When I have a daughter, I hope shes as slutty as her toys

Now keep in mind, im really going out on a limb here assuming that A) i’ll even have kids and B) a handsome man is free that week to impregnate me. Either way, if and when i do have kids there are going to be three rules in my house

1. No liking DC comics, only Marvel in my house. and if you don’t like it, just wait until your father gets home.

2. I automatically own all happy meal toys you might receive

and

3. No playing with slutty dolls

yes,  I know it might seem strict but I cannot stress enough how much I hate slutty dolls, maybe because as a child the only female toy I had was April O’Neal, and even then she was just an afterthought so the turtles had someone to play with that wasn’t a geriatric rat. now I don’t have anything against barbie, she is able to hold down a menagerie of jobs as well as own a totally rad RV.

oh god barbie, can we please be friends???

oh god barbie, can we please be friends???

No, my problems really lie with bratz dolls. right off the bat, they have that really unnecessary Z on the end which infuriates me and is only used by aging ad execs that think its hip and edgy, or possibly futuristic. Anyways, these things are beyond whorey and I remember when I first saw them I thought I might have been on candid camera or something, but then I remembered candid camera hasn’t been on the air for almost a decade and these were in fact totally legit dolls that people purchased for their children. have you seen these things?

hey doll on the right, 1996 called, they said they want their frosted lipstick back. OH SNAP

hey doll on the right, 1996 called, they said they want their frosted lipstick back. OH SNAP

ARGH just looking at them makes me want to smash everything. who has looked at these and thought “you know what, these would be perfect for my 6 year old to play with, she can learn how to properly apply makeup before going to Jay-Z’s nightclub” oh and they all have the most outrageous names to seem cool and edgy, but come off fucking horrible. As a fun game, I’m going to give you a list of pornstar names as well as bratz character names and see if you can guess which is which:

Anyssa

Nevaeh

Destiny

Trinity

Kiana

Roxxi

Valentina

Sasha

Jade

well that was fun wasn’t it? well guess what jerkoffs those were all bratz names. yes, even Roxxi. Roxxi. was one X not enough? Now, i might not be the expert of names since mine is a little offbeat but I’ve never heard of a Beatles song called “Eleanor Trinity” CASE CLOSED.

But the stripper names are really just the tip of the iceberg here. as if slutty dolls that looked like teens weren’t enough to send 9 year old girls into the throes of an eating disorder, here we have the lost chance for an abortion, the bratz babyz.

you ignorant slut.

you ignorant slut.

Yes this is actually a real thing. seriously. Scroll up and stare at that thing for a few seconds. It makes me want to raise my child in Amish country. people are wondering why the fuck 12 year old girls look like 17 year old girls, its because of shit like this.

did you see those dolls?

the back alley setting really helps prove my point, thanks again internet!

the back alley setting really helps prove my point, thanks again internet!

ugh, ok. nice…skirt? these things are so terrible. at least when Barbie wore skirts they were of a respectable length because SHES A DOCTOR/TEACHER/STAY AT HOME MOM. the best these dolls can hope for is stripper/actress/model/masseuse. Happy ending style masseuse, not those legit ones at the airport.

"like my dress? Bratz was my inspiration! I hope i don't get date raped later Tee Hee"

“like my dress? Bratz was my inspiration! I hope i don’t get date raped later Tee Hee”

I’m not placing the blame solely on Mattel for producing such awful, awful things, because people are obviously buying these. you have to think as a parent that buying your kid a toy that wears a thong and has the vapid look of a porn star on percocets painted on her face isn’t a very good idea. When I was 12 I was building tree forts and being filthy, kids that are 12 now are wearing make up and sassin’ me in public. (you little shits) I don’t want to date myself here, but BACK IN MY DAY KIDS WERE KIDS.

NOW GET OFF MY LAWN YOU DAMN WHIPPERSNAPPERS

NOW GET OFF MY LAWN YOU DAMN WHIPPERSNAPPERS

If i have a daughter I swear I will lock her in a closet until she is 19 or tell her everyday shes beautiful just the way she is. I guess I should go with whichever one doesn’t result in a lengthy prison sentence. You can’t base a girls self worth on solely what she looks like or she will grow up with a warped image of herself and assume she has to dress and act a certain way to achieve attention and feel good about herself, which is no way for a woman to act or feel. People that make and market dolls for young women should take this into consideration or we’ll end up with a generation of Hiltons…

...i rest my case.

…i rest my case.

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1 Response to “When I have a daughter, I hope shes as slutty as her toys”


  1. 1 Dragon June 18, 2012 at 9:28 pm

    Agree with your blog, wholeheartedly gal..but here’s a tip..not making your I’s capitalized and not putting a capital at the beginning of your sentences makes you look less than intelligent… and less people will take what you say seriously.


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