self checkouts: a crime against god

"im in your grocery store, fucking up your day"

"im in your grocery store, fucking up your day"

so theres this thing they have now at various chains like home depot and grocery stores, and its a self check out. the premise here is that you ring your own groceries through while cashiers watch you and chew gum. what the fuck is that about? fuck you self checkouts, i do not want you. let me enlighten you with why this is such a pain in my fucking ass.

this is how it should be!! minus stupid flanders.

this is how it should be!! minus stupid flanders.

it all started when my friend Jenna and i decided to rent the wicker man (dont ask) and we decided to get some snack’ems at the grocery store. so  anyways,  Jenna has the bright idea to use the friggin self checkout and im not sure if i can ever forgive her.

so i fucked it up almost instantly. and as an extra annoyance, they pay a  cashier to stand and watch you, and help you out if you’re a dumbass like me, so she had to come over and explain to me why i fucked it up. or! she could have just done her fucking job as a cashier and scan it all for me while i read archie comics at the till. “oh archie, when will you choose between betty and veronica?” i would say. and have a good laugh. but alas, that scenario was not meant to be.

hahaha oh..wait..this isnt funny. i want my $2 back.

dont worry if you cant read the word bubbles, its not fucking funny.

anyways, i got some apples and whatnot, so i was all “hey goober, how do i scan apples?” and shes all “oh you have to look up the code on the sticker and pick the kind of apples you have out of a list and type the number in” and at this point i gave her a blank look and jenna stepped back from the till declaring “i wash my hands of this”

man, what a fucking debacle, and i mean i cant be the only one who totally screwed this up beyond belief can i? the cashier just decided to scan in the rest of the groceries for us and i think she might have muttered “assholes” under her breath, but im not 100% on that.

pictured: me.

pictured: me.

i dont get the concept of this, how is this better? i mean i guess if you need to get one single item. but if its medicine, you can just get it at the pharmacy checkout, and if its a chocolate bar or something, you need fucking help asshole they have those at gas stations. i just cant wrap my head around this, it totally freaks me out and fills me with such unbridled rage because its like “oh hey use this huge machine with a creepy automated womans voice to scan your groceries because its futuristic” well you know what technology? i like talking to people face to face. mainly because i like to think i make their day a little brighter with my inane banter and amazing good looks.

if this is the future, im going to go stick my head in an oven.

if this is the future, im going to go stick my head in an oven.

i do not like things like this, just like in washroom now you have to frantically wave your hand under the tap to get it to turn on, and im all “hey asshole, i know how to turn a  GD knob” and then after that you have to wave your hand underneath the papertowel thing to get it to work. i dont think pageant queens do that much waving in the span of 10 minutes. and you know what? if i saw someone i knew after this huge waving debacle in the bathroom, i would just give them the nod because my wrists have fucking carpal tunnel now from waving so much.

OMG ITS UNCLE PHIL I WISH MY WRISTS WERENT SO TIRED SO I COULD WAVE. GODDAMN.

OMG ITS UNCLE PHIL I WISH MY WRISTS WERENT SO TIRED SO I COULD WAVE. GODDAMN.

the only way i would ever use one of these checkouts again is if it had a russian mans voice instead or possibly micheal caine or the guy who did the voice for kitt from knight rider. man that would be so sweet.

"hello michael, paper or plastic?"

"hello michael, paper or plastic?"

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5 Responses to “self checkouts: a crime against god”


  1. 1 Greg April 2, 2009 at 2:24 pm

    Do you not like self check outs because you find them difficult?
    it’s ok…
    sometimes the world can be a scary place.
    I for one love the self check out, why force awkward conversation with an underpaid, often miserable, frequently impolite cashier? why feel awkward having to have another individual ring your “special itch cream” through for you when you can just do it yourself, no embarrassment, no shame, no problems.

    (I don’t buy special itch cream fyi…. i just take it)

  2. 2 Ashli April 2, 2009 at 4:17 pm

    Uh-oh, looks like someone is still upset about the Lady Gaga post…
    Get the sand out of your vagina Greg.

  3. 3 Greg April 3, 2009 at 4:00 am

    Lady Gaga is A SAINT!

    and the sand in vagina may be the reason behind the itch cream…jeeeeez

  4. 4 Jenna Farts April 4, 2009 at 8:40 am

    I made the idiotic mistake of going back to the self checkout. I figured I was only buying chocolate milk, so it should be an easy scan, right? WRONG! The girl had to come over and help me, and this is when I proceeded to rant about how this was stupid; and the irony of her watching me ring in my own groceries. Also, I’ve been a cashier before and it’s not this fucking hard!

    I don’t know why I subject myself to such madness.

  5. 5 Sarah November 30, 2009 at 2:41 pm

    Man! I so agree with this! I worked at a grocery store for a goddamn year and nothing is harder than those condescending freaking self-checkouts! I haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate them! I refuse to use them, no matter how annoyed the people I shop with get.

    P.S. FUCK YES, ARCHIE!


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