ok i have seen all of these movies but havent read any of the books, and all the movies i’ve seen have been really out of order except for like the first three. i thought in light of the new movie coming out soon which i will inevitably get wasted and go see and ruin for my friend brianne. (sorry in advance brianne) i should probably review my knowledge of it.
alright, so basically harrys parents got the same treatment as batmans parents only by a weird snakey wizard and not random thugs. oh and harry didnt grow up to be nearly as handsome or rich as batman. but anyways, he lives with a total dick and his whore of a wife and some fat kid lives there too i think. and he has a pet owl which is gross. but i think the owl dies later on in the books, which seems like a huge fuck you to fans from the author, because like in what context would an owl ever have to die? does it fly in the way of like a bullet or a samurai sword about to hit harry? because if so kudos to you miss rowling, but if not, your a bitch for making kids cry because that owl died.
anyways he goes to some wizard school populated mainly by jackasses and redheads. oh and robert pattinson is there for a bit but he has a douchey name and he doesnt really talk much and he dies later. i fell asleep when he died and when i woke up and he was already dead so im not sure how he died exactly. i like to think he died of just being to good looking for the rest of the cast to handle. or he possibly took his own life because his name was cedric diggery.
and then i guess that guy wants to come back and kill harry and it has something to do with that scar on his head which he could really improve the look of with some vitamin e cream. or like a spell i would assume. but like, how hard is it to kill a kid? seriously. super villains seem to have the worst time of it. just shoot him in the face or something.
use a spell and transform into like a butterfly and then sneak into his room and transform back and then shoot him in the fucking face. its not rocket science. and like on scooby doo and shit i can understand being thwarted by a gang of teens, but i mean, if you’re a fucking evil wizard you clearly have no qualms about murdering people so just like burn the school down or something. or go mapquest his house and knock on the door and when he answers SHOOT HIM IN THE FUCKING FACE. that tactic worked well for both the terminator as well as amy fisher.
anyways, the main point i took away from all these movies is that this is the worst school ever to send your kids to. i wouldnt send my kid to a school where theres a chance a troll will eat them or that the guy who lives in the shack out back will touch him. also that guy is basically the magical equivalent to groundskeeper willie. i watched one and as a test they had to steal an egg from a dragon, what the fuck is that about? are you kidding? and it was like “oh the tasks get harder as they go” but i think if you open up with a task involving stealing the young away from pissed off dragon bitches, it cant really get harder then that. unless the next task is like “shoot your dog in the face”
anyways, after that dragon fiasco they have to keep their friends from drowning which is really fucked up as well, because like first of all, in order to get their friends i cant help but imagine they threw a burlap sack over their heads while they were walking down the hall and then just threw them in the back of a van after adminstering drugs or just beating them with a pipe. i really cant see it going down any other way.
and then the last task was to escape from a fucking hedge maze. are you shitting me. and then that d bag cedric cant pull a goddamn vine off his leg even though he probably weighs like 170 pounds and is a full grown man. fuck him. anyways i fell asleep like a minute after watching him struggle with some leaves, and when i woke up he was dead and harry was crying like a bitch and i guess no one won that magical cup they wanted so fucking badly. and this is just one movie here, in another one some annoying broad got eaten by a snake or some shit and she haunts the shitter now. wow. as if getting eaten by a snake isnt punishment enough, now you have to spend eternity watching preteen wizards drop deuces and drink in the stalls before school dances. basically this is the worst school ever, student fatality wise.
oh and the teachers seem like fucking pricks. the principal seems alright but he seems to only really care about harry and his friends, which makes me think there are alot of mystical eating disorders and wonderous school shooting plans being missed. and that one teacher snape, is he bad or good? i cant remember or maybe they never really said. he seems like a weirdo though and that haircut isnt really helping matters. oh and i saw one where a teacher like made harry cut himself or something? with like a pen? pretty sure thats illegal even in wizard uhhh..land.
ok where was i? oh ya, the last one i watched didnt make much sense to me since i hadnt seen the one before and they kept talking about how their friend died and whatnot. and i was all “say whaaaat?” and it seemed like most of the movie was them talking about fighting but not fighting and the two redheaded assholes fucking around. oh and harrys uncle died i think but im not sure.
so i guess in conclusion i literally know nothing about harry potter other then this snakey wizard wants to kill harry because hes an asshole and apparently murdering his parents wasnt enough for him. oh and the girl in it is going to be smokin hot in like a year, and if maxim was still a legit magazine she would probably be in it. oh and dumbledore dies. spoiler alert. oh ya and i really hate that ron guy and to be honest i dont really care too much about harry either. i really like the groundskeeper willie guy though, i feel like he would let you tug on his beard and then we would all have a good laugh about it afterwards.