shank a bitch for a good deal, or alternatively silently cursing the fact that they have to go to their terrible retail jobs at midnight to watch hordes of the undead grab blindly at sweaters and vacuum cleaners. I honestly do not get this. I do, however, understand people who line up outside of videogame stores waiting for a game to come out but I think that’s because I have a soft spot for hardcore nerds and it would probably be pretty fun to hang out in one of those lines. I think that doesn’t bother me because it’s more of a concentrated effort for a single goal but Black Friday seems like a huge mess where everyone is just clobbering each other. And judging by the video footage most of the shoppers are wearing sweatpants which is just a whole different mess on it’s own. I have compiled a short list of places sweatpants are acceptable to wear out in public and a mall is not on that list.

you bet your ass this grimy bitch is on the list!

This whole thing is ridiculous mainly because the objects everyones spazzing out over will be forgotten by the time the next black Friday rolls around. Remember Tickle Me Elmo? Nintendo Wii? Furby? Polio vaccine? I rest my case.

I have seen footage of refugees getting bottled water from the red cross act in a more dignified manner. Then again, Dyson vacuum cleaners are really much more important than water.

HIT THE BRICKS ASSHOLE

Last year someone got trampled to death in a walmart, which of all stores probably has the most mass per customer especially when you factor in all those little scooters that people use in there. This morning when I checked ye olde Google there was already a story about someone pepperspraying a bunch of people for trying to get to the X Boxes before her. X Box? Really? I hope that woman is cursed with the red ring of death on that ill gotten Xbox.

ZING!

Some of the stories coming out of the states about Black Friday violence are involving attempted robberies. This seems like the right way to do it. Just wait in a parking lot for some idiot to come back to their car and then rob them. They do all the shopping for you, and you just have to wave a gun at them for 30 seconds and make your escape, it’s like a personal shopper that you don’t pay and make lay face down on the concrete and count to 50 while you run away. My favorite story so far is about a woman who someone tried to rob and she was all “oh hale naw!” and grabbed a gun out of her glovebox and shot it into the air while the robber ran away. This story is amazing for several reasons. Namely the fact that this woman had a gun in her glovebox and that her response to a robbery was to shoot her gun in the air like Yosemite Sam.

"Git your hands off my purse ya varmit!"

So lets watch some videos of people losing their minds at stores, for comparison sake I have also added in a video of Hyenas trying to steal food from some lions. The similarities are really quite astounding.

Hahah wow. And this is why most of the world hates The United States, well this and the fact that congress just officially made pizza a vegetable. Something that really raises the question of what a vegetable pizza would look like. Just pizza bagels on top of a bigger pizza? That sounds like a stoners dream. Some people probably argue that Black Friday is a tradition and that they enjoy it but I think they’re lying to themselves. I have a holiday tradition of getting blitzed and watching Home Alone every year, now that’s a tradition you can get behind! So I hope you guys all had a trample free day! Or if you did go to black Friday you were the trampler and not the trampl-ee.

SWEET SASSY MOLASSY

One of the reasons I haven’t been updating as much is because I have a serious case of writers block. I am really patting myself on the back by calling myself a writer, but I don’t know what else to call it. I think it’s a combo of my unexplainable urge to get 100% on Lego Harry Potter (I WILL UNLOCK YOU DUMBLEDORE) my laptop being broken for several months and the fact that we canceled cable so my knowledge of pop culture has been lacking as of late. Case in point: I just found out they made another Three Musketeers movie

This summer Matt and I had our 6 year anniversary (it feels like an eternity) and while I was ready to party, my body was all GUESS AGAIN and I got violently ill for the entire night. As I laid curled up in a blanket on the hotel bed cursing the fact that I wore fancy undies and no one was going to see them, Matt brought me the greatest gift of all: his laptop and a bunch of gravol. He then left me to my own devices while he went to hang out with the other couple that came with us on our trip. I then spent the next 2 hours in a drug induced haze reading about the gathering of the juggalos and inspiration struck. Juggalos are my muse, and I wouldn’t want it any other way.

I will show you the butthole of my soul Juggalos

For those of you that don’t know, I have a serious love/hate relationship with Juggalos, I love that a hilarious subculture of humans exists like this but I hate the fact that they have viable eggs and sperm and may potentially murder me with a hatchet. I talked about Juggalos before, way back in 2009 and I still get hate mail from it. So I can only assume that this article will receive the same sort of response.

The 2011 Gathering of the Juggalos was not the first of these gatherings but let me just give you the run down on this whole situation. Essentially it is a music festival held by Juggalos. As you can imagine, a festival held by a group of people who probably don’t hold highschool diplomas is going to be unintentionally hilarious. There are several bands that play, including the Juggalos lord and savior Insane Clown Posse, there are carnival rides, food booths, tents, gross topless women, and toothless dudes with clown makeup on their face. I have some pictures from the gathering, I should just show you those and let you thank God that smellavision doesn’t exist yet.

I find it enraging that the Juggalette on the left has a better body than me. Maybe I should switch to a steady diet of weed and faygo soda

something makes me think these crazy kids are going to make it

BRIAN?!? you better be there ironically you beautiful bastard

At Juggalo gatherings they often have guest “celebrities” show up and the Juggalos react to this the way they react to most things: by throwing trash and screaming obscenities. Last year Tila Tequila showed up and the Juggalos showed their appreciation by whipping bottles at her head. This entire scenario blows my face apart. A pseudo celebrity who got famous for being skanky on MySpace went to a gathering of the Juggalos and got trash thrown at her. This also blows my mind because I assume she got some sort of monetary reward for agreeing to come to this thing, so she essentially got paid to stand on stage for 7 minutes and get pelted with sandwiches and bottles of Faygo soda. A third mind explosion comes into play when you take into account that she probably got paid more for that then the people throwing the junk at her make in a month.

if this picture made a sound it would be the losing horn sound from the price is right

This month they probably didn’t know how to react because Charlie Sheen was the special guest and it seems pretty redundant to throw garbage at garbage.I’m guessing this appearance at the gathering of the Juggalos is one of the last stops on his crazy train. Hopefully the station is the sweet release of death when he chokes on one of his teeth that are falling out from constant drug use.  I am seriously so glad the whole Charlie Sheen thing is coming to an end, It’s not funny. WINNING is not funny. Just stop it. STOP IT.

Anyways, another exciting thing happened at this years gathering of the juggalos, only by “exciting” I mean “a dude died” It’s more of a funny “uh-oh” than a funny “ha-ha” but yea, this shit happened.

It’s actually pretty sad, but ya it happened. I’m actually pretty perplexed as to why this hasn’t already happened. In fact I don’t know there isn’t at least a dozen deaths per year, I mean the carnival rides, the poorly prepared food, the drugs, It’s like a bad smelling storm of impending doom. The kids from the Final Destination movies have a better chance of survival.

Anyways, aside from the occasional Darwin attack, the Juggalo gathering seems like a real scene. If I wasn’t so terrified of being shanked or seeing this:

AY CARUMBA

Then I would probably go as some sort of bizarre social experiment. and yes, those underwear(??) say Pyscho Bitch on them. In fact, most of the girls I’ve seen pictures of at this thing are wearing a shirt that says pyscho bitch or just no shirt at all. So much sunburned pasty skin. I can’t even.  So I feel the following photos will say more than I ever could about this diverse group of fucking idiots. Enjoy!

I can tell you what's not in that can: a GED, a letter from the state saying that your baby Isn't being taken away, a negative drug test

of all the things to hate in this world, why WI FI??? GODDAMN IT JUGGALOS

awww Nicki isn't that bad!

what? is this written on a rock? is this a request or a threat? I'm so scared right now.

did you guys ever see Creepshow? where that slimy black mass comes out of the lake and kills all those teenagers? I wish that was in the background of this photo

Blergh.

my gay what? MY GAY WHAT?

what kind of horrible trade is this? she would never survive pioneer days!

Clearly why you can see why I am so obsessed with them! A friend of mine went as a Juggalo for Halloween and I wanted to marry him. Seriously everything about Juggalos is hilarious, the entire idea of all these people gathering together to celebrate bad music, poor life choices and a mutual love of getting wasted. It’s like a gift from the comedy gods. The next time you’re having a bad day I want you to stop, take a breath and think to yourself “at least I’m not a Juggalo” It will make you feel better, I promise. This last picture I have been saving for the bitter end of this article because I really feel it sums up the human experience of the Gathering of the Juggalos.

God bless you Juggalos. GOD BLESS.

Despite that half of my blogs contents consist of me getting wasted and reviewing bad movies, I do actually enjoy going to the movies. I have a deal with a friend that if one of us wants to see a movie and we can’t find anyone to go with, the other one will go with them. This is why I have seen Fast and the Furious 4 in theaters, I narrowly avoided having to watch Step 3D but then relented and watched it on Netflix with him a few months ago. I gotta say, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be so I guess jokes on me. Anyways, On my most recent visit to the movies, to see the cinematic masterpiece of Final Destination 5, there was an ad for a remake of Footloose. This is uncalled for, this also made me want to compile a list of things that movie studios need to stop letting happen.

1. No more fucking remakes

They're remaking this. And Gremlins. And the Monster Squad. Fuck your childhood!

As I mentioned earlier, they are infact remaking Footloose. The ad I saw had a little vignette infront of it about the making of and the phrase “give it some hip hop flair” was uttered. I nearly ripped my own head off in a blind rage. Why is this happening so much lately?  Did you know they’re making a new Spiderman movie? The first Spiderman movie with Tobey Maguire came out when I was in highschool, do you know how old this makes me feel? Blarghhh. I can accept some horror movie remakes, but usually the original was made in the 80’s which instantly makes it amazing. Horror movies from the 80’s had the best box art, the most bewbies, and the gorest scenes. Oh and the covers usually had some sort of terrible pun which I cannot get enough of.

YES YES YES

I mentioned earlier that I made the amazing decision to cancel cable because it’s full of garbage and Netflix has all the answers for me in the form of Southpark and most Troma films. Because of this, I rarely see commercials anymore so I usually only find out about terrible remakes while watching the tv at the bank while I’m doing deposits for work. It was there that I found out about the remake for Fright Night, which apparently has already weaseled its way into theaters, In 3D!!!!! So I went on a rant to the bank teller about how the original wasn’t all that effing good to begin with but they just remade it because vampires are so popular for some reason. He totally agreed with me, but I think it might be because last time I was there he told me a long story about how his computer broke/part of my bra was hanging out. Advantage Rigby!

The only thing worse than a movie remake is when a movie remake it called a “re imagining”  or a “re telling” Fuck you. It is a remake. This whole thing is making me want to go dance out my rage in a warehouse.

DAMN YOU JOHN LITHGOW JUST LET ME DANCE!!!

2.Inspirational Sports movies

Seriously. This genre should have ended with Slap Shot, or possibly The Might Ducks (ONE AND TWO ONLY)

really the only flowchart you will ever need

I went to a movie with my friend Di and they had an ad for an inspirational sports film about UFC, let’s read the plot synopsis shall we?

Two brothers face the fight of a lifetime – and the wreckage of their broken family – within the brutal, high-stakes world of Mixed Martial Arts (MMA) An ex-Marine haunted by a tragic past, Tommy Riordan returns to his hometown of Pittsburgh and enlists his father, a recovered alcoholic and his former coach, to train him for an MMA tournament awarding the biggest purse in the history of the sport. As Tommy blazes a violent path towards the title prize, his brother, Brendan, a former MMA fighter unable to make ends meet as a public school teacher, returns to the amateur ring to provide for his family. Even though years have passed, recriminations and past betrayals keep Brendan bitterly estranged from both Tommy and his father. But when Brendan’s unlikely rise as an underdog sets him on a collision course with Tommy, the two brothers must finally confront the forces that tore them apart, all the while waging the most intense, winner-takes-all battle of their lives.

You can tell it's a serious movie because it's in black and white

What this doesn’t include is that the two brothers have to *GASP* FIGHT EACH OTHER at the end, and also one brother is a Iraq war vet. Of course.

As soon as this trailer ended, the movie we went to see started and Di was super distraught that the last trailer we saw was for that. It, and I quote, left a bad taste in her mouth. I am inclined to agree. These movies cater to the dumbest demographic, especially ones set in the US. That UFC movie combines The war on terror, Joe Everyman, a troubled past, father issues, Men punching each other in the face, and a heartwarming ending. Oh and I’m sure there’s a marriage on the rocks and a little child who just needs something to believe in, thrown in for good measure. They should give away tickets for free to these movies. FREE LIKE THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

GOD BLESS AMERICA

3. American versions of foreign films

This irks me like nothing else. It’s totally ridiculous and uncalled for, especially in recent examples, like Let the Right one In getting remade right after it came out in Sweden, a shot for shot remake except the minor differences of changing the title to Let me In because it’s shorter and easier to remember, and changing the two main characters into a little boy and girl instead of a little boy and androgynous character that used to be a boy. Oh, did I say minor? I meant HUGE AND RAGE INDUCING.

The changing of the title drives me nuts, like how Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone got changed to Sorcerers Stone because it was decided that children don’t know what a Philosopher is. But a Philosophers Stone is a real thing! I know this from being a huge nerd and seeing the entirety of Full Metal Alchemist. I’m seriously the coolest person you know. What the fuck is a sorcerers stone?

I googled it and I got this. Also, what is he so smirky about? WHAT DO YOU KNOW OLD MAN?

What is the reasoning for this other then stealing someone elses idea and remaking it in order to employ your own actors and production staff, is it the subtitle thing? Is that it? You assholes. I can’t abide remakes of Foreign films other than remakes of Japanese Horror films, have you seen the original Grudge? It makes no effing sense and I’ve seen it like 5 times. J horror (thank you Marina for now having that in my vocabulary) movies make no sense and the villains are retarded. Did you know there’s a horror movie about a wig that kills? I’m serious! And I saw one about a haunted locker, it was ridiculous. Where was I? oh yea, those are ok.

oh shit bitch!!! you in danger gurl!!

Movie remakes of foreign products but TV remakes are almost just as bad. Have you seen The Office? Of course you have. I know I am about to sound like a pretentious A hole but the british version is legit better and didn’t run for 18 years. For those of you that have seen The IT Crowd, you are awesome, For those of you who haven’t, go watch it. Most of it is on Netflix so you have no excuse. Anyways, they remade it in the states and I don’t even think it aired it was so bad. It’s on youtube so take a look at this mess. I know it has Richard Ayoade and Joel McHale in it, but it still somehow manages to be unbearable.

4. Movies pulled entirely out of someones ass

sure why not, this exists lets make it a movie, i'm dead inside, so on and so on

Here is a prime example of that: A movie is being made about the game Angry Birds. How is this possible? I can understand making a movie about a video game that contains a plot, cutscenes, and character development but what the hell is Angry Birds? I’m sure everyone is fucking itching to find out why the goddamn pigs are stealing bird eggs, and I’m positive it can be stretched into at least 90 minutes. Oh and shit you guys! since the birds rocket off a slightshot in the game, this movie will most definitely be in 3D so they can fly at your flipping face.

They’re also making a movie about The Sims. The plot is two kids get their hands on a copy of The Sims but whatever they do in the game, affects real life. OH MY GOD YOU GUYSSSSSS. So this movie will be a failure unless they include a scene of a woman shouting gibberish to the heavens, pissing her pants and then crying softly into her hands. I will also accept a scene of someone swimming in a pool and then when they go to get out realize that the ladder is gone. Later they come back as a ghost and wander around while eerie music plays. This could potentially be a hit now that I think about it.

"I'm hungry! I can't get into bed because it's pushed right against the wall! The toilet is clogged so I hit it with a wrench for 15 minutes! HELP ME!!

But if you were warming up to the idea of movies based off fucking nothing. Here’s one to make you want to go knock on your neighbours door and punch him into a coma when he answers just to spare him the knowledge of this movie being made.

Farmville.

They are making a Farmville movie.

I HATE YOU!! I HATE YOU ALL SO MUCH!! NO I WILL NOT HELP WATER YOUR CROPS I HOPE YOUR FAMILY STARVES TO DEATH AND YOU LOSE THE FARM

And with that, I leave you to weep in the shower with the knowledge that God has truly forsaken us.

You guys read my blog so you must have gathered that I’m kind of a drunk asshole. You are correct in that assumption. I also have two other drunk assholes in my life: Jess and Jenna. When our powers combine magical things have been known to happen, but nothing so magical as what occured this past weekend. Jenna lives in Vancouver which is 4 hours away from Jess and I, so we decided to go visit her ass for her birthday on the weekend. We were all pretty excited to get the band back together but really nothing could have prepared us for the madness that ensued. God was smiling down on us that weekend. I also envision him winking and doing the elbow nudge to St Peter or whoever the hell hangs out with him in Heaven. Possibly Macho Man Randy Savage.

pictured: Jesus about to lose his World Wrestling Champion belt

One of the nights we were there, Jenna and I watching Austin Powers while powering up for another night out. Jess was outside the hotel smoking and was gone for quite a long time. Little did we know she was cultivating the very reason for this blog.

Jess came in and told us that she had made a new friend and was going to be hanging out with us for awhile. What happened next I seriously could not believe.

Now before I get into this I want to say that I really don’t have anything against someone who is transgendered, I would imagine it would be a very difficult thing to deal with and I think it’s a very brave thing to dress and act the way that you feel inside. I have felt extremely plain and unladylike in the prescence of some transgendered people because they look so goddamn ladylike and I refuse to throw away a pair of underwear that have a huge rip in the crotch. So you can see what I’m working with here. That being said: in walked the jankiest ass tranny I have ever seen.

So as soon as I set eyes on this lovely lady, who was very tastefully dressed I might add, thong straps pulled up over the top of jeans is a very flattering look. The first thing that ran through my mind was “I can’t believe Jess got mad at me for drinking in public 8 hours ago and then does this” Jennas first thought was “Shit. We are going to get robbed” my second thought was “fuck, I really wanted to just get drunk and watch Austin Powers on cable tv in peace”

"Feed my fish...not too much! I'm going to LONDON ENGLAND"

I am convinced her downstairs situation had nothing to do with the slew of hilarious lies spewing from her mouth, and more had to do with the fact she was an obvious insane drug addict. she busted out gem after gem while we struggled to keep a straight face. She introduced herself as Larissa and said she met Jess outside when she asked for a smoke since she needed to calm down after hearing that her 2 year old nephew died after getting stuck between a mattress and a wall. Don’t feel too sad since I’m pretty sure that nephew doesn’t even exist.

MURDERER!!! also, I see what you did there

I know a kid and he used to be 2 and I’m pretty sure if he got stuck between a wall and a mattress at that age he could easily escape and then probably tell me the story. In fact next time I see him I’m going to cram him between a wall and a mattress and tell him to escape, I’m confident he would be able to with ease. So unless this made up child had no arms I’m pretty sure this is the worst story ever, but it was just the first of the many truth nuggets Larissa pooped out for us:

On the subject of parenting:

She had apparently given birth to a child out of her urethra and then promptly lost custody of this potentially made up child because she was an unfit mother. She used air quotes when saying unfit mother. I feel those we uncalled for.

On the subject of marriage:

She was married already and divorced apparently, and her ex was a real jerk you guys.

On the subject of partying:

She was a real party girl, and she credits this to starting drinking vodka at the age of 13.

On the subject of almost being sliced in half by an elevator:

She was in one and the cord attached to the top of the elevator snapped and she got stuck in one for several hours before trying to pry the door apart to escape. I cut the story off at this point because we were actually in an elevator as she told it and we were at the ground floor so I just said “and here we are” and quickly shuffled away. Presumably the story ended with her not getting chopped in half.

On the subject of being the original Snookie:

This was the real whopper of this entire baffling situation. After she told this story Jenna and I sent Jess texts telling her that she is an idiot and this woman is clearly an insane drug addict.

There is a reality show called The Bad girls club and it is exactly what it sounds like: a house full of degenerate skanks that pull hair and throw drinks in each others faces no less than twice an episode. Larissa claimed that she was on the sequel to this show and that her nickname was Snookie but the producers liked the name so much they stole it and gave it to the Snookie we now know and secretly love (I know you guys all love her do not deny it!!)

Sometimes I think about how this girl has a published book and is much richer than I'm ever going to be. I think my hairdryer and I might go have a bath together

I asked her a few questions about this and she told me that she hasn’t actually seen any of the footage and it used to be online but now it’s not. If there’s one thing I know about The Internet, it’s that it never forgets. EVER. I was texting Matt during this entire ordeal giving him a play by play and I begged him to google the badgirls club and see if she was on it. He complied and she was not. He didn’t seemed too shocked about the whole situation so I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not but either way, he googled for me and that’s all I ever really want in a man. Oh and the reason she ended up on this show is that she originally came to Vancouver to model but a producer saw her on the street and cast her in the TV show. Yup.

not pictured: dignity, larissa the tranny, self worth, intact hymens, I could really go on

I shot Jess a look and at this point she was barely holding it together. We needed to get out of this scene as soon as possible and we were actually planning on going to a Burlesque show so we told the girl we needed to leave, she asked if we wanted to get some pictures together and clearly we did. So here it is:

my eyes are closed because I was laughing so hard. Jess' face is also just spectacular.

Fantastic. Just…fantastic.

So we went downstairs and tried to go our separate ways because unfortunately Larissas wallet got stolen and she had no ID so couldn’t get into the bar, I think this also might be because she was clearly under 19 years old. She asked Jess to buy some smokes for her and then we hustled away. As we walked away from the most ladylike flower ever we pounced on Jess but our anger quickly turned to laughter because we had escaped unstabbed so now it was just a hilarious story to tell at parties. Jess actually said “you should thank me! It’s good blog material” so Thank you Jess.

I will have access to a computer while I’m there, so I’ll try to update my twitter at the very least, so go read that boners.

So long for now! I’ll be home soon, unless I meet Prince Harry on one of the 4 days we’re in London and he falls in love with me. In that case, you will see me on tv while watching my lavish wedding. PIPPA IS NOT FUCKING INVITED. STOP TRYING TO MAKE PIPPA HAPPEN.

1.Doll Island

My mom has this doll that she has had since she was a little girl, it sounds really sentimental but that thing is a nightmare. It’s called Chatty Cathy and it’s supposed to talk when you pull its string. The only problem is that since this thing is old as balls, when you pull the string a garbled mess that may or may not be a Chuthlu summoning spell comes out. It’s terrifying.

This is the whore I'm talking about.

I made the mistake of admitting that thing scared me and ever since then my parents have been telling me that it will come alive and murder me, or they will take it out and put it in various locations of the house. I don’t even live there anymore and they still do this. I’ll go over there and go to use their computer and BOOM Cathy’s just chilling out on the chair waiting for the sun to go down so she can come alive and kill me. So as you can imagine, this Island is like my nightmare and knowing my parents I’m sure they will buy me two tickets to this Island for my next birthday.

This Island is pretty much the creepy brainchild of a man who used to live there and was deeply upset when he found out a little girl he knew drowned on the Island. He then did what any sane person would do: leave various dolls for her ghost to play with. Sounds pretty legit to me. So after he died (now there is at least 2 ghosts hanging out on this island) other people took up his cause and kept dropping off dolls on the island, although I suspect a few of them we purposely leaving scary looking dolls to be funny. Assholes. Thus Doll Island, of Isla de la Munecas, was born. That’s another thing, Isla de la never ends with anything good, it’s always Isla de la Muerte, it’s never Isla de la burritos. COULD YOU IMAGINE??

ME GUSTA

Anyways, you can go visit this Island if you were so inclined. I am not so inclined. So here are some delightful and not nightmare inducing photos for you all to enjoy.

okie dokie.

I'll see myself out.

BLARGHHHHH

2. Carter Hotel

come to the wonderful Carter Hotel where helicopters constantly buzz the building apparently

Remember that scene in The Shining where Jack Nicholson makes out with that woman and she turns all gross and old? That has nothing to do with this, I just think it’s a really creepy scene.

haha look at his face! oooh I've been there man

This hotel doesn’t have naked gross ladies but it does have lots of weird shit in its history. You can still stay there but it has the reputation of the worst hotel in the USA. Basically what we have here is a hotel with straight up the worst luck ever. Here is a list of some fucked up shenanigans that have occurred there over the past years

-George R. Sanders committed suicide by jumping from the 14th floor of the hotel in 1931

-Olga Kibrick one upped George by jumping to her death from the 21st floor that same year

-James Fairbanks committed suicide in 1931  after embezzling money from his company

-Frederick Berry burned to death in 1941 after falling asleep smoking. In his room was a letter from his father telling him about a dream his mom had in which he died….so that’s neat/horrifying

Things stayed pretty quite until the 1980′s when a cop got shot to death on the fourth floor and someone beat their 23 month old to death.  After that the hotel was a homeless shelter and low income housing for the better part of the late 80′s and early 90′s

Finally things were looking up in 2007 when the hotel was back to a (somewhat) ok state and people were staying there again. And then a housekeeper found a dead body in plastic wrap.

I hope it was press n seal! that shit is nuts! you can make your own bags with it!!!

The hotel is (I presume) dead body free as of now but it has over 500 bad reviews on tripadvisor.com. Some of the reviews are pretty great and actually now that I think about it I would probably spend the night here on a dare or something, as long as I had some salt,some action figures, and some iron.  The Iron and Salt are for ghosts, the action figures are for playtime.

3. Mt Everest.

pictured: a fucking asshole

I know, not too creepy on its own but stick this in your pipe and smoke it: There’s around 120 dead bodies literally chilling out on this mountain.

Some of the bodies are from the 20′s and because it’s so damn cold up there they pretty much just freeze and don’t rot. I assume they look a lot like the chicken breast that was hanging out in the back of my freezer that I forgot about for several months. Only with more Northface gear on it.

Climbing Mount Everest could be the ultimate test of friendship for you and your BFF because on more than one occasion climbers have had to leave other climbers in distress because trying to help them would jeopardize their own safety. So if your buddy won’t split her Fresca with you in the middle of the summer, then maybe take a rain check on that whole “climbing a huge ass mountain together” idea.

"we're heading to the top, Later dickhead! have fun dying LOL LOL"

You would think that people would either A) stop climbing this frozen deathtrap or B) just fly to the top of the damn thing and lie to everyone that you climbed it. If I saw a picture of some guy standing on the top of the mountain with snow in his beard I would just assume he climbed the thing.

My friend Di has been watching a show about Everest and was regaling me with crazy ass stories of people climbing this thing and passing out or having limbs removed from frostbite or just straight up dying. I have got to say, now that I know how terribly dangerous this is, I would not at all be impressed if someone told me that they climbed this thing. I would be more impressed if they told me they didn’t climb it because then at least I know they have some goddamn sense. Keep this in mind single readers!! If on a date you want to impress someone, you cannot stress that you haven’t climbed Mount Everest enough.

So this mountain is on the list because there is no way it isn’t haunted. It’s like a goddamn ghost hulabaloo up there. If you were a ghost this has to be the worst place to be because the chances to haunt people is probably so few and far between. It’s sad if you think about it: A bunch of ghosts throwing cards into a ghost hat waiting for some climbers to show up. What a horrible (after)life.

4. Gotham City

holy shit this place sucks

I know it isn’t a real place (just in my heart!) but I really feel like I need to talk about this. Even as a small child I was always really confused as to why anyone would ever live in Gotham City. I assume if you lived there you would be caught in the middle of a bank heist at least twice a month. Even if you could somehow excuse the constant break outs from Arkham Asylum, there is no way you could live there and not be bummed out by the city itself. It looks like it was designed by a team composed of a moody 14 year old goth who has a new stepdad and a vampire from the 18th century. I’m sure the blueprints were written in blood and the room was lit with Victorian lanterns. GODDAMN.

"designing contemporary buildings in a bustling metropolis is the only thing that keeps me going, woe. woe."

I know what you’re thinking, but obviously Batman needs something to do and his whole mission is to clean up the city so no more rich people get capped in back alleys. Yes, I understand that, but he rarely leaves Gotham City so that means all this shit is going down in one area. The X Men fight villains all over the place, one time they even went to space and another time they went to a weird jungle island that had dinosaurs on it (fucking awesome!) Batman stops the scarecrow from blowing up a schoolbus and then drives four blocks to thwart Catwomans plot to rob the museum. It’s too much! I know Spiderman mainly did all his web slinging in New York but then again there was once a Spiderman plotline about Dr. Octopus marrying Aunt May so clearly the radius of crime isn’t the only thing on Spidermans plate. So I feel this deserves to be on the list, even though I guess I should probably take a closer look at myself because I’m comparing a mountain that people have actually died on to a fictional city that a comic book character lives in. I’m a mess.

JUST MARRY THE GUY YOU OLD BITCH. HE'S GOT MONEY