So I went to go see this movie, mainly because I was fucked up on cold medicine and I have a raging girl boner for the dude in it, who is coincidentally Gary Sinise’s sorta kid on CSI new york. Could I be attracted to him due to this fake relation to pretend Gary? I’ll have to look into it.
Anyways, I do love horror movies and this was a horror movie so I put two and two together and then paid out the ass to see it. Fuck you movie ticket prices. Also, I noticed a high number of jackass kids in the lobby, I don’t know if this is because I’m becoming a crotchety old woman or that kids are in fact becoming stupider. I’ll also have to look into that. But, I’ll try to review the movie as best as I can, I did, however, drink almost an entire bottle of cough syrup before going to it so I might not be the best source of information.
So basically the plot here is that a kid has cancer so his parents rent a house from a weird-o so they don’t have to drive back and forth to the hospital. (lazy) yatta yatta yatta, turns out the house used to be a mortuary. SURPRISE! pretty sure you have to divulge that sort of information in the lease agreement, but this was the 80’s it was a crazier time then. So yea, obviously assorted ghoulish things start happening. Here is a list of the pros and cons I found in this film. enjoy(?)
- has a handsome man(?) in it
- I hope hes not like 17 or im going to jail
- Casey Jones from the original ninja turtles movie was in it!!!
- I used to have a huge crush on him
- turns out that guy was born in 86, I’m good to go
- thank god I’m not going to jail
- almost peed myself at certain points-not sure if this is a pro or con
- the dad was a drunk/comic relief
- maybe just I thought it was comic relief.
- the house they lived in was literally made of corpses
- that doesn’t seem safe
- I was pretty messed up on medicine near the end, so it got kinda hazy
- I don’t get why they didnt just move?
- what kind of psycho rents out a haunted mortuary
- that asshole
- I coughed through a lot of key plot points
- I’ve seen the girl in it from something before, but I couldn’t remember where and I bothered me the whole movie.
- lamest title ever.
so all in all, it was an alright movie I guess. maybe rent it. well ya, rent it. I don’t understand in movies like this how something really fucked up can happen and then afterwords they’re just like “well, off to bed!” and comfortably sleep. as soon as I saw any sort of otherworldly shenanigans I would be sooooo out of there, but assholes in horror movies always just shrug it off until the very end when the really fucked up shit happens. I remember I watched some horror movie where the kids found a weird sacrificial altar under the floorboards and showed their parents and they were just like “you assholes tore up the floorboards!”
and in this movie, without giving too much away, the dying kid chooses to sleep in the basement even after they find out that’s where they prepared the bodies. What the fuck. seriously? even if someone doesn’t believe in ghosts, there is no way they would want to continue to sleep there. Maybe he is soothed by the sight of rusted out surgical instruments before he goes off to sleep. As I said before, I really want to sleep with this guy, but I don’t know if I could commit to it if there was a blood stained gurney in my peripheral vision.
Basically the scariest part of this entire evening is when I got home my front door was wide open because my brother forgot to close it like an idiot. I have never wished I had a handgun more then in that instant, or possibly a handsome FBI agent on speed dial, but I was on my own. So I went in and there was this insane black cat running around my living room and I had to spend 20 minutes trying to get his dumbass out. And this thing was so out of its mind I thought it was feral.
I have no idea whose cat it is but it has an amazing vertical leap, which was demonstrated as it tried to climb up my curtains while hissing at me. So after corralling this thing out of my house I locked eyes with my own cat and I swear if he could talk he would have said “why is everything such a debacle with you?” I don’t know Mr.Tootie, I don’t know. And yes that is my cats name. Judge me if you must.