4 videogames that scare the piss out of me

1. Clocktower



OK more specifically, Clocktower 3. The game seems like a pretty generic horror action game, but with one glaring difference: you can’t fucking defend yourself. At all. Your only defense is running around like a jackass and crawling under tables and shit to escape. Oh and of course you are a mini skirt clad schoolgirl (duh)

wow, uhh. so i'm going to jail.

wow, uhh. so i'm going to jail.

Anyways, this premise of not being able to shoot my enemies directly in the face fucked my ass up and I cannot stand to play this game because of it. I think I got to level 2 before some psycho with a huge hammer came on the scene and I completely lost my shit. I know they were trying to make it more realistic in that most people don’t have handguns and flamethrowers on hand.  But I mean in a game where you are running from a hideous ghoul while wearing a plaid mini skirt reality isn’t really something you should be striving for. I’m just saying.

"haha, somebody got wasted last night! ha..oh..oh dear god"

"haha, somebody got wasted last night! haha..uh..oh dear god"

I have no idea how this game ends because once I found out I couldn’t get my hands on any automatic weapons I quickly lost interest/screamed until my throat was raw.

2. Any Silent Hill but 4

hellooo nurse! haha oh fuck.

hellooo nurse! haha oh fuck.

Alright first of all makers of Silent Hill: you fucking blew it with number 4. You assholes. You fucked with a good system and you should know by now that people fear change and do not want it. Even if you don’t play videogames if you are even in a conversation with someone who does you can bring up how shitty this game is and they will agree with you 100%. if they don’t then you should smokebomb out of there because whoever you are talking to is a masochist.

Silent Hill 2 and 3 were amazing and I still play them like the winner I am, but not Silent Hill 4. I wouldn’t take a copy of that game if it was free actually I would give it to a hobo and then laugh because I mean, whats a hobo going to do with a videogame? haha they’re poor.

Anyways, the main reason these games scared the fuck out of me is because of this little guy:

i love what you've done with the place

I love what you've done with the place

Pyramid head. Gay name, I’ll give you that. but this mofo can tear shit up. Plus there is constantly cutscenes of him raping other monsters which is distressing on a whole other level. It’s not enough that a horrible nightmare is chasing you, but you also have to watch him violate other creatures. It’s like someone making you watch 2 and a half men while they jab at you with sticks- it’s just too much to handle.

"at least you don't have to watch us rape mutants"

"at least you don't have to watch us rape mutants"

Also these games are amazing because unlike cCocktower, you can shoot things. My tactic of “shooting while walking backwards and then freaking out as soon as I hit a wall” has worked well for me throughout this franchise.

3. Wolfenstein

holy shit hitler! im sorry art school rejected you!

holy shit Hitler! I'm sorry art school rejected you!

When I was younger  used to watch my brother play this game all the time on our shitty ass computer and I would constantly get so scared I would be flailing around in the background screaming before throwing myself behind the couch so I wouldn’t have to watch anymore. the thought of leaving the room and eating cookies in the backyard never occurred to me, but probably would have been a more solid investment.

cookies: 98% less scary than wolfenstein

cookies: 98% less scary than Wolfenstein

Anyways, this game basically ruined me for any first person shooters because I was so terrified by the thought of turning around in this game and seeing a poorly rendered Nazi soldier shooting at me. I suppose I could also credit this game for ruining Nazis for me. I’m conflicted on how to feel about this

wWhen my brother and his friend beat this game it was like the most intense moment ever. If you haven’t ever seen this game or beaten it here’s a little taste of what happens:

Yes, that’s right. Hitler appears in a long flowing robe and then when you shoot at him he laughs evilly and/or shouts German phrases at you,  then dispenses into pure energy. Hitler= Lord Voldemort? I’ll look into it.  OK and then once that ends, he just shoots at you with machine guns until he dies, which is a really troubling scene as well. Seriously, if you didn’t watch that video. DO IT. He says goodbye to Ava (I assume Braun) and then sort of melts. Also apparently Nazi Germany had a patented “death cam” so that’s uhh neat.


4. Ski-Free

welcome to my nightmare


I really hope I’m not the only one who remembers this game. It was a shareware game where you are a little skier doing jumps and then out of fucking nowhere the abominable snowman comes to kill your ass.

this is seriously what this game looks like

this is seriously what this game looks like

Now it might seems primitive now what with the Xbox and what have yous out there, but this game was really, really fun. That is until old yeti up there came on the scene to ruin your life.

I loved playing this game when I was little but in the back of my mind I knew he was coming, it was just a matter of time.  The amount of tension and stress that this gave me can only be likened to getting kidnapped and thrown in a closet. You know the kidnapper is coming back to violate you while wearing womens make up , you just don’t know when. So you have to sit there and wait for it.

"just be thankful im not the yeti from ski-free! Now put on the lotion!!"

"just be thankful I'm not the yeti from ski-free! Now put on the lotion!!"

Whenever he started running up the screen at my skier I would just stop playing. I would just run away from the computer yelling nonsense, actually when I was reading about it for this “Article” I found out there is no way to escape from him. The programmers of this game made it so the end of the game is whenever the yeti eats you. You can escape from it, but it will always come back until it eats you. What the fuck!  Fuck you programmers of this game, fuck you!

“well, we could just make it so they cross a finish line..but i think having a mythical snow creature eat them is a much more solid plan, also my wife left me today so I’m dead inside”



Jesus Christ. what were they thinking? so anyways, I really hope I wasnt the only one afraid of this thing or else I am the hugest pussy in the world.


1 Response to “4 videogames that scare the piss out of me”

  1. 1 Sarah November 30, 2009 at 12:18 pm

    Fuck no! You’re not a pussy! That yeti from Ski-Free was scary as shit! I’m fucking terrified of that thing! lol This article made me laugh out loud. Fo’ reals, yo.

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