my dreams: F my life

ok so i had this really crazy ass dream and i wanted to share it with you guys. i dont want to oversell it, but i think it could be a summer blockbuster. it just needs more explosions and Megan Fox.

so anyways, i had this dream where me and a bunch of my friends were going out “clubbing” oh, im sorry- “clubbin’ ” and one of our friends was all

“oh man, you guys, my cousin is in town and has to come party with us, be nice to him”

so we’re all yea sure why not. so his cousin shows up and he happens to be a gigantic, anthropomorphic spider. with no pants.

like this, only instead of a jaunty hat, it was ed hardy sunglasses

"mind if i join? i'll bring my jaunty hat!"

this seemed to be alright with us so we continued to party.

as the night goes on though, we realized something was amiss. and we decided to try and not hang out with the cousin.

this is where it gets a little weird.

we didnt want to be seen with a monstrous arachnid but not because he was a lovecraftian nightmare, but because he was a total douchebag.

like this only with 8 over tanned arms

like this only with 8 over tanned arms

this spider prick was spilling drinks all over the place and aggressively hitting on girls and getting into fights. if he was wearing a shirt or had thumbs to do so, he would be popping his collar all night long.

so apparently my fear of Affliction shirt wearing douchebags is higher on the list then that of spiders. i do not really know how to feel about this. i think the next time i meet a douchebag i’ll tell him about it and see what he thinks the dream means. then he will presumably shout “JAGERBOMBS!” and try to cop a cheap feel. god i hate douchebags/spiders

"WOOO JAGERBOMBS!! I HOPE MY HEART DOESNT EXPLODE!!!"

"WOOO JAGERBOMBS!! I HOPE MY HEART DOESNT EXPLODE!!!"

another dream i had awhile ago i have to share, mainly because it  totally tops the spider one on the sheer embarrassment scale.

i dreamt that i was at some fancy ball (yeah fucking right) and a total slobby douche (not a spider..this time) was hitting on me really aggressively. but i was totally rescued by a handsome man who told him to get lost.

Christian Bale to be exact. now, as a side note-this dream occured after he totally lost his shit on the set of terminator, so i dont know if i subconsciously became more attracted to him after this but i guess i must have. the knowledge that i’m more attracted to men after they scream expletives at random people is upsetting.

IT'S FUCKING DISTRACTING

IT'S FUCKING DISTRACTING

so dream rigby is totally thinking i can get my swerve on and sleep with this cockney son of a bitch. So i’m all “oooh thanks for saving me, wanna get out of here?”

to which he responds

“No. I have to get back to my wife”

your words cut me deep Nelson Muntz, you cut me deep.

your words cut me deep Nelson Muntz

So in summary, i cannot score with dudes even in my dreams. i am getting turned down in a situation that i ultimately control. somewhere in my brain it was decided that No, i do not deserve to have kinky dream sex with batman, i deserve to be totally shut down in a public forum. this was the worst blow to my ego ever mainly because i delivered the blow to myself. thats like purposely poking yourself in the eye repeatedly. god damn it.

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1 Response to “my dreams: F my life”


  1. 1 Sailer May 31, 2009 at 2:21 pm

    Dreams are such a great look into the depths of our psyche. Just like my Chris Pine dream. All I need is someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be alright.


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