I’m going to be honest with you guys. the jungle is terrible. its not at all like the jungle book, you know what panthers do? they eat your goddamn arms off, they don’t give you advice on how to be a mancub. so in the tradition of me naming off terrible animals that should never be, I’m going onto dry land this time to bring you awful, awful animals that will hopefully come with some pretty gross pictures.
1. really any type of monkey
monkeys are huge assholes and i hate them. the only monkey i like is one i saw on tv who was wearing tiny pants with suspenders. that monkey and i guess that smart gorilla from Congo. BUT THAT’S IT. all other monkeys are total jerks who will either steal your food or try and eat your nose, or possibly both. everyones all “oooh monkeys are so funny! they are natures pranksters!” that is not true, they are natures angry rappers and we are their drive by shooting targets. only they don’t use bullets, they use their poop and their freakishly strong arms.
the only monkey in the jungle i wouldn’t be totally afraid of would probably be a spider monkey because I’m pretty confident i could kick it, but if a monkey stood taller then the average house cat, i would run for the goddamn hills. monkeys do not fuck around, and don’t even get me started on gorillas. they are huger scarier versions of humans, gorillas are like angrier hairier versions of Andre the giant.
my mom told me that when me and my brother were really little she took us to the calgary zoo and a gorilla stared at her through the one way mirror and to this day thinking about it scares her even though she knows he couldn’t see her. what kind of fucked up animal does that? all the other animals are either sleeping or touching themselves, but this asshole is just glaring at himself in a mirror. fuck gorillas.
2. this fucking thing
ok so that is a bot fly, more specifically a bot fly larva. and i wish i could somehow tell you that it got its name because its a robot., because that would be way cooler then what it actually is/does. so basically this badboy fucking lays its eggs in animals skin and then pops out in a gross alien-esque way when its ready to begin its disgusting life, much like how i imagine Louie Anderson begins each morning. pretty standard as far as parasites go, but oh wait. IT CAN DO IT TO HUMANS TOO.
im seriously not even going to subject you guys to photos of this thing inside of people because it made me almost barf just looking at it, and i had to look up pictures of sunsets afterwards just to cleanse my eye pallet afterwards. i also kept on scratching my head over and over again because i thought one was crawling on me, I’m sorry if you are doing that now as well. so basically, if you get one of these fuckers in your skin you have a few choices. you can either pull it out with a fucking pair of tweezers like an evil, living nose hair, or you can put meat on the edge of the hole to coax it out. you can put meat next to a hole in your body to coax the bug living in said hole out. YOU CAN PUT MEAT ON YOUR BODY TO COAX A BLOODTHIRSTY INSECT OUT OF A HOLE IT CREATED IN YOUR SKIN. i feel like vomiting.
so i wasn’t too worried because these things live in the jungles of Central America, but then i scrolled down the list of possible locations of this thing and i found this little ditty
Northern British Columbia, Canada
now i dont live in northern BC but i do live in BC and im concerned that a botfly family might take the greyhound to my city. and if any botflies are reading this, please don’t. its really cold here in the winter and we don’t have very many good nightclubs. thank you in advance for not infiltrating my body with your devil spawn.
man do these things suck, right off the bat i hate them because their name is hard to spell (you assholes) they also aren’t super repulsive to look at so i thought i should put them on the list so that you guys wont start vomiting all over your keyboards (you’re welcome) so basically instead of eating coloured marbles, these things violently tip over boats and rip apart the people onboard with their giant gaping mouths. hurray!
these things are deadly because they look so fucking retarded if you didn’t know better you would assume you could ride it into town like some sort of overweight grey horse. not the case. these hippos will fuck your shit up. i don’t know why they’re so pissed off or why they like to chase men for city blocks at a time, but i like to think it’s because they feel they need to overcompensate for looking like Marlon Brando in his later years.
hippos kill tons of people all the time, but if that’s not enough reason for you to hate them, how about this little ditty. to mark their territory they violently shit while spinning their tail to spray it everywhere. so picture a house fan. now picture someone throwing a bowl of poo into it. you get the idea.
cockroaches and beetles on a whole really bother me, mainly because they are unpredictable and can scuttle really fast at you from any direction. they aren’t really dangerous to you in any way, but they are still horrible so i think they deserve to be on this list. these bastards are everywhere and there are tons of terrifying varieties of them. its almost like someone made fun of the original cockroach to god and he was all “oh ya? you wanna see a bug? i’ll show you a goddamn bug” and made this little guy:
that is a Madagascar hissing cockroach. Hissing. as in it hisses. as in IT HISSES AT YOU. this fucking bug will seriously hiss at you as if you were a villain in a silent movie. are you fucking kidding me with this god? why does this need to be a reality. im assuming its some sort of defense mechanism but it seems like all it would really do is creep the fuck out of whatever is going to eat it. i also like to imagine that they hiss anti-Semitic comments or possibly just “I’m going to eat your soul” over and over again.
possibly the creepiest thing about this bug is that it is extremely popular for them to be kept as pets. that is correct, people willingly shell out cash to own gross bugs that scream at them on a regular basis. in fact on the wikipedia article there is mention of a pet cockroach named Micheal that lived to be 14 years old. im guessing that the owner of Micheal added this into the article himself because he was stricken with grief over Micheals death and also someone who would hack wikipedia articles about cockroaches are just the type of people who own cockroaches.
5. pretty much everything else that i haven’t mentioned
everything in the jungle wants to kill you. literally everything. possibly not birds but i think they could probably pull a weird swarm a la “the birds” if they really put their minds to it. even plants are out to get you. seriously, think of an animal that lives in the jungle and there is at least a 50% chance that it would and could kill you. the jungle is a total dick.
the jungle is like a high class prostitute, it looks really nice from the outside, but once you get inside of it, its just a matter of time before you die. coincidentaly enough, there is at least one jungle parasite that i know of that starts killing you at the penis. draw your own conclusions here people, but i think that was possibly the greatest metaphor ever created. and yes, i would love a giller prize.
so in conclusion. don’t go to the jungle. just stay home and watch the jungle book, or you could go buy planet earth and then tell everyone you own it and talk about how amazing it is on your HD tv. you douchebag. where was i? oh right, don’t mix your colours in with your whites when you do laundry or you will get pink t-shirts.