5 of the most horrifying things from the sea

now, i hate the ocean. i really do. it is fucking scary and you can’t ever see your feet if you go in too deep. i like playing in the waves but as soon as i cant touch sand or see it, i’m out.

Everything in the ocean is goddamn terrifying, there is maybe 3 species to come out of it that is remotely cute. everything else has like creepy legs or is made of 55% slime. so let’s examine some of the worst offenders. ok and just as a warning, there are some creepy ass photos in this so maybe don’t eat anything while you’re reading it.

1. Lobsters

whoa lady why don't you just make out with the thing?

whoa lady why don't you just make out with the thing?

once a few years ago my parents were making lobsters for dinner and they were chilling out in a Styrofoam container on the counter waiting to die. so i go over to check them out and my boyfriend came up behind me and stuck my goddamn head in there. yes, you heard correctly. i got my head crammed into a box full of lobsters.needless to say, i freaked the fuck out. so that might have been where my hatred for both lobsters and men named Bryant started.

"mind if i haunt your dreams for a few years? thanks"

"mind if i haunt your dreams for a few years? thanks"

these things are so so awful, they are like the spiders of the ocean only worse because they have the terrible hard shell of a beetle. ahhh im getting creeped out just thinking about them.  they also seem like the kind of animal that would hiss at you which just sends me through the roof. plus i think if you ran into one in the ocean it could scuttle really fast towards you while snapping its claws, it would be like seeing the devil. oh and i instantly hate things that have eyes on stalks, it is just goddamn creepy.

2. Isopods

"hello, i am the devil"

"hello, i am the devil"

these things should not be. i almost barfed while i was looking at pictures of them, in fact i had more of a gag reflex to seeing photos of this thing then i did to watching 2 girls 1 cup. true story. so anyways, there are tons of these assholes in the ocean and most of them just sort of scavenge around, sort of like little shrimp but scarier looking.  but every family of animals has to have a horrifying member right? well that’s where these guys come into play.

"tell me honestly, have i gained weight?"

"tell me honestly, have i gained weight?"

they are giant. giant as in you need two hands to hold them. giant as in you could wake up in the middle of the night and it would be standing over your bed holding a kitchen knife. well maybe not that last one, but could you imagine? but the terror train doesn’t stop there. check out this photo

"close the door, im watching supernatural!"

"close the door, im watching supernatural!"

yea so what you are looking at is a fish whose tongue was BITTEN OFF by this isopod who then attaches the tongues muscles to its own body and works as the tongues replacement in order to eat the food the fish consumes. i am not making this up. this is 100% fact. i can’t even put a spin on this to make it funny, its just too upsetting. do you see why i hate the ocean? DO YOU?

3.  Anglerfish



hey, so good work on this one god. thanks for this one. i would rather have 4 more species of bears on the earth then this goddamn abomination. these things constantly look like they’re screaming and i think if they could talk that is all that would come out of their mouths. just constant, agonizing shrieks because even they know they are a hideous creature.

so these things live in the bottom of the ocean and good thing because i would probably lose my mind if i ever thought i would come across one of these things. they use the little phallic attachment on their head to attract other fishes because it emits a light. i dont know how this is possible so i’m going to chalk it up to magic, more specifically evil magic.

"enjoy the anglerfishes you assholes! mwahahaha"

"enjoy the anglerfishes you assholes! mwahahaha"

why do they have to look so horrifying. why. couldn’t they have less of an insane open mouth or maybe be polka dotted or something? because they live in the bottom of the ocean a lot of them are blind because they rarely see light. i dont know if that makes them better or worse. on one hand you could probably escape from one easily if it ever grew legs, came to land and trapped you in a warehouse. on the other hand it has the really creepy eyes of that  old blind woman character that always shows up in horror movies grabbing the main characters arms when you think they’re asleep. god i hate those characters.

4. Giant Squid

when i die, i want nothing but this image engraved on my tombstone.

when i die, i want nothing but this image engraved on my tombstone.

again god, kudos on all your amazing work in the ocean. did you drink a 40 of Lambs rum the day you were working on all animals that live in water? you sick son of a bitch.

so anyways, these things were thought to be both awesome and fictional until science was invented in 1987 (edit – check facts on this before publishing) so these things actually exist and i really hope they fight giant whales on a regular basis because i mean, how radical would that be? but instead of that i think they just float around the ocean thinking of ways to be extra creepy. might i suggest a molestache?

now picture that on a giant squid. THE HORROR.

now picture that on a giant squid. THE HORROR.

so these things are gigantic, they are so big there is even a sub category of giant squids called COLOSSAL squids.

i hope you plan on eating calamari for the next 48 years

i hope you plan on eating calamari for the next 48 years

yes, that is correct. usually the word colossal is used to describe menu items at taco bell, but in this case it is used to describe a huge, crazy ass squid that is even bigger then a giant squid. you are a cruel mistress mother earth. these things are like 40 feet long, thats taller then a two story house and 39 more feet then should be acceptable if there was any sign of a merciful god.

5. Great white sharks



now up until this point on the list none of the animals could really hurt humans, they were just creepy as all hell. but the great white shark can straight up kill your ass. these things don’t try and go out of their way to kill people, but i mean if you’re there and its there, you are going to die. they are creepy in a different way then lobsters, they are creepy because any time any person is swimming in the ocean they think of great white sharks at least once. its totally true. and if you are in the ocean and someone hums the jaws theme then its just totally game over and you need to get the eff out of the water a.s.a.p (oh and you are friends with a dick)

"i can see up her bikini...that's embarassing"

"i can see up her bikini...that's embarassing"

there are tons of other kinds of sharks that are way more aggressive and responsible for more deaths, but for some reason the great white shark got stuck with the stigma of being a total dick who eats peoples faces. this shark could cure cancer and people would still think its an asshole.

“yea the great white cured cancer and all, but it also ate all those people in Jaws”

poor great white.


9 Responses to “5 of the most horrifying things from the sea”

  1. 1 Sailer April 17, 2009 at 8:39 pm

    I would like to argue that ANYTHING that is giant and lives in the ocean is totally awesome. Remember that three-part mini series on ABC ages ago that was about this million foot giant squid? It was amazing. It attacked a pool… okay, that doesn’t sound thrilling, but it was.

    Also, the great white shark is the second greatest creature in the world next to bears. Yeah, I said it.

  2. 2 Sailer April 17, 2009 at 8:39 pm

    Oh, and the thing about Isopods is going to giving me daymares.

  3. 3 Butcher April 18, 2009 at 6:37 am

    yeah….that tounge stealer is fucked up

  4. 4 Butcher April 18, 2009 at 6:38 am

    and by tounge, i mean tongue

  5. 5 Ashli April 19, 2009 at 8:41 am

    I am going to go with Jenna on this one. I LOVE everything in the ocean BECAUSE it’s so fucked up.
    What can I say, I root for the misfits,…and the angler fish.

  6. 6 Bryant April 19, 2009 at 12:13 pm

    I don’t think I pushed your head completely into the lobster container. It was a gentle push to get you to face your fears… HEAD ON!

  7. 7 Emberley April 20, 2009 at 4:46 pm

    I just woke up from a nap. Want to know what I dreamt about? That I got attacked by an octopus that had PLANNED my death, and when it grabbed me there was a fucking isopod in it’s mouth that was trying to eat me. Thanks a lot. I will never sleep again.

  8. 8 Sarah November 30, 2009 at 11:21 am

    First of all, I love you.


    I am in love with the movie JAWS because it is awesome. I have every single one on DVD. But did you know, the makers of JAWS (aka Peter Benchley) also made another movie? Called The Beast? About a MOTHERFUCKING GIANT SQUID? (William Petersen is totally the protagonist — WHICH IS AWESOME.) The movie came out in ’96 and it’s not so easy to find (I can’t find it on DVD, but I’ve got the VHS), but you can find torrents of it.

    As for everything else in the ocean that hasn’t appeared in a feel-good film or kids movie (ex// Flipper, Zeus & Roxanne, Andre, Free Willy, etc.), fuck it. The ocean is a fucking terrifying place. And it’s evil. Oh! But I love lobsters. I think they’re cute. I used to work in a grocery store and put the live ones through my till all the time.

    So, tl;dr version: watch The Beast and fuck the ocean. That sounds very different than what I actually meant.

  9. 9 Asha April 16, 2010 at 5:44 am

    I forget wtf I was googling but I came across your blog and it’s hilarious. I love it.

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