food items i’ve never eaten but im sure are gross anyways.

1. the fillet-o-fish aka the fish burger

that's not mayonnaise.

that's not mayonnaise.

These things look beyond nasty. I’ve eaten at McDonalds plenty of times; most of my grad 12 year was spent skipping school to eat happy meals with my jerkass friends infact. But I have never, ever, let one of these mistakes of god touch my lips in all those times, and I mean half of those times I was probably wasted, so I consider that to be a huge success.

Nothing about this burger seems quite right. First of, I’ve never seen a perfectly square fillet of any fish so that’s a red flag right there. But I guess they couldn’t really call it “square breaded fish chunk burger” or they could and fat Americans would eat it anyways. But let me go on. This thing is just bun-fish-mayonnaise(?)- bun. At least on all the other burgers they throw on a tomato or something so you feel like you have a little dignity left instead of being reduced to eating just eating meat on a piece of bread.

2. basically anything on the taco bell menu

the box can double as a cat coffin.

the box can double as a cat coffin.

when taco bell opened in my city, people went effin bonkers. For the first like 2 weeks the drive-thru line up was out of control, and I had to drive past it everyday on my way home so I really got an eyeful of this which was just terrible, and on top of that its across the street from a mcdonalds so in the summer you really get a whiff of what im sure the bathroom line up at six flags smells like.

Anyways, I have never eaten taco bell at anytime. Ever. I’ve been in the “restaurant” but I’ve never eaten there, it is more disgusting to me then words can describe. I feel bad for whoever got the task of taking the photos for the menu because its impossible to make anything on that menu look appetizing. They all have insane names as well, like “super crunch wrap gordita extreme with a layer of fries or some shit thrown in there for good measure” I have been to mexico, Mexican people don’t eat taco bell. And their combos are ridiculous, its like 4 tacos, fries, 2 burritos and a coke for like 45 cents. No wonder there are so many overweight people these days, if you have a five dollar bill you can eat at taco bell for like 3 weeks straight. You know the stock footage in news reports about obesity where it shows fat people from the neck down walking around? They are all filmed outside a taco bell.

3.what ever the hell this is

the real reason for 9/11

the real reason for 9/11

hey, you know whats good? Pancakes. You know what else is good? Sausages. You know what I bet would be really good? A fucking pancake wrapped around a sausage, oh and there is also chocolate chips in the pancake to really get the calories up in the thousands. Except wait, that’s a terrible, terrible idea. Yet here it is. Jimmy dean is probably either a sith lord or someone who really hates arteries because hes the only devil that could approve an idea such as this. I mean what the hell. I personally haven’t ever seen these in a grocery store because hopefully they got stopped at the border for being too fucking terrible, but if I did see them I think I would hover around the case and wait for someone to pick them up. Then I would slap them out of their hands while screaming “eat some fucking cheerios for breakfast you slob” I mean, who thought of this?

The only person I would let get away with eating this is a really, really stoned college kid. Infact im pretty sure that’s the only person that would ever eat it, if you feed your child these you should automatically get them taken away. They should put a chip in the boxes and when someone buys them child protective services is alerted and arrives at their home within an hour. You know who would feed these to her kids? Britney spears. I think I’ve proved my point. I cant even go into how dreadful these are because I’ll get too worked up over it, hopefully the picture speaks for itself and somehow im sure it will.

4. Anything at Arbys other then curly fries

vegetables are for pussies

vegetables are for pussies

You know what I hate about sandwiches? Basically everything but the meat and bread. what’s that you say Arbys? You have a full menu of similar sounding trash for me to pick from? Sign me up for an early death as well as one of you delicious sandwiches. Arbys is the worst offender of them all because they have to know how terrible they are, they are like the cheap Mexican rip-off dollar store toy of the fast food world. Anyone who eats there willingly is a masochist. Who else would do that to themselves? Never once have I ever thought “you know what would really hit the spot right now? Arbys”

They offer 5 goddamn sandwiches for 5 goddamn dollars. What the hell is that all about Arbys? Are you serious right now? So you suggest that I either eat 5 of these death meat stacks, or that I feed them to my friends and loved ones, what the hell is this, a saw movie? What kind of fucked up human being do you think I am? If anyone tried to hand me one of these things as a friendly gesture I would cuff them right in the chops. Some of them have “cheese” on them, but it really isn’t helping matters when the cheese is cartoon toxic orange colour.

Also as a personal rule I try not to eat sandwiches that cost me a dollar. Oh and they have this sauce, called horsey sauce? What the fuck is that about? I’ve heard people ask for it and they sound like total jackasses. The smartest man in the world could ask for this stuff and it wouldn’t matter, you still sound retarded. Stephen hawking might be able to get away with it because then it would just sound like a robot ordering it, which is totally awesome if you think about it.


6 Responses to “food items i’ve never eaten but im sure are gross anyways.”

  1. 1 Ashli January 30, 2009 at 5:36 am

    Oh fuck this noise. I will eat fish burgers until the day I die.

    Also, Ian and I are thinking about having an ‘Arbys Challenge’, which sounds really bad ass, but is actually just us ordering one thing off the menu and eating it without throwing up. I’ve never ate there before, and I want to live on the edge.

  2. 2 Bryant February 3, 2009 at 8:40 pm

    How dare you sully the name of arbys. I love those veggie-less sandwices. The only way to make em better is to substitute the bread for 2 slices of meatloaf. And, horsey sauce is horseradish with mayonaise.

    • 3 rigsamarole February 5, 2009 at 11:58 pm

      you will die a terrible terrible death if you eat at arbys i’m almost 98% sure of it. and meatloaf is so disgusting! even though i know its just basically hamburger, its the shape i find repulsive

  3. 4 My Bobby Bob Bob March 3, 2009 at 10:46 am

    You know what you need to do? You need to go to Arby’s and order a roastbeef sandwhich and try to tell yourself that shit doesn’t look like a loose vagina you saw in a porno once. Just sayin’.

  4. 5 My Bobby Bob Bob March 3, 2009 at 10:48 am

    Also, I secretly want to have the Big Box menu real bad, but that weird crispy chip dessert thing always turns me off.

  5. 6 brianne sheppard March 3, 2009 at 6:23 pm

    hahahahahahahaha. awesome.

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