hey assholes guess what? turns out im old because i just learned they are playing a cartoon i watched when i was 10 on a channel that exclusively plays “retro” cartoons. well instead of killing myself i decided to take this time to reflect on some bad ass shit that i loved when i was younger and not dead inside.
1. choose your own adventure books
more specifically: goosebumps choose your own adventure books. these things were the shit! even though i, along with every single person who has ever read one, kept a finger on the page before while i read what my choice was. if i died/it was lame i would just go back again and choose a better/more badass one. i kind of wish life was like this so i could avoid things like going to the strippers on mondays and/or going on a blind date with a guy who was actually blind in one eye (i’ll get into that another time)
anyways, i guess they dont make these anymore because kids these days have facespace or mybook and whatnot to entertain them, also they need to get off my damn lawn. i am old.
these things always had the shittiest covers for them and the most minimal of effort went into them. some of the choices you would end up with would be like
“your mom called and said dinner was ready so you went home THE END”
“a rattlesnake comes out of nowhere and bites your ankle. you die. THE END”
the plots to them were really out of control so that they could really take advantage of the “choose your own adventure” idea. its like they just got a bunch of people in a room and threw darts at a board that had choices like “spaceship full of lizards” and “talking dog leads you to treasure” written on it.
“ok so i guess this ones about pirate ghosts haunting a summer camp. 10 of possible 15 endings should conclude with the reader drowning. NEXT!”
but to be honest with you guys, if i found one of these at a store and it was under 10 dollars i would buy it and proudly put it on my bookshelf.
2. creepy crawlers
holy god these things were awesome. i never had one of my own but at least two of my friends did so i still got to play with it. it was pretty fun because you got to make your own molds of scorpions and shit…wait a minute, i think i might have actually had one? i cant remember so i must be old. i’ll ask my mom when she sobers up and see if she remembers. (Jokes mom, i love you!)
either way these things were pretty cool because you could make assorted bugs in different molds and you could even make them crazy colours or put purple stripes on them and shit if thats what you’re into. (sickos)
i was all for this thing until i realized that because it was a mold you could only make one half of it 3d and the other side was flat. this may not seem like a big deal to you but it bothered the shit out of me. i guess i shouldn’t have been bothered that a toy where you can make bright pink spiders wasn’t realistic enough for me but i wanted a totally 3d model goddamnit. oh and they looked alot like gummie candies so i dare you to find me a kid who didn’t bite one at one point. I DARE YOU.
they made some other ones targeted towards girls that were girl molds and you could make pants and shit for them but since i was a total creep i had no interest in these because i was too busy making my wolverine action figure marry my rogue action figure.
3. sticky hands
the last time i encountered one of these was when i got repeatedly slapped in the face with one by my boyfriend while i tried to drive. safety first as i always say!
despite potentially causing vehicular manslaughter these things are totally bad ass. whats not to love? its sticky, you can slap people in the head, you can get it stuck in your hair, the possibilities for greatness are really endless.
the only downside i can see is that no parent ever has been stoked their kid has one of these. my parents hated these and i never fully understood why until i tried to throw one at my brother and it got stuck on the ceiling.
2 weeks later when i remembered it was there, i got it down and it left the hugest grease stain ever that remained there until we moved away like 6 years later and i assume it’s still there unless someone painted over it (please dont-it’s my legacy)
4. saturday morning cartoons
ok, i know that these are still around but let me be clear here-they are godamn terrible now. i can say this as an adult who is still fully capable of watching cartoons because i might be partially retarded (fingers crossed! no…wait..)
when i was little i got up at like 7 in the morning to watch such greatest hits as Captain planet, tales from the cryptkeeper, x-men, batman (the sweet 90’s one with the super square jaw) the tick, tiny toons, and others that probably weren’t as memorable.
i had the perfect routine worked out, i would watch only the best and turn the channel as soon as saved by the bell or any non cartoon show came on. saturday morning cartoons are still on but they’re totally insane and im usually too hungover to wake up before 11. cartoons these days seem to move extremely fast and im worried i might have a seizure after a few seconds of viewing. basically what im saying here is, i really miss batmans jaw line.