ok so everyone has one of those friends on facebook, the one that fills you with rage everytime something about them comes up on your homepage. apparently obnoxiousness (edit- make sure thats a word) can somehow transcend all borders of time and space because now its ON THE INTERNET.
1. the love professor
now lets be clear, i dont mean someone with a PHD in love, i mean some asshole who constantly professes how much they love their boyfriend and/or girlfriend. yea, we get it. thanks for rubbing it in all of our faces how much casual sex you are having.
it fucking enrages me when i see status updates like “oh i love my sweet sweet treasure” or “i cant wait until i can see my boo!” fuck off with this. no one gives a shit, and you know what? people like this always go from “i love my baby gurl” to single in like a week. its because people that constantly throw their love life out in the open for everyone are the people that have the shittiest most superficial relationships.
its totally true, its the same reason that crazy chicks are always really clingy to their boyfriend in public because they fucking know their insane and need to show the world that at least someone loves them. people like that are usually the fakest and it seems like the couples that arent constantly making out in the line up at subway usually stand the test of time. which brings us to our next offender..
2. the constant relationship updater
first of all, what purpose does “its complicated” have other then to piss off your significant other and/or bring attention to yourself so you can be flooded with comments like “oh sweetie!! is everything ok???????” its true. i know i am not off the mark with this one. if i wasn’t a college dropout i would write a thesis paper on my invention of a new mathematical equation that averages the time between someones status as “its complicated” to “single” i’m going to assume it is roughly a goddamn week. i would probably also win a nobel prize.
the main reason i hate people that do this is because it seems so insane to think that as soon as you realize your relationship is over, the first thought in your head is “oh i guess i better change my status to single” but i guess if thats the first thought in your head, your ex dodged a real bullet. a bullet made of pure insanity.
3. the constant quiz taker
fuck i dont goddamn want to read 100 facts about you so just stop. no one gives a shit if you’ve ever kissed someone in the rain or whether or not you like the colour red. no one cares except you, and i hate it when i get tagged in stupid notes like this because its making a pretty big assumption on their part that i A) give a shit and B) would ever take the time to fill this out. i remember i would do email surveys like this back when i was in grade 9, but i’m a grown ass woman and i think i need to have at least a little dignity (just a bit)
this also goes hand in hand with the constant “top 5 things” which is just the worst. these are new on facebook but i have already started hating them with a passion. i don’t need to know what 5 things you can reach from where you are sitting or what the 5 worst movies you have ever seen are. no body gives a shit. NO ONE. i wish there was a feature on facebook that would let me say i dislike something because i would be all over that shit. if someone on my facebook fills out too many of these things in a row, i delete them. ITS A CRUEL (INTERNET) WORLD.
4. Fans of…
holy shit these are the worst. i am not lying that there is a girl on my facebook who is a fan of the following things:
- the weekend
- kissing in the rain
holy god damn. you are a fan of the weekend? THATS CRAZY I AM TOO! you know who else is a fan of the weekend? FUCKING EVERYONE. you do not need to put that you are a fan of something that everyone fucking likes anyways. sleeping. really. you are a fan of sleeping. that is so fucking retarded i want to smash my laptop. oh and kissing in the rain isnt romantic. i don’t know where this idea came from that its romantic, i blame the notebook, but i blame that movie for pretty much anything.
anyways, my friend Jess became a fan of charles manson and everyone spazzed out like it was the worst thing in the world. at least he’s someone who actually achieved something (albeit a terrible murder) but i would rather be a fan of his then a fan of cookies, or ugh..snuggles in bed. ok and this same girl is also a fan of not being on fire.
A FAN OF NOT BEING ON FIRE.
seriously??? are we starting to become fans of things we don’t want to happen to us? what is next?
Fan of not getting smashed in the face by a rotary telephone
Fan of not being molested by my uncle louie at age 11
Fan of not getting food poisoning from eating potato salad thats been sitting out on the counter for awhile but i thought it was good anyways so i took a chance.
WHEN DOES IT END PEOPLE??
oh and i also have to add in that i hate these stupid fucking things:
ugh. i hate these so much and they seem to be popping up all over the place. they are both annoying and damn near offensive. “the one thats always hungry”? what the hell is that all about? what kind of asshole takes the time to fill these out? ugh. i just. i just can’t even talk about this anymore, its just too upsetting. i have to go lay down, i can feel my blood pressure rising.