Man, fuck spiders. They are so awful and I think god was like “OK lets combine the creepy awkwardness of lobsters with the uncomfortable jittery movement of a beetle and hey, lets throw in something that instinctively makes them run towards the nearest living thing that is terrified of it” and here we are. Spiders make me lose my goddamn mind. Once I saw one come out of an air vent and I thought I was going to have a complete nervous breakdown, and where i live it gets pretty cold in the winter so these greasy fuckers try to come in my house and ride out the cold months. You know what I say to that? fuck you spiders. In fact, doing the image search for this post made me almost vomit in terror and I literally just saved the first pictures I saw.
You know what is almost as bad as spiders? people who own spiders as pets. what the fuck is that about? whenever someone tells me that they own a pet spider, I automatically assume they also have a lot of blacklights in their home, love the movie The Crow and routinely shop at Spencers gifts and/or Hot Topic. I could be on the best date of my life with friggin Prince Charming and if he told me he had a pet spider I would sprint away from the table as fast as I could. To put this in perspective, I have been in love with David Duchovny since I was 12 years old and the only thing that would stop me from sleeping with him is if he had a pet spider. And I’m counting in the fact he has kids and a wife and also apparently a rampant sexual addiction. Literally the only thing that would stop me was the spider thing.
2. my father
Don’t get me wrong, I love my dad to pieces. But that son of a bitch has made it his life goal to scare the shit out of me and my brother. In my childhood home we had a pool and my dad would throw you in if you were within like a foot of the thing, it didn’t matter if you were fully clothed or eating a sandwich, you were going in you motherfucker. Oh and he would throw in any friends of ours who happened to be standing too close as well, so basically now I’m terrified of standing too close to any sort of pool and pond because I’m convinced I’m going in.
Here’s something that might help you to better understand his insanity – my father once waited behind a shrub for 30 minutes in order to scare my brother who was coming home from a friends house. 30 minutes. That is commitment my friends. And this wasn’t like a one-off sort of thing, this was routine. He would constantly lay in wait like a goddamn rattlesnake waiting for you to open a cupboard so he could pop out and make you piss yourself.
I could literally write an entire entry about how my father terrorized me throughout my childhood. It’s like he got strength from the frightened tears of his only daughter and it gave him superpowers or something, I really cannot see any other reason why he would torment us so mercilessly. It’s either the superpower thing or that he’s a huge dick.
Alright I know literally every single girl loves horses/ponies but I fucking hate these things. Have you ever looked a horse square in the eye? I swear if you look long enough you will see how you’re going to die. fuck horses. You know what freaks me out the most? horses are smart; smart enough to mess up your world. They will totally fuck with you and be total assholes but on the same note they’re just animals so they’re dumb enough to be total idiots and break your face in half accidentally.
The only time I have ever been comfortable around horses is when I got wasted at the horse track and ate pizza all day. And when people are telling you to feed horses, they’re always like “oh keep your hand flat so he can get it all!” but what they should say is “keep your hand flat so he doesn’t bite off all your goddamn fingers” you think horses like sugar cubes? you know what they really want? your blood. They want your blood.
If someone gave me the choice between riding a horse or a cow I would totally take the cow. Cows are fucking retarded so there’s no worry about them biting your goddamn hand off or something like that. You know what the ultimate proof is that horses are dicks? They hate superman. Think about it.
4. spontaneous human combustion
This is the ultimate big fuck you from God. He just straight up makes your body explode based on the fact that hes sick of looking at your goofy ass. This would be the worst way to die, the only pro is that it will sound super sweet when people ask how you die and your friends are like “Man, she just fucking burst into flames because she was such a bad ass motha” or at least that’s how I assume the conversation would go down. I once saw a CSI episode where this happened and it was terrifying, bitch was just minding her business doing god knows what and KABLAM shes friggin on fire.
Second only to my fear of spontaneously combusting is seeing someone else spontaneously combust. If I saw that happen I would have a total breakdown based on both the fact that I saw someone explode in front of me and also I would assume that spontaneous combustion is something you can catch like the flu. Don’t quote me on that, but I plan on wiki-ing it later/adding it to the wikipedia article.
5. backwards talking/unnatural movements
When The Ring first came out and that grimy bitch climbed out of the TV I thought I was having a series of mini strokes. I was shushed by the boy I went to see it with because I was hyperventilating in terror and I’m guessing he knew at that point he wasn’t going to get to touch my boobies so he might as well tell me to shut the hell up. I want to shake the hand of the guy who invented the now standard “super jerky movements in the upper body while the lower body moves properly” technique in horror movies. A handshake followed quickly by a shot in the guts because fuck that guy.
This coupled with backwards talking is something I am not at all prepared to deal with mentally. Sometimes people (total dicks) will pretend to backwards talk to me or jerk around all weird and my defense mechanism is to instantly burst into tears while they laugh and point. Fuck I need new friends.