Who is the best old tymey monster?

"man, theres only one chick here..what a sausage fest"

"man, there's only one chick here..what a sausage fest"

OK of the classic brat pack of movie monsters, we got the wolfman, Dracula, the swamp thing, the mummy and Frankensteins monster. Notice how I didn’t say Frankenstein. its because I READ BOOKS. Anyways, which of these respective ghouls are the best in their class? here is an objective look. Objective in that I already have my favorite, but it’s free and on the internet so I know you assholes will read it. Enjoy!

The Swamp-thing

you are essentially a pile of weeds. you were a mistake.

are you smelling a flower? pussy.

well right off the bat, how much does this guys feet smell? I bet he constantly has trench foot. If I knew of a swamp thing living in my area I would go and leave polysporin and footpowder routinely by the edge of the swamp. I think he would appreciate the effort and repay me by not dragging me to a watery grave.

do these come in gallons? i need gallons.

do these come in gallons? I need gallons.

The swamp thing is pretty much on par in scariness as a crocodile, or an alligator…whichever one it is that doesn’t really come out of the water, I can’t remember and I’m too lazy to look it up.

I think he kinda fails in the terrorizing department based on the fact he can’t really leave the swamp, but god help you if you lose a frisbee or something in the general area of the swamp because your ass is grass and The swamp thing is a smelly lawnmower. I think he might be able to leave for a little while though, I always see pictures of him carrying passed out women back to his hideout.. and by hideout I mean..swamp.

the look on his face is like "yea. i see her boobs too"

the look on his face is like "yea. I see her boobs too"

I’m guessing that getting out of the swamp is a real ordeal for him, it’s like when we have to get out of a hottub in the winter. It takes a few tries to really get our mind set on it. This makes him a huge pussy whose desire to stay in a comfortable swamp often outweighs his urge to rape beautiful women.

Final Grade: C –

The Mummy

pictured: a huge asshole.

pictured: a huge asshole.

Goddamn it this guy sucks. He’s always shuffling around moaning, he’s like the bitter old Jewish man of the monster group. I bet the other monsters hate hanging out with him, I know I would. It seems like he would always complain whenever they went on outings

“grrrrr it too hot…arrgghhhhh turn down the stereo…ahhhhh children on my lawn….” then he would shuffle over and wave his hands at them and the kids would roll their eyes at “old man mummy”

"the soccerball went on my lawn, its mine now you little shits"

"the soccerball went on my lawn, it's mine now you little shits"

I really don’t know how hes even in this group, I mean I guess being approached by a decomposing man wrapped in soiled bandages would be shocking, but once you got over that it would be pretty OK I think. It’s like when you see someone with a fake leg, but then by like the third time you hang out with them you totally forget about it. Unless its Paul McCartneys ex wife, she is a mega cunt.

Final Grade: D

The Wolfman

"can someone cut the poop out of my fur?"

"can someone cut the poop out of my fur?"

Clearly the best! If you disagree then you can go fuck yourself. The wolfman is amazing because he can also hang out with the common people, as well as the monsters of the night. If the wolfman gets hot in august, he can go to the pool. But later that night he can rip off his shirt and howl at the moon. Kick. Ass.

is this torn shirt a sign of a werewolf or a slut? you be the judge.

is this torn shirt a sign of a werewolf or a slut? you be the judge.

It is a downside that he can only be a monster for like a few nights of the month, it’s like his monster period. So I think he wouldn’t ever really feel like part of the monster crowd. He’s like a substitute teacher that comes in for a few days and doesn’t get the inside jokes amongst the other staff.

the wolfman is the peggy hill of monsters. FACT.

the wolfman is the peggy hill of monsters. FACT.

But that’s OK because I still love him and I would even date a wolfman. That is how committed to this I am. If you are a wolfman, email me and I will dump my current boyfriend to date you. That offer also works if you are on my freebie five and you’re reading this. (please god)

Final Grade: A+

Dracula

"be honest, does this cape make me look fat?"

"be honest, does this cape make me look fat?"

Meh. He’s alright I guess. Kinda fruity though. Is it just me or does it seem like all vampires have an underlying homosexual vibe to them? they’re always swishing around in capes holding lanterns and wearing old Victorian clothes. Maybe its just me.

haha holy shit i cant believe this exists. my gaydar is through the roof.

haha holy shit I can't believe this drawing exists. my gaydar is through the roof.

I think that’s why I can’t fully get onboard the Dracula train. Not that I have anything against gay people, but I mean, just come out already Dracula. He’s always surrounding himself with whore vampire bitches but it’s really not fooling anyone. Plus I’ve always been really confused as to why Dracula and vampires need to sleep in coffins. Why cant they just get a pillowtop mattress and close the blinds? that’s what I would do. Who the fuck wants to sleep in a coffin?

i dont know about you guys, but suddenly im ready for a nap

I don't know about you guys, but suddenly I'm ready for a nap

Anyways, vampires on a whole are pretty kick ass, but Dracula is just way too sexually repressed for me to deal with. He has alot of issues and I think he should call his dad to talk about them.

Final Grade: B

Frankensteins monster

"wait, what? haha im so high right now. seriously,what?"

"wait, what? haha I'm so high right now. seriously,what?"

First of all, yes it’s Frankensteins monster. not Frankenstein. Frankenstein was the name of the doctor that created him. I have gotten into way more arguments over this then anyone should in an entire lifetime.

He’s total and complete garbage. He’s almost as bad as the mummy. The only people who are afraid of this thing are probably also secretly afraid of retarded people. They have the same feeling that at any moment they could snap and lose it on you and break your neck and that’s a pretty scary feeling.

possible frankensteins monster

possible Frankensteins monster

Basically your garden variety retarded kid has the same scariness as this world famous monster. Not really winning me over.

Final Grade: F

So in conclusion the wolfman is the best. Dracula could also be really good if he would just come to terms with his sexuality. There is really no hope for Frankensteins monster or the mummy and I suspect only people in the 1930’s thought these assholes were scary. And if you spend alot of time in swamps then you are probably both a sicko and afraid of the swamp thing. You sicko.

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1 Response to “Who is the best old tymey monster?”


  1. 1 Jenna Farts April 4, 2009 at 8:46 am

    My opinion: Dracula should get the A+ and give Wolfman an A-… maybe even an A.

    I also commend you on your ability to differentiate between Frankenstein and Frankenstein’s Monster.


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