An open letter to Jason Statham

i think my ovaries just exploded.

i think my ovaries just exploded.

Hey Jason, hows it going? good? I assume you are doing good since you are in roughly 4 movies a month. Now don’t get me wrong Jason, you are a beautiful man despite the fact you look a bit like a foot from a side profile. but that’s ok, because you are british and I want to sleep with you.

i will even support your "running in hospital gowns while talking on a phone" fetish

i will even support your "running in hospital gowns while talking on a phone" fetish

But lets get serious here Jason. maybe you should take a long hard look at all the movies you have been in. I just took a look at the imdb page for you and it turns out I have seen almost all of your movies. This wasn’t done on purpose mind you, and I thought I had only seen maybe like 3. But every movie you have been in since Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels has been EXACTLY the same minus a few small differences, so I have no idea where one movie ends and another begins.

as an example, I am about to pitch a movie idea for you Jason, and I know you will be unable to resist. here it goes.

“Raging Velocity: Extreme Force”

You like it so far? I thought you might! so lets find out what its all about

You play an ex cop who is framed for the murder of your wife and  in order to clear your name, a meth dealer is making you transport a truck made of explosives and bullet casings filled with topless asian women to a secret base while you wear a wife beater.

jasons BFF

Jason's BFF

Holy god, its your dream role! but i didn’t add in the best part! this movie will feature no less then 3 montages of you working out and no less than 2 scenes of you fighting a group of men using a plank of wood.

Oh and don’t worry, you will have less then 3 pages of dialogue.

Do you see my point here Jason? yes, we all love seeing you get your shirt ripped off, and yes we all love seeing you kill men with pool cues, but when is enough enough? I have seen all 3 transporter films but I have no idea which one is which or what happens in any of them other then you drive a car and fuck a woman in each one.

you know, there are more poses then "jumping in the air while shooting guns" just a thought.

why are you always jumping and shooting guns? this is like every movie cover for you.

As far as my understanding goes, Crank 2 is just Crank 1 with a 2 added to the end of the title. You know i’m right Jason.

We know you need money for shirts and muscle grease, but can you please be in a movie with at least a little bit of dignity? you aren’t a bad actor Jason, plus you have an amazing british accent that I want to hear more often and not in sentences like “I’m going to kill you right now” or “buckle up sweetheart” I loved you as handsome rob and you stole my heart as Turkish, but now I seriously can’t remember any of your characters names since those movies, I just call you Jason in all of them.

Jason Statham is Jason Statham as Jason Statham in Crank

Jason Statham is Jason Statham as Jason Statham in Crank

You look good with a shirt on as well, you don’t always have to rip it off after wearing it for 20 minutes. I’m sure you’re a really sweet guy Jason, but I saw a picture of you holding a baby once and my first thought was “oh my god he’s going to rip that babies head off” but my first thought should have been “how can I make a baby with him and get him to hold that baby?”

oh no! he's whispering a clever one liner into that babys ear! its going to die!

oh no! he's whispering a clever one liner into that babys ear! its going to die!

If you were in even one more movie where you had reasonable dialogue and didn’t scream and flex constantly, I wouldn’t think you would rip a childs head off. and isn’t that what you really want? think about it.

PS- I am totally willing to have a baby with you.

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6 Responses to “An open letter to Jason Statham”


  1. 1 Jenna Farts April 12, 2009 at 4:04 pm

    Have you ever heard my theory on Steven Segal movies? It’s less of a theory and more of a fact. All of his movie start out with him in some sort of “blue collar” situation, then a member of his inner circle (friend or family) is killed and he avenges their death… usually in some weird clothing that could be construed as Native American. Opposed to his real life, which is karate Asian.

  2. 2 rigsamarole April 12, 2009 at 5:19 pm

    holy shit that theory is both hilarious and accurate.

  3. 3 Jason Statham April 13, 2009 at 9:53 pm

    buckle up sweetheart.

  4. 4 William Sellari April 17, 2009 at 6:44 am

    I would be a miss if I didn’t agree with everything you said about Statham’s movies, however there is one shining exception.

    Crank 2 is going to possibly be the greatest film ever made.

    Trust me, this is coming from a place where I look at ironic detachment with ironic detachment then salt it by assuming that I am in fact critical enough not to appreciate anything. There is a line that was crossed in the creation of Crank 2 that hasn’t been present since the fall of the Canon Group. While I’m sure you’re aware of the red tape and endless notes a script has to go through to even get a glance for possible production, Crank 2 has circumvented all these protocols and returned to the cocaine induced brainstorming sessions of the early 1980s, where chain smoking “creative types” sit around a room and spitball a film together. Now, fast forward that scene almost 30 years, replace the greasy silk shirts wearing creatives, with guys with over worked macbook keys, high on coke, the most disgusting sounding energy drinks, eating designer food. It’s like Neromancer was written by Aaron Sorkin. Then this group of writers sits around, and is convinced every idea they have is golden…

    “WHAT ABOUT THEY GIVE HIM A FAKE HEART!?!”

    “YES LIKE THE WIZARD OF OZ!”

    “EXACTLY THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I WAS THINKING!”

    “BUT HE’S GOT TO HAVE ELECTRICITY TO KEEP IT GOING! BECAUSE HE’S METAL AS FUCK!”

    Producer walks in seemingly mad at first..

    “WHAT ARE WE WASTING TIME TALKING ABOUT THIS FOR! GET THAT LIMEY THE FUCK BACK IN THE STATES AND LET’S SHOOT THIS BITCH!”

    While this scenario isn’t that unlikely, Crank 2 is the equivalent of all the planets aligning. Assuming that each of the planets is made of it’s own independent 9/11 of mind blowing stupidity, that while just one planet in a movie would ruin the picture, this perfect storm of disaster and serendipity, will in fact fuck it’s way through and become the greatest film ever put on the silver screen.

  5. 5 007 March 20, 2012 at 12:05 pm

    First i will like to say that you have to meet Jason Statham to love in him.He is hot?YES!But is he a stupid ???Or nervous???Or does he have some disease,you have to think about that.Because no one are not perfect as well Jason Statham.So please meet him and than tell me do you steel love Jason Statham or not…??I think that you will say NO!We don`t know anything or just we don`t know enough him.So meet him,and than put comments on this site.Oh and if you don`t interesting is he are smart,fat,does he have disease..nothing???If you just like him(fisical state)than you are bitch.Sure!No love just to be “Beautiful”,oh god what stupid people exist in are world….!!!!

    • 6 rigsamarole August 14, 2012 at 3:54 pm

      I read this 4 times and not only do I still have no idea what you are trying to say, but I think I got cancer.

      I’m going to try and tackle this. “Is he a stupid???” I would imagine he’s not that dumb, since he is a grown man and I once saw a picture of him driving a car so I guess he at least has his licence, you have to be somewhat smart to get that. “or nervous???” He probably gets nervous from time to time, yes. “does he have some disease” That I don’t know. I would be willing to find out though (wink wink…wait, that doesn’t make sense)

      I fucking WISH I could meet him and then put comments on this site!

      So do I “steel” love him? Yea. D’uh. I have eyes don’t I?


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