5 awesome things that should happen in real life

1. slipping on a banana peel

oh dear god no

oh dear god no

ok how awesome would this be if it actually worked? if it did I would carry banana peels around with me all the time and also bananas because they are full of potassium. In cartoons it works all the time, literally everytime you step on a peel you friggin fall straight on your back, so it should probably work the same in real life. To be honest I just really love seeing people fall, its totally hilarious and I feel like I don’t get to see it enough. Really the only time I am 100% sure I’ll see someone fall is if I’m at the bar at 1 in the morning. I think that this banana peel theory would increase my chances of pointing and laughing at someone falling by at least 34%

2. heart boxers



in cartoons whenever anyone gets their pants pulled down, they are always wearing heart boxers. I think this would be amazing if it happened in real life for several reasons. One reason would be that it would really help out the novelty boxer making trade, who I think are feeling the squeeze of our poor economy the most. Also, people getting their pants pulled down is so amazing, its basically the best thing ever. If you are ever at a party and want people to like you just pull someones pants down, chicks will be all over you man. And I mean, that’s entertaining as it is, but could you imagine how much better it would be if you were guaranteed to see heart boxers? Oh man, even better would be if when your pants got pulled down that “womp womp” noise came on and everyone had a good laugh. That sounds more beautiful then words can express.

3. ACME products

the Apocalypse is nigh

the Apocalypse is nigh

when i was like 12 i remember i looked at a zipper and it said ACME on it and i nearly shit my pants. i was all “say whaaaaat” and my mom didnt seem that excited, possibly because she was driving while i tried to shove my sweater in her face. anyways, now that im older and also alive (good driving mom) i realize that lots of place actually are called ACME. those thieving sons of bitches. but im not talking about those bootlegging assholes (china im looking in your direction) im talking about the original acme products.

if you think about it, ACME products is really the equivalent to walmart for us. you are welcome for that amazing observation. they sell shitty products that never ever work, they must have a good return policy like walmart or else Wile E Coyote is in a lot of debt, and im pretty sure both places sell supplies to make pipe bombs. walmart and ACME also have a huge monopoly on basically everything, even the monopoly guy is all “holy shit those guys are assholes”  the only difference is ACME kicks fucking ass and i would rather shop there. think about it, which would you rather see? an overweight mom in a promotional budweiser sweater yelling at her kids that always have either chocolate or boogers on their face, or a pantsless coyote buying hilariously oversized dynamite sticks? i rest my case.

4. talking animals

you disgust me.

you disgust me.

man oh man, how rad would this be? how many times have you been at home alone and said a really hilarious one liner and no one was there to hear it but your animal? if you are like me, this happens countless times a week. but what if your dog was all “oh man, good one! you rule rigby!” only it wouldnt say rigby to you, only to me..unless it was just observing that i was awesome. anyways, wouldnt that be amazing? it would make having sex with an animal in the room even more awkward though, which is a downside. especially if you had a really filthy thinking rabbit or something.

anyways, it would also make solving crimes easier if you had a pet other then a parrot and you got murdered. As a quick aside-I think people that possibly know they’re going to get murdered should own a bird and train it to say the name of the person they think will kill them. thats just good planning. but if all animals could talk, that wouldnt be necessary! and thank god because i hate birds. your pet hamster could be all “it was johnny fourfingers that killed paulie! now i want to be placed in the witness protection program!” in this scenario the hamster was owned by a mob boss, which is also sweet. hopefully though this wouldnt lead to really insane animals voicing their horrible opinions, that would be embarassing as an owner if you had a really anti-semitic dog or a cat that really hates black guys.

5. sweet sound effects

i believe the term is menage trois?

i believe the term is menage trois?

this would make anything better. it pretty much explains itself. how many times have you been in a really awkward situation and you are all “fuck i wish someone would use a slide whistle, or a huge gong or flush the toilet right now” well i am constantly in awkward social situations and that has never once happened to me. well maybe once but it was me flushing the toilet while a girl cried to another girl in the bar bathroom about how her boyfriend cheated on her. and believe me! it was hilarious! they didnt really think so, but im sure after the girl stopped crying and throwing up, she had a little giggle.

anyways, how this would work i imagine, is that something hilarious happens and you think a sound effect would make it better? so it shall be done. a guy drops his eggs at the grocery store? wom wom woommmmmp. a girl falls off her bike? cue hilarious crashing noise. and the very best of all, the filet mignon of the amusing sound effects. the slide whistle. it works with basically anything. your boyfriend gets a boner? slide whistle. a dog falls off a trampoline? slide whistle. you are at your great grammas funeral and its super boring? slide whistle. or possibly toilet flushing.  or maybe gong. a funeral  can really be improved by any sound effect.


1 Response to “5 awesome things that should happen in real life”

  1. 1 Nick Burns March 6, 2009 at 4:10 am

    “Aaaaaal….Let’s have sex!”

    “No Peg.”


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