Hey jerkoffs, sorry I haven’t updated for awhile I have been busy celebrating Canada’s birthday and eating entire bowls of cherries, you know the usual glamorous stuff. I didn’t forget about you my minions! so anyways, I thought since I tackled the 7 deadly sins, it’s time to see just what level of hell I’ll be going to by seeing how many of the commandments I’ve broken being this awesome.
1. “you shall have no other gods before me”
oh OK, seems easy enough. I think that this means I can’t worship anyone other then the big guy upstairs? well what if its a really good looking man? or, a monkey wearing a leather vest? hahaha that’s precious. But I’m going to have to level with you guys: if it came down to choosing who to hang out with between say, God or Jeffrey Dean Morgan, I would probably be hanging out with the latter. Sorry god. (He’s a silver fox!)
Now don’t get me wrong, God seems cool. I’ve always pictured him as a sort of angrier Santa Claus in robes. So I guess when I put it that way, he seems pretty fun. I’m really conflicted here guys, but for arguments sake lets say I’ve broken this commandments with my multiple worshippings of liquor bottles or good looking brunette men.
2. You shall not make for yourself a carved image–any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.’
OK, what? what the hell god? what is your deal? so I can’t make a sweet carving of a fish or a dragon fighting another dragon? (sexy) you asshole. I thought this was just you cant make graven images of God himself but apparently the whole goddamn animal kingdom is off limits.
Well to be honest I’m a little shocked at you God. I thought you were cool. So clearly I have broken this commandment several, several times, but Ithink if God saw the sweet plasticine wolf that I made in Grade 2, he would make an exception for me. Oh also does drawing cartoon penis’s on friends cars with dirt count? because if so, I am going to the worst level of hell. Fuck.
3. ‘You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain.’
awww fuck. well I think you know where this is going. The only people that should say “oh my gosh” are children under the age of 10 and adults over the age of 68. If you are anywhere in between and you’re saying “OH my gosh!” you are a total pussy… or a homosexual man, so I guess I can let that group of people off the hook too (you’re welcome)
This seems really dated and I don’t think God would be all that pissed off about it now. Maybe back in the day it was really offensive to say oh my god but I think now there are a lot more offensive things to say. Yhis is a perfect example as to why I should never travel back in time to old bible tyme. I would be stoned to death in under 15 minutes.
I’d be all “Whats going on you dirty motherfuckers?” then I would proceed to give Judas a noogie or something like that and quickly be stabbed to death by Romans.But seriously, who hasn’t broken this? lighten up God, you used to be cool.
4.‘Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.’
well if by “keep it holy” you mean “watch a Supernatural marathon in my underwear while I lay on the couch hungover all Sunday” or “scream at the TV for showing a family guy rerun” then yes, I keep it holy. I keep it damn holy.
I worship God in a different way, some people get up early on Sunday and go to church in fancy outfits, others eat lean cuisines after getting up at noon. To each their own i suppose. But yes, I guess if you want to get technical then no, I don’t keep the sabbath holy. Sometimes I listen to Black Sabbath though, does that count?
Oh OK well when I drink on Sunday I almost always say “well..it is the sabbath” and then consume 1 or 5 drinks. At least I’m acknowledging it right? right? fuck.
5.‘Honor your father and your mother.’
this one I can do. Momma and Poppa Wolfe are the fuckin’ bees knees. And yes, I just used outdated slang from the 50’s. That’s just how passionate I feel about this. Anyone who has ever met my parents friggin love them and I’m not just saying that because I know both of them read this.
Even when I was younger I tried really hard not to be a little asshole, mainly because I was afraid of my dad and his mustache and I always dreaded hearing “we aren’t mad, we’re just disappointed” so I tried to keep my shenanigans to a minimum or at least do the really bad things out of their line of vision. So yes, I can proudly say I do honor my mother and father because they do rad things like pick me up at the bar at 2 in the morning and get drunk and dance to The Rolling Stones on various occasions.
6. You shall not murder.’
wooo well. I think this is a no brainer, I have never say, killed a hitchhiker just to see if I could get away with it or, clubbed a whore to death with a sherry bottle. Both of those things sound awesome, yes, but I could never go through with it. I’m too pretty to go to jail.
I really don’t think that this belongs on the same list as “don’t piss your parents off” and “don’t make a sweet bear carving out of soap” I mean, really God? these all deserve the same punishment? Get real. This is like someone complying a list of the 10 hottest actresses and then randomly throwing Kathy Griffin on there sandwiched between Megan Fox and Jessica Alba. It just doesn’t make sense.
Actually, the last half of the ten commandments get pretty intense so maybe god was just warming everyone up for the real sins.
“you think you’re getting off easy because you never pooped in an Arby’s on Sunday? well think again asshole, I’m getting you on something”
Also as a sidenote I have never pooped in an Arbys although that might make a good story.
7. You shall not commit adultery.’
Again, another no brainer. I, unlike some lousy skanks, have never cheated on my boyfriend. But I guess when you dance like a total jackass in public and tell men that hit on you “did you know Nilbog is Goblin spelled backwards?” it isn’t really that hard to not cheat. I sort of made myself a little sad just then.
I personally hate people that cheat and its a really scummy thing to do to someone, now you might be saying to yourself “but Rigs, you constantly reference your freebie five, isn’t that cheating?” well no, you horses ass, it isn’t. If I sleep with anyone on my freebie five its totally A-Ok because they’re on a list. A LIST. To be honest though, there is no way I could ever follow through and cheat on my boyfriend and well I’m pretty sure the only person that would actually sleep with me on my list is David Duchovny due to his rampant sexual addiction and my having of tits.
Where was i? oh right. I haven’t broken this one either so I’m feelin’ pretty good right now, so good I wish it was Sunday so I could get wasted. I mean wait…fuck.
8. ‘You shall not steal.’
I honestly have never stolen anything from a store or anything like that. I know how most girls go through this weird shoplifting stage where they steal Wet N Wild make up from walmart or what have you, but I honestly never have. I think it probably has something to do with the fact I am a huge pussy.I am a huge advocate of stealing candy from Safeway bulk bins and eating grapes while you go shopping but even then sometimes I feel bad for all those grape/Swedish berry farmers that toiled so hard in their dirt/sugar fields
There has been so many times when I have left a store and thought “fuck, I totally could have stolen something and no one would know” but you know who would know? God. The big guy. He would know, and like an angry step dad he would glower at you from above and bide his time before punishing you, but instead of not letting you go to Melissa’s slumber party, he would condemn you to burn for all eternity in the fiery pits of hell. Still though, I could really use some Wet N’ Wild glitter nail polish.
but yes, I have never stolen! so this makes what, three of the ten I haven’t broken? not too shabby (???)
9. ‘You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.’
Well to be completely honest I have no goddamn idea what this means. maybe don’t lie to them about being an astronaut when you’re really a plumber? I should probably look into this in greater detail but I’m too lazy so I’m just going to assume I haven’t broken this one. What the hell does it matter if you lie to your neighbor? did people all live in super close condos back then where everyone knew everyone else’s business?
I honestly don’t think I’ve broken this one but then again I don’t really talk to my neighbors since the good ones moved away and we’re surrounded by uppity jerkoffs now. I would imagine if I did talk to my neighbors a lot, I would have no problem lying to them about various things. I’m actually moving at the end of the month to a new house, So this really just gave me the idea to tell outrageous lies to my new neighbors. I think I’ll claim I’m a Matador. that would be so cool. thanks for the idea god!
10.You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor’s.’
Holy. something tells me Gods old neighbor slept with his wife and/or stole his ox. Why does he care so much about neighbors? what a jerk. Ugh, you know up in heaven God is totally the one making sure no one has non-regulation basketball hoops in their driveway or any novelty mailboxes that would ruin “the look” of the neighborhood. Meanwhile down in hell, there’s old car parts on every ones lawns and crab grass everywhere.
Anyways, this one I don’t think Ive broken although I have have noticed my neighbors sexy Ox’s and servants, so you never know. Talk to me in a week and I’ll let you know if anything changed.
So in summary, I have not broken I think 4? that’s not too bad. maybe I’ll just go to the hell with that sweet couch swingset, that would be ok. I hope I get to go to the hell where we all wear tattered rags for clothes though, I don’t want to be naked/ruin my good jeans.