1. chain e-mails
back in the days of dial up internet, i did not want to waste the precious few moments i had online before some retard picked up the phone looking at chain emails. these are straight up the worst thing ever. and its always like “SCROLL DOWN FOR 10 FUCKING MINUTES AND MAKE A WISH!!!111”
and its always like ooooh at midnight you will find out your true love but if you dont send it to 25 people your going to choke to death on a fishbone at your grammas birthday party. thanks alot. who sends these goddamn things? ill tell you who, the same people that forward those dumbass warning emails against how cell phones can make you infertile or emails about how hotmail is going to start charging money unless X amount of people send it forward. just fucking stop ok? people do not like these, and if you have some people in your group of friends that do like these things just circulate them amongst yourselves until you are all wiped off the planet by a monster that eats you at midnight on march 14th or whatever the fuck the stipulation is.
2.when people take up 2 parking spots
we fucking get it assholes, you have a nice car. you know parking like a jackass will probably make people more likely to go out of their way to swerve wildly at your car or key it as they walk briskly by. oooh you have a hummer? let me drop to my knees and beg for your approval since you have the greatest penis extension in all the land.(how erotic was that last sentence?) fuck you. the only person that could get away with parking across 2 spots is james bond and even he wouldnt do that because he is a representative of the queen and also a gentleman. the queen would slap him in the face if word came back to her that he was parking like a dickhead. oh and i guess if your wife is having a baby or something thats ok too, or if you really need mallomars.
second only to this is when people park stupidly close to your car. it makes me want to spit venom. why are you doing that? just park like 2 inches in the other direction and we wont have a problem.but you know what, im glad you knew instinctively that i like to crawl into the driver seat from my hatchback, it makes it like a fun cave adventure.
goddamnit! and whenever it happens to me i always look around at the rest of the parking lot and theres like zero cars around other than mine, what- is my car sending off some sort of slutty car vibe? do i need to have a talk with it? you dicks.
3.people that have 800 friends on facebook
are you kidding me with this? i have more respect for people that have under 100 people on their facebooks then you jerkoffs, at least i know they’re being honest. the kind of people that have this many friends are the people that meet someone once and then add them within 24 hours, i think we have all gotten those friend requests and its friggin creepy. its like “oh so, we talked for 15 minutes at jakes party but hey, friend request!”
if i get a friend request from someone who has more then 500 friends i dont accept because i know im just filler. these people are like the internet version of jehovah witnesses but instead of knocking on doors get people to join a religion, they just go around poking peoples profiles in a vain attempt to get the most numbers and appear super popular by internet standards. fuck you guys! and these people always have the most insane status updates around the clock. i dont need to know that you are getting ready for bed, going to bed, waking up from bed, going back to bed, getting a glass of water, crying because you’re so lonely, going back to bed. just stop.
some status updates are funny, yes, my personal favorite is when a person goes from “in a relationship” to “single” and back and forth like that in a short span of time. call me an asshole but its pretty hilarious to me that peoples first thought after suffering a crushing breakup is to run to their computers to change their facebook status. you never know, maybe that guy you sat next to in science in grade 10 might ask you on a date now the he sees that little broken heart icon show up in his mini-feed.
4. Mountain dew
have you ever seen someone over the age of 15 drink this? if so, you need to dispatch them immediately with fire, and lots of it. if you drink this you need to be a hyperactive kid on a skateboard or… well i think thats about it. there is nothing appealing about this drink, its colour is simply repulsive and reminds of the ooze that transformed the ninja turtles. it doesnt taste right at all, i mean at least sprite has a citrusy taste to it and coke just straight up tastes like sugar, but mountain dew tastes like nothing i can compare it to. its like a separate flavour entity that doesnt follow the rules of taste.
and mountain dew must know how shitty they are, its seems like every 6 months they have a new “dew” flavour they’re promoting and you get to choose which one you think is the least shitty choice. yes you america, you have a choice of what toxic waste you want your children to consume. its the american dream really.
if you are an adult and you choose to be seen drinking this in public, you are shouting to the world “i am prepared to go straight to wal mart to beat my kids in the automotive aisle and then shout homosexual slurs at characters on greys anatomy before eating 4 hot pockets in a row, get ready world!”