1. If the dad in it didn’t look so shockingly similar to randy marsh.
I mean what the fuck, I couldn’t have been the only person to notice this right? Also I got wasted and went and saw this and I started yelling “Stan!” at the screen during an “emotional” scene and let me tell you, that fat chick with the tiara on infront of us was not impressed. If you haven’t seen this movie you might not get it, and this is the best picture I could find without delving too far into google images. Once you get into like page 10 of google images, its no mans land. but i mean, its a pretty tight resemblance. i think if i ever met this guy i would probably bring it up several times until it got awkward or he agreed with me.
2. If there was tits/junk in it
First of all, I was totally clueless that a mormon wrote this book but once I was like halfway in and these assholes hadn’t even kissed or copped any sort of feel, I had an inkling.
Basically, I paid 10 dollars, I want to see some attractive people have sex. Is it fair that I paid my money, got all hot and bothered at pale people talking softly to each other, and then had to drive 15 minutes out of my way after the movie to stop at a sex store and take another 10 minutes out of my day to find a decent porn and watch that in my basement at 1 in the morning? Is that fair summit entertainment? Is it? No. no it is not. Just let them fuck and we’ll all be a lot happier. Plus the chick already had her pants off at one part, that’s half the battle really, don’t be lazy vampire Edward.
3. If instead of sparkling in the sun, they got all fucked up looking
Ok when Edwards all “let me show you my skin in the sun but first let me remove my peacoat and also unbutton my shirt for reasons unknown” I was all “alright hes going to get all fucked up looking and possibly burn in the sun” since THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS TO VAMPIRES.
But was I rewarded with some sweet special effects and/or him bursting into flames? No. no I was not. I was rewarded with what looked to be a man who struggled through the dancefloor of any given bar on a Saturday to get to the can and rubbed up against too many chicks with glitter on their arms. What. The. Hell. What the hell were they thinking? And I mean, jesus. I’m totally speechless. When I tell people what happens to vampires in this movie they don’t believe me. my boyfriend still doesn’t believe me and I think that he might not propose to me because he thinks im a filthy liar. You have ruined my life glittery vampire.
4. If it were less horribly awkward
One of the drinking game rules for this movie – Yes we played a drinking game in the theater – Was to drink whenever something awkward happened. We ran out of booze halfway through. Im talking like, every 15 minutes or so there is a super awkward pause or just like a really uncomfortable statement is being made.
Its like when you hear about a guy writing a poem for his girlfriend and you’re all “aww I wish my guy would do that” but then when it happens you’re like “aww…that’s…..nice…” but its really awkward and you arent sure where to look when he’s reading it to you. That’s how this movie is. And like, little girls eat it up because they have no concept of what love is actually like. If my boyfriend said “you are my life now” to me, I would probably assume he needed my bone marrow. If my boyfriend said “I rented snoop dogg’s hood of horror since you like shitty horror movies” I’d probably touch his penis. That is the difference. Awkward declarations of love = me getting shitty wasted in the movie theater.
5. If they followed any sort of vampire legend groundrules.
Ok what the fuck here, as a huge nerd, I know a lot of rules and regulations surrounding most of your garden variety monsters. I believe that the woman who wrote this book had no flippin clue. Im actually pretty sure she wrote a romance novel, had it rejected, went into Microsoft word and replaced the word “man” with “vampire” everytime it came up. I mean what the fuck. I was so enraged at this. Ok first of all, everyone knows vampires cant be seen in mirrors. Right? Wrong you fucker, wrong. Of course they can when the “action” “climax” of the film takes place in a god damn ballet studio.
I was willing to let that one go but then when they go to ugh..prom…they get a fucking picture taken, and I was praying to Christ that someone would be all “holy balls this guy didn’t show up in the picture” and it would take a carrie-esque turn. But no. that didn’t happen. also, most vampires can change into bats and fly around all badass, but in twilight they change into northface vests and sort of jump really far like a squirrel or a cat if you sneak up behind it an scare it. who the hell does this chick think she is that she can just re-write vampire rules. A super rich mormon apparently. Damn it.
now i will admit it, twilight is like crack cocaine in its addictive-ness. it is such a poorly written asinine mess of a “book” yet it is completely impossible to put down, possibly because if you read at a grade 10 level you can have it finished in like an hour. but this movie has done what no other movie can, it made my brain think it was good even though i knew it wasnt. possibly because i was fucking wasted, possibly because i want to hump half the cast, i will never know, but i know that i will be waiting in line for the sequel with a 26 of gin taped to my leg. that is all.