alright, so due to overwhelming popularity of the best and worst street fighter characters blog, and by “overwhelming popularity” i mean “im writing the same article with different characters because im lazy” i decided to tell all you assholes how i feel about different mortal kombat characters.
oh and this will only cover games 1 and 2 because the were the best and it just got way out of hand after that. plus i really hated nightwolf in mk3. no one wants to play an indian with a tomahawk for a weapon.
he is straight up the best character in this entire franchise, and if you disagree then we’re not friends. as i have mentioned before, i once dressed up as sub-zero for halloween. fuck yes. it was bar none the best halloween costume i have ever worn, and that’s counting the tit-tacular costume of heidi from tool time i rocked last year.
sub-zero is so fucking righteous he even got his own videogame. even though he is technically a bad guy, people frigging love him. and i mean, to be honest, ice power isnt really all that cool. but i’ll let it slide because well, hes fucking sub-zero! thats why.
this guy is goddamn terrifying. what kind of asshole picks you up with two arms and then beats you his other two arms? Goro, that’s who. when i had the original game and somehow got to Goro, i was totally confused and bewildered. what the hell? how the fuck am i supposed to get past this terrible jerk. i think it goes without saying, i never beat this game.
but despite our falling out, me and Goro still love each other at the very core. plus how hot does he look in that loincloth with the skull belt? MEOW!
this guy has friggin knives for arms. are you kidding me with this? of course he is on the best list. KNIVES. FOR ARMS. hes like a less pussy version of edward scissorhands. and i say Yes please!
i think he’s actually a bad guy, but whatever, he has knives for arms. one of his fighting moves is just rapidly swishing his arms infront of his opponent and it makes them bleed pixelated blood all over the damn place.
also, as a side note, do you guys remember the code to change blood into green blood? it seemed like really exciting news at the time, but i would always get bored of it and want to switch back to the more realistic red. social commentary on the impact of videogame violence in our generation? or just me not liking the colour green? you be the judge.
im putting these two together because they are basically the same character only with different coloured outfits and powers. so there.
now with your scorpion, he did have that amazing “get over here” move where he would pull you up to him with a metal claw and then punch you right in the face. i couldn’t ever figure out how to execute this move but whenever i heard “get over here’ i would panic because i couldn’t ever escape from his chain.
i recently said “get over here” to an employee at Canadian tire while i pointed to a chain and he didn’t get the joke. fuck that guy. oh also, i referenced Jabba du Hutt to a guy in a petstore and he had no idea who i was talking about either, i think i need to move away.
ok and i guess reptile is like the angry middle child of this family because he was all kinds of fucked up. i think he was a weird looking monster under his mask but im not sure if i ever saw it.
but being a freaky looking lizard is enough to get into my good books, so don’t even worry about it reptile, you’re on the list!
when the original mortal kombat movie came out my mom went to go see it with me because shes amazing. she also developed a gigantic crush on the actor who played raiden and if i bring it up to her even today she gets all excited and she says raiden is her favorite character.
that is one of the reasons he is on the list, because Momma can’t steer me wrong. also, he has lightning power, so that sweetens the pot a bit. i also seem to remember a move where he teleported up and then down to stand on his opponents head, which is both embarrassing and painful for the other guy. kudos to you raiden!
1. Johnny Cage
fuck i hate this douchebag. if Johnny Cage was a real person he would be the guy at the bar who aggressively hits on women and after he gets turned down he calls them a slut and then does 3 jagerbombs in a row. who are you trying to impress with your dumbass sunglasses. fuck you Johnny.i know a lot of people like him, but those people are tools.
so anyways, remember how terrible the sequel to the mortal kombat movie was? well it only had one high point in it for me, and that was when Johnny Cage was killed like 3 minutes in. it was totally unexpected and i think he probably slept with the directors daughter or something to deserve that fate. also im not going to worry about spoiling this movie for anyone because if you haven’t seen it yet, please do not for the love of god.
2. shang tsung
first off, i do not hate him because he is the end boss. i hate him for much more ridiculous reasons. one being that his name was really hard for me to pronounce when i was younger because i couldn’t wrap my head around the idea of a silent T.
and second of all, how old is this fucker? he’s like dick clark old but not as charming. i have a hard time believing that he is the be all end all of the mortal kombat tournament. his finishing move is telling you about his grandkids for 3 hours. but luckily you can distract him with hummel figurines and then steal his medicalert bracelet. Finish him!
i am almost always automatically repelled by characters who have an unnecessary X or Z in their name. i hate it. i just, i just hate it so much. it also applies to the names of stores or businesses, i cannot take a clothing store seriously if its like “trendz” or “Xtreme” its retarded. it isnt cool in any way and i just hate it.since when are S’s not cool anymore? i love S and you should too.
so anyways, Jax is a victim of this and it instantly makes me dislike him. plus he seems like the kind of character that would say really retarded one liners which i cannot get behind as a fan. also, im going to say what everyone is thinking. he is the token black character. in every fighting game there has to be at least one chick and one black guy. i don’t understand why, in a game where you can play a dude with knives for arms, people are concerned about whether or not a certain minority is represented. if i was a black dude, i would never choose the black character. that is just what the man would expect me to do. fuck the man.
4. Liu Kang
i hate Liu Kang and in my entire career of playing mortal kombat i have never known anyone to voluntarily choose him even though he’s supposed to be sort of the hero of the game. he’s not shitty in any other way then he doesn’t wow me. what have you done for me lately Liu kang? do you have knives for arms? do you have awesome chains that come out of your glove? no. you are just a chinese dude. well you do have that bicycle kick and your fireball, but the coolness of those get instantly negated because of the fucking lame noises you make.
really? is that weird squeal during the bicycle kick really needed? you homo.
these lovely ladies are also on the list for really the same reason Liu Kang is. they suck. they are clearly a poor mans sonya blade, and by poor i mean “aren’t wearing any pants”
seriously, what the hell. i cant remember any detail about either one of these characters other then i think one of them is Goros daughter or something, which just raises more questions then it answers. namely, if Goro was my dad i wouldn’t try and go out of the house with no pants on. and whats the deal with those masks? are they hiding a botched collagen job or possibly a rampant case of mouth herpes? all i know is i want to see one or both unmasked and killed in the ring.
so in conclusion, mortal kombat is a land of contrast . they have several ghoulish monsters but no ghoulish black monsters or monsters with tits. thanks for filling the void token characters! actually i think they had a chick version of goro in the 3rd one and i remember she had a ponytail. oh the 90’s you were a crazy time.