5 video games from my childhood that kicked ass

1. Contra.

"he's standing right behind us, isn't he?"

"he's standing right behind us, isn't he?"

this game was so amazing and still clearly is,  i remember when i first popped this sucker in and realized i could SHOOT AT AN ANGLE. it blew my little mind, and if that wasnt enough to wow me, when you friggin jump-the dude does a flip in the air. A FLIP. oh my god it was love at first sight, even though it was unmerciless in its constant barrage of shit flying everywhere, i was confident i could flip myself out of harms way. i was wrong. this game was fucking hard.

i got a fever, and the only prescription is MORE FLIPS

i got a fever, and the only prescription is MORE FLIPS

Me and my brother spent hours playing it and my parents would let us because we were “bonding” aka “my brother telling me im doing it wrong and slapping the controller out of my hand” we struggled through this fucking game for so long and all we could ever get to was the ice level.  and then a wonderful gift from god came into our lives in the form of that fucking awesome 30 lives code that everyone knows except for our dumb asses apparently. after that we ruled the shit out of this game yet my brother would still constantly slap the control out of my hand.

did i mention that you wouldnt die if you fell in the water? that shit was unheard of in those days.

2. Commander Keen

that exclamation mark only sweetens the deal

that exclamation mark only sweetens the deal

now back in the good old 90’s there was a little thing i loved with all my heart, and that little thing was shareware. basically the greatest invention of all time. Commander Keen was the baby jesus that was born in the manager of shareware. and i guess a floppy disk would have been the camels? i dont know where im going with this, but the game is really good ok? ok. so there were several installments of commander keen, the first one being god awful obviously, but commander keen 3 or goodbye galaxy (!) was the most amazing one of them all. this game had everything, uhh you could shoot slugs and also bounce on a pogo stick or DO BOTH AT THE SAME TIME.

commander keen > physical activity.

commander keen > physical activity.

i also really enjoyed that you could just go to basically whatever level you wanted to, you werent really on a set path, which was amazing for me since i have a short attention span and i really fucking hate underwater levels.  there was mysterious pyramids and i couldnt ever get to one and it really fucking pissed me off. come to think of it i havent ever actually beaten this game or gotten to that goddamn pyramid. well i know what im doing for the next 6 – 8 weeks.

i would also like to give a shout out to another shareware gem- Halloween Harry. god you were rad.

3. donkey kong country

a monkey wearing a tie? yes please.

a monkey wearing a tie? yes please.

man. when this game came out it was like the second coming of christ. this game was such  a big deal that everyone at school would discuss the commercial for it at great lengths. if youtube was around back then there would be tons of videos of kids freaking out about it, not tons of videos of kids unfunnily re-enacting SNL digital shorts (god i hate you kids)

anyways, when i got it i quickly discovered one thing. That i really fucking hate donkey kong. that fat fuck is totally useless. Diddy is the god damn brains of the operation, mother fucker can cartwheel. Man, and you can ride animals in it!! that ruled! except for the frog, god i hated that frog. oh and im not sure if it was the first one or the second one, but one animal was just a parrot that held a light for you. wtf. LAME.  so where was it? oh right, this game was really really fun and i still play it to this day.

they made a sequel, which was rad. but then they got greedy and made a third one which was just grotesque. it was like the bastard child of the franchise and it just had the slutty girl monkey and a, i assume, violent retard baby monkey. it was terrible.

im on to you, you son of a bitch

im on to you, you son of a bitch

4. Super mario bros. 1 and 3, not 2. 2 sucked.

all italians have mustaches and are plumbers. ITS SCIENCE.

all italians have mustaches and are plumbers. ITS SCIENCE.

now who among you can argue against this being on the list? none of you. i should probably point out at this time in the list that i was clearly a nintendo kid. sega was its bastard child as far as i was concerned. sonic the hedgehog had nothing on these italian stereotypes that i hold near and dear to my heart.

i was so excited when i beat the first level on Mario 1 and the little flag went down and i think i called my mom and dad in the room to watch and im almost positive they didnt give a shit. i mean, this game was so sweet for being back in the day and the music was so amazing and i guarantee  if you do the “dun du du du dun dun” first part of the cave level music at the next party you’re at someone will do the last part of it. and if they dont then you burn that fucking house to the ground.  so yes i love this game, although i havent ever beaten it, but that doesn’t make me less of a (wo)man does it? yes. yes it does.

you had me at hello

you had me at hello

ok and the third one. OH MY GOD. so so so good. remember when you first got the frog suit and you were all “say whaaaat?!” and then when you got the racoon suit and you found out you could become that statue you were like “SAY WHAAAAAT!!” even though the statue was totally and utterly useless, it was still fucking cool. oh and the frog suit was lost almost immediately in any level i used it on. but! i loved the card game you got to do sometimes and also when you went to the world where everything was big. oh man. so fun.

now mario 2. where did you go wrong? why cant you be more like your brothers? oh i get it. you’re the middle child. trying to get attention by dating a biker or being a terrible acid trip of a game? is that it? you wait until your father gets home and you have to answer to him about why luigi can sort of run in the air for a long time and why if you hit the edge of the screen you come out the other edge. lets just hope he doesnt use the belt this time. oh and your little “carry an enemy on your head for an outrageous amount of time” trick isnt going to fly this time mister. now go to your room.

nintendo should have had an abortion.

nintendo should have had an abortion.

5. paperboy

you are one smug bastard, you know that?

you are one smug bastard, you know that?

fuck this game is hard. but i loved it so. this game was like an abusive boyfriend to me, i kept going back after repeated assaults because i just cant get enough of its sweet, sweet loving. basically, you ride around on a bike and chuck papers at houses, but if you like hit a dog it will chase you or sometimes you could hit a car a guy was working on and it would fall on him and we would all have a good laugh at the manslaughter charge i would surely be facing. there was so much shit going on the screen at any given point that it would blow my mind and i would always fuck up. i would never get to the end of the week, i always died on like wednesday.

what the fuck is going on

what the fuck is going on

but i remember on the back of the case it showed a ~classy~ neighborhood that i would someday get to deliever newspapers in. and let me tell you, that neighbourhood haunted my childhood because i was never ever even close to getting to it.

in fact, i blame my poor performance in this game for why i never got a paper route when i was a kid. that and i was terribly lazy and enjoyed sleeping in.

i recently bought like a “best of” collection of old games for the ps2 and paperboy was in it and i called my brother to tell him and i think the only phone call that will ever top that one in pure excitement is when i call him to tell him im having a kid or some shit like that. anyways, we played it for the whole day and got pretty wasted and yea we never beat the first week. which goes to show this game is awesome still, but still really hard. but we got wasted, which is all that matters.


6 Responses to “5 video games from my childhood that kicked ass”

  1. 1 Bryant February 10, 2009 at 9:30 pm

    Did we ever beat DK3? Wait, correction. Did I ever beat DK3 while you watched? Also, DK and DK2 go in those categories. And, c’mon Mario 2 is by far the 2nd best Mario 3 being the best. Mario 2 is totally an acid trip which makes it amazing. Hallucination…ation…ation.

    p.s. I’m listed in Santa Monica and you’re listening to Santa Monica

  2. 2 Ashli February 11, 2009 at 2:44 am

    I’m going to name my first born Commander Keen. That is how much I fucking LOVE that game.

    • 3 rigsamarole February 13, 2009 at 2:01 am

      i was going to put in how you made me watch you play DK 3 on VALENTINES DAY but i didnt want to sully your good name via a blog. so im working on a ticker tape parade which should do the sullying quite nicely.

      ps- i shall lay you thrice

  3. 4 Negative Nelly March 6, 2009 at 1:35 am

    Why can’t you just open up your mind and accept that mario 2 was groundbreaking/brain tinglingly amazing. Fuck you, square.

  4. 5 Butcher March 9, 2009 at 12:07 am

    mario 2 could have been great if they didn’t just copy the exact game, Doki Doki Panic.
    ever notice we never see any of the badass bosses form this sucker as well?? my mario games need more Fryguy, Tryclyde, Clawgrip, Wart and even the gender-bending Birdo.

    i agree with this list rigs….though battletoads needs to be #6

  5. 6 Art December 28, 2009 at 7:22 am

    Lemme capitalize on the partially-completed list fo uh minnit…
    You forgot to mention:

    1.NES – Mike Tyson’s Punchout
    2.Shareware – Secret Agent (entire DOS collection)
    3.California Dreams – Blockout
    4.California Dreams – Street Rod 2
    5.ATARI – Bezerk, PacMan & Frogger
    6.PC – Grand Theft Auto 1 (later on)
    7.Duke Nukem (over Doom) (favorite board: WARZ)
    and Rumne Chess (Hard-to-Find animated Chess game for PC-DOS)

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