1. these goddamn ski/walking poles
hey everyone that has these- you look like a horses ass. people laugh at you when they drive by you, do you know that? they do. you might as well just comically swing your arms because it would look less goofy then these goddamn things.
seriously can someone tell me the point of these? do they weigh alot therefore working out your arm muscles? but if that was the case why not just carry barbells? god i hate society. at first these things were pretty scant but i have seen them everywhere lately. its like some sort of bad idea plague thats sweeping the nation telling people to use these and to lease hummers.
anyways, if you really feel like you need to carry something in your hands while you walk , why not make it a totally badass hand carved walking stick? you can shout “you shall not pass!” at people on the street and you can all have a good laugh at your amazing Gandalf reference. i heard that’s how John Travolta met his wife.
in conclusion, i want these things to go away forever. thank you.
these things serve literally no purpose. there is no way to ride one of these and not look like a virgin. its impossible. i was getting gas awhile ago and some guy rode by on one of these and my first thought was “wow, what a virgin” there is no way you are getting casual sex if you roll up on one of those to someones house. in fact if you even had one of these in your home i guarentee any woman you bring over will be able to sniff it out in under 5 minutes. and theres no way shes buying your “oh, its just like, in an ironic sense” excuse.
now some of you might be thinking “but what about circus clowns?” yea, what about circus clowns? fuck them. there is at least 20 other “hilarious” things they can use in their act that don’t involve unicycles and pissing me off.
there has never been a time when i have seen a mountain bike or BMX trick and thought “wow, you know what would have been cooler? if it was on a unicycle!” in fact i would rather watch someone run up and down trails then watch someone do it on a unicycle.
3. Ed Hardy
i cannot stress this enough. people that wear Ed Hardy have no fashion sense and i would assume are 30% more likely to start a random bar fight then someone who doesn’t wear Ed Hardy. they are also 40% more likely to have never read a book since highschool english where they were forced to read animal farm which they then promptly called “gay”
these things are so tacky and awful. you know how unicycles scream virgin? Ed Hardy screams Douchebag. these clothes are worn by either coke dealers or really washed up celebrities.
i really, really like the old school sailor tattoo style, but i mean fuck. enough with the rhinestones, jewels and throwing like 4 different things on a shirt at once, its just awful. Ed Hardy isn’t cheap either, it just looks extremely cheap. look at an Ed Hardy shirt and tell me if you can’t picture it on a pregnant teen mom or a cougar with frosted pink lipstick. i saw an Ed Hardy steering wheel cover the other day and i nearly screamed. i must say though, it seemed right at home next to the tweety bird air freshener and the seat covers with generic japanese kanji on them.
4. pop cap codes
let me clarify, i love pop cap UPC codes circa 1990 where you could just dig out that little plastic disk and right away it would tell you if you won or, alternatively, if you were a huge loser.
anyways, nowadays everything is so futuristic that they make you open the goddamn thing, walk over to a computer, type in some code and THEN it tells you if you won or not. seems like a lot of goddamn effort for a drink worth 2 bucks. you blew it!
Tim Hortons is really the only ones who still have it right because they know people don’t want to work for prizes, they want to roll up that rim and know right then and there if they won a free donut and/or briefcase full of money…or donuts.
this really infuriates me though because everytime i see one I always have that unshakeable feeling that I must go check it out online to see if I won. I never actually have taken the time to check though due to me being a lazy asshole and there was probably something good on tv SO LAY OFF ME OK??
anyways, because of my inability to follow through on really anything i am haunted nightly by the visions of Free Cokes, Diet Cokes and speedboats i have missed out on through the years. oh well, at least i didn’t win a unicycle.