my bloody valentine 3D: 2D would have been enough

WATCH OUT! THAT 3D PICKAXE IS HEADED RIGHT FOR YOUR CROTCH!

WATCH OUT! THAT 3D PICKAXE IS HEADED RIGHT FOR YOUR CROTCH!

There are two things I love in this world, one of them is 3D movies and the other is Jensen Ackles.So to be honest, I was a little biased about this movie to begin with, but to be fair though if it was in 2d it would have been just the worst ever.

I'd let him bloody m...ok wait. i didn't think that one through.

I'd let him bloody my...ok wait. i didn't think that one through.

Have you ever watched a 2D version of a 3D movie? its fucking terrible. It’s like “why is that person playing with their yo-yo right towards the camera?” or “they are really showing that person jab a shovel towards the screen alot” it just doesn’t work because the whole time you’re wishing it was in 3D, or if you didn’t know it was originally in 3D you just think its the worst movie ever.

"eye love you!" hahaha worst joke ever

"eye love you!" hahaha worst joke ever

Anyways, back to this movie. It’s about some people who got attacked by some insane miner while they partied in an abandoned mine on Valentines day. Romantic? all signs point to yes.  4 of them survive even though 3 of them drive off like assholes and leave the best looking one behind. you dicks

"I'm here to kill your most attractive townsfolk"

"I'm here to kill your most attractive townsfolk"

It then shows them 10 years later and when the killings restart they try to figure out who is behind it  (spoiler alert– it makes no fucking sense who the killer is) now this is the first part that I was all “say whaaaat?” at because they obviously didn’t wait 10 years to film the second part, they just dressed up these actors (who are all in their 30’s) to look younger. This apparently means backwards hats/puffy vests popular circa 1995. I’m surprised they didn’t just straight up mention Bill Clinton being the president.

I had to leave my AOL chatroom to watch Bill Clintons address. ITS THE 90's!!

I had to leave my AOL chatroom to watch Bill Clintons address. ITS THE 90's!!

Anyways, lets get to the Pros and Cons of this mess shall we?

Pros-

  • it was in 3D
  • a girl had a shirt that said Ready 2 Party but i thought it said Read Party which would really make a much better shirt if you ask me.
  • a woman was completely naked for around 15 minutes
  • I’m talkin’ Vagina
  • it made my hate for miners socially acceptable
  • at one point the miner stabs at a girl but gets her shirt caught in his pickaxe and then proceeds to rip off said shirt. It was amazing.
  • there was a lot of ripped out hearts in valentine boxes (social commentary?)
  • Dean Winchester was in it
craziest goddamn read party i've seen in awhile

craziest goddamn read party I've seen in awhile

Cons-

  • it was terribly unscary
  • for no good reason that I can see, they made the owner of the hotel a sassy midget. It deeply upset me.
  • the sheriff is fucking a teen behind his wifes back at this awful dilapidated fuckshack in the woods, which bothered me because i feel like that whore deserved better.
  • I could not remember any of the characters names and for the first half of the movie I thought that the last name of Jensen Ackles character was the name of the town,which made it very confusing
  • a Spanish maid got killed and put in a dryer but then when the cops found her, her skin was totally melted. Hottest dryer in the world apparently
  • I’m jealous of their hot dryer, mine takes a long time to dry towels
  • I doubt the ability of an old rusty pickaxe to cut peoples torsos in half
  • my eyes hurt like a son of a bitch
  • near the end, my eyes were so messed up it looked like blood was green and that all the characters were about to burst into tears

And this made me so insane I couldn’t get over it:

MOVE THAT GIGANTIC STEERING WHEEL

MOVE THAT GIGANTIC STEERING WHEEL. ALSO LOOK LESS DUMB.

I don’t know if you can really tell by that picture but its the best one I could find. Do you see the size of that steering wheel? DO YOU? It’s fucking out of control and its so big it goes off the side of that fucking picture. Maybe its just me, but when any scene took place inside of this truck I could not focus on anything else but the size of this goddamn thing.  You could fit my head inside of that thing! You know what? you could fit my head and his head in there and there would still be enough room for us to kiss passionately (yes, please?) I’m serious here, watch the movie and tell me if it doesn’t enrage you.

I’m also going to take this time to introduce you to a radical new concept that I came up with, in film making. It’s called 4D. this is when the actors come to your house and act out the movie for you. The extra features include:

-commentary of the scenes that the actor giving the commentary isn’t in

-a party sub from subway (ham and turkey)

-you could probably trick some of the men into moving armoires for you

so, what do you think? could you imagine? people coming to your home and acting out movies? it will..oh..oh goddamn it!  that’s just a play. Fuck.

"...And the cocoa skinned maiden doth proclaim "don't go there girlfriend"

"...And the cocoa skinned maiden doth proclaim "don't go there girlfriend"

In conclusion: if you want to watch a movie in 3D where pickaxes and whatnot come flying at you, then this is the one. It has lots of vagina/boobies for the men and one good looking guy and a semi good looking guy if you squint for the ladies.

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3 Responses to “my bloody valentine 3D: 2D would have been enough”


  1. 1 Sailer May 27, 2009 at 5:31 pm

    Like you would care if Dean Winchester was in it, you Sam Winchester loving slut!

    You’re lucky Bobby isn’t dead.

  2. 3 cole May 31, 2009 at 8:57 pm

    My dads old 79 ford f-250 had a steering wheel that big. It made driving funner. Know whats worse than really big steering wheels? Really small ones. So awkward?


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