Stop putting these in videogames.

1. Rescue missions/Escort missions

this would literally be the worst videogame ever.

This would be the worst videogame ever.

No one likes these. At all. Nobody wants to spend an entire level of a game protecting some jackass character that can’t defend themselves at all and constantly whines about how they’re getting hurt, and if you let these dickheads die then you are in for it mister! Get ready to do this shit all over again. The only people who could possibly like these levels are professional bodyguards because its not as big of a deal if they fail in the game as opposed to uhhh witnessing a murder in real life.

it was either this or a photo of the jfk assasination.

It was either this or a photo of the jfk assassination.

These always pop up in Grand Theft Auto games and there is absolutely no need for them. It’s like “Hey, great job on programming the game guys…but I was thinking, can you put in a level or two that isn’t fun at all and ends with people throwing their controllers at the wall? maybe..I’ve got it! a rescue mission!” Fuck off with this.

I remember when I was younger a game called Yoshi’s Island came out, and it was fucking awesome. You got to be Yoshi! but you had that little shit baby Mario on your back and if you got hit, lord help you because he would get snatched up by some bat thing and if you didn’t get him in time you would die. And they always play terrifying rushing music as soon as this happens in games so you are having a mini stroke as you struggle to get your cargo back. Fuck. In Resident Evil 4 you have to save the presidents daughter and keep her safe from assorted ghouls, and let me tell you, it’s a real pain in the ass. Luckily you can tell her to hide in barrels and shit so shes at least off your case for a minute or two. She’s lucky she’s hot.

"i had better get a BJ for least. goddamn"

"I had better get a BJ for least. goddamn"

The concept of rescue missions is terrible because its basically forcing you to play with an inept player only you don’t have the option of screaming at them until they leave the room in tears. IT’S BULLJIVE!

2. Water levels

pixelated sharks are the most dangerous of all sharks. fact.

pixelated sharks are the most dangerous of all sharks. fact.

For the love of all that is holy nothing strikes terror into my body quicker then water levels. nobody likes these, there’s always the constant fear of running out of air and I can never seem to figure out the controls to dive deeper or come up to the surface so I just flail around until I drown. Lara Croft has had several watery deaths at my hands.

Sonic the Hedgehog is the absolute worst for this, that music that plays is so so terrifying:

If I ever decided to pursue a career in murder, I would play this song before I descended upon my victims because I know it would really hammer the point home to them that there is no way they’re getting out of this. When I was little and played this game my hands would instantly start sweating at the mere sight of water. Donkey Kong country had water levels as well, but you couldn’t drown in them and the day I discovered that, I knew there was truly a God in heaven.

3. Un-avoidable cutscenes

i love watching digital girls sing in japanese for 20 minutes. thanks cutscenes!

I love watching digital girls sing in Japanese for 20 minutes. thanks cutscenes!

Now I love cutscenes as much as the next person, but I hate them when you cant skip them at all. And there’s always a cutscene before a big fight so chances are, unless you’re a total badass, you’re going to have to play it again and watch that goddamn movie twice.  As soon as I start playing a new game I start jabbing at the buttons during cutscenes to see if i can skip them, and if I can’t I am tempted to just stop playing. You know whats awesome though? when you’re watching a cutscene and they swear or tits show up for no reason, then you really feel like a big shot.

oh..hey..nice..uhh headband.

oh..hey..nice..uhh headband.

It’s really unfortunate though in cutscenes when there isn’t any subtitles and you cant understand whats going on and then it turns out you needed to be paying attention and if you don’t then you end up 20 minutes later unable to open a chest or climb a rope.

Second only to this is when you play a game to the bitter end and you get rewarded with a 10 second movie ending. That enrages me to no end. Old  Nintendo games were the worst for this. It would just be like “thank you for completing the game!!” or if you only beat the game on easy it would tell you to play it on hard, it’s like “yea…easy..that’s..good, not great, good though…I guess…play it on hard you pussy”

this is really the only exception. i would love a burger!

this is really the only exception.

4. Nearly impossible combos

the only combo i like! haha get it? im really sorry for this joke.

the only combo I like! haha get it? I'm really sorry for this joke.

I am terrible at all fighting games because of this, iIam what they call in the biz- a button masher. I have no concept of remembering combos or what they do, I am almost entirely unaware of anything my character is capable of doing so I just slam buttons and my character jitterbugs across the screen in a seizure esque breakdance occasionally landing kicks to my opponents face.

how the hell did that just happen.

how the hell did that just happen? Also, look at the size of that fish

Even as a button masher, I do have a natural enemy-the cornerer. Fuck you guys. You know the type, they just back you into the corner and rape you with uppercuts until you feel more violated then after viewing Glitter. You are the worst type of player ever, even worse then the people who just memorize one move and do it over and over again.

Some of these combos are totally out of control, It’s like up-down-down-up-B-A-A-A-start-up-down-consult the Necronomicon-down-down-left-right

the spinning kick attack is on page 34

The spinning kick attack is on page 34

When I was younger it was my dream to properly execute a fatality in Mortal Kombat. That dream never came true and I learned a harsh life lesson in failure that day. I was so envious of people that could do fatalities, who do they think they are? Assholes. And whenever I would randomly execute a manevoer properly I was always staring at the buttons so I never got to witness my achivement. If I ever go to hell thats what it will be like for me, just constantly fucking up combos in Mortal Kombat.


4 Responses to “Stop putting these in videogames.”

  1. 1 Bryant March 26, 2009 at 8:27 am

    What about instant death cut scenes where you actually have to pay attention or die and do the whole bitch over again? That really gets on my tits

  2. 2 Butcher March 26, 2009 at 6:46 pm

    just for you, so you can finally reach your dream, before hell:
    Mortal Kombat 1: Scorpian + Hold Block and press up, up, up, close to enemy = Fatality.
    its the first one i ever pulled off and it was probably the worst since that nintendo felt the need to take away the blood and gore. DAMN YOU GENESIS AND YOUR BLOOD CODE.

  3. 3 Chelsey April 1, 2009 at 6:42 pm

    this has been one of the most enlightening experiences ever.. moreso than me getting cancer..

    i fucking LOVE YOU!

  4. 4 Freakazoid July 21, 2009 at 11:03 am

    Dont worry i was never able to do a fatality either, sad face.

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