Terminator(s): a review(s)

Hey so I’m going to review all 4 terminators and tell you which is the best. spoiler alert: its clearly number 2.

Terminator

This movie is actually really good still for being made in ’84. The only thing that really gives away its age is the fact that all the robots in the future scenes use lasers. Why is it that everyone in the 80’s thought lasers were so futuristic? assholes.

do we have to wear those stupid goggles in the future too?

do we have to wear those stupid goggles in the future too?

Anyways, Linda Hamilton is a total babe in this one and for some reason she has a pet iguana named pugsley I believe. This worries me because after her roommate and her boyfriend get shot to death I always wondered who looked after the iguana? who??

"don't cry for me...i'm already dead"

"don't cry for me...I'm already dead"

Despite the inexplicable addition of a pet iguana who opens and closes it mouth during its entire time on screen, this movie is damn good. I would have to put seeing Arnold Schwarzenegger’s bare ass on the cons list of this movie, but that’s really all I have to say against it. Plus when Linda Hamilton and Kyle Reese do it, they totally play a soft piano version of The Terminator theme and really, who can argue with that? I also really enjoy that they sent a super advanced robot back in time using futuristic time travel methods, yet when he gets there the only resource he could use  to find his assassination target is a phone book.

What if she wasn’t listed? someone in the future really dropped the ball on the logistics of this plan. And by “someone” I mean “hyper advanced  killbot”

"hard day at the office...i need a drink..or two! ha ha beep boop"

"hard day at the office...I need a drink..or two! ha ha beep boop"

Oh and kudos to the special effects guy because that looked kind of sort of real when the terminator pulls out his fake eye and he has that sweet red robot eye. Yeah. But good call on making him wear those sunglasses because..well..it looked pretty shitty to be honest with you.

final grade: B+

Terminator 2: Judgment Day

Right off the bat it has a fucking rad name so it’s already ahead of the game. also, if you are a fan of extended scenes featuring burning children and playgrounds on fire, this is the movie for you! A con I have to mention that a friend of mine brought up is that Edward Furlong could never grow up to be as good looking as Christian Bale, who plays John Connor in the newest one,  but that’s more of a casting issue so I won’t hold it against this movie.

"ugh, i hope that terminator doesn't show up to destroy me..i am out of shape. woof"

"ugh, I hope that terminator doesn't show up to destroy me..I am out of shape."

But I mean, how fucking stoked were you when you first saw him turn into liquid metal? that shit was Ca-Razy. I was all “say whaaaaaat??” oh and when he stabbed that guy through the milk container? holy mother of god

The two best moments in this entire movie, hands down, are when The Terminator learns how to smile, and of course the ending when he gets slowly lowered into liquid hot magma while a sad version of the theme song plays in the background.

oh, oh and what does he do right before he is completely submerged in liquid fire? HE GIVES A GOD DAMN THUMBS UP. epic. EPIC. fuck this movie is amazing.

this photo should be used for inspirational office posters

this photo should be used for inspirational office posters


Final Grade: A+

Terminator 3: rise of the machines

oh i get it! they're robots!

oh i get it! they're robots!

To be honest I only watched this once in the theater when it first came out and I remember it being god awful and I was pissed I spent money on it even though it was at the 2 dollar theater. Maybe I’ll go watch the trailer for it and see if anything comes back.

alright so yea, worst movie ever. This movie looks like a spoof of other Terminator movies. Fuck. I also remember being enraged at the fact that they tried to make the new Terminator a sexy girl. It’s the lowest form of pandering to male audiences, the first 2 did just fine you assholes, don’t mess with a good thing.

"tee hee...like, death to all humans!"

"tee hee...like, death to all humans!"

So I guess I don’t really have anything positive to say about this movie, and the line they used in the trailer:

“she has one sole purpose..to kill us all”

That seems like a pretty big purpose and more then one task, if it was just to kill one person then yea sure, but something about that sentence really bothers me and I don’t know why.

Final Grade: F

Terminator salvation

This movie was really really good. It had Christian Bale AND Chekhov from the new Star Trek so it had my vote right off the bat. I don’t want to ruin it for you but they totally bust out the lines “come with me if you want to live” and “I’ll be back” Fuck. Yes.

"come with me if you want to live! oh shit..you're already dead...and also a robot. fuck me."

"come with me if you want to live! oh shit..you're already dead...and also a robot. fuck me."

This movie also really made me want a handsome robot friend that I could hang out with. He could protect me from explosions or we could just hang out and play table tennis, whatevs

If you haven’t seen this you probably should, its set from before Kyle Reese gets sent back in time so John Connor has to find him and save him or else he wont be born. I was kind of hoping that if Kyle got really hurt then John Connors  hand would start disappearing a la back to the future, but I guess the director didn’t get my letters.

"but if im never born, then who will save humanity?"

"but if I'm never born, then who will save humanity?"

Despite the lack of Marty Mcfly related tomfoolery, this movie was pretty solid and it didn’t drag on and on like some action movies. Oh but it did lack any Linda Hamilton side boob so that was kind of a disappointment. But it really bounced back from the shame of the 3rd one so as far as I’m concerned from now on there is only 3 terminator movies.

Final Grade: A

so in conclusion, terminator movies are fucking rad and my CPU is a neural net processor, a learning computer.

oh and as a special treat, here is a clip of Arnold completely going insane and shaking a woman into unconsciousness. enjoy!


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1 Response to “Terminator(s): a review(s)”


  1. 1 Sailer June 5, 2009 at 11:47 am

    Two things:
    First thing: His ass is in it.

    But really,
    1. I enjoy how you bring up some of my solid arguments.
    2. Care to see Salvation again? I want to see.
    3. Maybe Arnold should have said yes to the soda. It’s seems he got too cranky because his blood-sugar level was low. I know I get tired and cranky. Also, everyone knows that when a baby (or woman) cries, you shake them until they’re quiet.


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