in my never ending journey of wishing i could give certain men the gears, i have discovered something. i am more strongly attracted to different dudes from different places. im not talking about this in the same sense as that one girl everyone knows who only dates black guys, im talking about countries. and last time i checked, black guys don’t have their own country. (edit- Africa? check fact before publishing article) so anyways, lets begin with a few choice countries. aka no one gives a fuck about greenland.
Spain/Mexico (yes i am lumping them together, sue me)
Case for: Speedy Gonzales, Julio Iglesias, Enrique Iglesias post mole
Case against: the rest of Mexico and Spain, Carlos Mencia, cholos
gross. i am so fully against Mexicans/Spanish people it is not even funny. now i might sound like a huge asshole for saying this, but seriously, no thank you.
i don’t know what it is about them, i just don’t jive with them. it seems like they’re always dancing randomly in plazas,sleeping in the middle of the day or starring in terrible soap operas. i do enjoy Mexico as a whole, and every time i have been there the locals have been super nice, i just wouldn’t ever sleep with a Mexican. possibly because if you catch them staring at your breasts, they just wink and keep staring. i mean at least pretend you weren’t looking like the rest of the world does. its an unwritten rule.
and Spanish men are always referred to as “Latin Lovers” which really creeps me out. plus they’re always wearing linen pants or dancing suggestively. If the world was a bar, Spain and Mexico would be the guys hitting on super drunk girls.
final grade: F
Case For: Sean Connery circa 1975, Desmond from Lost, my friend Angus, Gordon Ramsay, Ewan McGregor
Case Against: basically any drunken Scot over the age of 45 stumbling out of a bar, sheep
A Scottish accent is the sexiest accent ever, prove me wrong. I would let a Scottish man say anything to me no matter how filthy or demeaning it might be, as long as he had an accent. Also i might sound like a total sicko, but i love it when men wear kilts. i do hate bagpipe music though, so that might be a problem. oh and are you kidding me with Desmond? he calls everyone brotha’. i want to rail him.
the only downside i can see with Scotland is that i always think anyone from there is sort of moist to the touch because it seems like a really drafty/dewy place to live what with the ocean right there. plus they’re always wearing those awful cable knit fishermen sweaters, yeesh, no thanks. oh and Scottish men always have black hair which could really cause a pube situation in the bathroom. sick.
but despite that, they are hot as fuck and it seems like they would all be really good at pounding a beer,winning a bar fight and then throwing you over their shoulder for a night of rough sex. yes please.
Final Grade: A
Case for: that hot guy from kung fu hustle, Ryu, Godzilla
Case against: anyone in a Japanese porn with the creepy blurred out penis
Japan is a land of plenty. unfortunately most of that plenty is creepy fetishes and men with little to no muscle definition. I don’t know how Japanese women can be so good looking, and attractive Japanese men are so few and far between. maybe it’s just me personally and I’ve been spoiled by men that are taller then me and don’t go to public bathhouses. oh and men that don’t watch tentacle rape porn, or at least that i know of.
Japan seems really interesting and i would love to go there someday, but never to bone anyone. i mean, the most attractive men to come out of japan are all cartoon characters, and that is saying a lot for both the country and my mental state.
Final Grade: F-
Case for: Joshua Jackson, Micheal J Fox circa 1985,Will Arnett, Brendan Fraser when i was 14, Matt Brooks (legit)
Case against: the entire cast of corner gas, Tom Green, Corey Haim, Dan Levy (he is a douche)
Now as a Canadian, i do love Canadian men. i pretty much have to. i could really expand on the list of case for simply by adding random men on the street i would enjoy being under. but the same could be said for the case against, only instead of being under them, it would be more of me shouting drunken obscenities at them.
Canadian men are amazing for many reasons. they are often strapping, look good in plaid and enjoy the music of the tragically hip. Canada as a whole is usually known as a friendly country, and judging by the amount of strange men who have helped me lift heavy boxes or hold a door open for me, i would have to agree. Also, i really love beards on men so Canada is like Bonertown for me.
I really enjoy most Canadian Men, and the ones i think are total assholes i always secretly wish they were American so it would be acceptable. plus when you catch Canadian men staring at your goods, they at least pretend they aren’t. unlike those filthy Spaniards. (i’m looking in your direction Antonio Banderas)
Final Grade: A +
Case For: Michael Caine circa 1956, Rob Pattinson,David Beckham, The mighty boosh duo, Jason Statham, Daniel Craig
Case Against: Harry Potter, Austin Powers, any member of the British family other then William, Boy George, Bob Geldof
I don’t mind if i do! these accents are tough to beat unless they are cockney accents and in that case, get the fuck away from me you dirty chav, go buy some more burberry hats.
anyways, English men seem really dapper and they always look good in pea coats. the upside of them as opposed to the Scots is they have more then one hair colour available to them but i am a bit concerned by the amount of gingers in this country as well as most actually do have shitty teeth. what the fuck is that about? it’s like they just accepted it as a stereotype and decided to roll with it.
there is also a large amount of soccer hooligans in the U.K which sounds really awesome but i can’t dig a guy who only has 4 of his original teeth. but the term “soccer hooligan” is really amazing and i try to slip it into day to day conversation as much as i can. this task would be easier if i was dating a soccer hooligan, so i’m really torn over this. but i would really like to watch Monty Python with James Bond, or at the very least a random Brit in a tux.
Final Grade: B
Case for: Bruce Springsteen circa 1983, Boomhauer, Conan O’brien (also case for Ireland) Joel McHale, any American who acts or looks like a Canadian man, Barack Obama (President hunk)
Case against: Tom Arnold, John Goodman, basically every overweight and/or obnoxious American, the blue collar comedy tour
Well i really hate the united states. like, really, really hate them. i even went so far as to paying extra for a flight because it was direct and i didn’t have to go through the states. The one time i went through the states on a flight i nearly got arrested because i had booze in my luggage. apparently being legal in the country you purchase it in and then being legal in the country you plan to drink it in doesn’t matter. if you are in the USA for 15 minutes you better not have booze or a copy of the Communist Manifesto.
im sure that not every American is obnoxious or retarded, just almost every American i have ever come in contact with. why are you always yelling about how great your country is? you know if you blow off your fingers drunk on Bud while lighting firecrackers on July 4th, you are going to have to pay to get those bitches sewn back on. not here in good old Canada though, we can blow off our fingers whenever we damn well please. So basically in my eyes, every American is Larry the cable guy.
so based solely on the fact that i do not think i could carry on a conversation with an American without going on an extended rant about how every other country is better, i am going to have to give this country a bad grade. its not that you aren’t good looking, its just that..well, you’re an idiot. sorry.
Final Grade: D
Case For: Jason Ellis, Hugh Jackman, Heath Ledger circa 2007 (too soon?) that kid who had that party and refused to apologize
Case Against: Steve Irwin (now or then) Mel Gibson after it was revealed he’s a raging anti-semite, Russel Crowe
Im actually not a huge fan of Australian guys, girls are always swooning over their accents, but they just sound like huge dumbasses to me. plus it always seems like they’re working out on beaches like some Matthew McConaghy(sp) offshoot.
Also, vegemite is really terrible and i can’t spend my life making sandwiches out of that shit. I know australian men are the typical type of hot that stupid girls flock to, but i just don’t like that whole scene. yes we get it, you’re tanned and say no worries alot.
Oh and once an Australian guy hit on me at the bar once and was really obnoxious so i told him that i hope a dingo eats his baby. he was not amused.
Final Grade: C-
Case for: The flight of the conchords, Murray Hewitt, it’s better than Old Zealand
Case against: sheep, Frodo, Peter Jackson, that’s really about all i’ve got,
well New Zealand, you are a puzzling mistress. i know literally nothing about you other then you are apparently Middle Earth.
I think that New Zealanders are like classier, less obnoxious Australians and i hope that’s the case. Frodo and his friends had some crazy adventures there and maybe i could too if i was married to a handsome new zealander. but if i ran into Gollum it would be a real problem. (edit- turns out Gollum is a fictional character, remove before publishing article)
So if every man from New Zealand looks like Jemaine and Bret and can also sing novelty folk songs like them, then i am all aboard. ooh! they have a precious accent as well so that only sweetens the deal. Also, when i was spell checking this, my spellchecker refused to acknowledge that New Zealand is a word. this country needs like a secret code that only insiders know or something to get into i think.
Final Grade: B + (they get bonus marks for being so mysterious)
So in the end, i’m going to have to go with the hometeam on this one, but i i really like other men from other countries…unless its Japan or most of middle america. well we killed some time though, and hopefully i prevented you from being outside in the natural light for 20 minutes, so its really win win.