5 things that upon owning, will make me less dead inside

ok so i as you all have probably noticed, i hate a goddamn lot of things. but shockingly enough, it turns out i actually like alot of things too so lets talk about some of those

1. Roomba

look at how majestically it sucks up those shreddies. the future is here folks.

look at how majestically it sucks up those shreddies. the future is here folks.

alright i totally forgot about these amazing little ditties until earlier today when i was in wal mart buying dinner plates (glamorous, i know) i tried to talk my boyfriend into letting us buy one but i couldn’t come up with any good reasons other then its from the future and you could put a cat on top of it. needless to say, we left without the roomba and i got slapped in the mouth on the car ride home.

but lets talk about how amazing this is! i mean, look at it! its a goddamn robot that cleans your floor while looking precious. you could make a little costume for it out of felt so it looked like a little ladybug eating all the dirt off your floors. PRECIOUS! if i had this thing i would never have children because my heart couldn’t possibly contain any more love for a small, adorable object roaming around on my floors.

nice try asshole. i already have a roomba

nice try asshole. i already have a roomba

also, as i mentioned earlier you could totally put your cat on it and fire it up. haha hilarious! i would imagine your cat would only stay on it for a few seconds but those short moments of terror when it thinks its in great danger will be worth a few chuckles at least.

The only thing i can see wrong with this, other then the fact it would take several hours for it to clean the average living room floor, is that i would constantly fear it would one day become self aware and turn against its master (i.e – me) and i don’t really need that on my plate. i really don’t want to wake up in the middle of the night with this thing sucking on my hair in a vain attempt to destroy me. or it could try and drive me crazy by beeping ominously in the distance while i walk to my car at night. oh man i just scared myself.

a horrible glimpse into the future

a horrible glimpse into the future

needless to say, these things are in actuality a terrible invention and i’ve never heard of anyone actually owning one of them. i imagine if you did own one you would probably step on it accidentally within a week, so i guess you blew it roomba.

2. megaphones

increase your obnoxiousness by 64%

increase your obnoxiousness by 64%

these things have a million uses including, but not limited to:

  • screaming in peoples faces when they’re sleeping
  • telling hot girls to take their tops off while your on a boat
  • shouting racial slurs from your car while driving past an elementary school
  • reading aloud erotic stories while driving past an elementary school
  • i guess shouting anything terrible while driving past an elementary school
"...his quivering member grew ever closer to..."

"...his quivering member grew ever closer to..."

so, as you can see, it doesn’t make sense for me to not own one of these and i kind of feel like a jackass for putting off buying one of these for so long.

i think what has really prevented me from purchasing one is the fact that i, like most people, have a constant fear of how shitty and terrible my voice sounds on any sort of recording device. i sound like a drunken man, its just awful.

"i look forward to making everything you say sound like jibberish garbage"

"i look forward to making everything you say sound like jibberish garbage"

i think i could get past that though because i really love being a big fat loud mouth and this could really only increase my chances of getting in a fist fight with a total stranger.

3. a secret room in my house

SWEET FANCY MOSES

SWEET FANCY MOSES

first off i guess i need to get a house, then part two of getting a sweet secret room. i would put the entrance to mine behind a bookshelf and you would have to pull out one of the books to get to it. another popular choice of entry into a secret room is the button under a statues head that opens up the entrance, so i think when it came down to crunchtime i might have  a hard time choosing between the two.

sophie had it easy compared to me.

sophie had it easy compared to me.

also, i think it would be tough to choose between stairs going into my secret room or a sweet fireman’s pole. the downside to the latter is of course burning your hands on the pole if you go down too fast, as well as it would be sort of awkward/whorish to go down in a dress. so in conclusion i think i’d have to go with the stairs.

"just heading down to my secret room! don't mind me!"

"just heading down to my secret room! don't mind me!"

now you might be asking yourself, what would i put in my sweet secret room? whatever i damn well please you asshole. i think i would probably put in a swiveling leather chair so i could swing it around like a bigshot/see how many times i can go around in a circle without touching the ground with my feet.

i guess i should probably start doing something in my life that warrants a secret room, like drug dealing or trying to overthrow the government. it seems sort of lame to put all the trouble into installing a secret room only to have it used for playing Mario kart and watching Seinfeld reruns. but i suppose it could double for a panic room if anyone ever broke into my house or if my roomba became self aware and tried to murder me.

4. a painting with removable eyes that i can stand behind

"hmm it seems that bitch rebecca double dipped her tositos. thank god for this painting"

"hmm it seems that bitch rebecca double dipped her tositos. thank god for this painting"

holy shit i want one of these so bad. it would go perfectly with my secret room because i could watch my guests in secret or watch the crazed roomba eat my boyfriends eyelids. (i love you)

these things are always in old tymey cartoons that were set in haunted mansions and ever since i was little i wanted one. they’re always the creepiest friggin portaits ever too so i don’t really know if that’s a prerequisite or what, but i think i would probably choose something less awful then a 19th century baron posing with his hunting dogs. plus its sort of a dead giveaway that it has eye holes.

i dont know if eye holes would make this better or worse. I'd better ask Venkman

i dont know if eye holes would make this better or worse. I'd better ask Venkman

am i the only one who has looked at a painting and thought “if that painting doesn’t have removable eye holes, it damn well should” also as a hint, don’t say that to people in art galleries because they will not laugh.ever.

now we're talkin!

now we're talkin!

the only downside is that you have to be a specific person to own one of these. you either fall into one of two categories: a rich eccentric who owns weird, cool things or a rapist/murderer. im not really either of those things so i guess i have to take this time to choose a life path of being either crazy and rich or crazy and murderous.

5. a bearskin rug

So....sexy...?

So....sexy...?

not only can you pose sexily on these bad boys but you can use the open mouth to hold things like your tv remote or baseball cards. oh and i think you could probably use the teeth to open bottles. man how cool would that be? fuck that’s rad.

YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG HASSLEHOFF

YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG HASSLEHOFF

these things obviously do have a downside, mainly that they are terrifying at night and that you might trip and get your foot caught in the mouth. oh and if you had a party you would have to make sure you invited the right people because you know at lesat once someone is going to bring along some crazed peta supporter who will no doubt harass you in your own home about owning such an amazing object of awesomeness. fuck that guy though, these things are so rad.

"instead of donating time and money to local animal shelters we came out here to look like total jackasses no one can take seriously! animals rule!"

"instead of donating time and money to local animal shelters we came out here to look like total jackasses no one can take seriously! animals rule!"

i am exceptionally creeped out by hanging heads on the wall but for some reason the bearskin rugs don’t bother me at all. i think its because they’re just so hilarious and totally unneeded in a situation but i like the idea of owning something so insane that people will talk about that instead of my filthy language. plus you can never have a serious conversation in a room with a bearskin rug in it

“I need to talk..i just, it just isn’t working out anymore and i think we…uh…can we talk about this in a room without a bearskin rug?”

but no. no we cant. because all the other rooms in my house that do not contain a bearskin rug most definitely contain a painting with moving eye holes. and the roomba has totally taken over the master bedroom so that’s pretty much off limits.

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3 Responses to “5 things that upon owning, will make me less dead inside”


  1. 1 Bryant June 22, 2009 at 11:22 am

    You can totally get a megaphone that makes your voice sound like Spiderman’s

    • 2 rigsamarole June 22, 2009 at 11:40 am

      doesn’t spiderman have a normal speaking voice? now if it could make you sound like patrick stewart i’d be all in

  2. 3 steph June 23, 2009 at 11:10 am

    my parents totally have a secret room in their house behind a bookshelf…though its just my dad’s office and they dont keep it closed now that we wont break the computer.


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