1. the racoons
oh my goddddd i love this show. if you are canadian you definitely watched this on cbc every saturday morning, and if you didnt, well then fuck you. basically, these racoons did assorted radical things like ride bikes and run a newspaper all while being thwarted by that dick cyril sneer.he hated the woods for some reason and always wanted to put up like chemical plants and shit, what a prick, and also i think he was an aardvark? i’ll have to check some sources on that and get back to you. and if he was an aardvark wouldnt he like the woods? where the hell is he planning on getting ants if the trees are all gone? dumbass.
anways, when i was younger i was always confused as to why burt had a crooked nose and the other racoons like ralph and melissa didnt.
i recently watched an episode and i think i figured it out. burt is borderline retarded and they animators tried to illustrate that by giving him a facial deformity. does this mean that anyone with a crooked nose is retarded? yes, yes it does. but despite the main character being a violent retard, i love this show and its life lessons about uhh not burning down the woods and so on.
2. the littlest hobo
if you are canadian, which you damn well should be, you can probably hum the theme song to this and possibly know all the words. hearing this song almost brings a tear to my eye because this song brings me the same feeling of hope that imagine by john lennon brings most normal people. so am i comparing a tv theme song to a world famous musician? yes i am.
a friend of mine who is a big advocate of this show actually had the theme on a cd and actually engaged in an act of road rage while said theme was playing loudly from his car speakers. i think it goes without saying that the bitch learned to never cross him.
anyways, the premise of this show is (if you arent familiar) this german shepard is, well hes the littlest hobo, and he goes from town to town solving problems and helping people along the way. once he helped a mime… it was a weird episode. but he fully encapsulates the canadian way of being helpful to your neighbors and strangers alike, and just being all around rad. i like to think that all canadians have a little of this dog inside of each and every one of them. pulitizer prize? yes please.
3. anyone from the cast of Degrassi junior high and Degrassi high
goddamnit i love degrassi, but not that new degrassi. old degrassi is the best because if you watch it now, the clothes and accessories are just the greatest thing ever, as well as they deal with issues that are total non issues for todays kids. gone are the days when you could dedicate an entire episode to a girl buying a training bra, now the episodes are about like stripping on the internet or something.
anyways, i loved wheels and snake and obviously joey jeremiah…i guess the entire zit remedy band. remember when spike got knocked up? oh man that was intense and even when i was younger i was confused as to why anyone would sleep with her and that crazy hair. oh and my brother had a crush on her hahaha loser.
anyways this show is amazing and helped me become attracted to men in fedoras later on in my life. thank you degrassi!
4. the snow shovel
thank christ someone invented this thing, or i would probably be barricaded inside of my home 3 months out of the year. now i love my snow shovel but i sometimes get jealous when i see people with snow blowers. fuck those guys, shoveling snow is a canadian rite of passage and my parents made me and my brother do it when we were like 10 years old. i am still under the impression they only had us to use for cheap labour. what a bunch of assholes!
clearly the best part of shoveling the driveway is throwing all the snow ontop of unsuspecting standerbys and also ontop of dogs heads. the crushing blow to the snow shovelers is of course when it starts snowing directly after you have completed. fuck you nature.
a runner up for this section would also be the mini brush-scraper combo that every canadian has in their car. and if they dont then they better have a cd case or may god have mercy on their soul.
sometimes when im feeling really nice i’ll brush off the car next to mine in the parking lot in the hopes that someone will do it for me. but that never happens. dicks. you can buy really nice scrapers with padded handles or you can get like 4 for a dollar at walmart and their made out of unfinished wood. i clearly have the latter because im broke as shit. (someone pay me to blog please)
5. please and thank you
now i might swear like a goddamn sailor whose going through a terrible divorce, but you bet your ass i say please and thank you all goddamn day to everyone. the last time i was in mexico i asked a local how he can tell the difference between canadians and americans, and he said canadians say please and thank you. now i dont want to discredit other countries, just the states. you guys are fucking assholes and the rest of the world hates you. there i said it.
i always say please and thank you to cashiers and whatnot even when they enrage me i still say thank you even if i spent the last 5 minutes berating them. you know when someone holds a door open for you and you say thank you but then theres a second door and they hold it open for you and you arent sure if you say thank you again? well you bet your ass i say thank you again. i dont care if it sounds kind of awkward i do it, because i am a canadian you sons of bitches!
6. my brother
my brother is the epitome of a canadian. he curls, he drinks beer, he wears plaid, and it goes on like this. he recently skipped out on going to see a movie about canada to watch a hockey game because the canadiens were playing. that is the most canadian thing i have ever heard of. hes already gone camping once this year, and its still snowing probably twice a week. i honestly feel ashamed of my canadian-ness because he outshines us all. he will watch anything on tv if its canadian, even if its terrible. he watches corner gas. corner gas. and that show is so awful.
he frequently uses the term “thats beauty!” and wears a plaid jacket all fucking year, and if he isnt wearing a plaid jacket hes wearing a sleeveless cowboy shirt. yes that is right. goddamn it i love that man. favorite band? you bet your ass its the tragically hip. my brother is the ultimate canadian and i think that he should be the canadian embassador for the U.N. it would end with a barbeque and a private screening of slapshot. thats a world that we can all enjoy.