awful fan fiction review: part two

hey hey, so i once again swallowed my pride and ignored my self worth to delve deep into the bowels (and i do mean bowels) of the internet to find the worst of the worst. aka fan fiction. you know the drill, i’ll review one of the craziest fan fictions i can find for your pleasure(?)  alright, lets start i guess. jesus christ i need to get paid for this.

“Do you ever wish you could just forget everything, even just for a few seconds? That you could just snap your fingers, or close your eyes, or maybe tap your heels together three times and mumble “There’s no place like home,” and all your problems would vanish. Or maybe you wish you had some sort of potion, and when you drank it all the stupid stuff just wouldn’t matter anymore.Well, I know how to do it. It’s easy really—just like magic. Magic dust. All you have to do is keep a little in your pocket with you, and when the going gets rough, puff a little down, and PRESTO! You’re amazing, you’re incredible. Yeah, that’s the great thing about heroin.”

doesn’t sound so bad does it? now read that paragraph again, but this time imagine it coming out of Will Smiths mouth. more specifically, Will Smith from fresh prince of bel-air. yes. that is right. you are about to read a review of a fan fiction about the fresh prince doing heroin. shall we continue?

"what can i say? i love that china white!"

"what can i say? i love that china white!"

and when i first came across this, i automatically assumed that it was a joke. but after reading the story in its entirety i can assure you, it is not.  this is 100%  serious. keep that in mind for the rest of this.  also to make it extra fun, i like to pretend that during Wills time as a heroin addict, he’s wearing that green hat with the brim flipped up. you know the one.

oh yes..that's the stuff.

oh yes..that's the stuff.

ok, so let’s see what Will decides to do now that he’s all fucked up on heroin. go to a fair? sit and pick at invisible bugs under his skin? watch season one of seinfeld on dvd?

“Man oh man when is this class gonna end….

Will’s eyes jumped to the clock again, where the time was precisely ten seconds later than it had been the last time he’d looked. The room felt tight, stuffy, overcrowded, and it was getting harder and harder to breathe—as if each time he took a breath, the air around him crushed in his chest a little more. He squeezed his eyes shut, and jammed his forehead against his the heel of his hand, trying to calm down before he ended up hyperventilating. It sort of worked, especially if he let his lips mumble silently while he did it.”

uhh i guess not. he decided to go to class at his prep school and act like a maniac. good plan Will. jesus. you would think even a fucking heroin addict would have more sense then that. i can’t even handle going into McDonalds after eating pot brownies, let alone going to a science class for 2 hours. what a jackass.

you can put your weed in there!

you can put your weed in there!

so after sketching out like a fucking crackhead for a bit, im sure he must want to get home and let Uncle Phil yell at him while Jeffrey makes snarky comments. i hope so!

“Will—” Carlton started when his cousin exited the classroom. “Not now Carlton,” Will replied shortly, starting to try to push past him. Suddenly Jazz, sporting a grin and a second-hand leather jacket, slid a thin arm around Will shoulder—and between him and Carlton. When he caught sight of Will’s face, he grimaced. “You look bad, my man. Don’t worry—I got the cure.” And with that, Carlton watched Jazz lead a very relieved Will away.”

hahahaha holy shit! someone really hates Jazz. Jazz was a total slacker mooch but i don’t think he could really graduate from eating Uncle Phils sandwich to peddling drugs to highschool kids.  but uhh, yea i guess. now at least Uncle Phil has a reason to comically throw him out of the house.

"thank goodness my heroin dealing money allows me to buy such fashionable clothes!"

"thank goodness my heroin dealing money allows me to buy such fashionable clothes!"

alright, well i really want to know what Aunt Viv and Uncle Phil think of this whole situation, judging by the previous paragraph i think Carlton might think something is up. but he’s short and a total uncle tom, so no one ever listens to him.

“Look, Will—You can’t keep doing this, It’s not fair to your Aunt Vivian, or me. We worry about you. So,” Uncle Phil drew himself up; he wasn’t used to trying to be the law enforcement figure of the house, but since nobody else seemed up to it… “You need to start being home at seven on school nights, and ten on the weekends—no more nights out.” Will, selective-hearing in tow, walked right by him and up the steps, causing Uncle Phil to falter on what he was about to say next. He stood still at the bottom of the steps until he heard the door to Will’s room click shut.”

wow uncle Phil you really dropped the ball on this one. this isn’t how the fresh prince i know and love would deal with this situation. Uncle Phil should just start yelling at Will and Will would say something hilarious and then dance around while the credits started rolling. oh and Hilary would complain about how her hat got ruined or something. good times. but instead, we get Uncle Phil turning a blind eye to his Nephews obvious heroin addiction. i bet Wills mom is wishing she let him get beat up on that playground where he spent most of his days.

you can chill out, max out and relax all cool here without fear of becoming a heroin addict.

you can chill out, max out and relax all cool here without fear of becoming a heroin addict.

so lets see what Aunt Viv thinks of the whole situation.

well it turns out its not fucking much. but i will use this paragraph to discuss something that i feel needs to be addressed.

what is with the one super black Viv they had and then the super white washed one they had later on? was i the only one who noticed this? i remember sassy super black Viv would always talk about black poetry and then she was just gone one day and replaced with a less sassy Viv who just made sandwiches all day and said “now Philip” alot.

2 Aunt Vivs? now i've seen everything

2 Aunt Vivs? now i've seen everything

anyways, back to this train wreck of a story. let’s see what happens when Carlton BLOWS THE LID off of Wills out of control addiction.

“Will was on his bed, one sleeve rolled up to his shoulder, a badly tied tourniquet tied around that bicep. One hand steadied the other at the elbow, and the blue veins of his arm bulged sickeningly. He was trying to get the needle to stick but his sides were shaking as he alternated between dry heaving and silent sobs, and he kept missing. Bruised, spidery tract marks wound down his arms. The spit and snot was dribbling down his chin.


The boy didn’t even look up, just kept trying to shoot up, as he heaved out, “I c-can’t do it, Carlton. I can’t and I-I—“ he wiped at his nose with his arm, “I tried but I…”

Carlton had moved to his side, and sat on the bed next to him, resting a hand on his cousin’s back. “Shhh, Will. It’s ok. I’m here.”

dear god. this is really out of control. hahah wow. i’m really at a loss here. im really confused as to why anyone would be watching this show and wish for a more heroin centered episode. they are really painting quite the picture for me though. and that picture is of Will Smith spitting on himself while he tries to inject heroin. Whenever i think of fan fiction i always wonder if the celebrities in them have ever read them, i think if i met Will Smith i would tell him about this, but in a really vague way.

“Mr. Smith i love your movies! i read a short story on the internet about how your character on fresh prince was a heroin addict!  how is Jada?”

and then i would leave directly after saying that and really let what i said sink in. he would wake up later in a cold sweat finally fully realizing what was said to him.

"thank you for coming on the show. now about this fan fiction.."

"thank you for coming on the show. now about this fan fiction.."

anyways, lets just get this over and done with.

“Carlton rubbed a circle on Will’s back as he replied soothingly, “No, Will. I love you. We all love you, no matter what you do. We’re gonna help you.”

More tears poured from Will’s eyes and Carlton fought back his own, before he felt something warm and looked down; Will’s arm had begun to bleed. He reached for the needle and Will’s expression grew frightened. “Carlton—I need it—I need this—don’t—“ But Carlton calmed him with more shushing, before he gently took the needle away, then stretched out Will’s arm further, before easily sliding the needle into a vein. “Will,” he said quietly, starting to push the plunger down, “you can have it. But you have to promise that after…after this, we’ll talk to mom and dad. Together. And we’ll get you help, ok?”

Will managed a slight nod, before his eyes slipped closed and he let the heroin flood his system.”

wow. Carlton is a fucking enabler! what an asshole!  so after being a real homo and rubbing Wills back, he straight up injects him with heroin? jesus. this might have ruined me for the fresh prince. unless directly after injecting Will with illegal drugs, he started dancing to Tom Jones. that would be amazing.

this guy must have stock in tanning oil and chest hair.

this guy must have stock in tanning oil and chest hair.

so in conclusion, i hate the internet more then ever for ruining a beloved sitcom. now whenever anyone mentions the fresh prince, I’ll have an uncontrollable urge to mention this story. i know it will just spew out of me and i wont have any control. hopefully the next person who mentions the fresh prince isn’t a stranger or one of my friends parents. that would be just terrible.


2 Responses to “awful fan fiction review: part two”

  1. 1 Jenna Farts April 11, 2009 at 6:57 pm

    For some reason, all I can think about is that episode where Carlton “accidently” takes that ecstasy in Will’s locker.

  2. 2 Jenna Farts April 11, 2009 at 6:58 pm

    Also, who the EFF writes fan fiction with Carlton in it, without dancing? Tell me!

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