Christmas Gift Guide!!

well hello there friends. Sorry for the very long hiatus, but I’ve been very busy with real life bullshit. Also I’ve been playing a tremendous amount of Metal Gear Solid. Damn you Big Boss!

aww couple of cuties! I can't stay mad at you!!

aww couple of cuties! I can’t stay mad at you!!

So since its the holiday season, I’ve decided to take the guesswork out of buying presents for your loved ones because you could be using that time to drink, avoid said loved ones, and cry softly in the shower. or like clean the garage or some shit. Anyways, here we go!

1.This weird thing that goes over your cats butthole 



Sometimes I find myself gazing at my cat’s bunghole and I’m all “I’m sick of this view, can’t it be more festive?” well some psychopath has solved that problem(???) for me. These very exciting and dynamic asshole coverings will certainly impress your friends and neighbours. “wow, they must be doing pretty well for themselves if they can afford these enticing butthole covers for their cat!” your neighbours will enviously whisper to each other. You’ll be the talk of the town!

this cats butthole has been spotted by enemy soldiers

this cats butthole has been spotted by enemy soldiers


all of this glitz and glamour for the low low price of… 6 bucks? that can’t be right. fuck that’s cheap. You should probably get at least a dozen, hell get one for yourself! possibly for your b-hole?? how exotic!


2. this globe bar thing!



do you have someone on your wish list that is a problem drinker? or perhaps an evil boss? or a character on a soap opera? or just someone who enjoys pouring a scotch, turning slowly around to face their guest, then take a sip of the scotch and say “..I have my reasons” to said guest? Well good news!!!

This globe screams both “I have money” and “I have no taste”  its a double thrill! First, its a globe which is great if you need to locate someplace in the world and the internet is down. Secondly, you can fucking put booze in it! how rad is that? You can stare intently at the continent of Africa and wet your whistle all without taking a step!

3. these dumb ass man cave things!



Hey ladies, have you ever wanted to banish your husband to the shadow realm or outworld but don’t have the mana or blood sacrifices needed? well you’re in luck because we have the next best thing. The man cave! you can send your shitlord husband to the basement or spare bedroom and make him watch his “sports” or “pornography” or “world war 2 documentaries” in there. You can finally get some peace and quiet from his constant “inhabiting the same part of a house as you” am I right ladies?

And fellas, don’t be too sad that you’re shoved in the back of the house like so many Christmas decorations, you’re free to eat nachos and play with your balls a little and then smell the tips of your fingers to your hearts content in your own private MAN CAVE!!!

4. this very tasteful fairy mirror!



oh boy, such elegance! such glamour! you’ll be wanting to stare at your gross face all day long with this gorgeous mirror. This is definitely one that can be passed down to family members that you passive aggressively hate for several generations!

why is the fairy wearing socks that don’t co ordinate with her outfit at all? who knows! just part of the allure of this very magical and not at all cursed mirror.

how much would you pay for a mirror of such high quality? did you say 26 dollars? if so wow you are really good at guessing the price of stupid ass mirrors. Yes! this is somehow 26 dollars. So don’t hesitate, someone on your christmas list will love this!

5. The CUBE

Screen Shot 2015-12-05 at 8.41.25 PM

The CUBE is a great present! there’s one on your doorstep right now, just open the door! The CUBE is inescapable, but you won’t want to escape from your new oppressive ruler best friend! look at those lights, so beautiful and mesmerizing, don’t look too long or you might see a vision of your own death at the hands of the CUBE. Buy one for your friends, your enemies, your loved ones, your tax accountant, everyone can use the CUBE and everyone will. Everyone WILL use it. So say The CUBE.

6. this battery organizer

Screen Shot 2015-12-05 at 8.48.38 PM

Because Fuck it.

Unfriended: The Shittening

If you’re anything like me, you are sick to death of movies with engaging storytelling, proper sound mixing, smooth frame rate and interesting, likeable characters. Well you are in luck! I have just the movie for you. My comrades over at drunkinagraveyard also wrote a review for this badboy, so check their take on this movie over yonder


Unfriended is almost the worst movie I’ve ever seen in my entire life and if you scroll down past this review you’ll see that I recently watched 50 shades of grey. So yea, that should be an indicator. That being said, this movie was hilarious and super enjoyable in the theater. One of my favourite parts of seeing a horror movie in the theater is the moment when the entire audience turns on it and just starts openly mocking it. Unfriended did not disappoint in this aspect. It disappointed in literally every other aspect though. Did I mention this movie features not one, not two, but three MEMES. Not even Pepe the sad frog either, just like really really bad macros.




Unfriended is filmed entirely via imessage, skype, facebook, and youtube. This is at the very least and interesting filming technique and I must say most of the dread I felt was over whether or not a character would click a related youtube video called “cat does backflip” (she did not click. )


It opens with the main character, Blaire, watching a liveleak video of her friend Laura blowing her brains out, as one does. Laura killed herself because she was being cyberbullied after an embarrassing video of her was leaked online. After watching this,  Blaire talks to her boyfriend Mitch (or Mitchie as she calls him, because she is awful and a teen) and they do some really bland internet flirting before their insufferable friends join them all in a group skype.




Is this a thing that happens? I haven’t been a teen for awhile so maybe this happens? Help me, I’m old.

The friends are as follows: fat comic relief guy, drunk rich friend, blonde girl, and MYSTERY GUEST OF EVIL

They all start getting weird messages between each other and can’t figure out who this extra person is who doesn’t have a mic or camera on. Honestly if a webpage takes longer than 30 seconds to load I’m just like “ehh screw this” and close my laptop. So if I was in some skype conversation and this happened I would be like “ehhh screw this” and hang up on my miserable friends. Also this takes place on a Monday at like 930 so I don’t know how their parents are like SHUT UP AND GET OFF THE COMPUTER. I remember during Christmas one time I got Grand Theft Auto: Vice City and spent the entire Christmas break playing it until my dad burst into the basement and yelled at me to leave the house, so late night skype sessions on a weeknight WOULD NOT FLY in my house.

I had the time of my life

It was the best of times


While this is all happening, Blaire is messaging her boyfriend to talk about how weird it is that this person is in the group chat.


You know those friends who send you a text and if you don’t respond right away they send you another one that’s just “?” Blaire does this to MITCHIE several times in the span of a minute and it was giving me a stroke. Apparently it is the anniversary of Laura blowing her face off and the group start to suspect things are amiss on the world wide web when they can’t unfriend Laura on Facebook, and when its discovered that the mystery person is using Lauras old skype account. Honestly, this entire movie I couldn’t stop thinking about this tweet from Tyler the Creator.



They bring some other broad into the mix who apparently uploaded the embarrassing video that made Laura kill herself in the first place, she denies this but Laura ghost uploads a screenshot to her instagram that shows her telling Laura to kill herself (are you still with me?) this broad then gets killed by the ghost. Also keep in mind all of these scenes are on skype so its full of dropped audio, frame freezes and buffering.

Eventually the Laura ghost or whatever who cares reveals herself and says she wants to play a game. Fat comic relief says its just a troll and says “obvious troll is obvious” and my soul flew out of my body.

dramatic reenactment

dramatic reenactment

Minutes later he gets killed by the ghost after trying to get rid of it via a Trojan virus? I dunno, he’s fat so he’s probably good at computers. He dies in the most confusing way possible. Via blender. He jams his hand in a blender and then breaks the glass and shoves his neck directly into the spinning blades. I assume it was on Ice Crusher setting. Also I guess the ghost can possess blenders as well as computers? I have no idea.




The remaining people are really freaking out because they all cyberbullied Laura under fake names telling her to kill herself. Hahaah KIDS TODAY

Laura makes them play a game of “Never have I ever” and they have to put a finger down if they’ve done the activity she says. This scene brought up a lot of questions. I understand that it was meant to turn the friends against each other but some of the scenarios seemed like they needed further explanation. Blonde girl lied and said Blaire had an eating disorder, Mitchie turned in Rich kid to the cops for selling weed (not cool bruh!) Rich kid roofied some girl and then made her get an abortion (wait, who? When???) and Blaire and rich kid totally BONED and lied to Mitchie about it. Poor sweet Mitchie.

So I guess they’re all just scumbags. Oh also Laura sends them photos of Rich kid and Blaire together in meme format and it says like “Im in ur bed sleeping with ur gf lollololol” so I don’t know if Laura has access to a meme creator beyond the veil or what? I think hell would just be nonstop memes and Rick rolling actually.


Blaire and Rich kid then get their HP INKJET PRINTERS HAUNTED and the ghost prints out some papers for them but they refuse to show the group. Mitchie is really spazzing out at this point because not only is he being haunted by a vengeful spectre, he found out his girlfriend cheated on him. Talk about a case of the Mondays. He threatens to hang up if Blaire doesn’t show him the paper so she does and it causes rich kid to shoot himself? I have no idea. This review might seem jumbled but the actual movie was super confusing and not because it was a really complex plot but just because it was so nonsensical and I don’t get kids these days.


So now its just Blaire, Mitchie and the blonde girl. Blaire goes on Chat Roulette to look for help (wieners) and finds a girl who calls 911 for the blonde girl who is being terrorized by the ghost in her bathroom. I guess Blaire couldn’t call 911 with the phone she used earlier to call her friend but WHATEVER


The confusing roundabout way to fit the site Chat roulette into the movie  is fruitless because the blonde girl is getting electrocuted to death via a hair straightener down her throat. Laura then uploads a picture of it to Instagram that says “I guess she finally STFU” and my soul not only flew out of my body, but hailed a cab, took it to the airport and flew to Barbados.


Now its down to the gruesome twosome. Also, its now like 10 on a Monday night and they’ve been shrieking quite consistently so I don’t know how this didn’t end with an angry parent storming in and telling the kids to go to bed.


Laura tells Blaire that she will kill whoever uploaded the video in the first place and Blaire sells out Mitchie. She is clearly not a ride or die chick. Mitch stabs himself in the eyehole and dies. RIP sweet Mitchie.


But then Laura is like PYSCHE I KNOW IT WAS YOU!!! and kills Blaire. What a heel turn!!




But wait, I know you’re wondering what was on this leaked video?? Well I will tell you.


Laura got drunk at a party and pooped her pants and Blaire filmed it. That’s it.

Now I don’t know if its because I’m almost 30 and have been very drunk several times but who cares? I’ve never pooped my pants no, but I’ve peed in alleys, puked in alleys, puked in my friends shower while crying, passed out while trying to get a shirt off and becoming trapped in it, fallen up the stairs, fallen down the stairs, fell off a swing set, puked out of a moving vehicle, had one boob pop out of my dress, fallen on the sidewalk while trying to piggyback someone, fallen on the dancefloor, fallen off a mechanical bull, spilled countless drinks on myself and generally have been a mess while drinking. So I clearly have very little left of my original self respect. If life was a videogame my self respect meter would be at 10% and blinking red. Oh and one time I got blacked out drunk before we even made it to the bar and had to get my friends to pull over while I barfed next to an adult video store. So maybe it would be at 8% and blinking red.


essentially me, let's get real.

essentially me, let’s get real.

My point is who cares. I don’t think that’s something that’s worth killing yourself over. Just be like “yup I pooped my pants” or wait a week and I’m sure another teenager will do something twice as dumb and your pants pooping incident will be long forgotten. I understand that they were trying to make a statement about cyberbullying and how awful it is but the message has a hard time hitting home when its revealed that she just went boomboom in her shorts. (white shorts I might add) Also earlier in the movie it was discussed that she was a huge bully who deserved everything she got so I don’t really know if I was supposed to care about that? so a bully got bullied to death and then killed said bullies by bullying them from beyond the grave? So much bullying its nuts!


So what did we learn here? I guess don’t cyber bully? Or I guess do cyber bully? I’m very confused.




-what kind of ice crusher setting is on your blender?

-are you a hip skype teen?

-If your name is Mitch, do you prefer being called Mitch or Mitchie?

-if you are going to poop your pants, do it in secret and make sure no one films it

-unless you’re getting paid for it

-some websites pay good money for that kind of thing

-google cake farts, you’ll see what I mean.


50 shades of Grey: I got drunk at this movie

Ok guys.  I did it. I went and watched 50 shades of grey. First of all, I have to mention that my local theater is now searching bags for booze. I can’t help but think this is at least 60% because of me. Luckily I squeezed past “security” with a 6 pack securely in my purse and proceeded to get drunk during this cinematic turd.

Screen Shot 2015-02-22 at 2.45.47 PM



The movie opens with oh so klutzy and boy am I ordinary! Anastasia interviewing mogul Christian Grey for her roommate who has the flu. Christian of course amassed his fortunes in “telecommunications” Christian is somehow interested in Anastasia Steele (again, yes this is the characters real name) and shows this by appearing at the hardware store she works at, and suggesting a photoshoot for the article her roommate was working on.


After the photo shoot, Christian asks her out for coffee and  grills her about her interactions with every male character we’ve seen so far. He asks if she’s dating her friend Jose who took the photos, and if she’s dating the guy she works with. This is not normal. In Christian Greys world, any man who interacts with a woman he is interested with is both a potential threat and suitor. Could you imagine if this just happened after every interaction with a male? hahha “Ana. I saw the way you were looking at the UPS guy when you signed for that package” “Ana. I don’t appreciate being made a fool, you were flirting with that dog we saw at the park”


"Ana. I only want you asking me for presents, not this Santa Claus asshole"

“Ana. I only want you asking me for presents, not this Santa Claus asshole”


Anyways, Ana for some reason decides that she’s mega hung up on this dude. He sends her several first edition copies of books that she likes, as she is an english major. This is the first and last time any of Ana’s interests are brought up or validated. Ana goes out to drink with her roommate and some friends and drunk dials Christian, as most girls have done at some point. I have to point out that she does so using an LG FLIP PHONE. Christian reacts by freaking the fuck out that she’s drunk, chastises her over the phone and then sets out to “rescue” her from the bar where she is safe with her friends. Because god forbid a woman in her 20’s gets drunk at a bar. THAT SLUT. Honestly the way he reacted it was like she called him and said The Terminator was after her.

"Ana. Who is this Kyle Reese??? Are you sleeping with him?"

“Ana. Who is this Kyle Reese??? Are you sleeping with him?”


The next morning Ana wakes up in Christians hotel room and he explains how she was drunk and and she needs to take better care of herself. the important/fucked up part is this: he says, completely unprovoked “if you were mine you wouldn’t sit for a week” and then bends over her to eat a piece of her toast. WHAT THE FUCK. HOW IS THIS SEXY?!?! I am pleased to report that literally everyone in the audience was cackling with laughter, so at least I was in good company.


Ana later goes to Christians apartment. where he asks her to sign a non disclosure contract, which I kinda get since he’s this big shot dude who has so much money he doesn’t have to use an LG FLIP PHONE. Also his apartment was mega huge and under furnished and I didn’t see a TV or playstation anywhere. That alone would make me bolt. Anyways, after she signed it, he’s all “let me show you my playroom”and reveals a red room with various whips and canes. It was just like 10 versions of the same toy though, I dunno I was very underwhelmed. He shows her a bedroom where she would stay, and explains that she would live there Fri-Sun. OH OKAY LET ME JUST UPROOT MY ENTIRE LIFE AND LEAVE MY HOME SO YOU CAN SMASH ME IN THE FACE WITH A PIECE OF WOOD FOR THREE DAYS I AM SO LUCKY.


Christian tells her theres a second contract she would have to sign that outlines a dominant/submissive relationship and it would just be sexy times and no romance times. Ana asks what she gets out of the deal and Christian replies “Me” I should mention that he was wearing ripped baggy jeans while saying this so I dunno man, doesn’t seem that great.

Ana tells Christian that she would have to think about it but does mention she’s a virgin (NERD) and asks if they can make love (ugh) once like normal. Christian agrees and I was all “awww yassss here comes the wang!!” But there was NO wang to be had. This movie was rated 18A and all that was shown was titties and a bit of bush. After sexy times he carries her to her room because she’s incapable of doing this on her own.


"baby wants uppies!"

“baby wants uppies!”


They kinda do this irritating flirty thing back and forth for awhile I guess to make us care about him but whatever. He does buy her a new Macbook Pro though so I was like yea ok. Ana gets overwhelmed with the idea of signing up for an indeterminate amount of time where a man who wears baggy ripped jeans is allowed to whip her whenever he wants, and she tells him she’s over it.

Afterward, Christian just kinda shows up at her apartment and sexes her up BIG TIME. But she’s still like ehhh I’m not into it. and they “break up”

Ana graduates from school, and sees Christian there as a guest speaker and I guess seeing that doughy face just is irresistible to her so she agrees to go over the contract with Christian, and they have this ridiculous scene in a boardroom going over what she does and doesn’t want to agree to. She also asks what a butt plug is. Girl that is fucking dumb. You graduated from University not knowing what a butt plug is?? THE FUCKING USE IS IN THE NAME. If a goddamn alien crash landed on earth and someone asked it what a buttplug was, I’m confident the alien could answer correctly. “hmmm well is it a plug that goes in your butt? seems like that would be the best answer” JESUS CHRIST ANASTASIA.

I was like “ok whatever” to that and the rest of the sex acts, but the worst part of the contract was she is only allowed to eat certain things, she can’t drink to excess, and she can’t do drugs. She also has to go get birth control from a doctor of Christians choosing. This is some Patrick Bateman American Psycho bullshit.

"Ana. I don't want you listening to Huey Lewis and the News, his male voice is too enticing"

“Ana. I don’t want you listening to Huey Lewis and the News, his voice is too seductive”



Ana soon realizes shes falling in love with Christian (SOMEHOW) and calls her mom on her LG FLIP PHONE in tears and her mom suggests coming to visit her for some girl time. Ana tells Christian this and he FREAKS OUT. Because if its one thing you don’t want your girlfriend doing, its visiting her mother. That slut. Also, they have been dating for a few weeks. If a guy (or girl) makes you cry within a few weeks of you dating them, you need to peace out because they are scumbag idiots.

Ana goes and visits her mom and while they’re getting plastered at lunch (as you do) Christian just shows up. OH BOY! he then tells her to “take it easy on the cosmos” and PULLS THE DRINK OUT OF HER HAND. That is a punishable offence my friend and the punishment is death.

"peek a boo! guess who is here to control you!"

“peek a boo! guess who is here to control you!”

Christian has to leave the trip he was uninvited on (oh shucks!) because of an emergency (he was able to get into surgery for a personality transplant???) and Ana follows him. She arrives and his apt. and she grills him about his sexual choices and why he wants to hurt her so badly. Yea, I would also like to know why. Earlier in the film Christian told Ana about a friend of his mothers who made him a submissive for 6 years starting at the age of 15. So a child molester. The term he was looking for was child molester. At that part, and several parts lets be honest, I audibly groaned “UGH” and a guy behind me who was also drinking beers thought it was really funny.

Ana wants Christian to push it to the limit (that song is stuck in your head now) and he agrees. So to commemerate this new milestone in their relationship, she smacks her with a belt until she’s reduced to tears. Also I’m pretty sure he was wearing those horrible jeans from earlier. The pain, the pain of it all.

Afterwards, in the best move of the entire movie, Ana tells him to fuck off and leaves him. AND THE CREDITS ROLLED AND I WAS SO HAPPY. Oh I also forgot to mention that at one point in this movie Christian says “I’m 50 shades of fucked up” and I laughed and laughed.


Final thoughts:

  • Do you have an LG Flip phone?
  • Would you let a man hit you for a new Macbook Pro
  • I think I would
  • They are very expensive
  • Are you worried an attractive dog could be seducing your submissive?
  • How many shades of grey is too many?



Damn those pixels are scary: Top video game baddies

I, like many other people, really like video games. I am unfortunately very terrible at video games. I get turned around super easily, I can never figure out puzzles and I suck at aiming. I haven’t let this deter me though, I have soldiered on in my awfulness. I’ve played a lot of games very poorly and my favourite kind of games to suck at are survival horror games, which are chalk full of spooky villains and broken locks. So I’ve compiled a list of my favourite baddies which is here for you to enjoy. or don’t. I’m not your dad, man.


1. Pyramid Head from Silent Hill

talk to the hand cuz the pyramid..uhh cage..ain't listening

talk to the hand cuz the pyramid..uhh cage..ain’t listening


Obviously this guy would be on the list. We all lost our shit when he first showed up and I think it was mainly because it really, really looked like he was fucking those mannequins. That is quite the entrance.




Throughout the game you are terrified of when you will actually have to fight him because he will periodically show up and be like “hey whats up” while dragging around his final fantasy ass looking sword. When you actually do need to fight him its actually pretty anticlimactic and then you realize it was just an atmospheric scare and the build up was better than the actual thing, like most sexual encounters. HEY OH!

After a second playthrough he’s less scary and more of a “oh hey buddy!” and in subsequent appearances throughout the franchise, I actually got really hyped when he showed up. Like a comforting ghoul. So why is Pyramid head even on this list if he’s like a digital bro huh butcher..guy? hmm. Anyways, THIS IS WHY:



The reason he is on this list of scariest monsters is because of what the internet has done to him. This. This is what the internet has done to him. Do not even get me started on this, I had to delete my entire browser history after this google search. If that’s not horrifying, I don’t know what is.


 Actual scariness: 2/5

Scarring images from the internet: 7/5

Chiroprators nightmare: 5/5

Total spooky score: 14/15

Salazar from Resident Evil 4



Hear me out on this one. I know there are several other monsters, villians or clearly evil outfits (Ashley for real girl, what is that ensemble) to choose from out of this entire franchise but I mean, come on. Look at this goober.

When you first meet him he makes this dumb speech about how he’s going to kill Leon and then does this weird little dance. Keep in mind that for the past several hours before this, you had been wandering around an evil village shooting people that are lunging at you with pitchforks. Seeing this little prancing idiot was really jarring.

you little rascal

you little rascal

Salazer is just a creep in general, Is he old? Is he a little kid? Whats with that tri corner hat? Any vaguely old looking small child in short pants and period clothing is bound to be unspeakably evil. My favourite part about not only this villain but really everyone in this entire game is that their motives are really, really unclear. They kidnapped the presidents daughter and put a worm in her guts because…reasons? If they were going to unleash the virus on the world why did they keep her on this island and wait until a foxy Government agent came to the rescue. Unless…unless that was the plan the entire time. Salazar was in love with Leon and needed an excuse to bring him to his sweet party island and kidnapping a poorly dressed woman was the first step. Tooling around on his baadass jetskii was obviously the finale of the plan. I mean look at that thing! (also the best glitch in video game history)


The most confusing move in this entire game is when he transforms into a weird evil tentacle monster with a very obvious hit point. This was a lateral move at best. He didn’t get any creepier he just got…slimier. I don’t like old people and I don’t like children and Salazar is a creepy mix of both so I think we all agree he should be on this list


 Actual scariness: 2/5

Imagined scariness from vaguel steampunk outfit: 6/5

Dance moves: 1/5

Total spooky score: 9/15

Sander Cohen from Bioshock

your face needs to be not looking at me. thanks.

your face needs to be not looking at me. thanks.

Again, I could have chosen a lot of different scary elements from Bioshock. The big daddies, the little sisters, the undoubtedly uncomfortable cableknit sweater you were throughout the game, the list goes on. Sander Cohen is handsdown the creepiest part of this whole game and its because he is completely insane. And Insane in a very specific way. You know when you meet someone in passing and they start telling you their entire life story and you’re like “well this person is clearly unhinged” but you have to keep playing along and feigning interest because you have no idea when they’re going to snap and bite your face. Sander Cohen is that person combined with every pretentious art student you’ve ever been cornered by next to the hummus at a party. It’s a horrific combo. Also the mincing is unbelievable. Even Liberace would be like “cool it”

Sander is one of Raptures elite, and is an “artist” in the same way that Ed Gein was a seamstress. His art installations usually end up in murder and he always hangs out with these super creepy rabbit people. Seriously. Get lost with that nonsense.



One of the scariest parts of this entire game is when you have to do an errand mission for Sander by murdering and then taking photos of the dead bodies of people that have slighted him. At one point during this escapade Sander reads a poem he has written outloud. It is justifiably horrifying and here it is for you to listen to!

 Unforgivable. After slaughtering a bunch of people for him, he gives you a present in the form of a gun. You can then use this to murder him. Which I did. Because eff that guy.


 Actual Scariness: 4/5

Mustache awfulness: 3/5

Stage presence: 5/5

Total spooky score: 12/15

Clickers from The Last of Us

 This game has a lot of horrifying enemies, and I’m not even including the murderous cannibals, lugging around housewares for several minutes, the terror of opening your heart again to love a surrogate daughter or the dread of having a broken watch. Clickers top the list for several reasons

do I have something on my face? be honest.

do I have something on my face? be honest.

Clickers are one of the first enemies you encounter in this game and they are just awful. They’re essentially dorment until you make noise near them and then they attack you and rip your throat out. They cant see and can only sense things around them like bats do with sonar, so they stand around, sway and make clicking noises. They are just real turds all around. I Think the reason they scare me so much is because I am incapable of shutting my fat mouth for more than 15 seconds. If I was in this situation, I would be like HEY JOEL IM HUNGRY WHENS LUNCH? then trip over a desk and immediately be set upon by a dozen clickers.



Being quiet and stealthy is key in this game and I am terrible at both so this was a real challenge. There was multiple times I was just minding my own business, scavenging around for broken scissors when BAM one of these idiots would be chilling out in the corner of a shed. My nightmare. Another cherry on the awful sundae is the accompanying death animation  when a clicker gets you, it’s a wonderful scene of your neck getting ripped open. This does very little for morale.




 Actual scariness: 6/5

Please stop making that clicking noise: 5/5

Sorry about your neck, Joel: 4/5

Total spooky score: 15/15

The Boys of Silence from Bioshock Infinite

just fuck right off

just fuck right off

These rascals only show up very briefly near the very end of the game but they are absolutely terrifying. I mean look at these jerks.

oh boy yea that lighting is really helping things

oh boy yea that lighting is really helping things

 You have to sneak around these idiots very sneakily a  la Elmer Fudd sneaking up on Bugs Bunny. But if you get caught by one of them, they scream at your and tons of enemies swarms you. Also these enemies are wearing creepy masks of George Washington. It’s a real nightmare factory over in Columbia.

hey little guy

hey little guy

As I mentioned earlier, I am god awful at stealth, this stealth section is even harder than anything in last of us because there’s no convientetly placed bottles or bricks to through and distract them. You just have to slink around and hope they don’t see you.

After a cutscene in one part of the game you have to turn around to progress through the level and guess who is standing directly behind you. one of these goons. I have played through Bioshock Infinite 3 times because I am a sad, sad person and every single time I forget that when you turn around one of the boys of silence is standing directly behind you and every single time I get super startled and completely blow the rest of the level because I’m running around blindly while hollering. It’s really quite something. There’s probably only 5 or 6 of these throughout the whole game but they’re easily the scariest part of the whole game.


 Actual scariness: 3/5

Stupid looking helmet: 2/5

I mean they’re so dumb looki…oh god there’s one right behind me isn’t there: 5/5

Total spooky score: 9/15

So who wins this competition of scariest vidja game characters? well according to my very professional and technical scoring system, the winner is.. Clickers from The Last of Us. This might be biased because that game gave me several elaborate heart attacks and panic attacks, but hey what can ya do. So congrats to the clickers! you win! You’re the fucking worst and everyone hates you!!

2014 Nic Cage-A-Palooza: Season of the witch (this is apparently a movie that exists! who knew!)

Well Boners, here we are again. It’s been awhile, I’m sorry Ive neglected my internet children almost as bad as my real life children (hope the orphanage has wi-fi, hi baby!) But I’m not working today and I would rather subject myself to this awful (I assume) movie, than do the laundry. I’m very lazy you see.


Anyways, I did a quick Nicolas Cage search on my Netflix and there is like 10 of his movies on there! good god. I was tempted to do a review of the world trade center movie he is in, but its just too much. The tragedy isn’t that far behind us and it would be in bad taste to bring up such awful memories. I’m talking of course about the mustache he sports in that. Good god man.

and straight that hat while you're at it!

and straight that hat while you’re at it!


Right, but back to the movie at hand. Todays cinematic disgrace is called Season of the Witch. I have zero memory of this even going to theatres, so its obviously going to be good. The plot is as follows:


A group of weary warriors transport a suspected witch believed to be responsible for spreading the devastating black plague”


oh boy sounds vague! where are they transporting here? why are these warriors so weary? will Nicolas Cage wear a terrible wig? Lets press play and find out!


The movie begins with a classic scene of grimy looking peasants getting rounded up and chucked off a bridge because they’re accused of being witches. Turns out they were actually witches and not just normal girls who used an ointment on their finger or something like the usual witch accusing goes. So they’re not stoked on dying and release a curse.

Meanwhile, Nicolas Cage and Ron Perlman (Hellboy, why) are soldiers and they’re making bets on who can kill more enemy soldiers hahaah comic relief! also, Remember when Gimli and Legolas did that in a much better movie? hahha! There is a very long montage of them fighting in various battles, making quips, and then drinking with whores. The middle ages seems fun!

Nicolas cage accidentally stabbed a woman, and I guess it was supposed to be sad but the chick left her mouth open in a super comical “OH NO!” style for a really long time so I thought it was pretty funny. I guess Ron and Nic didn’t though because now they’re bummed out and don’t want to be soldiers anymore and peace out. Which you can apparently just do when you’re a soldier?

Nic and Ron wander around for a bit and notice that something in the milk ain’t clean in these parts. Namely, the plague. And its making people look hella fucked up.

Chapstick is like 1.50 dude, I'll buy you some.

Chapstick is like 1.50 dude, I’ll buy you some.


Ron and Nic meet OH MAN NATHAN FROM MISFITS IS IN THIS?!? I’m so fucking mad the he left that show, especially now that I know he rocketed to fame with this fucking stinker of a movie. GODDAMN IT NATHAN. Not even Barry can save you now.



So turns out they did get in shit for deserting the army, they now have to transport a woman that the church thinks is patient zero for the plague. They have to bring her to a monastery where it will be determined whether or not she’s a witch. There’s a “getting our traveling party ready” scene, and they bring along some chump who knows the path to the monastery, the witch in question, Nathan from misfits, and 2 church dudes. I have no idea what any of these peoples names are and I refuse to learn.

We are like 30 minutes into this and nothing has fucking happened.

They’re just wandering around the woods like a bunch of bros with a lady in a cage, you know how it goes.

The witch escapes eventually because she doesn’t want to be in a cage or in this movie at all, also something needed to move the plot along because good god this thing is dragging.


"It's a living!"

“It’s a living!”

So the witch is making these dudes go bonko, she made the one church chump thats with them run into Nathans sword? I’m very confused. Ok so. Nathan thought he saw a wolf, so he drew his sword and then this guy ran out of the woods and stabbed himself on it. I had to rewind it. I am not doing well. This is seriously a damn mess. Nathan is looking pretty bangable in it though so I guess that’s something.

I guess the ~~tension~~ from this movie is supposed to be whether or not we believe the girl in the cage is a witch or not. Nicolas Cage thinks she isn’t, but everyone else thinks she is.

OH WHOA the witch just offered to give Nic Cage a handy J hahaha oh my god. She must be under lucifers control. He said no though for some reason. Get it when you can Nic! when an imprisoned woman offers you a grimy hand job between the bars of a cage, you frigging take that opportunity.

Honestly, there is not much going on in this movie. They’re just plodding along and I’m getting really bored. There’s a scene with some wolves attacking the camp at night but its only a minute long. ACTION.  Oh wait, one of them got eaten by wolves. I’m not sure which done because its pretty dark. Also, I don’t give a shit. Oh it was the guy who was leading them to the monastery. Who I don’t think was needed at all because they have a priest with them? I assume he knew where it was too? I don’t even know anymore.

Nicolas, I am very upset with you for this movie.

Nicolas, I am very upset with you for this movie.

I’m going to level with you guys. I have like 7 Buzzfeed tabs open while I’m writing this.

Sometime during “29 of the most ridiculous moments in Americas next top model history” the group of chuckleheads have arrived at the monastery. You know what that means don’t you? THIS IS ALMOST OVER!!!!

Turns out all the monks are dead from the plague haha talk about a case of the mondays .

Now they’re giving the witch an exorcism. I don’t know why they needed to go all the fucking way to this monastery to do this but whatever. So I guess she was a witch this whole time? I’m not sure if we were supposed to be shocked or not at this reveal. OH wait, she’s not a witch she’s a demon? tomato, tomato (this saying does not translate well to the written word) Some very bad CGI fire is happening, like I’m talking Playstation 1 quality. The demon escaped and she’s pissed off and chucking a bunch of shit around and now she’s a dragon. OH fuck the priest just said “we’re going to need more holy water” STOP REMINDING ME THAT BETTER MOVIES EXIST.

my thoughts exactly.

my thoughts exactly.


Good lord the graphics in this movie are atrocious. This came out in 2011 so there’s really no excuse. Oh shit some of the dead monks are now zombies. There was also a touching scene of Nathan officially becoming a knight, soooo you know he dead. So they’re all just wandering around the monastery trying to find a way to officially kill the demon. Also the demon is talking to them now, and he has a sexy voice. I’m very conflicted. But seriously, look at this garbage






I have never been so disrespected by a computer animated graphic since the underwater level in Ninja Turtle NES game. Or really the entirety of Battletoads. WHY WAS THAT GAME SO FUCKING HARD!?!


Oh right. so A real lacklustre action scene with zombie monks is happening but I honestly don’t care. I finished all my buzzfeed articles and now I’ve been reading Somethingawful for the last 20 minutes. In retrospect I probably should have researched this movie before reviewing it but OH WELL. Anyways, Ron perlman is dead. Oh and so is Nicolas Cage. Nathan made it though! so there’s that. Oh and I guess that chick was just possessed and now she’s ok? she’s all naked and covered in goo though for some reason. ho ho I have been there girlfriend.

So Nathan and the girl (I have no idea what her name is) bury Nicolas Cage and then ride away on horseback to uhh I guess, somewhere??  THE END. I’m serious. That was the final scene.

Well fuck. this was terrible. I mean, not even enjoyable on an ironic level, it was just awful. I guess I learned about the black plague though. It was caused by witches and cured by Nicolas Cage. Thanks Nic! we owe you one.

Bless you, precious angel

Bless you, precious angel

2014 Nic Cage-A-Palooza: Wickerman edition

As you all know. I have been the president of the I hate Nicolas Cage fan club for a very long time. But something has happened. Somewhere along the line, my opinion on him swung in a different direction. I used to be like an angry parent at Nicolas Cages little league game. Shouting taunts until  my throat is raw and I get thrown out of the game by the rest of the parents. But now I’m like a proud parent nodding approvingly with a little smile at Nicolas Cage as he struggles in vain to hit a home run. A single tear slides down my cheek. I’m also drunk in both of these scenarios, because after all, it is a hypothetical little league game and what else are you supposed to do at those? Anyways, the point I’m trying to make here is that I somehow like Nicolas Cage. I don’t know why or how this happened, but I think my brain just gave up trying to punish him for being an annoying moron who named his kid after Superman. It just accepted him for the scenery chewing mumbling hack that he is. So to celebrate my new found admiration (???) for Nicolas Cage, I have decided to review my favourite Nicolas Cage films for your amusement. Now without further ado, a review of the cinematic masterpiece, The Wickerman

You know what I hate? giant men made out of wicker. Shit. There's one right behind me isn't there

You know what I hate? giant men made out of wicker. Shit. There’s one right behind me isn’t there


For some reason the 70’s horror film The Wickerman was remade because we are all running out of ideas and we’re circling back on ourselves. Art is dead and we killed it. Anyways, I’m glad that the bottom of the barrel is being scraped so througouhly because it brought this masterpiece into my life.


The movie begins with our main man Nicolas Cage getting a letter from his ex fiancé who lives on a mysterious island off the coast of Seattle. She’s dropping him a line because her daughter is missing. Nic is all “sure I’ve got nothing going on” and heads out. The reason he has nothing going on is because he’s on leave from police work because he saw a little girl burn to death in a car accident. Whoops. He’s also taking pills and they make him see things. Plot relevant things. also he’s very allergic to bees. This in NO WAY comes into play later in the film AT ALL.

The best line of the film occurs as soon as he gets on shore, and I feel it’s a real foreshadowing moment of the delightful things to come. He approaches a group of women holding a wriggling sack and he asks them if he can look in the bag. He then asks them “whats in the bag? a shark or something?”


The women reply by letting Nicolas Cage almost look in the bag but then pull it away and laugh at him. We at no point find out whats in the bag.

the bag in question

the bag in question

What was the point of this scene you may ask? I don’t have an answer for you and I don’t think God does either.

After this rousing exchange of wits, He heads to the local pub and talks to a super mean lady who clearly hates him. This is a recurring theme in the movie and most likely Nicolas Cage’s life offscreen. The entire island is run by women and the few men that are on the island are treated like slovenly dogs. Seems legit.

He finally meets up with his ex fiancé, Willow, who seems to be messed up on horse tranquilizers the entire time and spends each scene looking extremely baffled as to how she even ended up there in the first place. They blunder around the island for awhile while she mumbles exposition at him. Apparently the Island has a shitload of apiaries, but the bees are all dying and they can’t produce the honey they depend on for their livelihood. Oh, right and the missing daughter. That too.

the human representation of one of those text bubbles from Final Fantasy that just has "…" inside of it

the human representation of one of those text bubbles from Final Fantasy that just has “…” inside of it

This summary might seem short because at least 40% of the film is Nicolas Cage wandering around the island looking for the little girl or possibly an escape pod to launch himself into the sun and as far away from this movie. All the locals are being really spooky and weird to him, but again I think this might just happen to him in general. He goes to the local schoolhouse and screams at the school kids there for a bit after he discovers they crammed a bird into a desk. This was done entirely for the bird to flap out and scare Nicolas and wake the audience up. During his top notch detective work that is equal parts yelling and flailing, he discovers the missing girls name on the class ledger. The teacher claims that she said Rowan didn’t go to the school because Rowan is dead and therefore is no longer a person. Apparently Rowan died in a fire and Willow is just crazy. Seems legit. Officer Cage is on the case!

ding ding! here comes justice!

ding ding! here comes justice!

So Nic stumbles over to the scene of the fire and finds a little burned doll. He then launches into the most confusing, upsetting outburst of all cinematic history.

Why that take made it into the final cut of the film I will never know. It was at this precise moment this movie shifted from mediocre horror film to comedy of the year. I think the people in charge were like “Well this movie is a real turd, let’s at least give them a hilarious soundbite that will be quoted for years to come” I remember seeing this movie in the theater and when that scene happened everyone started looking around at each other for some sort of confirmation that it had indeed unfolded and we weren’t all in the throes of a gas leak induced group hallucination. Also, Nic: Fire. Fire is how the doll got burned.

After Nic cinched his Oscar nomination for most fucked up outburst in a major film,Willow just kind of blinks at him for a bit before saying she doesn’t know how the doll got burned. I mean, this girl is hot but at what cost. Nicolas decides to go visit the Mayor(??) or whatever of this weird village but halfway through his bumbling sprint there he falls and gets stung by a fuckload of bees. It’s pretty hilarious. The main bitch of the island (who they at no point in the movie refer to as Queen Bee which I feel is a missed opportunity) makes him all better and then she’s like “you are a phallic symbol and we hate those, fuck you and your ill fitting suit” So after that lead dried up Nic stumbles around some more until he finds out that there’s a ceremony coming up the next day and he thinks that Willow is going to be sacrificed to the bee god of Honey nut cheerios and he needs to stop this because Willow mumbled out the earth shattering revelation that we had all kind of assumed already, that Rowan is his daughter.

In between all this rousing action there’s just odd spooky scenes put in, like this which at no point is explained:

Do I have something on my face? be honest, or should I say BEE honest haaha BEE HUMOUR!!

Do I have something on my face? be honest, or should I say BEE honest haaha BEE HUMOUR!!


I don’t know why, but I guess just to spook us? also at one point in the movie the same woman plays a different character and Nicolas is all “didn’t I just see you?” and she’s like “nope” this has always bugged me. Did they run out of actors? and if so, why didn’t they just have her say “oh thats my twin sister” Its just really confusing and threw me off. Anyways, back to the honeycomb hideout.

Nic is running out of time and tries to go back to the helicopter that brought him there but wouldn’t you know it. The pilot has been killed and his hands have been ripped off and replaced with sticks! talk about a case of the mondays!

With no other options left and the ceremony starting, Nic runs back to the pub, drop kicks a woman into a wall and punches another woman out to steal her bear costume. I am completely serious. This scene is absolutely hilarious.

After being cleverly disguised in the bear costume despite his entire face showing through the mask, He sets off to join the parade of people dressed like animals because I guess it’s creepier that way.

hahahaah oh man how much would it suck to get saddled with that shitty fish costume??

hahahaah oh man how much would it suck to get saddled with that shitty fish costume??

Nic finds Willow and tells her he’s here to save their daughter. Willow blinks in return. FINALLY we get to see this little twerp as she’s tied to a pole. Nic puts his years of police training to the test and driven by pure adrenaline and the kind of love only a father can have for his daughter, he executes a magnificent manoeuvre that leaves the audience speechless.



He fucking socks a chick right in the face and steals back his daughter. When this happened, everyone I was in the theater with went completely fucking insane. I remember some girl stood up and started clapping. It was breathtaking.

Anyways, after that priceless gem of a move Nic kinda wanders around for a few minutes until his daughter runs away. He chases her and wouldn’t you know it? she led him right back to the gang of ladies who are waiting to sacrifice him in a gigantic burning effigy to bring back their honey supply. Hahaha isn’t that always the way? Ex’s, am I right?

So they smash the shit out of Nic’s legs and put a cage (ho ho!) over his head and throw some bees in there. Nic responds as such:

Bravo. BRAVO I SAY. This scene. This scene man. I can’t even begin to understand what happened here. Near the end he just starts making garbling noises. Was this movie honestly supposed to be a comedy the whole way? because the original wasn’t, so why would the remake be? This movie is so confusing, it should just be a really mediocre horror movie but it’s so much more. I feel like this movie could be shown at some pretentious art gallery and then a slide that just says WHAT IS ART? would show up on the wall and everyone would clap but they would be really confused as to why they’re doing it. It’s just, so fucking weird. No ones performances could be taken seriously, and by all rights this movie should have been scrapped entirely. yet here we are.

Anyways, after that they hoist Nic up in the giant wicker man (OH I GET IT) and he burns to death.




Final thoughts:

  • Do you think you would be able to see a gigantic burning effigy all the way in Seattle?
  • Does this movie explain why honey is so expensive?
  • How drunk was Nicolas Cage during filming?
  • Why was this released into theatres instead of being thrown in a burning trash heap?
  • Was there a shark in that bag?
  • Is it ok to hit a woman if you’re wearing a bear suit? if so, why?
  • Do you prefer Bees? or Beads?



Please reflect on the time we’ve shared here together and be sure to join me for the next instalment of Nic Cage-A-Palooza where we visit the timeless classic Face/Off

Ya blew it: the most bonkers PR blunders

By now I’m sure you’ve all heard the news from the “sounds like an Onion headline, but is actually real” files. George Zimmerman will be boxing DMX.  I am really hoping that DMX beats Zimmerman to death. Just punches his head right off his body like an angry, barking, Rock’em Sock’em robot. Zimmerman apparently set this whole thing up under the guise of a “celebrity boxing match” He is playing extremely fast and loose with the term Celebrity here, but I’ll give him a pass since that’s what society seems to be doing in general for this trogloldyte. Zimmerman originally wanted to fight Kanye, and I would also love to see that fight, if only for the inevitable beatdown to occur while Kanye is wearing a leather kilt. I was already excited that Kanye might fight this human stain, but then when I found out DMX was doing it instead, I realized God is real. Whether or not this bizarre PR stunt actually occurs is still yet to be seen, but I was reminded of several completely bonkers and bewildering PR stunts from the past few years, and I am going to share them with you.

1. Raging Boll


this one immediately leapt to mind becaue its almost exactly like the Zimmerman/DMX incident only replace “actual murderer” with “really bad director” and “Insane rapper” with “internet nerds” this entire debacle is also my favourite PR disaster ever and I talk about it all the time.

Essentially, really bad director Uwe Boll (responsible for such jewels as Alone in the Dark, House of the Dead and Bloodrayne) got very upset that a lot of people reviewed his movies and come to the agreement that they were indeed the worst things ever. He was really angry about this and decided the best way to express his displeasure with these critics was to lure them into a PR boxing match hosted by Seems kind of legit and something the internet would be down for right? except it was not a stunt and he just viciously beat everyone involved. I cannot confirm nor deny that Uwe said “lets pound some geeks!” before he went into the ring, but its not a far stretch.

the face of a reasonable man

the face of a reasonable man

The entire thing was streamed live, and thanks to the glory of the internet is still available to watch on youtube. Though I must warn you that the fights go from “haha!’ to “oh my god he’s killing them!” very quickly. They also made an entire documentary about this madness. Hands down the best thing to come out of this was the post fight interview with my main nerd crush, Rich “Lowtax” Kyanka wherein he tries to make jokes but is clearly enveloped with a fiery rage about the fact he was just lured into a vicious beatdown by a lunatic under the guise of a PR stunt. Uwe Boll thought the entire thing was hilarious. because who can’t find the humour in making a person vomit from smashing him repeatedly in the face?

because fuck you

because fuck you that’s why

He continues to make really bad movies and people continue to mock them, so I’m hoping for a Raging Boll pt 2, but I’m also very concerned because I’ve made fun of his movies before and he looks like the type of person who would reign blows down upon a girl so wish me luck.

2.Boston Vs Adult Swim

haha oh boy

haha oh boy

Everything about this is a hilarious mess. Adult Swim wanted to promote the new Aqua Teen Hunger Force movie, based on the TV show about talking food that live in a house together in New Jersey. They thought the best way to go about advertising this movie was placing several electric ads featuring one of the recurring characters from the show, pixelated aliens named Mooninites (you with me still?) they placed these around Boston and it wasnt long before everyone freaked the hell out because they thought it was a terrorist attack. This is even more amazing when you consider this is what what on the ads:


If you didnt know what Aqua Teen Hunger Force was this would be very confusing. Especially since theres nothing on it explaining that its an advertistment or even any mention of the tv shows name. It’s just a giant lite brite of an alien flipping the bird. But if you DID know what Aqua Teen Hunger Force, it would be extremely hilarious. Especially if you were stoned. Which you most likely were because you are a fan of Aqua Teen Hunger Force. I dont know how anyone could ever think that a terrorist would be so demented as to mark their potential attack zone with a purple light up pixelated alien giving the finger, but here we are. Several employees got arrested for the offense, but Adult Swim was pretty excited about the free PR and hoped that the movie would attract more than just burn outs and confused parents who thought it was a kids movie.

In the end all we learned from this was that when installing several ads with electrical components, maybe mention the name of the product its promoting. This also taught us that we should never allow movies to be made that are based off of 15 minute long tv shows.

3. Susan vs Twitter

Remember those SNL skits with Celebrity Jeopardy and Sean Connery would read the titles of the topics incorrectly? like “therapists” is “the rapists” this is exactly like that.

when I said exactly, I meant EXACTLY

when I said exactly, I meant EXACTLY

Everyones favourite Tolkien dwarf turned singing superstar, Susan Boyle, was releasing a new album, and whatever pr whiz was in charge of the social media campaign came up with the hashtag “Susan album party” only as we all know with hashtags you cant put spaces in them. So we were left with “susanalbumparty”

I’ll wait here while you read that over a few times.

The worst thing is that this could have been so easily avoided if they just put Boyle in with the hashtag, but alas they did not and the anal bum party was born. I dont know how this wasn’t caught earlier because after just a cursory glance at it, at the very least the word bum leaps out. also, huge bummer (yes!) for anyone named Su that was hoping to really amp up the excitment and promotion for their freaky deaky party on Twitter. Either it was a total bust, or a lot of very confused Susan Boyle fans showed up.

this of course being the other option

this of course being the other option

This one went largely unoticed mainly because anyone who was going to celebrate the release of a susan boyle album is likely still convinced that cameras steal your soul, so I doubt they are avid Twitter users.

4. Spaghettios Vs Pearl Harbour

This didnt make much of a blip on the world stage, but it was a really baffling fiasco. It was brought to my attention by my friend Scott who is unhealthly obsessed with the Spagehitt o’s twitter account, Because yes, there is a Spaghettios twitter account. What an exciting time we live in.

In Scotts defence it is really quite something. Everything on it screams that it’s being run by a 46 year old ad executive who has a very loose grasp on how social media as a whole works. This scandal is proof positive of that.

On the anniversary of the attack on Pearl Harbour this is what Spagehitti o’s decided to tweet:


The cartoon image of a gigantic pasta ring shaking an American flag really sums up the entire tragedy of Pearl Harbour. My favourite part about it is that its tongue is sticking out and licking its horrible gaping maw of pasta in demented delight about the whole situation. I say “it” because theres no way this thing has genitals and if it does, I dont want to know about it.

The utter idiocy involved in this is mind blowing. There were several steps to this. Someone came up with the idea, and told someone to draw it, and then unleash it on the entire world and no one at any point stopped and said “what are we doing. We sell pasta” Spaghettios should stick to doing what they do best: selling mediocre pasta dishes to poor people. this is a perfect example of why Twitter is not for everyone.

there's marinara sauce everywhere! the horror!

there’s marinara sauce everywhere! the horror!

The company quickly pulled it down and apologized but since its the internet, that hilariously upsetting image is still out there. Luckily for Spaghettios no one has cared about them since 1963 and they remained relatively unscathed. But it gave us something so much more. Years later we can look back and say “Remember when the social media account for a pasta company released an insensitive drawing of their mascot to commemerate the horrible events that occured at Pearl Harbour?” and that my friends is something money cannot buy.

My foray into madness: I watch The Insane Clown Posse’s feature film

I knew it would come to this eventually, as you all know I love Juggalos so much. So very, very much. They are amazing in every way. I’ve known about this movie for awhile but didn’t decide to watch it until it was added to Netflix. I have no real excuse not to watch it now, so here we are. Before I watch this thing and write down my inner thoughts and/or turmoil about what I’m witnessing, let’s find out the actual plot of, possibly the greatest named movie in the world: BIG MONEY RUSTLAS

I hate myself.

I hate myself.

In the Wild West town of Mudbug, Sheriff Sugar Wolf arrives to confront an over-the-top villain, Big Baby Chips.

Well uhhhh, that’s it. Thats the complete synopsis from IMDB. “big baby chips” is sending me into complete hysterics. I fucking love Juggalos.

Ok so I’m starting this mess now but I feel like i won’t be able to even sit through the whole thing. Pray for me.

This is starting out pretty innocuously with a poker game, OH SHIT ITS BIG BABY CHIPS.  He’s played by the fat one from the band. Shaggy 2 Dope. Yup.

The face of a reasonable man.

The face of a reasonable man.

Also, at this poker game everyone are completely normal looking cowboys except for Big Baby Chips who is dressed like a Juggalo. I feel like if a fat man dressed like a clown joins your poker game, you should immediately fold, leave the bar and possibly move out of town.

This movie brings up so many questions, Do the fans of Insane Clown Posse and western films overlap quite often? Why was this made?? WHO FUNDED IT? more importantly, who fucking wrote it???

After a baffling opening credit sequence, we are joined by a sad man at the grave of his beloved Uncle Anus. You know, pretty common name back in the days of the untamed Wild West. Ohhhh its the other ICP dude, Violent J. Possibly the antagonist of this film??? LETS WATCH ON.

There is a lot of hammy acting and scenery chewing going on here. I’m only 15 minutes in and I am very irritated. I’m not even sure what goddamn genre this movie is supposed to be? Stoner comedy? action movie for the illiterate?

Oh a mexican named Dirty Sanchez, because why not. See it’s funny because Dirty Sanchez is a gross sex act, hahah comedy!!!!! I think I just answered my previous question of who wrote this movie. It was obviously a 14 year old boy who fuelled his all night writing sessions with Code Red Mountain Dew.

Uncle Anus’ nephew is currently plowing some woman in the woods and thankfully it cut to black because I did NOT need a Juggalo sex scene in my life. Thank god for small miracles.

OH NO! Some Native American stereotypes! I hope Uncle Anus’ nephew survives this encounter and lives to carry on the proud Anus family name.

oh the situation was resolved via a series of complicated highfives, as one does.

It’s also worth noting that at random intervals in this movie a wacky sound effect with play with no corresponding action.

This fucking face paint must be so bad for their skin, I bet they have really bad adult acne from it.

Dirty Sanchez just informed the Anus’ boy that the town wells water is more polluted than “a fat chicks ass after running a marathon with no underwear on” oh that Dirty Sanchez has the gift of weaving a beautiful tapestry with his words.

The intrepid Anus is looking for his mother, Handjob Hannah, in the town of Mudbug. She apparently resides at 69 Prickley pecker Lane. I think the Kennedys had a summer home around there.

Ok. So his mom also has Juggalo face paint on. So is the paint permanently on their faces?? is it a genetic trait passed down through the Anus family?  Is Big Baby Chips this guys relative too since he has face paint on?? How deep does this conspiracy go?? SO MANY QUESTIONS!!!!



Ok well anyways, apparently the Anus’ boy is named Sugar Wolf. I prefer Anus. I would even take Sugar Anus. (Sidenote: that would make a great stripper name)

Sugar Wolf is apparently the new sheriff in town, he got the position from dramatically affixing a sheriffs badge that he found in his moms house to his vest. That’s how it works.

the old sheriff asked where Sugar Wolf is from and he said New York City and the sheriff was all NEW YORK CITY??? I’m hoping this is a reference to those old Pace Salsa commercials but I feel like this movie isn’t clever enough.

I have no goddamn idea whats going on. Theres some sort of poker tournament and some dude got caught cheating so Big Baby Chips (ugh) is getting his henchmen to smash his hand. Also, one of the henchmen is wearing a vest with dollar signs on it and a bowler derby. God help me.

I’m getting very concerned that I might start to think one of the ICP members is attractive. I get cinematic stockholm syndrome where if I’m exposed to someone long enough I start to think they’re cute. I went through an unfortunate Shia Lebouf stage after watching all 3 Transformers movies in rapid succession. Those were very dark times for me. So hopefully a cute guy gets introduced very quickly or I might have to throw myself off a bridge.

Literally nothing has happened and I’ve been watching this for half an hour.

OH FUCK JAY FROM JAY AND SILENT BOB IS IN THIS. He’s looking not half bad. Things are looking up!!!!

Oh a midget is here giving the sheriff a pie. She’s talking about the pie being tasty,  but she’s really talking about her vagina. EUPHEMISMS.

Ugh they’re just panning back and forth between their faces while they make moaning sounds. I WANT TO DIE.

Some dude is stumbling around through town and oh he has lasers shooting out of his eyes because why not. I am 200000% done with this fucking thing.









Ok, so his eye lasers were bounced back at him by a mirror and his head exploded. apparently it was one of Big Baby Chips assassins and no one is bringing up the fact that he had FRICKIN LASER BEAMS COMING OUT OF HIS EYEBALLS so I guess in this universe that’s just normal? Also, worst goddamn assassins ever, he just blew up random things with no eye (I’m sorry) on his actual target. 2/10 would not hire.

The wacky sound effects are only getting worse as the movie progresses.

I have stared into the abyss and the abyss has stared back.

I don’t think I can go back to my life before Big Money Rustlas. The Rigby you knew is gone, I have been permanently changed, possibly on the molecular level.

Anyways, While I was having a crisis of faith, Sugar Wolf and his midget lady friend embarked on a “hilarious” dating montage that contained gross making out and a weird scene where she whipped him while he wore a diaper. I’m very upset with myself.

Some man with a large, apparently very smelly foot, is wheeling around town. The actors are really letting us know that he stinks by waving their hands over their noses and going PE-YEW!

Ok for just one scene there was a laugh track. I think I’ve lost my mind.

Apparently this foul smelling man is named “The Foot” and he is another assassin. He just keeps rolling around town yelling IM THE FOOT, BITCH.

I’m very, very sad.

I’m actually laughing really hard at this guy just doing circles in his wheelchair while yelling IM THE FOOT over and over. I think the laughter is keeping the tears from coming. Sugar Wolf dragged the Foot out of his wheelchair and into a pile of TNT which then exploded. He died like he lived: yelling IM THE FOOT.

Whoa! did you guys get a load of that horse??

Whoa! did you guys get a load of that horse??

There’s been a scene of people slapping each other thats lasted what feels like years. This movie is draining my life force.

I have no fucking idea what this movie is about and I’ve been watching it for 45 minutes. I think Sugar Wolf is trying to clean up the town but Big Baby Chips is just sending awful assassins with weird gimmicks to kill him? this is more scattered than the last season of Lost. (thank you, thank you, I’ll be here all week)

Sugar Wolfs midget girlfriend took off a mask revealing that she is in fact a man and was sent to kill Sugar Wolf. But I guess he has a vagina? because they had sex, so he’s a transgendered midget assassin? Also talk about the long con.

There’s also been a subplot running during the movie of the old sheriff going to New York City to get chili. It’s ridiculous and I don’t want to talk about it.

Sugar Wolf got shot by his midget lover in his shooting hand, so now Dirty Sanchez is helping him gain back his confidence. That is a summary of roughly 20 minutes of screen time.

I have a headache. I think I’m dying.

Things are happening, but I don’t think they warrant me discussing them. I think I’ve lost all hope. I’m a husk. A shell.

While I was softly weeping into my open hands, Big Baby Chips and Sugar Wolf had a standoff and Sugar Wolf killed Big Baby Chips. It was like that iconic moment when Harry Potter and Voldemort finally came face to face, ONLY BETTER.

OH SHIT before Big Baby Chips died, he announced that he was in fact Sugar Wolfs father. DID I FUCKING CALL IT OR WHAT??!?? I probably shouldn’t be so smug about this.

Well thats that, I did it. I watched Big Money Rustlas. I deeply regret my decision, but I can’t go back in time. I have to somehow learn how to live in this post Big Money Rustla world. It will be hard but I’ll just have to take it day by day. Please keep me in your prayers.

In the arms of the angel, fly away from here

In the arms of the angel, fly away from here



Oh and PS, feel free to follow my dumbass on Twitter @rigbot, join my Facebook pagearoonie and you can also follow me on Instagram if you want to see pictures of my cat at rigwolfe. Oh and my book is finally done! Its currently being edited so you guys should be able to get it soon!

The biggest flops that ever flopped

Now I love a good flop, I think we all do. Nothing like watching someone else suck at life to make you feel better about yours. I’ve been flopping my way through life for the past 27 years. I once cried after getting stuck in my own shirt. I’m not doing great. So instead of laughing at me, lets laugh at some other flops shall we?

1. Chris Gaines

The fact that he has a greatest hits album is blowing my mind

The fact that he has a greatest hits album is blowing my mind

This is really quite remarkable and I feel like enough people don’t know about it or remember it. Essentially what happened was this:  Garth Brooks decided he wanted to release a rock album but didn’t think people would take it seriously so he made up an alter ego called Chris Gaines and released it under that name. Yes, this is a thing that happened.

He wore a little soulpatch and a stupid black wig and acted all mopey and mysterious. It was like he was living out the plot of a cartoon where a flowerpot fell off a windsill and smashed him on the head and he got amnesia and assumed this  new identity. I don’t know how this even came to be, like at no point did any of his friends or business partners stop and say “wait a minute Garth, this is fucking bonkers” luckily Garth got hit in the head by another flowerpot thus reversing the effects as per the rules of cartoons,  and now he’s back to just being a pudgy white country star. God bless.

2. Movie 43



I have actually not seen this movie in its entirety. I tried for the sake of this blog and I couldn’t do it,  and I have seen A LOT of bad movies in my day, I once saw a movie called 2 headed shark attack that starred Hulk Hogans daughter. I also just lied, I’ve seen it twice.

This movie is bad on an entirely different level. You know how some people are so lame they’re actually cool (me) thats what 2 headed shark attack was. It knew exactly what it was and we all knew exactly what we were going into. This movie is lying to itself and the general public. There are roughly 8900 celebrities in this movie. I have no idea how all of them agreed to be in it but I assume a healthy mix of kidnappings, blackmail and black magic was involved to get them to appear in this cinematic dogturd. The movie is just a series of skits, each one more brutal than the last, that are held together with an equally shitty framing device. To put it in perspective, one of the skits centers entirely around Kate Winslet going on a blind date with Hugh Jackman and he reveals that he has a pair of balls on his chin. HUGH YOU WERE JEAN VALJEAN YOU DONT NEED TO DO THIS.

Ugh, Now I get why Javert wanted to throw this guy in a cell forever.

Now I get why Javert wanted to throw this guy in a cell forever.

Each skit is like a rejected SNL pitch written by a 15 year old boy. Here’s an actual description of events of one of the skits from the wiki article to really hammer the point home:

“Their dad cheers them up by farting humorously in front of them. As Mikey goes to the bathroom to defecate, Nathan and their father watch a game on television.”

Don’t know how to end your comedy bit? TRY A FART JOKE.

3. The Lone Ranger



This flop was DELICIOUS to me. I was waiting for this flop the moment I heard they were making this movie. First of all, who the fuck asked for a Lone Ranger movie? what’s next? a Buck Rogers in the 21st Century movie? (that’s a good joke, you’re welcome)

You know what kids these days love? A movie about a cowboy that rob trains with their Native American friend and clocks in at just under 2 hours. OH BOY!

Also, it was very racist. Johnny Depp, no one is buying that you’re a Native American. You’re like .5% Native, that is not enough to portray a Native American in a movie when there are actual Native American actors that could do it.  You can wear all the beaded bracelets and stupid little necklaces you want but no ones falling for it Depp!

This movie lost a shit load of money, like 220 million worth, and everyone involved is super butthurt about it and claimed that North American audiences didn’t “get it” oh we got it, we just didn’t want it.

4. Kony 2012

This picture sums up 2012 quite nicely actually.

This picture sums up 2012 quite nicely actually.

I also throughly enjoyed this flop. You all know about Kony 2012 unless you were in coma for the entire year of 2012.

The first time I saw the Youtube video that started all this rubbish, I was all “yes, but where is this money going??” I don’t have a problem with donating money to say, research for the cure of a disease, or donating money for a pet shelter to buy food, those are legit. But this was just money to “Raise awareness” it was very vague. They wanted to make Joseph Kony, an African warmonger, famous. I feel like this isn’t the best way to go about it. I think  donating money that goes to fixing the infrastructure of the country will probably be a better approach than elevating one guy to a weird supervillian status. I mean yea, let’s fucking kill the dude if we can, but one more insane warlord that kidnaps kids and makes them soldiers will just pop up.

So you could donate money and get a packet of like stickers and shit to let people know you were aware of the existence of Warlords and child soldiers. (Yay!) Turns out stopping one guy won’t make all the evil in the world go away, sure you could donate to say, Unicef, The Red Cross, or other reputable organizations but they don’t give you a bumper sticker and a press package (Boo!)

This spiralled out of control faster than my life the night I ate an entire cheese plate.  Turns out a lot of the money didn’t go to what they said it was going to, and the organization behind the video, Invisible Children, shuffled around funds to pay themselves way more than was needed. But the best part was when the dude who directed the video had a complete and utter spaz attack on the streets of San Diego. Dude went straight bonkers and went on what can only be described as a naked mania, which was of course captured entirely on film. Shortly after his film debut, Kony 2012 kinda petered out and everyone quietly peeled their bumper stickers off and tried to forget the whole thing. I bet Carl Weathers is bummed though, he probably had his fingers crossed for a Kony movie.


Well I hope that this helped you feel like less of a flop, I know it helped me even though while I was writing this I forgot I was boiling an egg and it exploded. I’m not doing great.



Hey Skymall, what the fuck is going on over there?

I can’t be the only one who loves look at ridiculous catalogues and laughing and/or wanting for the products contained within. And Skymall? forget about it! Everytime I get on a plane I cross my fingers that it will both A) not crash and B) have a skymall catalogue. Anyways, Today we’re going to take a look at some of the most “huh?” worthy products I can find on ye olde Internet, and my god are there some great ones.

1. Cat toilet training kit – $59.99 from Skymall

ahhhhhhhhhhh! YES!

The idea of a cat sitting on a toilet makes me completely lose my mind laughing and I wish I had the patience/insanity level to train my cat to do it. It is seriously up there on the list of hilarious visuals along with someone getting hit in the face with one of those giant yoga balls.

Anyways according to the product description this is a step by step training program that will teach your cat to use any “human toilet” I don’t know what other toilet they could possibly be referring to but your cat can’t use it. HUMAN TOILETS ONLY PLEASE. I think how this works is you make the cat sit on those seats and then eventually ween him off until he sits on the regular toilet seat like a big boy. I’m not sure if it shows how to teach your cat to flush the toilet but it better because using the toilet is a two tiered system. Or possibly a three-tiered system if you had Taco Bell for dinner.


I would think the odds of this working properly would be extremely slim and probably end with a wet cat and lots of scratches. Let’s see what the product reviews have to say. Well shit according to the three assholes who bought this thing only one of them said it didn’t work for their cat. That is completely blowing my mind and to be honest with you guys I sort of want to buy one and try to get my cat to use it, but since I have been sneaking up behind him and trying to push him into the toilet every time he drinks out of it for the past year or so, something tells me that would end vurrryyy badly.

2. This freaky head thing – 49.95 from Skymall



ARGHHHH WHAT! This looks like something that would be in a really good 1950’s sci-fi movie and something that would be in a really bad 2010 movie. Jesus H. I’m pretty sure this is what they use in Scientology to read your theton levels properly. Let’s see what the description on this lovely…thing has to tell us

This patented Italian design incorporates Japanese engineering and utilizes acupressure to relax and soothe your problems away. It’s like thousands of tiny fingers simultaneously massaging your scalp. Simply place our Head Spa Massager on your head and feel the tension miraculously leave your body.

My favorite thing about this is the pensive look the guy has going on. “ah yes, this is enjoyable” I like to imagine he’s listening intently to a conversation but wishing desperately that someone will reference his metal head machine. “that’s very interesting, but did you notice this thing on my head?” WE NOTICE IT.

3. This nightmare of a lamp

vogue, strike a pose there's nothing to it.

vogue, strike a pose there’s nothing to it.

Are you very lonely? Do you like women’s bodies but not their heads? Are you currently reading this in a dark room? Then do I have the product for you!

Imagine stumbling on this every night when you got up for a glass of water. I’m positive at least 80% of people who own this lamp die of heart attacks from thinking some odd headed woman is striking a pose in their living room before murdering them. The cops show up to determine the cause of death and then see the lamp.

“Open and shut case. It was the lady lamp again. Damn you Skymall! when will you learn?!”

It doesn’t help that the thing looks like it’s wearing bondage gear. I’m pretty sure this lamp was commissioned as a background piece in a David Lynch film and Skymall somehow got their hands on the mold for it. It would be great for a haunted house though. I will give them that.

4. These pants



To the untrained eye, these look like shitty old jeans. WRONG! They’re actually shitty pajama pants that are made to look like shitty old jeans. This is some through the looking glass bullshit. The universe is going to fold in on itself. Can you please think of a social setting where it is unacceptable to wear shitty looking pajama pants, but it is acceptable to wear a shitty pair of ill-fitting ripped jeans? The two are mutually exclusive! This isn’t like a Tuxedo tshirt, which transitions easily from day to night. These pants are just terrible in every form.  If you look down and you are wearing these pants, you need to see yourself out of the human race. There’s just no hope for you. Even more troubling, is these are from the Birthday gift suggestion of the Skymall website. WHO IS GIVING THESE AS GIFTS?!

I also enjoy how goddamn long the fly is. It’s like the top are mom jeans, and the bottom are Kurt Cobain’s jeans. It’s the weirdest hybrid I have ever seen. These pants are upsetting me on at least seven different levels and I need to move on.

5. This box that says inspirational things to you but only if your name is Bob.

Well I know what I'm getting my dad for Christmas!

Well I know what I’m getting my dad for Christmas!


This is honestly all it is. It’s a box, and when you open it a little voice says “You’re the man Bob!” or “You sure are sexy Bob!” that’s it. I am so baffled by this entire thing. Why? WHY? what purpose does this serve? I mean I guess you could put things in the box, but don’t put your gun in it because if you need to be extra quiet and open it while a robber is rootin’ around in your house it will scream LOOKING GOOD BOB! and immediately give up your position. So I guess maybe you could put like some candy or some random knickknacks in it? I’m seriously so confused by this thing.

The reviews are mixed, half the people who bought it for the bobs in their life said it didn’t work. How dare you Skymall? Is it so hard to produce a quality talking box that will say nice things to a person named Bob? We put a man on a moon but we can’t properly make a disembodied voice tell Bob some nice things about himself? GOOD GOD.


Well my credit card is maxed out from buying cat potty training kits and pajama pants that look like jeans, so I guess I should draw this mess to a close. Don’t forget, Christmas is coming up, so maybe buy the Bob in your life a little box that will talk to him!