5 of the worst twilight related merchandise

1. twilight body glitter

if this could talk it would say "fuck my life"

if this could talk it would say "fuck my life"

so the premise here is that  you too can shine in the sunlight like your favorite pseudo vampire BFF.  if they could somehow apply this technology to condoms i would probably be on board because glitter could only enhance the appearance of dicks. but i digress.

considering that 80% of twilight fans are 14 year old girls who are already completely disillusioned with their life, chances are they already own body glitter and apply it liberally so people will notice their glittery faces instead of the fact they are completely devoid of any self esteem or personal identity. but do they own official twilight glitter? since this has been on the market for like a month now, chances are yes. yes they do.

they also own this. yeesh

they also own this. yeesh

what pisses me off the most about this though is there’s only like a tiny bit in this thing, and i guarantee its like 10 bucks a pop. it would take like 17 of these things to cover my body, and im not a pudgy 13 year old who hates her stepdad like most insane twilight fans. they are going to be spending alot of their babysitting money on this shit i have a feeling.

also, how pissed off does this guy look on the bottle? its like when they were doing the promotional shot, he somehow knew it would end up on a terrible container of glitter that would be inevitably  stashed away in a hello kitty make up case so he made the worst face ever. its like “hey. hey you, yea you just bought this shit, now get ready to look at my rape face everytime you apply it to your cheeks before the grade 9 dance you’re going to”

2. candy hearts.

now you can eat your feelings..twilight style!

now you can eat your feelings..twilight style!

alright candy hearts are fucking terrible to begin with so adding retarded twilight related phrases like “i heart EC” isnt going to help matters. also one just says lamb which makes no fucking sense at all. i have a feeling it was a misprint and they just said fuck it and threw it in anyways. candy hearts are so chalky and gross so this is like a big fuck you to twilight fans, its like “yea, you love edward but do you love him enough to eat a box of this shit that leaves a gross film on your tongue? you bet your ass you do”

candy hearts in pre production

candy hearts in pre production

i can fully  understand going the candy route since i mean half of twilight fans eat all the goddamn time and write mrs cullen in their 5 star notebooks and the other half of twilight fans are drunks in their 20’s (me) and if i was wasted and saw this at 711 i would probably buy them, so i guess they are reaching 100% of their target audience. oh and the back of the box apparently has “fun facts” about twilight, so you can learn while you eat painted chalk.

basically the only saving grace in this whole thing is the candy that says dazzle, whenever anyone says dazzle or i see it in print i automatically want to do jazz hands, and i love jazz hands. i do think this candy could only be improved by an exclamation mark.  if someone gave me a sparkly candy that said “DAZZLE (!)” i would instantly take my top off. oh and one of the flavours is called “orange obsession” which is troubling in its own right.

"orange obsession"

"orange obsession"

could you imagine just sort of purchasing these accidently? it would be so weird to get these if you had no idea about it, it reminds me of how this past christmas my friends dad accidentally bought candy canes with the jonas brothers and hannah montana on them and he was really confused about the whole ordeal since he wasnt expecting to adorn his christmas tree with smiling pre teen faces.

3. perfume

i assume this smells like trash.

well, this has got to smell like trash.

once when i was in Mexico me and my boyfriend were wandering around a random mall and we saw michael jackson perfume on display. there was only one box of it and we just sort of saw it and then didnt fully understand what we just witnessed until we were outside. it was a surreal david lynch esque type situation. what im getting at here is that is the future of twilight perfume.  being in a mexican mall.

the future home of this perfume and amy winehouse

the future home of this perfume and amy winehouse

first of all, what the fuck is with the apple? is it supposed to be romantic?          i dont get it. why does everything have apples on it? i dont remember there being a pivotal scene where they went apple picking or made a pie or anything,  so what the fuck is the big deal?

ROMANCE!

ROMANCE!

ok aside from that, i automatically assume this smells super trashy and cheap. i guarantee the bare minimum of effort went into this thing because girls will buy anything if someone tells them edward will like it. also, as a quick aside, how shitty would it be right now if your name was edward cullen? you could probably fuck alot of 15 year olds but that really comes with its own set of problems.

4. The DVD itself

that black guy looks exceptionally awkward.

that black guy looks exceptionally awkward.

did you know that when this gets released stores are staying open til like midnight to celebrate? are you listening child predators? this is your chance!  im encouraging one of my friends to go and hit on chicks but apparently he has something called “integrity” what an asshole. remember when the harry potter book came out that dumbledore died in? and that guy drove by people waiting in line for it and was like “hey assholes, dumbeldore dies!” that guy is my hero and i hope somehow he can ruin this event for people as well, maybe by yelling “edward tested positive for hiv!” and yes, according to google answers, vampires can infact get aids.

artist, love, vampire..?

artist, lover, vampire..?

anyways, this movie is fucking so bad its good, basically like all films made in the 8o’s. but thats not why this dvd will be awful.  i can only imagine how amazing retarded the dvd extras will be and im guessing they literally threw whatever they could on this to make it “special edition” and charge like 35 bucks for it. they’ll be like special footage of the crew eating lunch and a blooper reel of all the tomatos falling out of one of the stars sandwichs, because they know people will watch it.

can we just drop acid and watch this instead?

can we just drop acid and watch this instead?

what the fuck is up with that nowadays anyways? no one wants a fucking 3 disc dvd special edition. when i watch dvds i just turn them off after the movie is over. i constantly forget about special features, and i think its from watching vhs movies for most of my life.

5. “Action”(?) figures

they come with teenage angst as an accessory

they come with teenage angst as an accessory

ok first of all, how fucking awkward do these things look? the girl looks downright pissed off. they look embarassed to exist, its like the reverse of the velveteen rabbit and these things dont ever want to become real. but on the plus side, if i owned these  i would totally take the sunglasses off and put them on mouse or a turtle, how adorable would that be?

now imagine the pussy he would get with sunglasses on

now imagine the pussy he would get with sunglasses

i guarantee this guy wakes up in a cold sweat at least 3 times a month knowing that some girl is sticking a doll that looks like him in her vagina. because you know that is happening. they are either doing that or struggling to take his tiny pants off.  and like, i can understand making dolls of people in action movies, but this toy doesnt even come with any sweet accessories like a rocket launcher or a net gun. it only comes with the shame in knowing that you own one of these.

now THIS is an action figure! look at that crotch

now THIS is an action figure! look at that crotch

Advertisements

4 Responses to “5 of the worst twilight related merchandise”


  1. 1 matt March 20, 2009 at 6:13 pm

    This blog’s great!! Thanks :).

  2. 2 My Bobby Bob Bob March 22, 2009 at 8:19 pm

    I may be going on a limb here, but I think the whole apple thing has something do with Adam & Eve and original sin. I mean, Stephanie Meyer is painfully religious.

  3. 3 Aaron March 28, 2009 at 7:47 pm

    2 days before the new harry potter was released i changed all of my internet info to dumbledore dies on page (?)
    back then i knew the page of course.
    i ruined twilight by telling people the wearwolf rapes the stupid girl or something. i cant remember

  4. 4 Grouchy December 6, 2009 at 12:01 pm

    I absolutely adore twilight (and all the cheesy apple/DVD merch crap) but this was just fucking hilarious! I’m assuming the glitter isn’t available in the uk as this is the first I’ve heard if it. Thank god! So yeah…well done on being funny. Although the vagina dolls may lead to nightmares, so thanks for that(!). And don’t mess with freddie mercury, man, the guy is utter legend.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s





%d bloggers like this: