Beverly hills chihuahua: an exercise in pain

wow you guys owe me. im about to watch beverly hills chihuahua and give you assholes a play by play of the horribleness all for your internet amusement. so you guys better be reading this instead of working on an essay or visiting an elderly family member, or i will be pissed.

so its come to this.

so its come to this.

so basically, im going to watch this movie (for free on the internet mind you) and give updates as i watch, so uhh i have my holy water here and a loaded shotgun so lets begin.

Opening Segment-

people are putting weird outfits on chihuahuas in a weird dog store, also jamie lee curtis is there with a bluetooth and i guess she must have no money left if shes in this thing.

if i was her i'd drive that car right into a wall after this

if i was her i'd drive that car right into a wall after this

a minute later-

a chihuahua wearing a hat looked in a mirror and said “hello jackie o” i assume jackie o is now crying up in heaven and also, can people in this movie hear the dogs? i guess i’ll find out.

like 10 minutes later-

ok im really struggling here already so i fast forwarded a little and basically what we have is some girls in bikinis talking about their dogs who are like a foot away also wearing bikinis. what the fuck, the actors must have gotten like just hammered in order to do this. i have a feeling the director has extremely filthy photos of them or something and once the movie was completed he would give them the negatives of said photos.

anyways, i guess one chick hates her dog because its a bitch (no pun intended) and her friends are all “whatever girlfriend” but if you hate your dog, either start hitting it more frequently or give it to the pound. thats how this movie should go, just an hour and a half of chihuahuas being slapped in the face, but i have a feeling it wont be.

15 minutes later-

ok i fastforwarded again once i realized one of the dogs is voiced by what i think is carlos mencia. carlos mencia. anyways, i guess these girls either went to mexico or a mexican slum in beverly hills. but the one whore dog that the girl was complaining about, im going to call WD, is in a cage or something right now talking to a pitbull who probably knows Micheal vick (too soon?) lets continue

really america? REALLY?

really america? REALLY?

20 minutes later-

so i guess they were in mexico, and then one girl goes to i think the gardener of her house and asks him to put flyers of the dog up i think? and then she says “you know, like donde esta chloe?” which is like almost racist but not quite. the guys a gardener so you automatically assume he’s mexican? you whore. anyways, back in mexico, or maybe that whole scene took place in mexico? im not sure. anyways,  i guess the dogs were fighting in some sort of pit and escaped somehow and bad to the bone started playing in the background.

a minute later-

i have started drinking screwdrivers. i am alone and it is 4 in the afternoon.

you're my everything

you're my everything

the next 10 minutes of the film-

alright i guess the dog has a really expensive necklace on, which was showcased by a closeup of it, followed by a closeup of a guys face looking surprised, then back to the necklace, then the guys face looking devious. SPOILER ALERT that guy is going to try and steal the necklace. ok and then the girl goes to the cops to tell them about her missing dog, and her phone rings and its playing the mexican hat dance. apparently this dog is jamie lee curtis’ which i guess i should have figured out earlier. on a happier note, im now on drink number 2.

i dont know, like 10 minutes later?-

ok the gardener and carlos mencia dog are at the cop station and the chicks all “hey what are you doing here your a gardener” and hes all “you tramp im a landscaper”also who lets random dogs in the police station? fuck.

awhile later-

the WD’s friends are having a party and then it cuts to WD sleeping in a bag under a bench. a passing mexican child drops a churro for it and it eats it. ok seriously producers of beverly hills chihuahua, a churro? why couldnt it have been an oreo or a fucking ham sandwich? we get it, they’re in mexico. i have never once seen a mexican person eating a churro and i’ve been to mexico 5 times. this film is so borderline racist but in a way that if you were like “hey! this movie is racist!” you’d end up looking like an oversensitive asshole. lets continue.

how this movie views mexicans

how this movie views mexicans

30 seconds later-

a gang of street tough dogs walk up and claim “hey essai, that’s our churro” in awful mexican accents. i think i need to take a breather or something, i can feel my eye twitching involuntarily. nowhere in the previews for this thing do they mention mexico or anything, so its weird that they’re really pushing the fact that its taking place in mexico. why didnt they call it mexican chihuahua?

this reminds me of the time i went to see the movie wolf creek in theaters (its terrible dont see it) and its an australian film and at the beginning it has a blurb that it takes place in the australian outback and the first guy to talk has an australian accent, anyways a guy infront of me got up and left and never came back, and i cant help but think he went to the ticket counter and demanded his money back because no one told him it was australian. i can picture moms being like “but its mexican i was promised beverly hills!!”

X amount of time later (it doesnt matter at this point)-

alright, now two fully CGI animals, and iguana and mouse,  are running a con on the WD by the mouse being eaten by the iguana but i guess not really and the dog has to pay some sort of dog currency to make it stop. to be honest i didnt really understand and i reached to get my drink and when i looked back mexican police dogs were running drills so whatever.

10 minutes later-

ok its now a full hour in and theres only 20 minutes left, i feel lightheaded and my nose has started to bleed.  i guess the iguana/mouse combo got her collar that the guy wanted to steal and a rotweiler is all “hey fags give it up” and they crawled in a box. now WD is on a train and one of the mexican police dogs is running alongside it and i guess they’re friends now even though sex would be utterly impossible between them. and yes i just said that.

awhile later-

so uhh the carlos mencia dog sang the opening part to hero by enrique iglesias and now that song is playing. i have started alternating between sobbing hysterically and laughing maniacally because ive lost my mind.

no thank you sir, no thank you.

no thank you sir, no thank you.

like 10 minutes later-

im fastforwarding pretty heavily through this thing at this point, but basically the police dog is fighting three CGI cougars and by fighting i mean barking while they swat at the air.

50 seconds later-

wow. um. a gang of mexican chihuahuas showed up in a tazmanian devil-esque dust cloud and the main one said “say hello to my little friends” to the cougars and then all the dogs barked. i feel like this movie needs to be buried in the bottom of the ocean. why is that line from scarface constantly referenced in everything. also, it seems highly inappropriate to quote a movie about an insane drug addled cuban in a childrens dog movie.

10 minutes later-

ok megavideo said ive reached my limit of megavideo minutes for the day and i cant watch anymore, which makes me think an angel is looking out for me. so im just going to read the wikipedia plot synopsis and tell you what it says.

apparently carlos mencia and WD fall in love and the gardener starts fucking the other girl that lost the dog to begin with.

so what did we learn here today? i learned how to spell chihuahua properly from typing it so much and uh thats about it.

i feel really bad for every parent who has ever had to watch this without the luxury of fastforwarding or being shitty drunk.  dont movie executives know that 6 year old kids arent fucking going to the movies themselves? someone has to sit there and it fucking better not be me. if i have kids and they want to see something like this im either going to go totally hammered or im going to go see something else while my kids go see some awful movie about donkeys on a volleyball team or some shit.  either that, or they can come see my movie and learn about bank heists and what the insides of peoples faces look like.

now we're talking!

now we're talking!

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2 Responses to “Beverly hills chihuahua: an exercise in pain”


  1. 1 ian March 10, 2009 at 5:16 am

    i fast forwarded through most of this. 😐

  2. 2 Ol' gil March 17, 2009 at 4:08 am

    I only watch movies that show what inside of spider monkey’s faces look like.


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