now i do enjoy snacking, who doesn’t? it’s a great way to gain weight and its a fun activity to do when you’re bored or want to eat your feelings. theres the good old standbys of snacking, your pretzels and doritos and what have you, but then somewhere along the line things went wrong. DEAD WRONG. so lets take a look at the most depraved items available to you, the consumer!
1. Oreo sippers/Oreo cakesters
have you ever wanted juvenile diabetes? well if you said yes to that question, do i ever have the answer for you! these fucking things.
first of all, as a kid i think we have all gotten a licorice and bitten off the ends to use as a straw when drinking pop. please god tell me that wasn’t just me. anyways, where im going with this is, i would do that for like 40 seconds and then realize how gross and unnecessary it was. why didn’t someone on the assembly line for these friggin oreo straws figure that out? seriously. if your kid is using these to drink their milk you have failed as a parent. using what is essentially a tube made of cookie and icing to drink your milk totally negates any goodness you are getting out of the milk. you might as well just eat a goddamn oreo and then at least you wont look as stupid.
ok and then we have the cakesters. which is essentially sugar in a cake form. wow. see this is why i couldnt ever be a cashier at a grocery store, i would be constantly judging people on their purchases and i know i wouldn’t be able to resist saying something if a parent bought these for their kids. now im not against all junk food or anything, but i mean, you need to have some dignity. if you buy oreo cakesters you are telling the world you are going home to play world of warcraft for 15 hours and/or watch a science fiction show that only un attractive people watch (not xfiles)
2. spray cheese
this is an afront to god. plain and simple, this should not exist. have you ever been cutting cheese and thought to yourself “wow i wish there was both an easier way for me to get my cheese intake as well as instantly make me look like someone who thinks married with children is funny”? well if so, you are a fucking sicko and you deserve your gross spray cheese.
is this even cheese? does it come in any other flavour other then “orange”? these are so low brow and even cheez whiz thinks spray cheese is welfare, and it doesn’t even have uncalled for Z’s in its name.
the thought of someone turning this upside down and spraying it in their mouths makes me want to dry heave. the last two things i dry heaved at was an episode of supernatural where Sam gets his fingernail ripped off and the commercial for 17 again when it shows Zac Efron spraying this in his mouth. according to my gag reflex these images are equally horrific.
3. kraft dinner crackers
wow, its like the gods answered my prayers for a snack that harnessed the awesome flavour of kraft dinner cheese powder with the crispy crunch of a cracker. thank you. i can’t imagine life without these.
seriously though, why? in my opinion if you really want your crackers to taste like kraft dinner then just dip the goddamn raw noodles in the cheese powder and eat them like the freak you are. i honestly was shocked and appalled when i realized these things existed, i held a package of them in my hands and i let a single tear slide down my cheek. that single tear was for my hope in mankind.
its not enough that these things taste like kraft dinner, they look like the noodles as well. since when are crackers shaped like goddamn crackers not enough for you assholes? when is enough enough? “oh i want a cracker thats shaped like a seahorse, im a goddamn idiot” fuck off with this. i like my crackers like i like my men- square.
i had to put these on the list mainly because i dont know what they are and because of this fact i both hate and fear it. is it made out of pigs? is it literally a pigs rind? what the hell is a pig rind? as you can see, it really raises more questions then answers. i have never seen anyone actually eat these, which makes me think im probably hanging with the right crowd.
it grosses me out mainly because they don’t really resemble any kind of food. its just pale yellow circles in a bag. so in the name of science, im going to wiki the shit out of this and find out what they are.
ok so turns out its fucking pig skin. ITS THE SKIN OF A PIG. you monsters! this is like one step away from eating soylent green. i cant believe that i didn’t know they were just selling pig flesh out in the open next to cool ranch doritos. thats so fucking wrong. i cant believe someone invented this
“hey you know what would make this sunday afternoon marathon of Star Trek the next generation better? the fried and battered skin of pigs, yes i think that would be excellent”