1. praying mantis
alright, in the movie rules of attraction a praying mantis walks across a guy and i nearly cried, but then later on in the movie things go backwards and that same son of bitch walks BACKWARDS across a guy and i almost lost my shit right then and there. that is just one example of how these things have terrified me.
and then in an episode of xfiles mulder tells a story about how when he was little he climbed a tree and one of these things crawled across his hand and he freaked the fuck out and now hes afraid of bugs. he shoots people in the face on a regular basis and he’s afraid of insects. this is why he is my one true love.
first of all, what the fuck? could god have made these things look creepier if he tried? nothing about them is good. they have a weird ass head and i think if they know you’re looking at them, they will cock their head and stare back. i dont know what im basing that on, but i think i saw it once. probably in my nightmares.and they have super creepy hook arms and im pretty sure they sneak into houses at night and stroke peoples cheeks with it.
oh and if you are a sexy lady praying mantis you fucking eat your boyfriend after you have sex with him. wow that doesnt sound horrifying at all. do you know what this is called? its called sexual cannibalism. as far as im concerned those two words shouldnt ever be combined. could you imagine if someone frigging bit your head off while you were doing it? although im sure that is part of some weird fetish offshoot.
alright, heres how i think the ocean works – 10% of things in it are cute, the other 90% look like they belong in silent hill. the octopus is one of the latter. first of all its propelled by pure evil aka jets of water. oh and its got not one but eight creepy as fuck arms with suction cups that can rip your fucking skin off according to a horror movie from the early 90’s that i recently watched.
plus they can squirt ink at you. what an asshole! so they just like skim along all creepily along the rocks in the ocean and then squirt ink all over you and then i assume strangle you with their weird arms. oh and they’re smart. you see that picture below? thats a picture of an octopus unscrewing a bottle. yes. that means they can probably get their arms on a bottle of acid or anthrax and drive to your house, open said bottle and throw it through your fucking window. that is a horrifying reality.
once when my brother was like 10 he was feeding geese at the park and one went insane and chased him while honking and spitting but not before biting him in the dink. my dad had to run in and grab him and we had to leave the park. that is an absolute true story. that was the scariest thing ever and it didnt even happen to me.
if you live in canada you know how goddamn evil geese can be. they are everywhere and ruin flag football games by shitting all over the field in the spring. plus they are really huge and have you ever seen one walk around while its flapping its wings? its like a glimpse into hell.
whenever im driving and i pass an open field or lawn with geese all over it i always slow down because im afraid one will go nuts and fly into my car and if im driving slower i might be able to swerve out of the way or just jump out of my car and sprint away towards safety. you know those spooky sound effects cds you can get for halloween? they should put goose honks and hisses in there alongside the witch cackles and chain rattles. they are just awful.
4.any sort of -pede
its like god knew bugs legs in general are creepy as all hell so he decided to make one that has a surplus of creepy legs. centipedes and millipedes serve no other purpose other then to give people the feeling one is crawling on them as soon as they see one. and its true! have you ever looked at one of these things and not gotten that feeling?
anyways, i think the only other purpose they serve is for boyfriends to put on their girlfriends shoulders for some sick laughs. you dicks. every single boy has done this at least once to a girl and we all think your an asshole for it.
they are so creepy and millipedes can roll up into terrifying balls of feet and i just want no part of them. i accidently touched a centipede once when i was helping my mom garden and i still hold her accountable for my emotional pain. but the flowers turned out really nice, so im sort of conflicted on this one.
why do these exist? honestly. why. they are the worst ever. and i dont know why anyone would ever want one as a pet. i have a cat and i really like petting him and he likes snuggling up to me and sleeping on my legs, but you better believe i wouldnt ever let a hairless cat anywhere near me. you cant really pet them, i assume they have the same texture as testicle skin. and they look like the devil, i dont even know if they can purr or even convey any sort of emotional attachment to their owners.
i think if there was ever a situation where you were trapped in your house by a wooden beam engulfed in flames or if you fell down the stairs and broke your legs, your hairless cat would sit and watch just out of arms length. just watching. watching you die. and you would scream for help but it would just watch you. and when you died, it would eat your eyes. are hairless cats murderous deviants? yes. yes they are.