Now many of you might not be familiar with this game, and lord knows I wish I wasn’t. it is seriously the worst game I have ever played. Ever. When I was like 10 I played myst and I was like “wow, this game is horrible” but that was just because I was a little dumbass. I can appreciate that game now, but shaq-fu has no place on this earth. Sauron would even hate this game. The bad guy from harry potter who I want to call snape but I think that’s wrong and im too lazy to check would even hate this game. You know who would hate this game? TERRORISTS. Or they would like it, whichever makes the game seem more evil. This thing is like a plague upon mankind. I think they might even mention it in the bible, but somewhere in the back so don’t quote me on that. Now you might be thinking to yourself “hey jerkoff where do you get off hating on my boy shaquille o neal so much?” well let me continue I found this cartridge of crap on sale for like a buck, how could I resist? I had a buck and I would rather buy this game then give it to some homeless guy or something right? Wrong. DEAD WRONG. Well maybe not dead wrong, but still wrong.
The plot of the game is basically shaq is wandering around Chinatown looking for I assume either illegal fireworks or a temporary cure for his yellow fever (wink wink) when an old man, who looks suspiciously like the old man from gremlins, tells him he has to save a kid or some shit from another world. Im not really sure, I kept pressing start to get past the cutscenes. So you go to this crazy world and fight assorted weirdos like the token “sexy cat girl” and “green guy” and “guy in a cloak because we were too lazy to pixelate him a face” its basically the same as street fighter except with one glaring difference. There is no sexy chun-li and the controls are god awful. I honestly have owned this game for like 3 years and have never gotten past the first round of the first level. Its funkin impossible. I have made people play it and at first they’re like “oh hahaha its like a novelty purchase haha” but then they play it for like a minute and they want to run towards the nearest living thing and kill it.
watching peoples faces fall when they experience this is amazing, and then afterwards its like you are both in this club where you have seen things you shouldn’t have and you don’t ever mention it again. So I guess this is kind of a shitty review since I haven’t even come close to being anywhere near completion of this game. I don’t know who ever thought to make this game because I don’t really ever remember shaq being so popular that he deserved his own snes game. But I guess that little red dot from 7up had his own game so everything is up for grabs at that point. Anyways, if you ever see this or know someone who has it you should try and play it and see if you can get farther then me. you might be the next messiah if you can, im just saying. All I know is my super Nintendo controllers got the shit twisted out of them when I tried to play it and they don’t deserve such paltry treatment.
The only thing shittier that had shaq’s name attached to it was a crunch bar, which was essentially a chocolate bar with rice krispies stuck inside. I tried to make one at home but it just didn’t work out. Anyways, its just awful. I found this youtube video of someone playing it and to be honest I didn’t even get like 2 minutes in because I started having a weird pavlov’s dog reaction and almost barfed all over my keyboard.