now right off the bat, you will notice i refused to call this movie “fast and furious” this is because i don’t believe that taking THE off the title constitutes a new name. the fast and the furious 4, now that’s a title. anyways a friend of mine who shall remain nameless (Darcy) sent me a text earlier today telling me that i was going to see fast and the furious 4 with him today. i had some left over booze in the fridge so why the fuck not.
now since the first one came out like 8 years ago, i have no recollection of the events that took place, but thank god the writers of this new movie took me into account by making a plot that had nothing to do with anything. also, this review is going to be littered with spoilers mainly because A.) i would like to hope that the person/people that read this blog dont give a shit and B.) i know i dont give a shit. so SPOILER ALERT they do assorted drug runs in cars.
half of this movie was filled with cholos talking about cars while randomly littering spanish phrases throughout. hurrah.so i’ll try and sift through that to the “goods”
so to begin, Vin Diesel and his wife or something are robbing gas trucks, which is possibly social commentary or maybe an homage to mad max. i sort of wish i was watching mad max instead. ok and then Vick is all “oh baby im going to leave you cuz im so bad” and then does, yatta yatta, that bitch gets killed. just like she did in lost. you suck ana lucia.
so Paul walker works at the FBI for some reason and i got really excited until i remembered that Mulder and Scully don’t work there anymore…and that they are fictional characters in a completely different franchise. so Agent Walker and Vince Propane team up to kill some heroin dealer who killed Vance’s gf. and yes i just put gf…and vance. here are some highlights from this gem of a film:
- When asked what kind of woman V.D likes, he responses “one that’s 20% angel and 80% devil”
ONE THAT IS 20% ANGEL AND 80% DEVIL
let that sink in. if i was Mr. Diesel i would punch whoever wrote that right in the goddamn chops. that is just terrible and instantly makes me think of glittery tank tops worn by 15 year old skanks in training. good gravy.
- apparently to go across the border from mexico you can take a complicated series of interconnected tunnels
FACT. basically this heroin dealer makes people drive through this insane tunnel that he constructed underneath a mountain and then promptly shoots them in the face directly after they drive out of said tunnel. that seems pretty fucking involved if you ask me. how was this tunnel built/wasn’t anyone noticing that it was being built? what kind of drug lord is this asshole? goddamn.why would you put all of that time and energy into building a tunnel when you could have just bribed a border agent. jesus.
- i thought dennis hopper was in it, but it was just a random puerto rican
it was a real disappointment. i was all AGGHHH DENNIS I LOVE YOU but then it was just a random guy and i think i died a little inside.
- there was tons of random girls making out for little or no reason
you’ve all seen this. random girls making out with each other to get attention from guys, its really a fool proof plan. anyways, in this movie it happens at least 3 times, but one of those times there is no men anywhere. its just three bitches making out in a hallway for no reason. Officer Walker walks (ha!) by at one point but makes no reference towards them. it was oddly surreal and made my tummy hurt.
So in conclusion, if you like watching vin diesel struggle to convey simple emotions while speeding around in expensive cars, then this is the movie for you! it wasnt really for me because my ideal car is the mirthmobile and im repulsed by men who resemble penises.
the guys i were with seemed to like it and the couple of drinks i had really helped ease the pain. so its probably not that goddamn terrible, im just an asshole. but to bring the original cast back almost a decade later is a bit troubling. the title of this movie probably should have been “The fast and the furious: original cast needs cash, and fast” or: “the fast and the furious: Vin Diesel spends like 500$ a week on head polish, he needs your 10 dollars” i think i like the second one better.
in my original blog post i forgot to mention the most baffling visual of the entire movie. that being a black guy who spoke mexican and had a communist hammer and sickle tattoo on his neck. yea, i have no idea. they are really all over the map with that one.