alright, so pretty much i have been in love with this guy since i was probably 10. i watched this cartoon show religiously and i also read the comic even though i was really confused by all the random offshoot comics and characters ive never heard of before and did you know they have half naked girls in them? shocking. i went through probably 10 action figures of this guy in the span of a year because he’s such a friggin bad motherfucker he had to clearly be the leader of all my action figure adventures and well, theres always a few casualties along the way. hes super popular right now and if i had a time machine i would go back to little rigby and tell her, and i think she would be excited and also sad about what a drunk she’ll become.
anyways, my theory is, wolverine just needs a good woman to love him. i could kiss away the pain and so on. he is “that guy” who girls love because they can fix him and i think it was the blueprint for all my future relationships and would explain why im currently dating a man who hasnt seen ghostbusters. (hes a real fixer upper)
plus, wolverine is a total badass and i feel like if someone accidentally jostled me at a concert he would kick them in the throat and probably say an amazing one liner and then later we would kiss in the rain. oh my god that is my perfect date.
2. Bob from reboot
now granted, his haircut isnt really in style at the moment, but im sure it was in 1998 when this show was made and we really shouldn’t hold that against him. anyways, hes pretty much the king of mainframe as far as my understanding, and if boned him i would totally be the queen. plus i am clearly better looking then dot and her weird lesbian-esque haircut that i knew was a bit off even when i was a young girl.
this guy fights all the time in dangerous games and he always has witty comments or hilarious eyebrow waggles at the camera. a king(?) and funny? what a catch (girlfriend!)
anyways, this show was my life for a short time but it got really weird in the later years and i kinda lost interest when bob died or got shot into space or whatever happened to him. he came back later but his hair was never the same and the spark between us was gone.
now i know what you’re thinking “wow even for a totally inplausible list of sexual partners, this crosses the line” and you would be right. it really does. but as i explained with my wolverine love, all raphael needs is the love of a good woman. he was always my favorite because hes a tortured bad boy and i bet he secretly writes moving poetry or paints beautiful scenes of deers kissing swans. he is much better then that jackass Michelangelo who i have hated from day one- we get it, you like pizza.
they came out with a new ninja turtles movie in an attempt to reboot the franchise, but it looked like garbage. the original movies (well 1 and 2) were really good because they were like serious action movies that just happened to have giant turtles as the main characters. it was the thinking mans movie…about….giant. uh. turtles…hm.
anyways, in the movie he wore a trenchcoat and a fedora and i think he got really hurt in a big fight and had to recoup in a bathtub for awhile. i cant really remember i havent seen the movie for awhile and i only have it on vhs. bottom line is: i would read him garfield comics outloud while he slept it off in a bathtub.
wow, i really must have a weird mental problem i should work out where i am instantly drawn to assholes who would probably either hit me with various sharp metal objects or just yell at me to never go in the west wing. i think i need to make an appointment with a professional who wont judge me for my attraction to anamorphic turtles.
this movie taught me to find the beauty in everyone and also that if you hang around a dickhead for long enough you’ll inherit a castle. it also taught me that all candle sticks are womanizing french men. anyways, the beast is actually really nice and remember when he fed those birds in the backyard? PRECIOUS. oh and he fought some wolves in the woods which was pretty bad ass and i think if we ever went on a hike and i got tired he would let me ride him back to the castle. the only downside i can see is that he would have really smelly silent farts like dogs have, that and he might bite me in the face.
but according to this movie, if you kiss someone while they’re bleeding from a pretty serious stomach wound they will transform into a prince and i guess stop bleeding from the gut. im not sure how well this will play out in real life, but im willing to give it a shot.
5. Hank Scorpio
first of all, if we got married my name would be Rigby Scorpio which is just the greatest thing i have ever read in print. secondly, hes an evil genious and who cant get on board with that? i am willing to overlook the fact that he is a full blown ginger because i think his positive attitude and participation in fun runs can make up for that glaring negative.
even though he’s pure evil he seems like he would be a good dad and i bet he would surprise our kids with a puppy on christmas morning and it would have a red ribbon tied on its neck. the downside of that of course would be my concern in the ginger gene passing on since i myself am 1/3 ginger.
plus, i could totally be his evil genius hoe and i would probably look into getting an eye patch to really look official.
oh and i would totally have a knife in my garter that i could throw at people. fuck that would be awesome.
granted hes not really a cartoon character per se, he still is in the same realm and im sure he was animated somewhere along the line. here’s a fun fact- in probably grade 6, me and two of my friends dressed up as sub zero, reptile and scorpion. we were all girls. fuckin bad ass girls. anyways, i was clearly sub zero and i told this to my boyfriend when we first started dating and he said that he also went as sub zero for halloween. clearly, our minds were blown and i might have even yelled out “soulmates!” while waving my arms. could you imagine how insane it would have been if he had met up in the street when we were both dressed as sub zero? we so would have had a battle royale and i probably would have won. i’ve seen photos, he was scrawny.
anyways, back to my main point, if i was dating sub zero i could get him to make me really cold gin and 7. as well as cool down pizza pops because lets face it, those things are always scalding hot. oh and he could make an ice rink in the middle of summer for us to skate on..uh if i knew how to skate…umm oh! he could make an ice sculpture of me and then make it snow and we would have a romantic snowball fight and then roll around in the snow and laugh long into the night. oh my god, that sounds romantic.