the NEW friday the 13th review

Man, this movie franchise is over the top. It has some good ones, and it has some bad ones. It also has some that I’m not really sure were good or bad, remember in the end of Jason takes Manhattan when he gets swept away in the sewer and then when the kids look back there’s a shirtless little boy there instead of Jasons body? that was fuckin weird. I think it was supposed to be young Jason but it just ended up being creepy, David lynch must have stumbled onto set that day and insisted on putting it in the movie.

well...this makes no fucking sense

well...this makes no fucking sense

So anyways, when the new remake of the first one came out I was skeptical. on one hand I really liked the original so I was hoping that they could improve on it with better effects. On the other hand, Jared Padalecki was in it and I really hate his sideburns/haircut. Plus he’s Polish.

Its not 1999 anymore, please alter your haircut to reflect this

Its not 1999 anymore, please alter your haircut to reflect this

So anyways, I watched this last night and it was pretty alright. It kinda strayed from the original so if you are a hardcore fan of that one try not to shout “THAT DIDN’T HAPPEN IN THE ORIGINAL!!” all the way through it.

Basically some kids go camping by crystal lake but it turns out to be a thinly veiled attempt to find a massive grow op nearby. Obviously, Jason shows up and slaughters them all. One of the oddest death scenes was when a really lame nerd went to go piss and inexplicably started singing Motorin’ by Night Ranger, luckily he was killed before he could get to the second verse.

MOTORIN' WHATS YOUR PRICE FOR FLIGHT

MOTORIN' WHATS YOUR PRICE FOR FLIGHT

Oh and one of the chicks had these ridiculous fake boobs, like shockingly bad. It looked like someone cut a honeydew melon in half and just crammed those in under her skin. but she also died so nuts to her I guess.

oh ya...thats the stuff

Yowza! Yowza!

After all the big titted debauchery there’s the “6 weeks later” thing and some douche bags are at a grocery store on their way to their cabin and  one of them is wearing a shirt that I thought said “Fuck Christians” but later I discovered it said “Fuck Christmas” which makes even less sense because I mean, who hates Christmas? Anyways, Jared Padelecki  is in the store handing out flyers about his missing sister who I guess was one of the campers from the beginning and the douchebags are all:

“Hey bro, you buying somethin? get lost loser”

First of all, who shouts at a man trying to find his missing sister? Second of all, Jared Padalecki is a goddamn monster. This guy is 6’4! and I should know, because I googled that shit a few minutes ago. I also now know how much he weighs which would come in handy in some sort of County fair situation where I had to guess his weight to win a pumpkin pie, But that is neither here nor there and I shouldn’t waste time talking about pies that never were.

this could be OUR pie Jared! why won't you support me in this??

this could be OUR pie Jared! why won't you support me in this??

But despite being a Ginormo, he bitches out in typical Sam Winchester fashion and tells the guy “I’m not your bro?” I added in the question mark because I don’t get why the fuck you would say that to a guy instead of just ripping his arms off if you were taller then most door frames.

yatta yatta yatta, so the douchebags head to the cabin and two of them go wake boarding and the girl is all “hey check this shit out!” and whips off her top. Obviously, they die, one via Crossbow in fact. I’m going to take this time to mention that Jason is a crazy as hell retard and I don’t think he could have the cognitive ability to handle a crossbow let alone line up his shot because one of his eyes is all messed up, oh Hollywood!

as seen here, your average retards strength lies in befriending fat children and eating baby ruths.

as seen here, your average retards strength lies in befriending fat children and eating baby ruths.

So in the meantime, Jared (I have no idea what his characters name was and I already exhausted my googling for the day looking up his height) convinces the brown haired girl who was with the douches to go look in some spooky cabins for his sister/a good place to make out. Jason obviously shows up and throws some canoes around in an angry fashion when he discovers the purse (thats right, PURSE)  Jared dropped that contained all of his missing posters/hair straightener.

"NO! i needed that hair straightner for the weekend! im goin out with my gurls!" Jared proclaimed

"NO! i needed that hair straightener for the weekend! im goin out with my gurls!" Jared proclaimed

It flashes back to the  douche headquarters  and one of them is railing on this chick and he keeps calling her tits “stupendous” which was really distracting for some reason. But they die soon and Jared and the brown haired girl survive and go back to the  old cabins for some reason? I’m going to level with you guys, I was drinking pretty heavily so I wasn’t really paying that close of attention. Plus Jared Padalecki played pretty much the exact same character as he does in Supernatural so periodically I would forget what I was watching and I started wondering where his brother was. But I guess that’s more of a personal (drinking) problem.

Then guess they find Jared’s sister who has been held captive by Jason for 6 weeks, for no real reason that I can see other then Jason was bored and lonely. That’s a long time to be held captive and she looks pretty okay and again, Jason is a violent retard so I don’t think that he could have the skills to properly look after a grown woman for over a month. I can’t play the Sims for a few hours without the house burning down or purposely drowning the Sims in the pool and I’m a college dropout, so I have a feeling a grotesque manchild would drop the ball pretty bad and she would be dead by now.

THATS WHAT YOU GET FOR LEAVING THE TV ON ALL DAY

THATS WHAT YOU GET FOR LEAVING THE TV ON ALL DAY

Anyways, they try to escape but chick with brown hair eats it and then later Jason throws Jared around and smashes his head into a lot of glass. Once again, they probably should have cast someone who isn’t the same height and build as the serial killer because I had a hard time believing that Jason could successfully toss Jared against a tree trunk without throwing his back out. but I guess Jason has retard strength and Jared only has normal man strength which is really no match.

Jason in a tender moment, hugging his victim to death

Jason in a tender moment, hugging his victim to death

Alright where was I? oh right, so they escape and kill Jason and later dump his body into the lake for some reason. Also during this scene I thought that it was Jared rolling off the dock into the lake and I was really bewildered for a second because no one wants to go swimming in jeans. Then they look at each other awkwardly and Jason pops out from under the dock and grabs the girl and it ends, I’m guessing this is an homage to the ending to the original when little kid jason pops up from beside the canoe, so kudos I guess.

"is there a leech on me? i feel like theres a leech on me"

"is there a leech on me? i feel like theres a leech on me"

In conclusion, this movie was alright and there was tons of boobs. maybe next time cast someone who isn’t possibly larger then the serial killer? just a hint. Oh and don’t make the characters wear confusing shirts that slander Christmas. Oh and my spellcheck kept changing Padalecki to Padlock so maybe have a less hard to spell last name? just a suggestion Jared Padlock.

I loved you in the gilmore girls!

I loved you in the Gilmore Girls!

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