4 tv shows that need to go away forever

1. jon and kate plus 8

bles8ings? god i hate you.

bles8ings? god i hate you.

holy shit i hate this show and i’ve never even been able to stomach an entire episode.  my understanding of it is that a passive aggressive bitch yells at her litter of children and husband who is clearly dead inside for half an hour. is this accurate? this show is also played on TLC more then Spike TV plays car chase shows, and this causes me to fly into a rage everytime i change to this channel hoping to see a show about some weird ass medical condition but i am instead rewarded with this shit.

and another thing, i dont know why you would have twins and then take more fertility drugs to get more kids. now i have never had children of my own but i can only guess that childbirth feels like getting punched really hard in the vagina from the inside out which does not sound appealing at all.  and now theres this other woman who just had 8 kids in one shot, so im guessing kate is shitting her pants now that shes been upstaged in the “clown car womb” category.  if this other chick gets a tv show i will just completely lose it.

2. dancing with the stars

actual stars

not pictured: actual stars

hey you know what people like? third rung actors from the early 90’s, you know what else they love? BALLROOM DANCING, lets combine the 2 into a non stop train of entertainment. FUCK I HATE THIS SHOW.  this show is so awful that i was shocked when i found out it wasnt on FOX. how is this show still on the air? who is watching this? i’ll tell you who. joyless women who are in their early 30s and have cathy cartoons on their fridge and are extremely offended by any sort of off colour joke or anyone who casually uses the word fuck in conversation.

i swear in the beginning of the show when they’re introducing the “stars” they should also put a footnote explaining why this person is a star, like “he was the  quirky neighbor in that soap opera from 1991” then us at home could be like “ohhhhh, THAT guy! well i still dont give a fuck, lets watch a car chase show on spike”

3. Maury

uhh...ok. huh. wow.

uhh...ok. huh. wow.

ok, i am a huge advocate of terrible daytime television and have spent many a day at home either sick or hungover enjoying the  useless garbage spewed forth, but maury has crossed a fucking line. he does paternity tests every fucking day i swear to god. whenever i see it is on i always say a silent prayer that it will feature slutty 12 year olds or really overweight cajun babies. but it is ALWAYS paternity tests.  i think i would die happily if i never heard “bitch i told you i ain’t the father” ever again.

And some of these women have been on the show like +5 times, its totally ridiculous. are you really sleeping with these many guys in like the week period it took you to concieve this kid? i think it should be a new law that if a woman has been on maury more then 4 times trying to find her baby daddy then she should be flagged in some sort of computer and should be sent to some sort of, to quote anchorman, whore island.  oh and the kid should probably be adopted by fucking kate and jon or some shit.

4. American Idol

i have never raised my fists in anger towards a .gif before now

i have never raised my fists in anger towards a .gif before now

the only good thing about this show is the first couple of episodes where they apparently pay off local mental hospitals to let their patients out for the day to sing infront of three asshole judges.  if this show was strictly insane morons singing terribly and then having complete mental breakdowns when they’re kicked off, i would watch it religiously. but unfortunately that isnt what this show is about. its about finding a “star” aka “some jerkoff everyone will forget about in a year and a half”

Kelly Clarkson shoud count her lucky stars that she won when she did, since she was the first she isnt a huge novelty like the rest of these assholes.  she is the only one who isnt a total trainwreck, like that fat black guy no one remembers and that guy who won awhile ago, and did a chick win in between? i dont know, whats on spike? i hope its a car chase show.


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