im going to let you guys in on a little secret. i can count the amount of Nintendo/SNES games i have beaten on one hand. i cant remember the amount of Playstation/xbox games i’ve beaten. is this because im from the distant future? no. no it is not. its because nintendo games are fucking hard. way harder then new games. so lets take a little look at some nintendo villains that made you want to smash your controller after biting it for 4 minutes.
you sick son of a bitch. if someone broke into my house and killed my cat and the police told me it was bowser, i wouldn’t be shocked. thats how much of a prick this guy is. what were his intentions with the princess? was he planning on eating her or raping her? or raping her and then eating her? wow that would suck.
seriously though, what is his beef. does he want a ransom or something? it just seems like he kidnaps her all the time because he has a crush on her but is too embarrassed to bring it up. its like when kids in grade 4 throw rocks at girls they like.
anyways, i have never beaten him. EVER. i watched my brother beat him in the new mario bros. for the super nintendo (and by new i mean it came out in 1995) but original bowser is fucking hard. i can get to his fist few castles, but the very last one is a crazy maze and i can’t figure it out.
bowser in mario bros. 3? fucking forget about it! theres like 5 levels of nothing but tanks shooting a constant barrage of bombs at you, which is enough to give me both sweaty palms and the urge to say nothing but expletives for the entirety of the level.
so in conclusion, fuck you bowser, you are a dickhead.
2. the angry sun from mario 3
when i was younger i used to be so afraid of this level. turns out i was just a huge pussy because i beat the fuck out of that sun when i played it..when i was 20. ahem. anyways, you guys remember this level right?
marios just hanging out running around the desert and you notice something, and that something is an extremely angry looking sun in the upper left corner. you funkin know something is going to go down with that sun. its like on horror movies when someone opens a medicine cabinet, you know as soon as they close it someones going to be behind them. its just a fact.
so anyways, eventually the sun goes insane and comes after you like you knocked up its sister. holy shit, this was so scary for me as a child and i thought the only way out of this mess was to just run as fast as i could to the end of the level while standing up and screaming. needless to say, im the grand champ and it worked out very well.
3. that giant fish that eats you.
goddamn it i hate this son of a bitch. why are you so hellbent on eating mario? hes a plumber, and also italian so i assume he would taste like swampy meatballs. (edit – racist? )
so yea, any level in mario where there was water, this sicko wasn’t far behind. also, anytime i got the frog suit i would instantly lose it when the fish ate me 30 seconds into the level. if i fell in the water i would start to panic because i knew he would just appear out of the corner of the screen like some sort of demonic vision from hell and swallow me whole. my defense against this was to just wildly jump in and out of the water until i could find a ledge or something to stand on.
But! if the ledge was too low to the water that asshole could jump up and eat you anyways. thats such a fuck you! its like if you escaped from a shark attack by running up the beach, and the shark pops out of the water and shoots you in the chest with a handgun. it just isn’t fair
4. hammer brothers
ahhhhhh no please no. i hate these guys. its so hard to get by them because while one is jumping the other one is throwing hammers at you so you have to time it really well. and i am a busy (wo)man so i can’t waste 30 seconds planning my attack, so i have fallen victim to these dickheads many a time.
there is also the retarded cousin of the hammer brothers – the boomerang brothers. these guys aren’t as hard because even 8 year old kids know that boomerangs come back so its not a big surprise when it shoots back at you from the left side of the screen. but still, total asshole.
remember in super mario bros. for the SNES how there was the giant boomerang brother? fuck i hated him. when he jumped it froze you and i would always freak out because i was forced to helplessly watch mario get hit in the face by a boomerang. it is the worst emotional pain ever, and i like to imagine that actors think of this moment to muster up tears or when they have to look really depressed.
5. no save points
this isn’t technically a villain but it is still a huge pain in my goddamn ass. early nintendo games did not have safe points. what the actual fuck. did they really think a little kid would sit down and beat mario brothers or mike tysons punch out in one sitting? seriously, is it that hard to make a safe point?
seriously. it was so awful, and even some super nintendo games don’t have save points. are you kidding me? you can make pixelated blood and tits but you can’t make a goddamn savepoint?you would think this would be a crucial part of a videogame being developed. at what point do you decide to make the decision to not include a savepoint? did the office catch on fire and the savepoint division was destroyed? did the guy in charge of savepoints get hit by a bus? why are you doing this to us nintendo? WHY