there are some pretty good inventions (pants) and some pretty bad inventions (skorts) but no one wants to talk about good ones, so lets mock and boo some terrible ones.
1. liquid butter
i saw this at blockbuster and i almost had a stroke just by looking at the bottle so i can only imagine the stress your body will go through if you actually consume some of it. this invention makes no fucking sense for a number of reasons
1. its putrid
2. if you are already making popcorn in the microwave, chances are its already butter flavoured
3. i think its probably 57% melted down googely eyes
why would you ever look at this and think it would make a good product. who the fuck is buying this? i’ll tell you who. gigantic, stupid people. if you like butter on your popcorn then have at’er but this isn’t butter or anything remotely close to butter. its extremely distressing that it can sit on a shelf at room temperature and not congeal like real butter would. things like this is why all of europe hates north america.
2. the kindle
for those of you who are not aware of this, its a digital tablet you put books on and then read said books off the tablets screen while you hold the tablet.
aka: the worst fucking invention ever. hey you know what has worked well for the past 100 years? goddamn books. this invention is something that a person in the 60’s would think people in the year 2000 would have. it is needlessly futuristic and complicated.
how goddamn lazy are you that you can’t hold a fucking book. are your wrists made of old corn husks? can you not handle the weight? the same people that use these stupid things are the people that bought laserdiscs when they came out because they are destined to own technology that will become laughable within a calendar year.
and another thing, would this not hurt your eyes if you stared at this for more then 20 minutes? its ridiculous. and the argument is that its smaller and compact so you can bring it traveling and it wont take up much room. you know what else is small and compact? goddamn paperback books. i rest my case.
3. pet clothes
i could go off about this for days. i really could. it is just the stupidest idea ever and it targets only the dumbest of pet owners. if you are buying a hilarious sweater for your cat to wear while you laugh at it, or putting a halloween costume on them or whatever, then yes i am fully behind you – but if you have a mini wardrobe for your pet and it wears clothes every day you are a total dickhead and i hate you. but this is huge and theres entire stores devoted to the sale of pet clothes. if i was a primordial dwarf i would totally shop there and use the money i would save on buying heroin so i wouldn’t have to face the reality where im a creepy monkey like person. but wait, where was i?
the absolute worst offshoot of pet clothes has got to be the shoes. this makes no goddamn sense. dogs and cats have those rough pads on their feet for a reason you morons. im not a veterinarian but i don’t see how making your dog wear shoes could be good for its feet or its self esteem.
i mean don’t get me wrong, i love my cat and treat him like a little gentleman but i know he’s just a cat. its a weird line being crossed when people dress their animals up because it makes me think they are convinced their pet is like a little person and they will have a complete mental breakdown when it dies because they’ve totally humanized it in their mind.
but guess what? when you die the first thing your cat is going to do is eat your eyeballs. right after it takes off its sailor suit.
4. chocolate skittles
really. really? really? this is just the worst. i do love me some skittles, but one of the reasons i like skittles is because of the delicious fruit flavour. its like a jungle safari in my mouth..or something like that. if i wanted to eat chocolate flavoured candy i would eat chocolate. stick to what you know skittles.
and its like whoever invented this thought
“hmm well in original skittles, we have several different flavours in one bag so i guess we need more then one chocolate flavour…i know! smores! oh im soooo getting that bonus”
just wrong. i don’t even know if they make these anymore to be honest and for the sake of my unborn childrens future i hope they don’t. i don’t want to raise a child in a world where “brownie batter” is an acceptable candy flavour.