1. X-men 3
Holy shit I almost had a fucking heart attack in the theater when I went to see this. It was a really bad situation because I went with my boyfriend and some of his friends that I hadn’t met before and I had to suppress the urge to constantly tap them on the shoulder and announce “That never happened in the comics” or “What the fuck is going on why is Cyclops dead??” which is what I would do to my close friends.
I remember at one point that was especially terrible, Matt looked over to me with pleading eyes. And those eyes said “please for the love of god do not go on a rant in the middle of the theater” needless to say, it was a rant filled car drive home. I can’t even remember what really happens in this movie because I was so filled with rage and wanted to reign blows down upon the first person I saw responsible for this mess. Oh and Frasier was Beast. Fuck my life.
So don’t ever see this if you liked the first 2 movies. It will rip your heart out of your chest. the only thing I can liken it to is if you went to church your entire life and believed a certain thing for years and then all of a sudden its revealed that the God you knew and loved is really into meth and The Vengaboys. It will shake you to your very core.
This movie is so fucking terrible it manages to fuck up not one but several storylines. Hey did you ever want Professor X to die? no? well too fucking bad, hes going to. And I have never ever liked Cyclops because of his amazing douche factor but he died too and I was appalled. I’m surprised I wasn’t in tears at the end of this debacle.That being said, I am taking appropriate measures for the new Wolverine movie, and those measures are getting wasted and eating reeses pieces.
2. All The Land Before Times after the first one.
I used to love the first land before time when I was little. I say “used to” because I recently found my vhs copy and tried to watch it and had to stop after 15 minutes because I couldn’t see through my tears. Holy shit that movie is sad, and also gruesome. That sharptooth murders littlefoots mom in a pretty efficient and terrifying manner.
Anyways, I guess cheeky dinosaurs are a huge hit with children because it spawned I think something like 13 sequels. 13!!. That is more then the average litter of puppies. This movie franchise is the octomom of film – completely unnecessary and a freakshow crime against god and nature.
I haven’t seen any of the sequels but I can only imagine how well written they are. I’m going to guess that asshole ducky got more screen time and the ratio of zany adventures to well written life lessons is 4:1
When the first sequel came out I was like “Ya ok, thats a given” but then like 4 years later when I saw the 10th one of the shelf I almost had to call the suicide hotline. If you are going to make that many goddamn sequels why not just make a tv show? if I see this shit on blu ray i am just going to snap and lose it completely.
3. Spiderman 3
Holy god. I do not even know where to begin with this one, well actually heres a good place- the musical numbers. Did that actually happen? did Spiderman fucking sing and dance? did I black out and have a night terror? when this happened in the movie I instantly looked around at the faces of everyone else in the theater to make sure they were seeing the same thing as I was, and that I wasn’t just having a psychotic episode. That is how shocking and unexpected it was. Spiderman 3 was like your girlfriend telling you she was pregnant, then taking it back, then saying she was pregnant again, then telling you it was twins, then saying she was joking. It was like a constant shot to the gut of fear and shock.
And oh lord the villians. Really, Sandman? who the fuck is Sandman? I have never once heard of him through all my years of watching Spiderman cartoons so I literally said “huh?” in the theater when he was revealed. You know who was a sweet villian? Kraven. remember him? he was a bounty hunter who always wanted to kill spidey and he had a russian accent. It’s a no brainer people!!
Or hey, how about having Venom on the screen for more then 10 fucking minutes. IT IS WHAT WE ALL CAME TO SEE.
4. the last 3 Star Wars movies..well technically the first three. Wait, what? …Did I smoke weed?
Oh my god you have enough money George Lucas. just stop. You have enough money to clothe yourself in plaid shirts for the rest of your life, why did you have to do this? I friggin love Star Wars but I refused to go see these abortions in the theater and I have only been exposed to them through the wonder of Spike TV playing them around the clock. I might get alot of flack from this, but I honestly think these are a fucking burden on our society.
ok and I actually like Jar Jar binks. Ya, I said it. he is the only character that isnt super pretentious in this pile of shit. I liked his bumbling antics. Sure he was awful, a borderline racist caricature, but he had HEART. Somehow I felt like that digital mistake knew that he was in the shittiest thing put to film, and he just rolled with it. Jar Jar has zero fucks to give and I love him for it.
But even that cant brighten my day when Anakin and his rattail (WHAT WAS WITH THAT HAIR??) burst on the scene. You would think even in space, that haircut wouldn’t be acceptable. And by my understanding when Anakin is like 8, Princess Amidala is like 17 but they get married later and apparently she never aged? what the fuck is that about? did they explain that at one point and I just wasn’t paying attention? I have read letters to Santa written by 9 year olds that make more sense then this plotpoint. Is she a sexual predator? how is this acceptable.
And then at the end of the last one, she just dies of a broken heart? what the fuck is that about. There are so many ways women can die during birth. Why did the robot nurse jump to the conclusion that it was a broken heart. Really? why didnt they just say she died of blood loss or a heart attack or something, or her internal organs being squashed accidentally by a bumbling robot nurse? or Jar Jar could have come in and slipped on the afterbirth and flung a bunch of scalpels around that slashed her throat. LITERALLY ANY OF THOSE SUGGESTIONS WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER. And don’t even get me started on that seemingly never-ending scene of Anakin having various body parts burned off of him by molten lava.
Are you kidding me? its like George Lucas really really had to shit during the writers meeting for this finale so he just agreed to whatever was being pitched so he could go take care of business.