5 of the most terrible things from THE WOODS

now dont get confused, the woods and the jungle are a totally different thing so im not ripping off my own material here….

anyways! as i red blooded canadian i feel it is my duty to inform you of the horrors that are out there in the forest.  not including the already well known horrors of Bigfoot, the wendigo, and perverted lumberjacks.

1. BEARS

you savage

you savage

sounds cliche i know, but if you are canadian there is a 100% chance you have seen a burnt out stump on the side of the road and thought it was a black bear. Prove me wrong internet!

see! look at this then look away really fast. ITS A BEAR!

see! look at this out of the corner of your eye and tell me that is not a bear.

every canadian is afraid of bears. FACT.  people from other countries have no fucking clue and they think bears are cute. bears aren’t cute. they are awful and stink and they always have that one really long line of drool coming out of their mouth. the only good thing a bear has done for me lately was beat a japanese man in an eating contest, and devour timothy treadwell.

did you see that video? now imagine that was a plate of babies instead of uncooked oscar meyer weiners. that asshole wouldn’t hesitate. (though i think the japanese man would) Also, Kudos to Fox for airing such quality programming.

anyways, bears look fucking dumb but they are wily animals. if a bear was a person it would be the super fat chick you always see at the bar who seems really sluggish but as soon as save a horse ride a cowboy comes on the speakers, they get super human speed and waddle to the dancefloor to “shake it” oh and they are always wearing a tubetop.

2. ticks

god i loved this show

goddamn i loved this show

when i was probably 15? i was watching a music video, more specifically a music video by fat joe and jennifer lopez. i remember this distinctly because my thought pattern was

“why am i watching this music video” followed shortly by “what is that scratchy feeling on my boob?”

so i looked down my t shirt and there was a GODDAMN TICK sitting on my boob. needless to say i went completely insane and ran to the bathroom while stripping. i went hiking earlier in the day and apparently this asshole decided to cop a cheap feel.  if that is not enough to terrify you and want to comfort your own titties, then i don’t know what will.

"hello there, second base?"

"any ladies in the house?"

ticks are the devil. plain and simple. what good do they do for the world? as far as i can tell they just give people the creeps and/or lyme disease. thanks alot nature, you really did a number of this one.  i don’t know if there are lots of ticks outside of north America but i hope there isn’t. i know japan has super huge insane wasps, so it would just seem cruel to have both of these things in the same eco system.

if im out in the woods as soon as i get home i instantly start checking my hair and body for ticks. i look like a weird, evolved, hairless monkey grooming myse…wait a minute. a hairless evolved monkey? oh my god, its all so clear to me now!  people came from monkeys!! i need to alert the press.

3. squirrels

JESUS CHRIST ITS HEADED RIGHT FOR US

JESUS CHRIST ITS HEADED RIGHT FOR US


now this may come as a shock to you guys, but do not turn your back for one instant on a squirrel. they are the devil. don’t believe me? well if you live in Vancouver i know you have to believe me because those devil black squirrels are running all over the damn place killing smaller brown squirrels and raping and pillaging their squirrel wives and nut stashes. but if that horrifying yet preciously adorable visual isn’t enough to scare some sense into you, how about this little ditty.

When i was little i was in stanley park with my family and i was feeding squirrels. rookie mistake, i know. but i was young and naive. so anyways, one big ass mother decided to not only take all my nuts but also run up my pant leg, towards my goddamn face. it got to my elbow and – ok this is where it gets weird- i swear to god it had red eyes. i think that squirrel was carrying whatever virus it is that killed everyone in 28 days later.

pictured: pretty accurate recreation of my horrific debacle

pictured: pretty accurate recreation of my horrific debacle

well i went totally nuts and started flailing around like an untrained breakdancer. holy shit these things are terrible. they trick everyone into thinking they’re cute and harmless with their little hands carrying nuts and their stupid bushy tails, but its a goddamn ruse.  im on to you. you hear me? im fucking on to you.

4. bats

pictured: a young kevin bacon

pictured: a young kevin bacon

holy god bats are not good for anything. other then keeping the bug population in check. and fruitbats help spread fruit seeds around. and i guess they inspired Bruce Wayne to become a vigilante. but what have they done for me lately? answer: creep me right the fuck out.

in this zoo in Victoria i went to when i was younger they had a room with bats in it and you could look in this huge glass tank to see them. sounds cool right? WRONG. they decided to light this frickin tank with an eerie red light for no other reason that i can think of then to terrify children.

the only thing that could make this creepier is if it was wearing a clown outfit

the only thing that could make this creepier is if it was wearing a clown outfit

turns out watching a bat scuttle along the dirt floor all the while bathed in a terrible red glow is a real motivator to be terrified of the things. if i saw a bat just chilling out on a tree stump or something i would be okay with it, but as soon as it started flying i would spaz the hell out. where i live, in the summer at night you can see these little assholes flying around sometimes and i can only calm down when i know that my head isnt exposed to this winged terror. THEY MIGHT GET CAUGHT IN MY HAIR.

5. snakes

"WASSSSSUUUUUPPPPP"

"WASSSSSUUUUUPPPPP"

to quote the late, great indiana jones: “snakes. why’d it have to be snakes?” i say late because after his last movie he is dead to me. but this isn’t about aging harrison ford, no! its about snakes.

basically, snakes are total jerkoffs. if i had a dollar for everytime i spazzed out thinking a stick was a snake i would have at least enough for an OE.

somewhere an unemployed nascar fan is drooling over this photo

somewhere a nascar/wife beating fan is drooling over this photo

im not really afraid of most snakes, like garter snakes and so on, but i am afraid of rattlesnakes. oh and while we’re on the subject, why the fuck do boys always pick snakes up and shake them at girls? its like a weird chemical reaction occurs whenever a male hand touches a snake that sends a message to the brain “shake this friggin thing at the nearest woman” fuck off with that.

you know what creeps me out the most actually is their weird way of eating food. have you ever seen a snake that just ate? its repulsive. they look worse then the entire cast of the biggest loser, only more entertaining to watch.

looks like someone has an eating disorder.

looks like someone has an eating disorder.

see that? thats a goddamn snake eating a goddamn sheep. now, mind you snakes to that size aren’t found in the woods, but even smaller snakes eat in such a gross manner. i just didn’t think you would all want to look at a picture of a snake eating a baby mouse (you’re welcome) although there has been a few christmas dinners where i wished i could unhinge my jaw and eat everything extremely quickly only to have it digest over several days. but thats mainly because i want to get the hell out of there before someone busts out the game boards. god i loathe game boards.

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