the jonas brothers: huh?

so...i think i have the same boots as the one on the left. awkward.

so...i think i have the same boots as the one on the left. awkward.

as a little backstory here, i am what they call in the “biz” a reverse pedophile. this means that when i was a teen, i had crushes on my boy: David Duchovny and shamefully- Mel Gibson. let me make it clear that this was still when he was a dashing australian man with a thick head of hair and not a creepy jew hating boozehound.



anyways, the reason im telling you this is because i think that may be the reason i cannot for the life of me figure out how or why the Jonas brothers are attractive in any way. other teen heartthrobs i get, zac efron is dreamy (d’uh) and uhh well that’s the only other one i can think of at the moment. but where the hell do these assholes fit in? is it the tight pants and the girl scarves? is it their non threatening haircuts/inability to grow facial hair? please tell me youth of America,  please.

first of all i have to get this off my chest right away.

one of them looks exactly like Rob Schneider.

wait for it...

wait for it...

...and there it is.

...and there it is.

hey Jonas brother who looks like Rob Schneider- you should probably just call it quits. you are clearly the least favorite.

so i don’t know if its creepy that as a 23 year old woman i can determine which under 19 year old boy is good looking and which is not, but creepy or no, i stand by my observation that all these kids look like giant douches.

up until now i have not heard a single song by them so for the sake of argument im going to listen to one right now and see if maybe they are popular because of their musical talent and not their awkward looks.

ok so i started typing in jonas brothers into youtube and it suggested a song called love bug. uhh sounds promising.

contrary to popular belief, lovebugs (as seen here) are fucking terrifying and gross.

contrary to popular belief, lovebugs (as seen here) are fucking terrifying

oh jesus.  this is not good. i kinda fast forwarded it but judging by the amount of comments that say “VIVA LA JONAS BROTHERS” and “Joe you are my angle!!!!!” the fans are both very rampant and terrible spellers.

So i guess these guys are hardcore Christians and were also home schooled so that’s really distressing. I really don’t think i would be stoked if my kid wanted to listen to them, due to their christian undertones. plus my kids should listen to Boston instead because, well let’s face it, Boston fucking rules.



alright and these purity rings? what the hell man. is that really needed? aren’t most fans of these kids like 13  so it should be assumed anyways that they aren’t having sex? also waiting until you are married to have sex is the worst idea ever and i don’t think its really correct to be telling kids to do so, it’s either going to lead to kids marrying their first boyfriend because they want to have sex so bad or it will lead to some uhh back…door…action… wink wink. either outcome is not good to be confronted with if you are a parent of a 15 year old. anyways, these kids are totally lying about being virgins. their PR team is just really good at covering it up.

remember when AJ from the backstreet boys went to rehab? i was all “say whaaaaat??” because i thought they were all so innocent and hes all “nope, turns out i was banging groupies and drinking whiskey 23 hours out of the day, jokes on you!” so i can imagine the emotional trauma that would occur if fans found out that one of the Jonai doinked a waitress in the swiss chalet bathroom. and yes i just said doinked. so kudos to Disney for finding a way to make teen boys, who wear pants that leave nothing to the imagination, nonthreatening.

so...come to terms with your sexuality lately?

so...come to terms with your sexuality lately?

Also i wonder if there is a fourth jonas somewhere who is a total black sheep of the family because he isn’t able to pull off wearing vests in an ironic fashion. that would be amazing! im going to wiki that shit asap.

hahaha ok holy shit, turns out there is a fourth jonas brother who is like 6 and who clearly has no other choice in his life now other then to become a teen pop sensation. so i guess he’s got that going for him. oh also when i wiki’ed them i found out one of them has diabetes so uhh thats hilarious.

hahahah diabetes.




4 Responses to “the jonas brothers: huh?”

  1. 1 Sailer June 20, 2009 at 6:35 am

    Who DIDN’T think Mel Gibson used to be a handsome and dashing man? Mad Max and all of the Lethal Weapon’s? Hello!

  2. 2 Sailer June 20, 2009 at 6:36 am

    Should I also mention Tequila Sunrise? I think I will… Tequila Sunrise.

  3. 4 Vera December 22, 2012 at 6:51 am

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